Chapter 43
Colt
Three weeks later…
I heard Violet before I saw her; sleep rumpled and stretching as she came around the corner into the kitchen.
“Morning, darlin’.” I smiled as I adjusted Connor in my arms. “How did you sleep?”
The nightmares hadn’t quite left her yet—Ryan, prowling in the night, taking her away from our family—but every time they came, I quickly wrapped her up in my arms and kissed away the last tendrils of the fear that tried to swallow her whole.
“Sleep was pretty great. I had a mild heart attack when you both weren’t in the room with me when I woke up, though.” A book landed softly on the table in front of me.
“Sorry,” I winced, “I thought I might be able to sneak down here and let you get some actually restful sleep.”
“I’m fine. You let me sleep in yesterday, too.” She leaned down and kissed me while my hand rested on our son’s chest.
“I thought maybe this morning you’d want to talk over wedding details.” I wasn’t trying to push. But officially making Violet mine was the last piece of protection I could put in place for her.
“Really chomping at the bit, aren’t you?” she asked as she took a sip from my coffee cup.
“It’s important to me,” I admitted. “Connor and I have the same last name. It’s important to me that you do, too.
” My eyes dropped to the book she was nervously tapping her fingers on.
It wasn’t her usual style of cover, rather a leather one with deep ridges that formed what looked like an abstract ocean wave.
“What’s that?”
“Oh,” she smiled, “just a little gift for you.”
“For me? What is it?”
Violet slid the book closer to me, but kept her hand in place so I couldn’t open it.
“This is everything, Colt. Everything from the years we were apart. I want to start with a fresh slate, and I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. These are my memories, but I want them to be yours, too. Before I give you it, can I have your phone?”
“Of course you can.” My brows pulled together. “Why?”
“I think, while you take some time to read through this, I’d like to watch the video of you bonding with our son while I was in the ICU. I’d like to put those memories in my heart.”
I typed Vi’s birthday into my phone—yes, that was my lock code—and pulled up the video.
“Hand Connor over. I think I’m going to need to snuggle him as I watch this,” she said.
Violet’s arms were steady as she cradled Connor to her chest. She gave me a quick kiss before disappearing back upstairs.
A minute later, I sat out on the back porch, the cold bite to the wind a welcome contrast to the way the direct sunlight was making me squint. My ass was firmly planted in the spot Vi spent so much time in all those years ago. The place I sat in when I was missing her over the years.
I held the book in my hands, contemplating if I was strong enough to read what I knew was going to be Vi’s heart poured out onto paper. But she’d given it to me for a reason, and I wanted to honor that.
I flipped through the front, and the dates at the top of the pages made me gasp. Letters to me, starting from the night before our divorce was finalized.
Colt,
Tomorrow is a day I’ve been dreading since the words first fell out of my mouth.
I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to go.
But I know I have to, for you to have a chance at happiness.
Your eyes used to light up every time you saw me walk into the same room.
But now, they are just filled with worry.
And I can’t keep doing that to you. Making you worry.
Making you hold me while I break down. While I hurt.
And scream. And try to find a reason to be here anymore.
I’m not who I was when we got married. I’m a shell of that woman.
Of the person you fell in love with. And I hate that for you.
You deserve so much more. I don’t want to let you go, but I’m going to.
Please let me. Fall in love again. Have babies.
Let laughter and joy back into your life.
I can’t give that to you, but I can give you the chance at it with someone else.
My vision blurred and I swallowed past the pain in my throat. Goddammit, Vi. I should have seen what she was doing. I should have known…
Turning a few pages, I saw another date I recognized. Her mother’s funeral.
Colt,
You were there today. Like an answer to my prayers.
How many times over the last few months have I cried myself to sleep whispering your name?
And you were there. Like you heard and had to come to me.
Because you knew I was hurting. I’m so grateful for that.
For you. I don’t think I would have been able to get through today without you being there.
