Chapter Five
Kiss
During the night, whispers sounded from the far side of the darkened room. I held still, pretending to be asleep, straining to hear Jazzy and Rogue.
“Blue never came back to the shop.” Rogue sighed. “I’m not going to lose him to a junkie.”
“And I’m not going to lose Kiss to heroin,” she whispered harshly. “So, what do we do? Do we try to keep them apart?”
“Are they together?” Rogue asked. “Is he finally getting his dick wet with Kiss?
“I don’t know. She says nothing happened between them, but I don’t believe her. Something happened because we know Blue. He doesn’t fight.”
I hated that she couldn’t trust me, but she was right to be skeptical. Manipulating to get what I wanted came easy for me. I wanted to change. I was trying.
“He has a gift for finding trouble.”
Jazzy laughed. “Because he’s a Heller. Trouble finds him.”
“Trouble found him, and she’s asleep on the couch.” Rogue growled. “The kid is killing me. He’s smart but has shit for common sense. He’s making mistakes and taking unnecessary risks. If he doesn’t get himself killed, he’s going to find himself locked up. ”
“Then you need to stay close to him,” Jazzy said. “Kiss needs time. She can’t depend on Blue to keep her clean, and Blue…” She paused for two beats of my heart.
Blue what? With her lowered voice, I couldn’t hear the rest of her mumbled words.
“Between the shop and the studio, I’ll keep Blue busy.” Rogue’s gravelly voice lowered. “You owe me, princess.”
“How do you want to collect?” Fabric rustled, and the squelch of mouths coming together sounded in the room.
Oh hell. I loved Jazzy, but if she fucked Rogue while I was in the room, I’d definitely need more than a Tylenol PM. Not that I’d want to do black. I mean, I wanted black, but I wanted Blue more. Even if I could only be his friend.
Actually, no, I’d rather listen to Rogue fuck Jazzy than know Blue was with someone besides me.
Soft moans followed breathy pants. I held still, but my heart raced. The kissing continued. Rogue groaned, and Jazzy hissed. More sounds of two people desperate to touch each other. My breaths matched hers. Faster. Shallow.
I imagined Blue next to me, whispering the filthy words I ached to hear.
“You’re soaking my hand.” Rogue’s words tightened my nipples.
“Because I need you to fuck me.”
“That’s it, baby. Bite me. Hold on.”
A flood of heat coursed through me, burning through my nipples, sizzling along my spine, and pooling in my pussy. Footsteps shuffled across the room, and a door closed. I opened my eyes and leaned up on my elbow. A sliver of light from inside the bathroom cut the darkness.
Rolling over, I pulled the blanket to my head. I pretended I couldn’t hear Rogue’s muffled words or Jazzy’s gasps of pleasure. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t wish I was her. Only I’d be with Blue, and he’d be desperate to be inside me.
I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted what Jazzy had. I wanted…
I wanted to get high.
Saliva pooled in my mouth, making me gag, and causing my jaw to clench. Bitterness crawled up my throat and coated my tongue. This was my lover’s touch. Dark and dirty. Raw and needy. Black would take me back.
Tears filled my eyes. I was so tired of crying. Crying because I didn’t want to use. Crying when I didn’t have money for heroin. Crying because my life was a mess.
I balled my hands into fists and burrowed them beneath the blanket. The craving would pass. Breathe in. Exhale out. I’d done this before, and everything was temporary. The high, the comedown, and the fucking need for more.
Sweat beaded on my brow, and my heart felt as if it slammed against my ribs. Every beat hurt as blood rushed through my veins.
I curled into a ball, squeezed my eyes closed, and simply breathed. Inhale. Exhale.
Counting to ten, I anchored to the moment. I focused, slowed my breaths, then counted to twenty. I had a conversation in my head. I made a list of all I’d lose if I gave in to my addiction. I only needed to remember I’d lose Blue .
When I’d been in the wilderness treatment center, the councilors had given me coping skills. Stay present in the craving and accept that it would pass. Never give up my power. But I couldn’t go for a run here. I’d run until I found a source. There weren’t horses waiting for an apple, but there was the back of a Harley.
But I promised Jazzy. She made the rules, and Blue didn’t speak my love language. I needed physical touch. And I wanted to be what he needed.
The bathroom door opened, and light spilled into the room.
“Get some sleep,” Rogue whispered to Jazzy, and then he crossed the room and slipped out into the night.
The bathroom light switched off, the bedding rustled, and just like a Heller after sex, she went to sleep. Less than five minutes later, her soft snores echoed through the room. I sat up on the couch. Once I came, I felt like I could run a marathon. I wanted a snack, conversation, and a hit of something.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had an orgasm. Blue thought I’d slept with Sam for black, but I hadn’t. That I’d sucked his dick was vile enough. I’d hated it, but I’d done worse. That was the worst part of addiction. Getting clean meant getting clarity. I hated who I’d been. High Kiss didn’t care.
