Chapter 45 Daniel
DANIEL
Grief would be the most accurate way to describe the catatonic state Elliot’s absence left me in.
Unable to eat, drink, or sleep, I felt like a ghost, searching for its purpose.
In the first three days after he left, I sank into a state of depression, reading the letter he left me over and over in a desperate attempt to make sense of it.
But at the end of those three days, I realized there was no sense, because Elliot would never leave me for those reasons.
Yes, I knew he was struggling with us needing to hide our relationship, but at the same time, he constantly urged me not to rush it and to only come out when I was ready.
This sudden change in heart didn’t align with me or him.
My suspicion that he’d lied in his letter became stronger after Vito told me what the two of them had spoken about just hours before Elliot left.
Thinking it would push him in the right direction, Vito told Elliot about his ex-lover, who tragically passed away after fighting his eating disorder for years.
In the unstable state Elliot was currently in, I could only assume how frightened he must have been afterward.
Enough to leave me.
Of course, there was the possibility I was mistaken and that he did leave after having had enough of me. But in that case, he’d have to say it to my face so I’d believe it. Therefore, with that thought in mind, I knew I had to follow him, but there was one problem—I had no idea where he was.
Since he’d left his phone behind, leaving no way for me to reach him, I had to rely on the old-fashioned ways and track him down.
My first and most certain guess was that he went back home, but apparently, I didn’t know where that was either, because in the whole time we’d been together, never once had he told me the name of his village.
All I knew was that it was in Provence, but Provence was huge.
Funny, wasn’t it? That I didn’t know the most basic details about the man I planned to share the rest of my life with.
That was why, a week later, the floor of my apartment turned into a map of the last two years in Elliot’s life.
Every cover he was on, every interview he did, I collected it all, hoping that somewhere in between those words, I’d find the clue that would help me track him down.
But there was none—not even a single detail that indicated where he might be.
Even the private investigator I’d hired was only able to come up with the address of an apartment he’d rented in Paris before moving to the USA three years ago.
Clearly, it wasn’t enough, and not even Vito was able to help me, as Elliot wrote down this condo as his address in all of their contracts.
Snapping out of my thoughts, I bent down and picked up a magazine that covered his appearance in a fashion show he did in Monaco.
Flipping through the pages, I looked at his many photos.
It was from when, a year ago? Perhaps a bit more, but either way, with those pictures right in front of me, I noticed how much weight he’d lost. The change was suddenly so vivid, and I wondered how I’d missed it.
You see my body every day… when you fuck me, you love it, right? You always tell me I’m so pretty.
Elliot said that himself, and thinking about it formed a knot in my stomach.
I placed down the magazine, as there was nothing that would help me written in it anyway.
At this pace, I’d never find him. I still hoped the PI would come back with something useful, but if not, and things came to it, I’d search the whole of France myself until I found Elliot.
The sound of a phone ringing pierced through the quiet space, and I looked around in search of it.
The room being a complete mess didn’t help in finding it.
I checked under the documents scattered on the coffee table, when I remembered I’d left my phone in the kitchen.
Going over there, I picked it up right at the last ring, hopeful it was the PI calling to tell me he’d found Elliot.
“Again, I’m so sorry,” I said for the third time with an apologetic smile.
Maya’s teacher didn’t seem to care about any of my excuses for being late and shot me a disapproving look. I completely deserved it, because if it weren’t for her call informing me Maya was waiting to be picked up, I would have forgotten it was my turn to take her from daycare.
“Just make sure it doesn’t happen again,” she scolded me—again—before walking back inside the school.
Looking to my right, I found Maya waiting quietly. With a cute little frown, she also seemed upset, so I crouched in front of her.
“I’m sorry for being late, sweetheart.” I stroked her chubby cheek when she pouted.
Just like her mother.
“You forgot me.”
My face fell. “Of course not… Daddy was just busy at work.”
She gave me an unimpressed look before averting her stare.
“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
She glanced at me, eyes narrowed. “I want to go to the park.”
“At this hour?” I checked my watch. “It’s a bit late—”
“Yes.”
Well…
“Okay, then.”
