Chapter 29 Violet
Violet
Ijerked awake, my face wet with tears as I blinked into the darkness. It felt like I’d been stuck in that dream for days, but it was still the middle of the night.
Groaning, I lifted Colt’s arm off my belly, only to replace his touch with my own.
I waited for one kick. One roll. Anything.
Please, baby.
That dream had felt so real my heart was still pounding in my chest. I could feel the emotions burning in my throat.
The baby was in my arms and then he was just…gone.
And I knew he wasn’t missing. I knew he’d been born. But he never cried.
He never took a breath.
I never got to see his eyes.
My chin quivered as a shiver rolled through my body. I pressed my hand over my mouth, trying to cover the sob that tore through me, but I wasn’t quick enough. Because at my back, Colt moved.
“Vi?” His deep, sleep-filled voice filled the space between us. I couldn’t answer though. The phantom weight of our son was still pressing down on my arms as more tears poured down my face.
“Fuck,” I heard him mumble as his weight left the bed. In a heartbeat, he was kneeling in front of me. Colt clicked on the small lamp next to my side of the bed, wincing before his worried eyes focused on me. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
His hands rested on me. One on my thigh, the other on my belly. I covered my face with my own hands and lost it.
“Violet? Jesus, this is scaring me, baby. Tell me what happened. Are you in pain? Is something wrong? What can I do? What should I be doing?”
I’d fully lost it. All this time, all this anxiety building up inside, there was always going to be a point when it came crashing down.
Because it wasn’t just the relentlessness of this faceless threat that was getting to me.
It was the silent monster of battling infertility that had been scaring me from the very beginning.
Of getting pregnant, but not being able to stay pregnant.
When it finally happens, everyone expects that the worry will go away.
Once you make it to the safe zone. Once you’re in the second trimester.
Once you feel the baby kick. But it never goes away.
It’s constantly there, the worry that once again, I’ll wake up and my baby will be gone. That he’ll be born, but he’ll never—
“Breathe, sweetheart. Christ. Just breathe. It’s all going to be okay. Whatever this is, it’s going to be okay.”
“He…he d-didn’t…he couldn’t…open his eyes. I held…h-him.” God. The words were just getting stuck in my throat. Falling out all jumbled and indecipherable as snot and tears poured down my face. “I h-held him…” My breathing stuttered. “He was b-beautiful. But he…our b-baby w-wasn’t…a-alive.”
“Oh, darlin’.” His deep voice rumbled in his chest. “No. That’s not going to happen. No. Come here.” I closed my eyes, the bed dipping down as Colt sat next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I turned into him, into his chest, and lost it all over again.
“Just breathe, Violet. Try and breathe. You’re okay.
The baby is okay. You’re doing a perfect job of keeping him safe.
He’s going to be born soon. We’ll hold him in our arms. He’ll be here.
He’ll be safe, and warm, and so squishy.
He’s ours, and he’s going to be just fine.
You’ve done it. You’ve done such a good job.
You’re so fucking strong and I’m in awe of you. Just breathe, baby. Just breathe.”
I couldn’t say how many minutes passed with us just sitting like that. Colt slowly rocked me back and forth as I cried until there were no more tears left inside me.
“Was that the first time?” he asked, his thumb gently wiping away what I hoped were the last of my tears.
“No. It was torture in the beginning. I’d have a nightmare that I was in bed and there would be blood. So much blood. I’d wake up screaming for you.”
He looked so heartbroken at my admission. “Vi.”
“It’s fine. It should have gotten better. It has gotten better. Everything escalating just feels…wrong. You, getting hurt…It just set me on edge.” I brushed my hand over my bump. “I wish he would move.”
“Do you want to go to the hospital? To just check that everything’s okay?”
“No, no. I’m being hysterical.”
Colt stood, pressing a kiss to my head. Then he walked back to his side of the bed and grabbed his phone, motioning for me to meet him back in the middle of the mattress.
“Give me one second. I just need to go to the bathroom. Splash some water on my face.”
“I’ll go with you.” He set his hands against the mattress, but a simple shake of my head had him stopping.
I smiled. “I’m okay.”
“Leave it unlocked.”