Now that Rogue had left and Jazzy slept, I reached to the table, grabbed my new phone, and clutched it in my hand. I couldn’t see Blue, but I couldn’t be apart from him either.
Kiss: Are you asleep?
Would texting wake him up?
My phone vibrated. I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d turned off the ringer because I didn’t want to wake up Jazzy .
Blue: I’m here.
Kiss: Here, as in you’re awake, or here, that you’re next door?
Blue: Both.
Dots appeared. Then disappeared. Then reappeared again. Finally, a text popped through.
Blue: I’m sorry about today.
I snuggled into the couch and replied.
Kiss: Me, too.
I wanted to text that I missed him and that I wanted to see him but didn’t want to make our friendship any more awkward.
Blue: I miss you. I want to see you.
Relief flooded through me and filled my eyes with tears.
Kiss: Me, too.
I wiped wetness from my cheeks and eyes so I could see the screen and the buttons to push on the phone.
Blue: I can’t come up. Meet me at the bottom of the stairs?
I chewed my lip and listened to Jazzy’s light snores. Even if she woke up and found me gone, I wasn’t technically breaking her rules. I didn’t trust myself to leave, either. I’d stay on the stairs.
Kiss: Okay.
With the blanket still wrapped around me, I slid off the couch, tiptoed to the door, and quietly turned the doorknob. The first step out of the apartment, and the security light flipped on. I hurried and closed the door.
As I came down the stairs, Blue walked out of the side entrance of the house. His shoulders slumped, and his gaze focused on the driveway. His straight brown hair flopped onto his face. Light from the street caught the sharp angle of his jaw and the fullness of his lips. He wasn’t smiling.
A loose T-shirt with a stretched neck draped his torso, and a pair of jeans hung on his hips. He lifted his head, and our gazes met. A storm of lust and need swirled inside me. He made me feel things I didn’t need drugs to hide. He made me feel seen.
“Hi.” I sat on the bottom step, and he sat next to me. The light at the top of the stairs automatically shut off. “We have to be quiet. Jazzy is asleep.”
Blue leaned forward and rested his elbows on the torn knees of his jeans. “Is she still pissed?”
“I don’t think so.” I was pretty sure Rogue fucked any attitude out of her. “What happened today?”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I feel like shit. Did she say anything after I left?”
I sighed and wrapped my arms around my shins. “Same as always. I don’t inspire a lot of trust in people. She doesn’t want me to use you as an excuse to get high.”
Silence stretched between us. I needed to make this right. I’d fallen hard for this man, but I could crush the butterflies in my belly. I had to because I couldn’t lose my best friend.
“I’m sorry, Blue.”
“I told you. What happened wasn’t your fault.”
“Because I didn’t punch the wall?” I released a breath and tried to calm the flutter in my chest. I didn’t do well with confrontation, and I did even worse with rejection. “It’s not fun to be me,” I whispered.
He leaned over and kissed my temple. “I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else.”
This was why he confused me. Obviously, I couldn’t tell the difference between platonic and passion. I’d never had a real boyfriend, and I’d kissed all my friends and fucked a lot of them.
I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I wish we could start over.”
“I know, right now, it feels like you’re starting over, but maybe you needed those experiences to finally decide you want to stay clean.”
I lifted my head, turned to him, and my brows pinched. “I’m talking about us.” I was determined to quit black. But I kept hurting Blue. “Can we just focus on the good parts of our friendship?” A nervous laugh slipped from my lips. Anything to cut the anxiety building inside me. “I’ll knock off the lingering come fuck me stares, and you won’t have to avoid touching me.”
Blue pivoted toward me. “I don’t avoid touching you.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to protect my feelings. I’m handling my shit .” I used his words to make light of the tension between us. “I know I can be clingy, especially because of how I feel about you.”
Blue stared into the night. His knee bounced, and his shoulders rolled.
Tears burned in my throat, but he wasn’t responding, so, I kept babbling.
“I don’t want us to be awkward. Maybe I’m making it worse by talking about it, but I hate how I’m feeling inside. I like you, but it’s okay that you don’t feel the same way about me. I don’t want to lose our friendship. I mean, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I know I don’t have a good track record when it comes to friends, but…” I gulped a breath. “Please say something.”
The moment stretched, and the silence suffocated. Finally, he dipped his head. “It isn’t you. ”
Oh, god. The it’s not you, it’s me speech . I didn’t need to hear it. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” I had to go before my tears made the situation unbearable. I stood.
Blue locked his fingers around my wrist. His thumb glided over my pulse point, sending a shiver over my flesh and coiling a twist of need in my belly.