Taking her backpack from her, I hung it over my shoulder, then offered her my hand. “Shall we?”
At last, she smiled at me, then took my hand.
On our way to the park, Maya told me about everything that had happened to her today. About which friends she played with, what book they read in class, and what she ate for lunch. I wondered if Elliot ate today, too. And was his day okay? Or did he spend it thinking negative thoughts—
“Daddy!”
Snapping out of my thoughts, I looked down at an angry-looking Maya.
“What is it, sweetheart?”
Her little face scrunched up. “You’re not listening.”
I offered her a polite smile. “Sorry, I was just thinking about—”
“Work.”
What was a bigger sign that I failed as a parent, if not my six-year-old calling me out?
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I promise I’ll listen from now on.”
Squinting her eyes, she seemed skeptical for a mere moment until she decided I was forgiven and went back to her story.
This time, I made sure to stay focused and listen to every word until we reached the park.
As soon as we got there, she pointed over at a flower bed before running toward it.
I followed her, watching as she looked at all the flowers with a child’s admiration, when I noticed the lavender.
“Blue Gold?” Elliot asked, his magnificent eyes shining so bright.
“Indeed.”
“Why blue if it’s purple?” he chuckled.
“I absolutely have no idea.”
Pure sadness gripped my heart, and once again, I was left in utter hopelessness.
While I was here, he was out there, hurting.
I’d promised to protect him at all costs, and yet, I failed miserably.
My Blue Gold vanished overnight, leaving me with nothing but memories and pain I didn’t even know was possible to experience, so much so that a flower made me want to weep like a child.
“Here,” Maya said, before placing something in my hand.
I looked down to see a small ladybug.
“Oh,” I said, my eyes slightly teary.
“She’s pretty, isn’t she?”
I bent down to be eye level with my kid. “She really is.”
“I like her dots.” She pointed at the bug. “They make her different from all the other bugs.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Why are you sad, Daddy?”
Surprised by her question, I looked up from the ladybug to meet her blue eyes.
“Why would you ask that?” My voice came out tight and full of worry.
“Because you’re sad. I can see it.” She looked back at the ladybug and gently stroked it with her small finger. “We can invite Elli to play with us if you want.”
My heart just about stopped, and I gaped at her.
“Elli?”
She nodded before taking the ladybug from me. “Mommy said he’s your friend now.”
Shocked, but also overwhelmed, I continued to stare at my daughter.
“She did?”
“Yes.” Maya nodded, then carefully placed the ladybug back in the flower bed. “We can call him and ask him to make us pancakes.”
I chuckled, a genuine smile stretching on my lips for the first time this week. “Pancakes?” I nearly cried out the word.
Turning to face me, Maya hummed a yes. “He makes the best pancakes. Not like you.”
I pretended to scowl as I swallowed down my tears. “What do you mean, not like mine?”
Taking one step closer, she poked my nose. “He doesn’t use the box stuff.”
“You mean the pancake mix?”
She nodded, and the smile on her cute face made my chest bloom with so much love.
I then reached forward and hugged her. Without a second to doubt, she wrapped her small arms around me and hugged me back.
And as I breathed her in, I understood what she was doing—comforting me.
It brought tears to my eyes because, honestly, the last few weeks had been so hard that I didn’t even realize how much I lacked this.
“So can we call him?”
Tightening my arms around her, I hugged her harder, breathing her in. If this little angel still had it in her to love me this way, who was I to disappoint her?
“Yes, sweetheart, we can.”
After that, we walked around the park for a bit more before I took her back to her mother’s home, which was once mine as well.
With my working hours, or at least the ones I used to have, and prioritizing Maya’s comfort, it was better that she lived here with Claudia.
Besides, her mother was always a much more attentive parent, and in our divorce, having Maya stay with her was the only thing she asked for.
While at first I argued we’d have shared custody, I’d long since realized I was incapable of that.
As disappointing as it was to admit I sucked as a father, Maya’s interests were a higher priority than my pride.
Once we reached home, Maya ran up the steps leading into the house and opened the door with the keys I gave her. The only thing she didn’t do was close it behind her, but I did it for her. By the time I walked inside, Claudia had already picked up Maya into her arms.
