Chapter Two
Kiss
Darkness soaked the room. I’d fallen asleep next to Blue, but I had no idea how long we’d been in the empty trailer. I only knew I’d need another hit soon. I was already feeling sick. Six weeks and I was right back in this shit.
When the crash came, sometimes it felt like a train slamming into me.
Chills broke along my flesh, and pain ripped through my belly. My bones ached, my muscles burned, and even my brain hurt. Saliva built in the back of my throat, yet my mouth tasted like ass, and my tongue felt like sandpaper.
Blue was still asleep a couple feet away from me. Last night, he’d watched me. I’d felt his hands on me, his fingertips soft. But he acted as if even the slightest touch from him didn’t alter my perception of reality. In the last few months, he’d become my axis, but no matter how much I wanted to be different, I was constantly spinning out of control. Crazy and chaos. Wreck, ruin, and repeat.
I put my hand to my throat, remembering the feel of him gently stroking my flesh, making sure I was still breathing. Call it an unlucky night, because yep, I was still here. Next time, I’d get a little closer to the light, light that would probably take me to hell for the things I’d done rather than heaven. One day, I’d get close enough and brave enough to walk into it.
Next time. Always fucking next time. I wanted to scream but taking a breath was torture.
Sweat trickled along my spine, and I could feel a torrent of blood rushing through my veins. In the minutes before I became dope sick, I’d feel feral, like a rabid animal because I wanted more. What they said about junkies was true. Nothing meant more than the high, especially when coming down.
Sam was still in the other room. Maybe I could ween myself off if I just took enough to keep me from getting sick. I wouldn’t have to get high.
Swallowing the extra spit in my mouth nearly made me puke. Nausea churned in my gut. I didn’t want to use, but I didn’t want to hurt.
Blue wouldn’t understand. He’d never had to fight mental demons. He didn’t understand how bad it hurt to crash. No one started out believing they’d become a junkie. No one claimed that first hit was the best day of their life.
But the needle had become my best friend, my only friend until Blue. I had three months and seventeen days clean. Three fucking months.
If I could go back six weeks I would. I never would’ve sent that text to Blue. I’d been scared and alone. Men had broken into Indulgence.
I’d thought of slipping out the window. But they’d been too close, and eventually, they’d found me.
I didn’t know…
I didn’t know they were killers.
I didn’t know they wanted Bullet.
I didn’t know I’d almost lose Blue .
He didn’t have a chance to defend himself, and it was my fault. If I’d just run, I never would have seen him hurt. I never would have witnessed those men beat the fuck out of him.
Everything good in my life turned to shit, so why try?
Blue groaned. One arm rested across his stomach, and the other draped over his head. He was so beautiful, and he was built like a god.
I hadn’t touched enough of his body, but he was fit as hell. He had the longest, darkest lashes of any guy I’d ever met. Strong shoulders tapered to a trim waist. He was lean muscles and oozed fuck boy vibes. Only he wasn’t.
I’d asked him if he’d gotten his road name because of his piercing blue eyes. He’d laughed and told me why the Hellers called him Blue.
But if he’d just needed to get his dick wet, he could’ve fucked one of Bullet’s girls.
He could’ve fucked me. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t given off the signals. My name was Shae, but they called me Kiss for a reason. Flirting wasn’t my problem. I didn’t do anything just a little. Not drugs, not men, not fucking up. All in, all the time.
But Blue had made his interest clear or rather his lack of interest. Friendzone only. Every time I touched him, he pulled away. I understood. Not that I expected more. No one wanted a junkie for a girlfriend. He was still the only good thing in my life, but I was toxic to his.
Given enough time, he’d either get tired of me or I’d end up poisoning him. I was always in too deep. It was better if I drowned alone.
Another wave of nausea rushed through me. I curled into a ball and wrapped my arms around my knees, but I couldn’t fight the fear slipping like venom in my veins.
Dope sick was a terrible feeling. How bad would it get this time? I didn’t want Blue to see me going through withdrawals.
Staying on my hands and knees, I quietly crawled my way to the bedroom across the hall. A soft glow from the neighbor’s trailer filtered through the blinds. Cruz and Kane slept along the edge of the wall, and Sam was just inside the open closet door.
Carpet abraded my knees. My body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as I forced myself to move toward him. My fingers trembled as I rested my hand on his shoulder. I leaned closer, but I was afraid to speak.
His eyes slowly opened, and then snapped wide as he shifted his gaze behind me. I held my finger to my lips. He nodded. I inched back, and he pointed to the hall.
Soundlessly, I stood, and he followed me. Once in the hall, he opened the bathroom door.
