Chapter 34
Colt
“Things are going to start moving very quickly,” Dr. Witten announced. He’d come into the room about a minute ago, taken one look at the baby’s stats, and started ordering nurses around. I’d been so focused on Vi and the pain she was in, I couldn’t comprehend the words he was saying.
“Dad, you need to take a seat?” The question from the nurse in soft pink scrubs snapped me out of my stupor.
I know she told us her name, I remember her saying it, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember it now.
Because everything in my body felt like it was turning off.
A sick numbness slithered from my toes to the top of my head, and as soon as I looked back at Violet, I couldn’t breathe.
“No,” I cleared my throat as I grabbed Violet’s hand, “tell us what’s going on.”
Dr. Witten gave me a sympathetic smile. “Violet is experiencing more frequent contractions now. Babies' heart rates can speed up and slow down during these contractions—again, completely normal—but it’s important to note the length and magnitudes of these changes. Now, this is where we’re getting stuck.
Your little one doesn’t seem to be very happy when the contractions happen, and he’s starting to take longer and longer to return to his baseline.
He's not coping well, so I’ve put in the order for an epidural and instructed the team to prepare you for a cesarean.
It's time to celebrate your baby's birthday.”
Violet’s eyes widened to an alarming size, bouncing between my face and the nurse as she squeezed my hand tightly.
“So something is wrong. Take him now. Please! I want to be awake when he’s born, but it’s more important that he’s okay when he comes out.
” The first tear slipped down her cheek, and I reached up to brush it away.
I wanted to hop in that bed with her and hold her against me as I fell apart, too.
But that wasn’t my job. And from the way the nurse was aggressively eyeing me, it was clear that I had to step in and calm her down.
“Why aren’t people rushing in here? Colt? Shouldn’t there be people rushing?”
“I don’t know, Violet.” I wanted to kick my own ass for how worry and dread laced every letter of her name as it came out of my mouth.
The nurse gently held Violet’s arm. “I know it sounds scary, but I promise you, if there was something to be worried about, I would tell you. We’ve had time to get the medicine in to reverse your blood thinner, which means you can have local anesthesia instead of general.
We're already cooking with gas. And I’m staying with you through the whole thing, okay?
Besides, Dr. Witten is exactly who I would want handling this.
In fact…” She moved around the room, pressing a button on the machine that was monitoring Violet’s blood pressure.
“My second baby—a stubborn boy who came out with a knack for making everything dramatic—was a c-section by Dr. Witten in a very similar situation to this. There’s no one better. ”
Violet nodded. “My husband. He can be with us when the baby’s born, can’t he?”
Her husband. My fucking heart was in my throat.
“Of course he can. Dad, if you want to say bye to Mom right now, I’m going to take her down to the OR to get prepped. I promise a nurse will come get you when it’s time to join the birthday party.”
“I love you,” I whispered as I dropped my head down to hers. “You’re going to be fine. The baby is going to be fine.”
“I won’t let them start without you.”
“I’m running to that operating room, Vi. The minute they tell me I can go. I’m sprinting to get back to you.”
“I love you, Colt. I love you, and I’m so grateful you’re here.”
The side rails to Vi’s bed clicked into place, and the nurse released the brakes on the wheels. She started rolling away, my hand slipping out of hers as she went.
“Oh! Your family, Colt. They should be here!”
I ran my hand over my face, falling back on to the chair. Shit. I’d been so focused on Vi…
Vi and I are at St. Clare’s. The baby’s coming. Heading for a c-section. She asked for you all to be here. Jessie, can you grab our bags from the closet in our room and some slippers for Vi? I have to go, but I’ll text as soon as I know they’re both okay.
My phone buzzed as I set it on the table next to the chair, but I didn’t pick it back up. Because at the same time, a nurse came in and handed me a pile of clothes.
“Put these on over what you’re wearing. As soon as you’re ready, I’ll take you to the OR.”
I’d never gotten dressed faster in my life.
I swear time slowed down the second I stepped into the operating room.
