Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
JESSE
After the break is over and school resumes, I’m back to my regularly scheduled program of studying and stressing.
I know the pressure I’m feeling is of my own doing, but it’s the final stretch. My mom has done everything to bring me to this point, to make sure I have a shot at going to college and doing something I love, even if I haven’t found what that could be yet.
But Roman has, and every time I think about it, I get ridiculously happy for him.
Weeks turn into months, and by the time spring is here, I’m certain he’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane.
He can always tell when my anxiety builds so much it feels crushing, even if I don’t tell him. All it takes is one look at me and he’s pulling me into his arms, kneading my neck and nuzzling my hair. It never fails to make me relax.
He’s also been smiling so much more, and I’ve caught him talking and smiling to my mom a couple of times as well, the sight making my throat tighten to the point of pain.
The only time he has shadows in his eyes is when his father is in the room.
I don’t know what has happened between them and why he’s like that with Roman, but I hate it. I hate to see Roman retreat into himself afterwards.
And I don’t like the covert glances Andrew aims at his son every time Roman is even remotely happy.
Like Roman doesn’t deserve it.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it and perhaps this is all in my head, especially since Andrew is always perfectly polite and composed when we’re all together, but I can’t ignore the things Roman has mentioned in passing about his dad, and I’ve learned to trust my gut through the years.
I know how much appearances can be misleading.
I just wish I could take Roman’s shadows away for good, even if I don’t know the full extent of them. Even if I’m still struggling with my own.
In March, I have another sleepwalking episode, and it’s only because I end up in Roman’s room and wake up again with him holding me that I don’t freak the fuck out.
I know that it’s my own restlessness triggering it, but it’s not like I can put a stop to the school-related stress or the emotional turmoil inside me, and I’m choosing not to.
Some days, all I want is to fall asleep with Roman wrapped around me, with his strong heartbeat in my ears, and his soft exhales on my hair, knowing fully well that this is exactly what I need to make everything else go quiet.
But it’s those same days that I feel the most restless, almost as if torn between closing my eyes and letting sleep take me into a few hours of oblivion, and needing to stay awake to safeguard something more important, to make sure I always have eyes on the one thing I need to hold onto with all my might.
The one thing I never want to leave out of my sight for fear it will disappear the moment I blink. This. Him.
Roman is awake when I slip into his room on a late, Wednesday night.
He’s lying on his bed, back leaning against the headboard, knee bent, music coming faintly from his earphones.
My pulse races when he looks up and gives me a warm, half-smile.
He doesn’t even look surprised that I’m here, like it’s only natural that I would be in his bedroom at this hour, sliding under his covers, and laying my head in the crook of his neck taking in his crisp, soapy scent.
There is a bit of movement as he takes out his earphones, and his arm pulls me in tighter.
“What is it, Blue?” he mumbles softly.
“Nothing.” I shrug. “I can’t sleep.”
He hums, his hand coming up to thread in my hair, his fingers running through the strands in the soothing way he does that I love.
“Come on,” he says suddenly, brushing a quick kiss on my hair and getting up.
“Huh?” I answer very helpfully.
“We’re going out.”
I’m pretty sure I’m staring at him like an idiot.
“Now?”
“Yes.”
My mouth opens and closes uselessly, before I find the word I’m looking for.
“Why?”
Roman’s cheek is twitching like crazy and I want to smack him.
Well, excuse me for having questions.
“Some fresh air will be good for you.”
And now I can’t talk before there is a fucking huge lump in my throat.
“But everyone’s sleeping,” I manage to croak out in a small voice.
His eyes bore into mine as he leans close enough to tilt my chin up and brush his lips against mine, warmth curling in my belly.
“We’ll be quiet,” he whispers, pulling back just enough for me to see his devilish smile. “Go get your shoes and meet me downstairs.”
I’ve never run faster in my life.
***
The night is cold as fuck.
Too bad I don’t give a shit.
In fact, I’m bundled up in so many layers of Roman’s clothes that the crisp, night air stinging my face from our open car windows doesn’t faze me one bit.
I inhale until my lungs are burning.
Roman drives us through quiet neighborhoods that eventually spill into the open road, before he takes us uphill, through a street with less houses and more trees.
“Are you taking me somewhere you can bury my body and no one will find out?”
“Yeah, you caught me. It’s my revenge for you stealing all my snacks.”
I gasp in outrage, my head whipping to the side.
“You gave them to me voluntarily.”
He snorts. “Debatable.”
I press my lips together so as not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me smile like a deranged person.
I haven’t felt my chest this light in days.
“You could have just refused, you know.”
“Sure.”
I frown at his profile. “What?”
Roman shakes his head.
“I think you overestimate my ability to say no to you.”
My heart skips a beat, flutters exploding in my stomach.
“Yeah?”
He shoots me a quick look filled with amusement.
“Yeah, Blue.”