As soon as the door quietly clicked shut, Sam twisted the lock. Then he turned to me. “Who the fuck is he to you?”
Sam had been violent to me before, but I never fought back. I’d always been desperate to please him. He had what I needed, and I didn’t have money to pay for it. “He’s just a friend.”
“A fuck friend? Because I know you. Maybe you used to be a club princess, but you sold your crown for smack.”
My dad had been an original member of the Heller Raiders, but I’d never felt like a club princess. Not the way Jazzy and Levi fit in with the group. I had Romeo. Although, he never really had time for me unless we were getting high on weed and fucking. I knew I was easy and convenient, but at least when I was with him, I felt like part of the crew. We used each other and hurt others. We both hurt Levi.
“I’m not part of the MC anymore. Blue is a friend.”
“Another hookup? Was Tinder-ella out looking for plugs?”
Even if I wanted to find a source on the dating app, I didn’t have a phone anymore. “No.”
“Have you fucked him?”
I flinched from the cutting edge of his voice. “No.”
Although, I’d dreamed about Blue so many times that the whispered word felt like a lie. He was much more than a friend, but he’d never be mine, not the way I imagined when I had been fighting my demons every day to stay clean.
I was dirty and so tired of fighting. After Blue was hurt, I didn’t want to fight anymore.
“Don’t fucking lie to me.”
I tried to focus on Sam, but my vision swam with tears. “I’m not,” I whispered, reminding him we needed to be quiet.
He closed the space between us, wrapped his hand around my throat, and backed me against the linen closet. “You’re my whore, Kiss.”
“Blue doesn’t want me like that.” My nails dug into his wrist as I tried to break his hold. “I promise.”
Although my promises were worthless. I’d broken every one I’d ever made. I’d promised my dad I’d never be a junkie like my mother. But he had broken his promise to me. He said he’d always be there. He promised not to leave me. And then he died.
“You owe me,” Sam said .
“I know.” And now, I’d owe him even more. “I’m sick.”
“Your tears make me hard.” He leaned in and licked a tear from my face. I nearly gagged with the stench of his warm breath. “I’m sick of your shit, Kiss. If you want me to take care of you, then you need to do something for me. Get on your knees.”
“Please, I just need a little.”
“Prove you’re a dirty fucking whore who sucks dick for smack.”
I couldn’t. He forced me to my knees, unzipped his jeans, and shoved his cock into my face. My gut contracted, and the taste of bile crawled into my throat. I lifted my gaze to his. This was me. On my knees, begging for a shot. Sucking his cock wasn’t the worse thing I’d done for black.
My gut contracted. I spun toward the toilet and heaved.
“You’re a pain in the ass.”
“I’m sorry. I told you. I’m sick. Do you want me to puke on your dick?”
He reached into his pocket and fished out a small balloon. “I left my kit in Kane’s trailer. Do you have a needle?”
Tears filled my eyes. “I have one in my backpack.”
“Stay here. I’ll get it.”
Sam slipped out of the room, and I slid to the floor. Once I had a tiny hit, I wouldn’t be sick. Then I could figure out what to do. I couldn’t run from Blue. Not again. I didn’t realize how badly I ached to see him.
I just wish he hadn’t seen me high. I couldn’t let him see me like this, not dope sick.
Sweat slicked my skin, and my veins itched. I hated this. I hated what I’d become. I’d promised myself not to get in deep again. I convinced myself I could just use it occasionally when shit got bad. But I was a liar, even to myself. One shot always led to another.
The door opened and quietly clicked closed. Sam unzipped the top of my backpack and dug through my things until he found my plastic pencil case.
As he set up the spoon, tendrils of fear unfurled within me. Why was I here? Why couldn’t I stop this?
He melted a small amount of heroin in water. The mixture bubbled, and my anxiety overflowed. Violent tremors jolted through me. Pressure clamped down hard on my gut, and I hurled into the toilet again.
I didn’t want to do this.
“This is the only needle.” Sam filled the syringe. “We’ll need to share.”
Sam held my hand and turned my arm, looking for a vein. In the last six weeks, I hadn’t undone my months of being clean. I still had veins. But I was fucking falling deeper into my addiction again.
Blue was right. I had to decide if I wanted to live or die.
Death had to be better than this.
Maybe, this time, I’d finally find the light.
“Sam, please.” I didn’t know what I begged for anymore. Heroin shackled me to my addiction. But maybe it could set me free.
I closed my eyes, a tear slipped onto my cheek, and the needle pricked my arm. I used to love to watch the plunger, the pull back, the bit of blood mixing with the shot inside the barrel, and then the slip of warmth. Now, I just didn’t want to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to feel anything.