I’m glad Vi had reminded me to take the time to tell everyone we were at the hospital.
I wanted my family there. Not just for me, but because I knew they would help ground her.
If something happened to the baby…if something happened to VI… I’d fucking need them, too.
The fluorescent lights were bright, burning my eyes. I recognized the soft music she’d picked out playing over the speakers, which was a nice touch, but my heart tripped over itself in my chest when my eyes landed on her.
My wife was on the operating table, a drape pinned up over her chest. She looked like she was about to be in one of those magic acts where the magician sawed her in half.
The beautiful belly I’d been so lucky to fall in love with over the last few weeks was bare, just a surgical blanket laying across her legs.
It was freezing in that operating room. She had to be so cold.
I forced my legs to carry me across the room to the stool that sat by her head. Her eyes were pinned on the ceiling, but as soon as I got close enough, her face moved towards mine. Those emerald green eyes of hers pinned me in place.
“Colt…”
“Breathe, darlin’. Everything’s fine. It’s all going to be okay.” I slipped my hand over hers, careful not to disturb the straps holding her down. God. This was fucking medieval.
The next few minutes went by in a blur. Dr. Witten was there, starting the operation and Violet winced, gasping when he warned her of excess pressure. I couldn’t look at anything other than her. My beautiful wife. Willing to sacrifice so much to bring our son into the world.
And then I heard it. The sound of Vi’s breath rushing out of her lungs in the same instant our son’s first cry rang out loud and boisterously into the operating room.
“He’s here.” My tears flowed freely down my face as I pressed a kiss to her forehead. Dr. Witten had held him up over the curtain for a second before he was whisked off to be cleaned up by a nurse. “You are amazing, Vi. So strong. So incredible. I love you. I love you, darlin’. Forever and ever.”
“He cried,” she whispered.
“Yes,” I laughed. “He’s got some big lungs on him, doesn’t he?”
“He took his first breath.” Tears were now pouring out of her eyes as her body shook. I looked to the anesthesiologist who was also sitting by her head. “We did it. He’s h-here and he’s b-breathing.”
“Shaking is normal, Dad. Don’t panic,” she said as if she could read my mind.
“Alright, who is ready to say hello to their beautiful baby boy?”
One of the nurses set our baby into my arms, and my knees nearly collapsed under me.
“Colt…”
The world narrowed to a singular point. My family. My wife and my son.
He was a perfect blend of me and Vi. Perfect. There were no other words that came to mind, everything felt so overwhelming. And then he opened his eyes and looked at me.
And I lost it all over again.
“He’s beautiful, sweetheart. Look, he has your lips.
” I held the baby at an angle so that Vi could see his precious face.
He was the cutest little chunk, and even though I’d never say it to Violet, I could see my own face in his so clearly.
We’d done that. Made him all those years ago.
And he was real, and warm, and finally with us.
Somewhere in the background, a monitor started beeping, but I barely registered it as Violet’s smile took over her entire face.
“He’s so…he’s beautiful…so….dizzy.”
Dizzy?
“Jackie, take dad and baby out. Now.” Dr. Witten’s voice left no room for argument.
I felt the nurse’s hand on my shoulder, but didn’t want to leave Violet alone.
It was only when I looked down at her face that I realized how quickly everything had changed.
My beautiful wife’s big emerald eyes were rolled into the back of her head.
Her face had lost all of its color, and only a thin sheen of sweat covered her forehead.
“What’s happening? I don’t under—”
“Colt. I need you to listen to me. Violet is hemorrhaging. We’re going to do everything we can, but you need to do your part, too. Come on. Let’s take your son on his first walk. Okay?”
The machines in the background continued their assault on my ears as I forced myself to walk out of the operating room.
Forty-five minutes. That’s how long I’d been sitting in our room with our son on my bare chest, waiting for some news about Violet. And yet, no update came. A nurse brought me a small bottle with formula, but I didn’t dare bring it to his lips.