“As if those muscles couldn’t bust down that door if you needed to,” I teased.
“Oh, I’m sure they could. But I don’t want to waste any time if you need me to get to you. Leave it unlocked, please.”
I nodded, padding into the small room. I heard Colt speaking quietly, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. By the time I washed my hands and was back in the bedroom, he was sitting silently, waiting for me.
The baby rolled, delivering a kick to my ribs that had me both wincing and sighing in relief. My fingers pressed against his foot, another little wiggle from him calming my nerves. I moved as best I could, settling back on the thick pillows that felt like heaven to my aching back.
“Were you talking to yourself while I was in the bathroom?”
He shook his head, looking up from the illuminated screen of his phone. “No. I called Birdie.”
“Oh?”
“She said vivid dreams like that can be common in pregnancy, but if you feel like something is wrong, not to ignore it. She’s working tonight and said she’d have no problem with you going in to see her, just for reassurance if you need it.”
I climbed back into bed, more on his side than my own. I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed his arms around me. “That’s really kind of her, but it was just a dream. He’s moving around now that he has more room since I emptied my bladder.”
Colt nodded, his hand settling over the largest part of my bump. “Are you sure you don’t want to go in?”
“I’m sure. Nothing feels off. It was just that dream…just my mind…”
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side, pressing a kiss to the top of my head as it rested on his shoulder.
“Think you can go back to sleep?”
“No. I might just get up and try to write for a bit. But you should go back to sleep. Your head—”
“I have a better idea.”
“Colt, honestly, you need to be resting. Is your head bothering you?”
He smiled over his shoulder as we walked down the stairs. “Not one bit.”
“Liar.”
“Fine. Maybe a little. But nothing a cup of coffee and holding my girl won’t fix.”
My eyes rolled to the ceiling, even though I knew he couldn’t see my sass. “Smooth.”
“Always have been. Always will be.”
We stopped for a minute by the front door, where Colt draped one of his Carhartts over my shoulders.
I slipped my arms into the sleeves and laughed, knowing there was no way I was going to be able to zip it up over my belly, but grateful for the extra warmth.
I was only wearing an old shirt of Colt’s because I got really hot at night.
And my cotton undies really weren’t thermal at all.
“I fear I’ve grown too large to share your clothes.” There was a tinge of self-doubt in there, but the way Colt’s gaze lingered on the extra curvy parts of my body washed it away in an instant.
“No need to zip it. I’ll keep you warm if you start to get cold.”
We stopped in the kitchen, where I opened the cupboard and pulled down the bottle of over the counter headache meds I knew he kept in there.
“Here. Take two of these.” I passed over the pills and watched as he swallowed them down dry. My whole body shuddered. “That’s still as horrific as the first time I saw you do it.”
He just chuckled as he tapped the code into the security system and opened the door to the back porch.
The air was crisp. Chilly, but not terribly cold. And the sky…my heart skipped a beat as I looked up at the sky, full of bright, shining stars.
“What are we doing out here?” I whispered, sinking back into his chest as he moved in close behind me. Our hands found each other and we gently swayed back and forth.
“We’re going to watch the sunrise. It’s not too far off now. Maybe another five, ten minutes and we’ll start to see the sky light up.”
I tipped my face up. “There are so many stars. I missed this.”
“Too much light pollution in the city?”
“Yeah. And I never had a reason to look at them, you know? Life just gets busy, and these really slow and purposeful moments just sort of start slipping by.”
Colt’s grip tightened on my hand. “Are you warm enough?”
“Yes. Your son usually makes me feel like I have a furnace attached to me. The air feels nice.”
We stood there, silent for another moment. The very first colors of sunrise caught on the horizon.
“See that little clearing over there?” Colt pointed off to the left, where a small cove had been carved out of the trees that led to the forested part of the property.
“Did you pick up lumber-jacking as a hobby after I left?”
“No.” He chuckled, pulling me into his side and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “Lachlan and Hayes helped me clear it out about a year after our divorce. It was hard; an old oak tree kicked my ass. But I won in the end.”
“Why did you clear it out?”
“You can’t see it yet, but when the sun comes up, you will.”
