Chapter 19
Julian
It’s a beautiful day as I make my way across the cemetery, a large bunch of freshly picked yellow, purple, and orange wildflowers cradled in my arms. My mom always did love the blooms we get here in California.
“Hey, guys,” I say softly, brushing a few dry leaves off the top of their headstones. At the time, I thought it was kind of disturbing that my folks made arrangements to be laid to rest together before Mom even got really bad. But now I’m incredibly grateful.
I’ve visited plenty of times since Pops’ funeral several months ago, but those days have always felt heavy and necessary. Like I couldn’t carry my grief alone any longer and needed to talk to them for a while for some relief. But today is different.
I came because I wanted to. Because I was excited to share my news with them.
Once I’ve done a little tidying, I lay the flowers down for Mom and give Pops a couple of the snickerdoodles he loved from the bakery in town. I keep one for myself and eat it quietly as the birds chirp around me. A gentle breeze brushes around me, and I feel a deep sense of calm and purpose.
“His name is Romeo,” I begin.
Maybe it’s stupid to talk to them like this.
Somedays I’m not sure I believe in God anymore or if there’s anything waiting for us on the other side.
But on a day like today, there’s just something different in the air.
Like the veil between our world and whatever might lie beyond is slightly thinner.
It makes me want to reach out and touch it.
I can never have my parents back. I know that. But I will also never lose the time I had with them. No matter how their passing gutted me and broke me down, I’m still here. Still continuing their legacy of kindness and pride.
“You would love him,” I say with confidence.
“He’s such a pure soul, but he’s also full of fire.
Mom, I bet you would fuss over him something awful, and he’d pretend to hate it.
But secretly, it would mean everything to him.
And Pops, I’m sure he’d listen to all the wisdom you could possibly give to him, even all those useless football stats that would bore him to tears.
He’d like that you loved something so much you’d want to share it with him. ”
For a second, I glance around, making certain there isn’t anyone close enough to hear me.
I’d hope that most people would understand the need for privacy in a cemetery.
However, I realize I’m not just making assumptions about the dead right now.
I’m imagining scenarios with Romeo as well, and he is very, very alive.
In fact, he might be the most alive person I’ve ever met.
It’s probably only human to imagine how the most important people in my life would get along with this new, bright light that’s exploded into my world.
I wish I could ask my mom for advice. She was always there for me to cry on, from my first, confusing crushes, to coming out, to first loves, to heartbreaks.
Pops wasn’t great with words, like so many men of his generation.
But he always knew the right task to set me on to get my mind right again while my hands worked, then he’d be waiting with a cold beer after and a slap on the back to tell me I did a good job.
Would they approve of me and Romeo moving so fast?
I’d hope they’d at least appreciate that I didn’t hesitate to give him shelter when he needed it.
But also that I’m having the courage to let him into my heart.
In my mind, I can hear my mom’s voice telling me not to let a good one go.
And my Pops is chiming in approvingly how he can see right away that Romeo’s a fighter.
A lump rises in my throat. But a motorbike with an obnoxiously loud engine rumbles past, pulling me back to reality. I suddenly feel quite alone.
I’m not, though. I close my eyes and let the once again peaceful sounds become louder and the scents of nature all around me become stronger. I’m in a spiritual place, reconnecting with the souls of my flesh and blood. That experience can be as real as I open my heart to it being.
“I just wanted to thank you,” I continue, opening my eyes and reading my parents’ names with fondness.
“For being the amazingly flawed human beings you were. You taught me everything you knew with patience and love. You were pissed off and you got things wrong and we had arguments over stupid things that I can’t even remember now.
But I never doubted you were always there for me.
That I had a home. Not everyone’s that lucky. ”
The leaves rustle in the trees with a slightly cooler wind, but the sun peeks out once more from behind the clouds and I’m warm again in no time.
“It’s because of you guys that I joined Rainbow Reach,” I tell them.
“You came with me to my very first Pride down in San Diego, back when it was more of a protest march than a celebration. You didn’t care what anyone thought.
You just knew that I needed you. I wanted to pay that feeling forward in some way. I doubt I’ll ever have kids, but…”
I trail off and laugh to myself. Damn Romeo and his infuriatingly adorable refusal to stop calling me his damn Daddy. Because I’m kind of sort of maybe starting to enjoy it.
That is definitely not something I’m talking about with my parents, though.
“But signing up to Rainbow Reach made me feel like even if no one ever needed me, I’d be there for them.
I could possibly give a stranger the kind of faith in the world that you gave me.
There’s no denying there’s heartache all around us.
But where there’s pain, there’s also healing.
Kindness. Hope. All those beliefs you instilled in me.
I wanted the chance to show someone that no matter how bad things get, they’re not alone.
That’s why I became a firefighter, after all.
It’s why I drag my ass out of bed every morning and run toward the burning buildings, not away from them.
I don’t want people to feel alone in their darkest hours. ”
I take a deep, shaky breath, finally ready to admit the truth that I’m sure my friends could see as plain as day.
“But I didn’t realize how alone I’d made myself. I tried to work through my pain on my own, convinced it was okay for everyone else to lean on me but that there was no one I could possibly turn to.”
I chuckle ruefully and glance skyward, knowing that if my folks are looking down on me, they’re tutting and shaking their heads at my stubbornness.
“Then there was Romeo. Like an unstoppable force of nature, blasting into my life. I was terrified of what he meant. Who I would be if I let down my walls and allowed him into my messy grief. But he’s his own kind of chaos, loud and dazzling, and I think he’s made me understand that life isn’t meant to be smooth.
It’s meant to be lived, and sometimes that means things get broken, including hearts. ”
Another cloud passes overhead, casting me and the graves into gloom for a moment.
But I know it will pass. And isn’t that a metaphor for life?
“His parents didn’t want him,” I say, pushing down the anger I feel whenever I think about that.
“They didn’t deserve him. But…I think I do.
I’m going to do everything I can to be worthy of him.
I think…I think I could love him. Truly.
The kind you feel forever. And there’s a chance he could feel that, too. ”
Even though there’s no one listening—no one who can answer back in any meaningful way, at least—I feel a flurry of nerves at what I’m about to admit.
But deep down, I think I know this is the reason I came here today.
To confess in front of my parents to myself what’s blooming quietly but surely in my heart.
“You would want him if he was your son,” I say, keeping my voice strong.
“Of that, I have no doubt. And there’s a part of me that wonders if you didn’t send him to me.
I signed up to Rainbow Reach because of you guys, and his sister contacted me because of him.
My very first assignment brought us together.
That seems too wild not to have a celestial hand in it.
” I shrug. “Either way, I know you would be proud of him if he was your son. And…well, I’ve got this crazy idea that maybe one day he might be.
Your son, too. Not to say I’m rushing into anything.
We’ve been as sensible as we can be so far.
But I wanted to let you know that I understand how important he is in my journey.
And if you maybe nudged fate in this direction, I appreciate it. ”
If this was a movie, a dove would land on one of their headstones. Or perhaps a rainbow would arch over the sky. But instead, it’s just me and my thoughts, but I’m okay with that. Real life isn’t scripted. It’s messy and unpredictable, and that’s kind of the best thing about it.
I kiss my fingers then touch both their graves, feeling a lightness in my heart. I’ll never know for sure if I was alone today or not. But I walk back to my car feeling strangely confident of their approval.
They know that Romeo Quincy is special just as much as I do. And I’m going to do everything I can to keep him by my side.