And I need you to know, if only on this piece of paper and never in any other capacity, that I still love you.
So completely. With every fiber of my being.
I want to come home. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up early enough to send you off to work with lunch and a kiss, like we did before. I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anyone in my life.
I’m leaving for New York next week, and something in my heart is screaming at me to just go back to Silver Springs instead.
Because what if I was strong enough to admit that this was all a mistake?
And then I realize that’s just being strong for something I want.
I’m selfish. And you don’t deserve that.
Fuck! I should have stayed. I should have been able to hear her say all of that to my face, because I would have set the record straight so fucking fast. A splash hit the page, smudging some of the ink.
I looked up at the sky, brilliantly blue with not a cloud to be seen.
I wiped my face, realizing my own tears were the culprit.
A red ribbon caught my attention. I flipped past nearly the entire middle part of the book. I would go back. I would devour and commit to memory every single word she wrote to me over the years. But I knew Violet. She’d flagged this part for a reason.
Colt,
I’m going to do it. One last chance to become a mom.
And I’m using our embryo. I don’t even know if you remember that it’s in storage, or if you even care at this point.
But it felt weird to not tell you. God, I’m so hopeful.
Hopeful that it will work. That by some miracle, this baby will be the one to stay.
And I’m so sorry that I can’t tell you I’m doing this.
I just can’t risk breaking your heart again.
I want so badly for you to be there. Helping me with the God awful injections.
Holding my hand when the embryo is placed in my womb. I know I don’t deserve that…
I scanned through the entries, my hands shaking even though I knew what was coming.
Colt,
I’m pregnant! I can’t believe it…
Colt,
I made it to thirteen weeks! I’m sitting here sobbing just praying for viability now…
Colt,
I felt him move…
Colt,
I made it to twenty-four weeks. He’s viable. We finally made it to viability…
Colt,
I have a reader who’s being weird. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy that is making me feel so anxious about it, but things are starting to escalate and I’m afraid…
Colt,
I’m coming back to Silver Springs and I’m scared you’re going to hate me forever for not telling you about the baby sooner. I couldn’t. But he’s almost here and I know you’ll keep him safe. If I can’t. If something happens. You’ll keep our son safe.
Colt,
I haven’t written in here since the day I left New York. But I want you to know…The baby’s here. He was born, and you were there. You held our son before I did. You’re holding our son right now in your arms, and I can’t look away because I’m scared this is just a dream…
I couldn’t continue. I was crying so hard that I had to close my eyes and take deep, gasping breaths. Feeling her grapple with the weight of every decision, knowing the depth that she struggled going back and forth on when it was safe to tell me about the baby, my heart broke for her.
I would come back to the book. I would read everything in detail. But right now, I needed to hold my wife.
I walked into the house, struck by the silence. I couldn’t remember the last time it was quiet during the day. And I loved that. Because Violet and Connor made this house a home.
At the top of the stairs, I heard the water running, and my heart dropped. As soon as I walked into the bedroom, I could see a huddled figure sitting in the shower.
I checked on Connor, fast asleep in the bassinet by our bed, cheeks rosy and all snuggled in a swaddle. My clothes came off, left in a pile by my dresser. I’d deal with them later. Vi was most important right now.
Her cries were muffled, but I could still hear them. Fuck.
Steam billowed out as I opened the shower door, trying to make enough noise not to scare her, but gentle enough that she would feel safe telling me what was going on.
“Vi?” I sat down on the tile floor, my legs bracketing her hips. Her only response was more tears.
“Violet. What’s wrong? Are you upset about the video? Hey, talk to me.”
She twisted, sitting up on her knees, her arms flying around my neck. The momentum nearly bowled me over, but I caught her and steadied us both before I toppled over.
“I love you so much. I’m so sorry you thought I was going to leave you again after he was born. I had no control over that but I promise, nothing—nothing—could ever make me leave. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“I’m ready, Colt.”
“Ready?”
She nodded. “To be married…Again.”