Chapter 21
Julian
This goes against every natural order of things. I am the alpha, the leader of the pack, the one everyone at the One-Thirteen turns to in times of crisis. That’s my job, my purpose of being. Who am I if I’m not that guy?
Apparently, I’m the guy hiding in the supply closet, cradling our usually slightly feral station cat like a baby, stroking her belly while she purrs somewhat aggressively at me.
“They’re going to be supportive, right, Smokey?
” I ask the unimpressed cat. Just because I’m pretty much the only person she allows to pick her up, doesn’t necessarily mean she likes it.
Or so I assume. Who knows with cats? “They’re not going to point out every reason I shouldn’t ask Romeo to be my boyfriend, are they?
They’re not going to tell me he’s too young or it’s too fast or that I’m crazy to think a guy like that would want to commit to a guy like me. I’m just losing my mind, right?”
Smokey simply narrows her eyes at me, and I sigh.
“Don’t worry,” I mutter. “I’m fully aware of how annoying I’m being. What would my parents say if they saw me right now? We had such a good talk about it, and now I’ve got myself tied up in knots again.”
Smokey reacts by blinking at me once, contorting her body while simultaneously batting my nose, then launching herself off my chest so she can fly several feet in the air before landing like an Olympian and disappearing through the crack in the door.
“Traitor,” I mutter.
But the truth is she’s probably no less annoyed with my self-doubt than I am. After visiting my parents, I thought I was rock solid about what was going on between Romeo and I. The last week in our little bubble has been nothing short of domestic bliss.
But then I realized that after all the scrutiny they’ve put on me about my personal life, I’m going to have to tell the One-Thirteen something, otherwise it’ll be weird. That makes me feel like the same scared teenager who asked their parents to come with them to their first Pride.
Which is insane. This isn’t just my crew. They’re my friends. These guys are pretty much all queer, so I know they’re not going to have an issue with me dating a man. It’s not that kind of judgement that’s paralyzing me. It’s broader than that.
In my mind, I’m starting to appreciate that I’ve got it in my head that being happy, being blissfully happy, means being vulnerable. Because it means that death can take that all away from you, and I see death every day. It could so easily happen.
Being the captain of this firehouse is incredibly important.
It’s my life’s work. Nothing matters more to me than the well-being of my crew, and I always want them to respect me.
So why does admitting that I’ve fallen for someone make me think they’re going to respect me any less?
I don’t want them to see me as vulnerable, but I am only human.
I can’t pretend I’m an unshakeable robot because that actually won’t do them any favors.
Smokey might not be lurking in this closet with me anymore, but I still feel her figuratively bat my nose again. This time she uses claws, and I’m glad she’s just in my imagination this time. But I need to snap out of this.
What it boils down to is I’m afraid. I know firsthand that when you care this much for someone, losing them can hurt like the depths of hell.
If I tell my crew that this relationship is real and serious, a small, childlike part of me is scared they’ll tell me it’s a bad idea and I should call it off before I get my heart broken.
Or I break Romeo’s.
But they’re the ones who encouraged me to pursue him, convinced that if I didn’t, I might regret it.
And they were right. So it’s time to get over myself and just go tell them already.
Because once I do…what else is there holding me back?
Romeo and I are going to give this everything we’ve got.
Isn’t that exciting? If I can stop inventing reasons to doubt myself, maybe I can start fully enjoying this blossoming romance.
After the year I’ve had losing my pops, don’t I deserve some joy? Doesn’t Romeo after the way he’s been treated?
I already know the answers to those questions. That’s what finally gets my feet moving, and they don’t stop until I reach the common area where it looks like lunch is just being served, so everyone’s here.
Perfect timing.
“Hey, Cap,” Sawyer says cheerfully. It’s apparently his turn to do meal prep. “It’s nothing fancy, but we’ve got subs and salads and other deli bits, so help yourself.”
“Thank you, Nelson,” I say, wrapping my hands around the back of an empty chair. I’ll sit in a moment, but right now I think I want to remain standing. “I just wanted to take a second to thank you guys.”