And he was right. The sun kept rising, not yet quite over the edge of the land, when I could finally see beyond the porch and into the trees.
“You put a swing out there?” I didn’t know how I’d missed seeing it in the time I’d been back at our house. It was tucked out of the way, so anyone who wasn’t really looking for it could easily never find it. But still…
“I did. Planted an entire patch of violets around it, too. I spend a lot of time out there. Reading your books. Feeling close to you.”
I looked over our shoulders to the second floor of the house. The nursery window faced that spot.
“Colt.”
“I’ve been thinking about how sweet it will be to let the baby play over there when he’s a little older.” His head lowered, pressing his lips to my head.
“I missed this,” I admitted softly.
“This?” he asked.
“Living life with you.”
“I missed it, too.”
He leaned down, his face so close I could feel the warmth radiating off of him. “Can I kiss you, Violet?”
“Yes,” I panted. “You don’t have to ask. I’m yours.”
“You are. Mine. Only mine. And I’m yours.”
His lips crashed into mine. It was passionate and explosive, and yet it felt like that kiss narrowed the world down infinitely small to a space where just he and I existed.
Colt’s hand moved from cupping my chin, ever so gently lifting my face to reach his, his other hand going down my body.
He stopped at my breasts, groaning at the way he could feel how ready and willing I was to receive his touch.
My nipples were hard, the shirt doing nothing to hide the way they strained against the fabric.
I was desperate to feel his touch there.
Desperate for him to kiss all over my body.
As if he read my mind, Colt broke away from our kiss. His hand slid up under my shirt, palming my belly as his mouth wrapped around my nipple. One second I was standing with both feet firmly on the ground, the next I was floating, as every nerve ending in my body lit up with excitement.
“God,” I hissed.
“Quiet, Vi,” he whispered after he pulled away. “My dad is up and likely walking the ranch somewhere right now. We don’t want to get caught.”
The thought of that should have made me want to run inside and hide, but it only added to the throbbing between my legs.
“Naughty girl. You like the idea of us sneaking off to do something, don’t you?”
“Reminds me of the first time you made a move, and we ended up in the hay loft.”
“Hayes was a real cock block that day. Couldn’t stop yelling out for me.”
I laughed. “We made up for it at the springs that night.”
Colt groaned. He walked us over to my favorite spot on the porch. Sitting down in my chair, he guided my body closer until I climbed on top of him.
“This can’t be comfortable for you.”
“Everything about this is excruciating, Vi.” His hips moved, pressing his erection to my core. Oh shit.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Mama. So fucking sexy. So full with my baby.”
I gasped as I rocked my hips. My hands went to work, finding the waistband of his pants and pushing them down below his hips. I reached into his briefs, wrapping my hand around his shaft and giving it a little pump as I pulled it out.
“You’re in control, darlin’. Take what you need.”
That was all the instruction I needed. I sank down on top of him in one swift motion until he was seated fully inside me, the stretch delicious and all consuming.
Each rock of my hips changed the pressure inside, the sensations climbing and warming my body.
His lips were on my neck as I dropped my head back, arching my body so my belly pressed against him.
With my eyes still closed, I felt the heat of his breath moving down my body, until he pulled one of my nipples into his mouth.
The wet fabric of the shirt sent me spiraling into what felt like another dimension.
“Shh, baby.” Colt’s mouth popped off my breast. “I love those sounds, but any louder and I won’t be the only person hearing them. I’d hate to have to shoot one of my brothers for hearing what’s only meant for me.”
“I. Can’t…It feels too good. You feel too…”
“I know. You focus on what feels good. I’ll take care of your mouth.”
I rode him harder, chasing that feeling that I knew was just a moment away from slamming into me. I could feel my walls fluttering around him, milking him. Begging for his release in time with mine.
Just as my vision started to darken, Colt’s mouth was back at my breast. His teeth raked over my sensitive nipple, and that was it.
I tipped my head back towards the sky as my orgasm slammed into me.
I opened my mouth to scream, but his mouth was somehow there, lips on my lips, swallowing down every last moan.
When he released me from his kiss, I smiled, tucking my head down against his chest.
“Good morning, world,” I laughed, trying to catch my breath.
“Good morning, indeed.”