Ten seconds later, I didn’t .
My mind numbed, and inside, I melted into a dark and heavy intoxication. This was drowning in blackness. My heart darkened, and my soul slowly died.
“Kiss!” The bathroom door rattled on its hinges.
“It’s Blue,” I whispered to Sam. He’d know what I’d done. My breath came in sharp exhales and fear-laced inhales.
“No, shit. He’s your fucking problem. Not mine.” Sam tied off a tourniquet on his arm. “Get rid of him.”
The barrel of the needle was still full. I remember when I’d have been angry that he’d reserved most of the shot for himself.
“Open the fucking door.” Blue banged again. Before I could react, the wood splintered, and the door crashed against the wall.
Cruz was right behind him.
“I warned you.” Blue’s knee slammed into Sam, crashing him to the bathroom floor. With a hard thrust, he kicked Sam in the side, kicked in his ribs, and kicked his gut. Curses and spittle flew from his mouth.
Cruz yanked Blue back before he could stomp on Sam’s head. “Not like this.” He pushed Blue toward me. “Take care of Kiss.”
“You won’t give her what she wants,” Sam said, curling on his side to protect his ribs. “But she’ll suck your dick for a hit.”
Time seemed to slow. Blue was suddenly all I could see, leaning over me, suffocating the air around me with his anger. His gaze flickered from me to the needle on the counter. A tinge of my blood stained the liquid inside.
“This is what you want.” His voice was low and barely controlled. His beautiful blue eyes pierced mine. “You like to suck guys off for a high.” He ripped his belt from his jeans. “It must feel fucking amazing.” He strapped the belt around his arm. “Do you want to give me my wings?”
He’d want me to shoot him up for the first time? My brain tried to process his words.
“I’m sick of feeling like shit, too. Sick of the fucked up thoughts in my head.” He pumped his fist. Veins plumped and swelled in his arm. “You think you’re the only one with demons? Black makes everything better, right? Maybe it can fix me.”
Understanding finally seeped into my muddled thoughts. I scrambled onto my knees. “Stop.”
“Get the fuck out if you don’t want to watch.” He pushed me aside. “Take her,” he said to Cruz. Without looking at me, he grabbed the needle.
“No. Blue don’t.” I grabbed onto his arm, digging my nails into his flesh to loosen the belt. “Stop,” I pleaded. “You don’t want this.”
“You think I don’t want to escape my fucking problems? I promise, you don’t have shit on me when it comes to being fucked up.” He tapped his temple. “I want out of here, Kiss. I’m fucking done.”
Blue shoved me toward Cruz. “Get her out of here!”
Cruz gripped my arms and dragged me through the door. I kicked and bucked to break his hold. “Don’t, Blue, please.”
His eyes met mine. “How does it feel, Kiss? You get to see me fucked up.”
“I can’t.” I hiccupped on a sob. “I care about you so much. Please don’t do this.” I swallowed the regrets tasting bitter on my tongue. To see him high on heroin would destroy me .
“Yeah, it sucks to care. But I give zero fucks what you want.” He turned away from me and the needle slid into his arm.
A scream ripped from my lungs, and I crashed to my knees. “I’m sorry.”
Oh god. Was this how he felt to see me high? Pain bled through my veins. The hollow space where my heart was supposed to beat became a dark cavernous hole.
I’d done this. With a needle to my arm, I’d murdered the little I had left inside me. The piece that Blue had cared about. The only piece that didn’t want to be a junkie.
Cruz pulled me into the hall and dropped me to the ground.
“Stop him.” Tears soaked my face. “Please.”
“Keep her away from the door,” Cruz said to Kane and then went back into the bathroom.
Kane led me into the bedroom. “He doesn’t have a gun to his head. It’s his choice. You know how it is, Kiss.”
“No, he’s angry.” If he wanted to hurt me the way I’d hurt him, he had. I sagged to the ground, wanting to die, wanting to turn back the clock.
One hit and I’d been lost. Black became my best friend. For a while, black made me feel good. Blue was feeling the first rush of warmth, the smooth slide into nirvana, and the intense pleasure. But then he would meet the dragon, and he’d fight a war he’d never win because he’d never feel this good again.
He would never stop chasing the high. Nothing else would be good enough .
More tears filled my eyes. Blue couldn’t keep me clean, but I couldn’t let him fall with me. “I have to talk to him.”
I should be nodding off, slipping into the high of heroin, but adrenaline blazed through me. I stood and took two steps toward the door.
“No,” Kane said. “You don’t want in there.”