That gets a few curious looks. “What for, Captain?” Yara asks earnestly.
“Oh, I know what for,” Lili comments with a smirk.
Lochlan gasps, eyes wide as he looks from her to me. “Did something happen with the wedding guy?”
“His name is Romeo,” I say, changing my mind and sitting down after all.
This might be easier if I can focus on making myself a sandwich rather than suffer them all staring at me.
“And…yes. We’re together now. Thank you for giving me the push I needed to make a move.
We talked it through and we’re going to take it slow but see how this might become a relationship.
I’m going to ask him to officially be my boyfriend when I get home tomorrow. ”
Yara and Lochlan squeal while the others nod and smile in approval.
“Good for you, Cap,” Anton says sincerely.
“When can we meet him?” Teddy asks. “I mean, meet him properly when his home isn’t in danger of collapsing.”
I chuckle, relief coursing through me as I spread mayonnaise on my bread. See? Nothing to worry about. Smokey was right. I’m an idiot.
“Maybe at the next social we have?” I say. “If he feels comfortable enough. He’s got a lot going on right now.”
Which is precisely why I held off the boyfriend conversation before now, even though there were several times I could have brought it up.
He’s got his big wedding show today that he’s been working so hard toward despite the stress of losing his home and his sister’s wedding before that.
I wanted him to be able to focus solely on his work before springing another heavy conversation on him.
Or…who knows? Maybe it won’t be a big deal at all. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.
The same kind of peace I felt at the cemetery settles over me as I quietly eat my lunch and listen to the banter between my crew.
I built this last hurdle up far greater than it needed to be, but I overcame it anyway.
That excitement I was anticipating starts bubbling within me.
It’s been forever since I’ve felt that new relationship energy and it’s powerful.
Hope for the future makes a smile tug at the corner of my mouth.
This is the start of a brand-new era, and I wouldn’t want to be sharing it with anyone other than Romeo.
My Romeo.
Naturally, the peace doesn’t last long. Our phones start pinging alerts and I can’t help but groan, knowing exactly what that particularly obnoxious noise means.
“Earthquake!” Rico cries.
“Urgh, again?” Sawyer complains.
“You know the drill,” I bark at them, already rising from my chair. “Take shelter!”
As we’re already seated at the table, it’s easy enough for us to duck under it. Lochlan hugs a whimpering Rocky to his chest, and I hope that Smokey has found a good place to hide. But the walls barely tremble this time before everything becomes still again.
“That was barely anything,” Gene grumbles, wincing as he hauls himself off the floor once more. None of us would dare insult him by offering to help, but I can tell his knees are bothering him.
It might not have been a bad one, but a tremor is still a tremor.
My thoughts immediately turn to Romeo’s apartment building.
The initial investigation didn’t seem too confident that the damage could be repaired.
What will this latest quake have done? And how far along was the gas company stress testing their pipes?
Are all the issues we had the last time still just as much of a problem?
“Let’s wait and see what calls come in before jumping to conclusions,” I warn them all. “Just because it wasn’t strong here doesn’t mean other areas weren’t—”
Sure enough, the tones interrupt me, and we all freeze to listen to dispatch.
“One-Thirteen to the Belleview Hotel. Fire reported on scene. Structural damage, possible explosion. Casualties reported.”
“Oh no, not the Belleview,” Yara cries sadly as we all run for our turnouts. “That’s where the schools all hold their dances.”
It hits me as I slow in front of my gear.
Dances?
Like prom?
Didn’t Romeo say his event was at the same place he went to prom?
Is he there?
“Captain?” Rico calls out, noticing that I’ve stopped in my tracks. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, I’m good!” I turn and raise my eyebrows at my crew who have all paused to look at me. “Let’s hustle! We don’t know the extent of the structural damage.”
Gene starts the siren as we all hop on board, racing toward the crisis.
The squad doesn’t need to know my paralyzing fear. I could be completely wrong. Besides, if Romeo is involved, my lieutenant might suggest I stay back and not get involved. He would be right to do that, but there’s no way on this earth that’s going to happen.
If Romeo needs me, wild horses couldn’t drag me away.