19. BLUE
BLUE
The morning sun slowly crept into the lighthouse, spilling across the floor. My eyes opened, and for a moment I didn’t search for him. I simply let myself be alone. My hand brushed over the cotton sheet we’d slept on, searching for any trace that this had been real.
I sat up and leaned against the wall, drawing my knees to my chest. Resting my face against them, I wrapped my arms tightly around myself.
For a long time, I’d refused to be swept away by fantasies that Oliver and I could ever talk about us, that maybe we’d find a way to be close again despite my brother.
I never expected anything, or believed we could be what we once were.
There was nothing to hope for. Yet somewhere deep inside, I still longed for the boy he had been before he lost his mother.
I’d heard all the gossip about how he treated women, fucking them before tossing them aside, never finding satisfaction in anything he did. But after seeing this side of him, the one I’d never known before, I found myself questioning everything people had said about him, including my brother.
My cheeks burned at the thought that he remembered the parts of me I had ignored, noticing every little detail and burying it in his mind for years.
It made me wonder if he’d noticed my flaws too.
Did he see the way I was with him? The mistakes I’d made?
And if he had, would he ever forgive me for them?
He said he would leave the past behind, but we were still living in it. We were both part of it. The thought scared me. One day he might realize that and decide he didn’t want to stay here any longer, even if he had nowhere else to go.
I stood and began pacing through the lighthouse, walking back and forth until my steps slowed in front of the wardrobe. I opened the door. The clothes inside were still clean, and the scent of aged wood carried what was left of my father and my childhood.
It hurt knowing that all those years I’d been searching for him while he had been so close, wasting his life chasing something someone else had lost. But what hurt most was remembering all those evenings I waited at the dock with a lantern in my hands, trying to be his lighthouse, while he had been living inside one all along.
He knew the way home. He had simply chosen not to come back.
The clothes I wore still carried the stale smell of the sea, and I wanted to change into anything that didn’t remind me of that night.
I reached for an oversized white button-up shirt and slipped it from the hanger.
I peeled off my navy shorts and tossed them aside, then pulled my shirt over my head and let it fall beside them until I stood barefoot and naked before the wardrobe.
I reached behind my back and unhooked my bra. A slow breath escaped me as the straps slipped from my shoulders and the fabric slid down my skin.
The door suddenly burst open, and in an instant, my hands flew to my bare breasts as I spun to the side, keeping my back to the doorway.
I heard him curse behind me.
“Fuck.” His breathing quickened. “I’m sorry. I should’ve knocked.”
He stumbled back and pulled the door shut.
My whole body trembled, my heart refusing to slow even after he was gone. Then came the dull thud against the wood. The door shifted by the slightest fraction. He was leaning against it.
No man had ever touched me, let alone seen me naked.
The thought alone terrified me. What if he’d seen my scars?
What if he’d noticed all the things I tried so hard to hide?
He’d dated so many beautiful women with perfect bodies.
This version of me, stripped bare, couldn’t possibly compare. I was certain of it.
I bent to pick up the shirt from the floor and slipped it over my shoulders, fastening the two middle buttons. Then I ran my fingers through my hair, smoothing the loose curls as best I could.
I stepped towards the door, my fingers curling around the handle. Through the wood, I could still hear him breathing.
“Olly?” My voice came out softer than I’d intended.
“Yes, Blue,” he answered, his voice rough from the other side.
“You can come in.”
I let go of the handle and took two steps back.
The handle pressed down, and he eased the door open before stepping inside, his arms full of packages he’d found at the shore. He was soaked from the sea. His linen shirt clung to his chest, his trousers nearly see-through.
He cleared his throat as he walked past me and set the food on the kitchen counter.
“I have no idea if any of this is good,” he said. “But the bread seemed alright.” Turning to face me, he added, “You have to eat something.”
“What about you?” I asked, meeting his eyes as I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
“I’ll eat something else.”
His gaze drifted to my lips before lowering to my collarbone, then the V-neck of my shirt. The cool morning air had already hardened my nipples beneath the thin fabric. I couldn’t tell if he’d noticed, but I was grateful I’d changed out of yesterday’s clothes.