“You’re back late,” she said, focusing on our daughter.
I knew she was still angry at me, but around Maya, she did her best to hide it.
“Daddy took me to the park.” Maya beamed, and I was thankful she didn’t mention the part about me forgetting to pick her up on time.
“That explains all the leaves in your hair,” Claudia chuckled, putting Maya down. “How about you run to the shower?”
“Okay, Mommy.”
Without wasting time, Maya took her backpack from me and dashed upstairs.
Claudia and I both looked at where she went as the sound of her steps filled the space.
“There’s a boy in school who picks on her,” Claudia said, cutting the awkward silence that Maya left behind her.
“Is there?” I frowned.
Crossing her arms, she sighed. “Yes.”
“Should I call the school?”
Smoothing her hand over her neck, she shook her head. “No need. I already took care of it. I just thought you should know.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it.”
She pretended to look around.
“I also signed her up for ballet class. She’s wanted it for a while now…”
I nodded like some idiot. “Good. That’s good.”
“It’s on Mondays and Wednesdays, so it means you’ll have to pick her up from there. I’ll send you the address; it’s not far from the school.”
“Thank you.”
She clicked her tongue. “Well, I’ve got to go back to work, so…”
“I’ll show myself out.”
Somehow, no matter how much time passed, I still struggled with feeling like a stranger in a place I used to call home. Sure, I was never my real self between these walls, but it was still my home.
I was about to go when I remembered something.
“You told Maya about Elliot?”
Stopping in her tracks, Claudia half turned to look at me.
“Eventually, she’ll know, so I thought it’s better to prepare the ground,” she huffed, trying to make light of it.
She might still be angry and hurt, and yet, she’d already thought about involving Elliot in Maya’s life. I doubted she understood how much it meant to me.
Elliot will be so happy when I tell him.
My heart clenched when I remembered there was no way for him to know since he wasn’t here. And with him leaving his phone behind, I couldn’t even call to tell him about it. In fact, who knew if I’d ever see him again?
“That’s very thoughtful of you, but…” I swallowed down the lump that formed in my throat. “Elliot left me.”
Claudia’s eyes widened, and she stared back at me in shock. “What? When?”
“Last week.” I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling my skin turning cold. “You’ll probably think I deserved it… but he actually broke up with me in a letter.”
She tsked, seeming angry.
“Is that why you look like you haven’t slept in a week?”
I didn’t even realize my lack of sleep was showing.
“Is it that bad?” I smoothed a hand over my jaw, feeling the thick stubble after I didn’t bother to shave, when Claudia’s stare hardened.
“Daniel, what’s going on?”
Squeezing my eyes, I let out a heavy sigh. “Elliot, he’s… he has anorexia. Or at least, I think that he does—no. I’m sure that he does.”
“Oh, God.”
“Either way, I handled it badly, and now he’s run away, and I’ve been trying to find out where he went for the past week.
So far, it hasn’t gone well at all. I mean, you’d assume that after all this time, I’d know where he’s from, right?
” I looked at her, feeling hopeless. “But I don’t.
I don’t know important things like that.
I mean, I didn’t know someone was bullying my daughter or that she even liked ballet.
When I think about it, I don’t even know what ice cream you like, and we were together for what, only nine years? ”
“Ten.”
“You see?” I snorted, but it lacked humor, and honestly, I just wanted it all to end. “I’m a shitty husband, a lousy father, and a horrible boyfriend—” My voice cracked, so I bit my lips and closed my eyes.
“Hey.”
Claudia’s soft voice made me open my eyes to see that she’d stepped closer.
“How about you stay here for the night?” she offered, resting her hand on my arm.
My brows scrunched up. “No, it’s not—”
“I don’t think you need to be alone, Daniel.” She sighed. “We could all have dinner together, and then you can sleep in the guest room.”
The thought of not going back to my empty house released the knot in my stomach.
“Are you sure?”
Claudia smiled, softly caressing my arm.
“Yes.”
Placing my hand on top of hers, I squeezed it. There was nothing romantic in this gesture, only gratitude, which Claudia accepted with her kind heart.