Violet hadn’t told me what to do if she wasn’t here like this. I didn’t know if she would be okay with formula before she even had a chance to hold him. So it sat untouched on the table next to me. I’d ask the nurse what I should do if more time went by.
Our son’s soft little coos were barely above a whisper, but they melted me.
I ran my eyes over him for the millionth time.
He was perfect. Had my dark hair. Vi’s lips and her long, slender fingers.
I’d kissed every one. And when I set his hand back down, his fingers had walked across my skin until they rested over my violet tattoo.
I fucking lost it. Staring up at the ceiling, I begged every entity in the universe to save her.
“Colt.” Birdie walked into the room, her face blank.
“How is she? Do you have an update?”
“I don’t. I’m sorry. I wanted to come see how you’re doing. Your family is here… in the waiting room outside L and D.”
“I can’t see them right now. I can’t leave him.” I held the baby closer to my chest. “She was supposed to get to nurse him. That’s all she talked about. How important it was during the golden hour.”
“It is important, but it’s not the most important thing. There’s time. She’ll have that moment.”
“I can’t lose her, Birdie.” I felt my chin tremble as I tried to hold back the tears. “I just got her back. Our son just came into the world. I don’t want to have to say goodbye to her when we just said hello to him. He needs his mom. I-I…I need my wife.” The last word was nothing more than a sob.
Birdie’s hand rested on my shoulder.
“I’m going to call up for an update.” Fuck, I could hear the tears in her voice, too. “I’ll make them tell me something. Anything. Even if I have to march into the OR myself, okay?”
“Thank you. Do you w-want to see him?”
“I’ll see him once Vi is down here and has been able to enjoy his cuteness.”
I nodded. It was the most cruel situation I could think of that my wife and my son weren’t together in the first precious moments of his life.
That I was left to capture what I could for her.
My eyes drifted to my phone, propped against a box of tissues.
There were only a few minutes left of storage on my phone, but I would record every last minute of this that I could for her.
Maybe she’d never want to watch it. Maybe it would always be painful.
But I wanted her to be able to have the memories, too, even if they were through the lens of my phone.
Birdie was gone for a few minutes. In that time, I bundled the baby back up and paced around the room with him. He was still fast asleep when she returned.
“I was able to get an update.”
God, I could read her face. “Is she okay? Is she alive?”
“She’s alive.” Birdie nodded. “Violet had something called uterine atony. It’s where the uterus doesn’t start contracting down after birth, and it can cause a large amount of blood loss in a short amount of time.
Luckily, Dr. Witten caught it fast, and the steps we normally take in this kind of situation were successful.
They’ve been keeping an eye on everything, but it looks like she’s stabilized beautifully. ”
If my son hadn’t been in my arms I would have collapsed to the ground with relief. My head swam. Shit. I still might. “What does this mean for her recovery?”
“She’s in the ICU right now, and they’re going to monitor her closely for the next six to eight hours.
If she does well, and there’s not an imminent concern with her bleeding, they’ll likely give the okay for her to come back here for postpartum care.
She’ll need to stay a few extra days for monitoring. ”
“Can she see the baby now? What am I supposed to do? I can’t pick who I’m with…”
“Why don’t you let me take the baby to the nursery. I can stay with him for a while so you can see Vi. I’m not sure if she’ll be awake. If she is, she might be really confused, so just try to reassure her, okay?”
“Of course.”
Birdie held out her hands to me. I pressed a kiss to my son’s head and gently placed him in her arms.
“Hello, sweet boy. I’m your Aunt Birdie. We’re not officially meeting right now. No, we’re not. Oh, you are so handsome. Okay. We’re going to have a good time getting cuddles while Daddy goes to check on Mommy. And after you’ve had time with her, then we can officially meet. How does that sound?”
Birdie understood without me even having to say it. It was crushing me that Vi wasn’t here to have time with him before other people cradled him in their arms. I slipped my shirt back on.
“Come out to the nurses’ station. I’ll have someone walk up to the ICU with you.”