Damn him. Damn him for saying the sweetest fucking things when I least expect them, for making me feel warmer than all the clothes I have on combined.
“Thank you, Roman.”
My voice is quiet, but he hears it all the same over the thrum of the engine, over the whoosh of the wind, throwing me a puzzled look.
“For suggesting this and for coming along.”
He glances my way, and even though he doesn’t say anything, he reaches over to me, his fingers threading with mine in a light squeeze I feel around my heart.
I relax, letting the wind whip my hair against my face, my eyes watering in the chilly night.
The car slowly pulls to a stop and I sit straight in the passenger seat, trying to tell where we are but coming up blank.
When we exit the car, my steps stutter at the view before me—clear, night sky as far as the eye can see, bright moonlight shining down on us, and what feels like the whole world spread below us, rows and rows of homes with their porch lights, and driveway lights, and street lights on, bleeding into the city in the distance.
I turn to look at Roman as he rounds the car and joins me, his expression unreadable.
“What is this place?” I ask him, reaching for him.
His arms go around me as if we’re two puzzle pieces slotting together.
The moonlight casts shadows on his face as his gaze roams over everything in front of us, before settling on me.
“Do you like it?”
“I do,” I say with a smile. “It kind of makes you feel like you’re the only person in the whole world.”
“I found this spot by accident. One day I was driving and suddenly I was here. It’s where I used to come when everything became too much and I wanted to be alone.
When I used to feel like I couldn’t breathe.
” His voice is so low, it might as well be a whisper carried by the cold breeze.
“The air feels clearer up here. I thought it might help you, too.”
The same air now ruffles his black hair, leaving it tousled as it falls messily on his forehead, his dark eyes reflecting the moon.
But my mind snags on his words.
“Used to?” I mumble, my fingers tightening where they’re gripping the long-sleeved T-shirt beneath his jacket.
He pulls me in so close I feel my entire body molding on his.
I can almost feel his heart beating against mine.
“I don’t feel it as much anymore,” he rasps out, the raw honesty behind that statement cracking something inside me.
“Why?”
The question escapes me before I can contain it, but it feels safe to ask it here where there’s no one else but us, where we can speak this into existence, this thing we made out of nothing, out of nighttime meet-ups in the kitchen, and shared looks, and kisses under the covers.
This thing that feels too much and not enough.
His hand comes up and he cradles my cheek, his thumb softly grazing my skin.
Roman’s eyes are burning.
“You know why.”
He doesn’t say anything else, and he doesn’t need to.
Because yes, I do know.
It’s the reason I hate that time is moving so fast towards my finals, because even though it feels like I’ve been waiting my whole life to move on and do more, learn more, live more, now I can’t imagine doing any of those things without him.
Which is fucking crazy. We’re eighteen years old, for fuck’s sake. We’ve never even talked about what the hell we’re doing being like this with each other, always close, never apart.
We were just supposed to be stepbrothers, and maybe even friends.
Not this. Not this impossibly beautiful and devastating thing that breathes so much life into me I feel like I wouldn’t need anything else, ever.
His eyes never leave mine as I simply nod in answer to his earlier words, and I want to let myself be consumed by the flames blazing in them.
Pulling myself up on my toes, I mutter, “Kiss me?”
The words are barely out of my mouth when his lips brush against mine. He pulls my bottom lip between his own, sucking on it with insistent pulls that make my entire body tingle. He teases me with soft, feather-light kisses that make my mind hazy.
I have to grip his shirt tightly, feeling my knees buckle, my body trembling.
It’s a relief when my back hits the car door.
My mouth parts on a whimper and Roman swallows the sound, sliding inside, licking into me with perfect strokes until I feel raw, used, owned.
Until I feel like his.
He doesn’t move away when we separate. His forehead presses against mine and I feel his hot, shallow breath on my wet lips.
“Hey, Ro?” I whisper.
He pulls slightly back and I wish he could see the way he looks right now, framed by the starry darkness around us.
The sight makes me ache.
“What, Blue?”
My heart pounds in my chest.
“Will you fuck me?”
Roman sucks in a breath, the arm that’s still wrapped around me tightening even more, like a steel band that holds me exactly where I want to be.
“What?” he mutters hoarsely, and I can feel the tension in his body, in the hand still cupping my face. I can feel how much he wants me, the tight leash he has on his control.
“You heard me.” The night makes me bold enough to strip myself bare for him, to let him see everything.
I peek at him from under my eyelashes, sliding my hands up and up until they tangle around his neck, letting him feel exactly how much he affects me, how much I need him. “Will you take me home and fuck me?”
I see it when it happens, when Roman’s control crumbles. The moment he looks at me like he wants to eat me whole, like I’m his personal heaven and hell.
Like he’s never wanted anything more.
My eyes flutter briefly when his head dips and he nuzzles my throat, his warm breath raising goosebumps on my skin.
But it has nothing on the words he speaks against the shell of my ear.
“Let’s go home, Jesse.”