“I need to take care of him. One time doesn’t have to destroy his life. He hates me now. But I’m not going to let him become what I am.”
Kane released me. I stumbled across the hall. The door barely hung on the hinges as I pushed it open. The light on Cruz’s phone illuminated the small room.
Blue snapped his gaze to me. Cruz stepped in front of me and tried to block my view.
“I need Blue,” I said.
“Get out, Kiss.” Blue combed his fingers through his hair.
Something wasn’t right. Sam slumped in the tub. His eyes were closed, and his body jerked. A needle protruded from his arm.
“What happened?” I asked.
A bottle of bathroom cleaner sat on counter next to my spoon, Sam’s lighter, and open balloons of black.
Blue picked up my backpack and handed it to Cruz. “Make sure we don’t leave anything behind.”
“What happened?” I asked again as Blue forced me out of the room by crowding into me.
“You’ll need to find a new dealer,” he said.
As soon as we were in the hall, he walked away from me toward the living room. I followed. He peeled back the curtains and peered out to the street.
Blue wasn’t nodding or foggy. He wasn’t high, but I’d seen him push the needle into his arm .
“Blue.” I gripped his cut. “What happened in there?”
He shrugged me off and stared over my shoulder at Kane. “The streets are quiet. I think we’re in the clear. Cruz and I can get to our bikes. What are you going to do?”
“Fuck, dude, I don’t know. Cops aren’t going to stay away. I wish I knew for sure they weren’t looking for me. I’ll text my sister to pick me up. Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.” He pulled out his phone.
“Cruz said you’re a friend,” Blue said. “If you want to keep it that way, keep your mouth shut.”
“I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t cross Hellers.”
Cruz came into the room and gave a slight nod to Blue. “We can go.”
Kane paused in his texting. “Can you drop me off at the gas station? I don’t want Hayley pulling up to my place?”
“I can,” Blue said and peered out the window again. “We should go now while it’s still dark enough to give us some cover.”
They spoke as if I wasn’t in the room. They spoke as if they were going to leave me here. They spoke as if I hadn’t seen Blue shoot up or hadn’t seen my dealer dying in the bathtub. My guess was that he was dead now—because of me—because I had asked him to get me high.
“Blue,” I snapped.
“What?” He pulled his bike keys from his cut.
“Are you going to leave me here?”
“You can do whatever the fuck you want. You do anyway. You’ll need a new source. Your current dealer isn’t going to be able to collect on your debt. He just OD’d. ”
Cruz chuckled. “I guess I won’t collect on that favor he owed me either.”
“OD’d on what?” I asked because there was bathroom cleaner on the counter, and Blue had injected the rest of what was in the barrel. Or had he? He wasn’t high.
He closed the space between us. In the darkness of the trailer, his eyes still glowed bright blue. I wanted to lean into him, to beg him to hold me. I wanted to steep in the scent of him. Leather and the hint of his cologne. I could smell the sweat on his skin.
“I warned him what would happen if he put another needle in your arm.” His breath was warm on my face.
“You killed him.” I should feel something for Sam, but I couldn’t. I’d been too scared for Blue. I was confused, yet so relieved he wasn’t high.
“I guess I didn’t want to believe you’d choose heroin over me.” He touched my cheek, then his hand dropped away. “But all you need is a needle. You’ll have to pull it out of Sam’s arm. He had a few more balloons in his pocket. I guess you decided you’d rather die. If you want to do something for me, make it quick, and shoot it all at once. You’re dope sick, and I’m sick of giving a fuck about you.”
Kane waited by the door with Cruz. Blue joined them.
“Let’s go.” The door swung open, and he walked out.
Pain ripped through my chest, my nostrils flared, and I couldn’t breathe. A cyclone of panic coiled within me. Every thread had frayed. Every dream had become a nightmare. Black was the lover I couldn’t quit. My best friend. When everything hurt, black took it all away. I’d lost everything to it. I hated sober me. High me didn’t care about anything or anyone.
Tears burned in the back of my throat.
Nothing was more important than Blue. I rushed across the room, threw open the door, and ran down the steps. “Wait!”
Blue stopped in the yard and spun in my direction.
“Don’t go.” I licked my lips and crossed my arms over my chest. “Will you please talk to me?” Would he walk away? I wouldn’t blame him if he did. I wouldn’t want me either.
“I’ll catch up with you later at the MC,” he said to Cruz.
Kane bumped his fist against Blue’s then Blue crossed the yard back to me. He pointed to the porch.
I sat on the top step and leaned against the trailer. Blue sat on the bottom step, facing me, with his back against the porch railing.
For a moment, we just sat in silence. A motorcycle rumbled in the distance. And then I knew we were alone.