“Okay,” I said, walking towards the table where papers lay scattered across its surface. I still hadn’t gone through them all, and I didn’t want to. The more I knew, the more it hurt.
The purse he’d placed there last night sat in the corner of the table. I recognized the small brown pouch instantly. It was mine.
“This…” I picked it up, slipped the elastic off, and reached inside. My fingers closed around a cassette player, the same one that still held the only cassette I’d found in 2001. I slid it out and smiled. “I wonder if it survived.”
“I doubt it,” he said, twisting open one of the small bottles of water from the pack of six he’d collected earlier.
I pressed play, but nothing came through. I unplugged the headphones still attached to it, opened the side compartment, and pulled out the cassette.
A smile tugged at my lips as I turned it over in my hands. “I wonder what song I left it on.”
He looked over, set the bottle on the counter, and walked towards me. “Where did you get that?” he asked, his voice suddenly serious, reaching for the tape.
“Hey.” I pulled it back before he could take it. “It’s mine.”
A smile flickered across his face. “Did you record every song on it?”
“No.” I shook my head, meeting his gaze. “But the songs on it healed me when no one else could.”
He stepped closer, leaving barely any space between us. My chin lifted on instinct as he towered over me. Every step he took forced one from me until my back met the wall.
One hand braced against it beside my head as he leaned in.
“I lost that tape in 2001,” he murmured. “At the Light Festival. In Annie’s car.”
His breath brushed against my lips. The fingers of his other hand curled beneath my chin, tilting my face up to his.
“Didn’t you notice the first letters of the songs spell out I hate you?”
I swallowed.
“No.” I shook my head, my whole body betraying me as his words sent a shiver racing down my spine.
“Technically, I hated y…” He gave a quiet huff of amusement. “Since I started collecting them. But I couldn’t find a single valid reason to hate you.”
“So…” I breathed, barely louder than a whisper. “You don’t hate me?”
“Maybe.” He smirked, his eyes never leaving mine.
I parted my lips, watching him, trying to guess his next move, but I didn’t expect this.
“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath.
His hand slid to my jaw, cupping my cheek and drawing me closer, and then his lips crashed into mine.
My eyes fluttered shut.
A sky full of stars burst behind my eyelids as his tongue traced along my lips, coaxing me deeper into a trance I didn’t know how to escape.
I had no idea what I was doing, so I followed his lead.
His tongue found mine, tangling with it in a slow, intoxicating rhythm that stole every coherent thought from my mind.
His lips moved against mine with a hunger that left me breathless, as though he wanted to consume me whole.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t think.
His other hand came up to cradle my face, pulling me impossibly closer.
Every inch of my skin prickled. Goosebumps chased across my arms as one of my feet lifted from the floor. I’d always thought that was just something people did in movies, something directors made up to sell romance.
It wasn’t.
It was my body surrendering before my mind ever could.
Everything inside me drifted weightless until the person I’d spent years trying to escape became the only thing keeping me grounded. I hadn’t known a kiss could do that. I’d only heard people talk about it.
He showed me it was real.
He stole my first kiss and left nothing behind.
He took every piece of it without ever looking back.
His hand slipped from my face to my breast, sliding beneath my shirt until his palm cupped me. Heat coiled low inside me, impossible to ignore. My body longed for something I didn’t understand, while the last remnants of the hatred I’d once carried for him dissolved into nothing.
His other hand settled against the small of my back, pulling me flush against him until I felt the hard outline of his erection pressing through his trousers.
I gasped.
He noticed immediately and stepped back.
“Fuck.”His hands ran through his hair as he turned his back to me, like he wanted to hide what my body had done to him.
“I can’t,” he said between ragged breaths. “We can’t do this.” He swallowed hard. “I… I don’t want you to regret it.”
My fingers drifted to my lips, still tingling, still hungry for him.
“You stole my first kiss.” I took a step closer. “You took it, and now you can’t stop.”
My hand hovered just above his back, but I didn’t dare touch him.
“Don’t stop kissing me.”
He turned to face me.
“What if one day there’s a man you actually deserve?” he asked quietly. “And I took that away from you?”
My hand settled against his chest. Without looking away, he covered it with his own, pressing my palm more firmly against him.