“I guess you’re waiting for me to say something.” I rubbed my hands on my thighs then wrapped my arms around my shins.
“You said you wanted to talk.”
I breathed in a deep inhale and slowly released it. Now that I had the chance to tell him how I felt, I didn’t know what to say.
“Out with whatever you want to say.” His voice softened. “I’m listening, Kiss.”
“I couldn’t believe you were going to shoot up.” I couldn’t look at him. “Why would you want to be like me? ”
“I don’t.” He stretched out his long legs. “You think I’d stick that shit in my veins? I care about you, but I’m not going to fuck my life up for you.”
But he’d risked his life tonight. My dealer was dead in the bathtub because I’d asked him to keep me from getting sick.
“I saw the needle go into your arm.”
“You were high.”
“I know. But I don’t understand what happened.”
He lifted his head, and those eyes pierced my soul. “There was nothing left in the barrel. I barely poked the skin. The only thing I risked is hepatitis C because you’re sharing fucking needles.”
“They test me at the needle exchange center. Sam was going to use my needle tonight, but I’ve never used his.”
“You just suck his dick.”
My brows furrowed. “You can’t understand what it’s like.”
Blue growled and leaned his head back. “You’re right. I don’t because I deal with my shit.”
Neither of us spoke for a minute. “You scared me, and I didn’t know how to stop you.”
“I know the feeling.” His reply landed with the force he intended. I did this to him every time we separated. Typical Kiss collateral damage. The last six weeks hadn’t been hard for me. I’d escaped any emotions by getting high.
This time was different. I hurt Blue. “Is that why you did it?”
He stared up at the sky. “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe because I wanted to piss you off. Being your friend hasn’t been enough.” He picked up a pebble and tossed it into the street. “I wanted you to care about something besides getting high. I can’t watch you kill yourself, but I know I can’t stay away from you either.”
“You’re the only friend I have.” I wanted so much more. I wanted him to put his arms around me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, to taste his mouth, and I wanted him to fill this emptiness inside me. “I’m not clean, but I’m not high. I didn’t want you to see me going through withdrawals. If I don’t take a small hit, I’m dope sick. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
Mollified by my confession, the tension seemed to leave his shoulders. “You don’t have to hide from me. I’d rather see you sick than sticking a needle in your arm. You need help.”
“I can quit.” Tears filled my eyes. “I’m scared.” I covered my face with my hands. My body trembled as if my mind knew better than I the hell I was going to go through. “Don’t leave me here.”
“Ah, baby.” And then he was there, pulling me to my feet and banding his arms around me. I clung to him, burrowing into his warmth. His T-shirt was soft, and his chest was hard against my cheek. “I wouldn’t have left you.”
Not the way I’d left him when he needed me. “I’m sorry,” I choked on a sob. “I’m sorry I left you at the MC. I’m sorry I couldn’t handle being there.” I couldn’t handle seeing him hurt.
His fingers sank into my hair, and his lips pressed against my forehead. “You need to go back to rehab.”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t work. I can quit, though. I promise. I can do it on my own.” I canted my face toward his. “If you stay with me.”
“You need to medically detox. Let’s go talk to Willow. ”
I braced my hands on his chest as anxiety fired through my blood. “I can’t. Please, Blue. I know how I sound, but I can’t go to Levi’s mom for help. I don’t want anyone to know that I fucked up again. I just need you. We can stay at your place.”
“My place is Blade’s room at the MC. I lost my apartment when I lost my job.” He took a step back from me. “Listen, I know you’ve got issues with Levi. But you need someone stronger than me to get you through this.”
“I can’t.”
“Jesus.” He held me again. “What the fuck, Kiss? Levi was your best friend.”
“I know. And I know you’re right. Willow would help, but I’ve hurt Levi so many times.” My face pinched as a fresh wash of tears slipped onto my cheeks. “I gotta get clean first.”
“We can’t stay here,” Blue said. “Get your backpack.”
I hurried into the trailer, grabbed it off the floor, swung it onto my back, and rejoined Blue on the porch.
“What about Sam?” I asked.
“Fuck Sam.”
We quietly made our way to Blue’s bike. He straddled the seat and held the bike while I climbed on.
“Where are we going?” he asked.
I couldn’t go back to the MC, not like this. Some of my best memories were with Levi, Romeo, and the group. But I’d done some sick shit in the MC, too. I wasn’t ready to face all that, not yet. But there was one person I could trust. My heart rabbited when I thought of facing her. She had a way of seeing through my lies.
But if I wanted to get clean, I’d need her. “Take me to Jazzy.”