“Don’t go.” His voice was only a whisper. His face tilted up, and his eyes spoke so much more than words ever could. I slowly sank next to him, and the blanket slipped from my shoulders. He tried to adjust it, but I took it from him and stretched it across his back to cover us both.
Blue took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “I don’t avoid touching you because I’m not interested.” His thumb gently rubbed along my knuckles.
I held still, barely breathing, as the night weaved around us. I waited for him to speak. His throat worked, his Adam’s apple bobbing, but he just held tight to my hand and stared into the distance.
I relaxed next to him, touching him from shoulder to thigh. Then I filled the silence because he hadn’t. “Did you know I’ve almost died three times? Actually, I’ve OD’d three times, and one of those times I did die because my heart stopped.” I glanced up at the stars. “You’d think that would be enough to keep me clean. Nothing was ever enough. I can justify my addiction. Shit mom, dead dad, bad choices. But they’re just excuses. When I started using, I finally felt like I belonged to something.”
Our hands flipped, and it was my turn to gently trace the cuts and abrasions on his hand from the punch to the wall .
“If you were to ask the crew, they’d say you belong at the MC with them,” Blue said.
The crew. Jazzy, Torch, Blade, Dozer, Levi…and Romeo. I had to lie to fit in, to be someone I hated. I had wanted to be tough like Jazzy and quiet yet beautiful like Levi, but I was just the girl who would kiss boys to make them like her.
“Every time I’ve gone back to the MC, I’ve relapsed. It sucks. All of my best memories are tangled up with the worst things I’ve ever done.”
Blue stared at our joined hands, but didn’t seem interested in talking so I continued.
“After the last time I overdosed in the clubhouse, my uncle cashed out some of his 401K and sent me to a wilderness rehab. I’m all he has left. Twenty-four hours after getting home, I relapsed. He said he never wanted to see me again. I was so high, I didn’t care.”
“I don’t talk to my family either.” His jaw continued to clench, and his eyes squinted to keep from tearing up. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”
My throat tightened, and my tongue thickened as fear surged through me. I didn’t want Blue to know the awful things I’d done. I didn’t want him to have more reasons to turn away from me.
But this felt like we were on the precipice of something life changing for both of us. And I trusted him. “It’s a long list, Blue.”
His hand tightened on mine again.
“I slept with Razor for black. I wish I could say he made me, but he didn’t. Once he caught me stealing from him.” Tears slipped onto my cheek. “He held me down in the boardroom while Elvis and Slims took turns on me. I was so high, I just laid there and let them. I didn’t fight back. I wouldn’t have because he was my source.”
“Jesus. Fuck.” He banded his arm around me, holding me close. I buried my face in his shirt and breathed in his strength. He wrapped the blanket around us and just held me.
After a moment, I pressed my hands to his chest to put a few inches between us. “There’s so much more. I’ll show you the ugliest parts of me.” And I’d hope he didn’t leave me. “I have secrets, Blue. If Jazzy, Blade, and the others find out, they’ll never forgive me.”
“We all have secrets.” He became quiet, but his mouth twisted into a hard line. “We’ve all done shit we aren’t proud of. I don’t care about your past. I’ll never betray you, Kiss.” His lips pressed against my forehead. “I won’t hurt you.”
I spoke, but I couldn’t believe the words were coming from my mouth. I’d done horrible things for drugs. I had to face the things I’d done, even if Blue was the only one I ever told.
“I stole from Romeo, both weed and money. I’ve lied to Levi.” I lowered my head. “But the worst thing I’ve ever done is betray the Hellers.” I choked on the words. Even the memory of those days still filled me with fear.
I continued, “I’d hit a party at Kane’s and met a Crawler. He took me to Wrench. At first, I just wanted to party, but they had other ideas. Wrench wanted information on the Hellers. I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. But it proved I wasn’t lying to him.” My heart pounded as I remembered how deep I’d been. I hated myself for betraying my friends. “I didn’t care if I lived or died, but Wrench could keep me high.”
Did I tell him the rest? Did I tell him that Bullet knew I’d been with the Crawlers, but he couldn’t have known about my betrayal, or he never would’ve let Blue near me.
“I knew they were enemies. But Razor was dead, so I thought it was just talk. Wrench hated the Hellers. I didn’t know he and the Crawlers would try to kill Rogue and Blade. I was so scared. I took off, avoided the Crawlers, and started going to the methadone clinic.”
That was why I’d gone to Bullet, not just to talk to him about what had happened, but to ask him for help. I needed money and a place to stay. I’d been a whore for black. Working for a pimp wouldn’t leave me dope sick and high.
Instead, I’d met Blue.
A smile curled my lips. “Do you still want to be my friend?”
“Nah.” He cupped my cheek. “I want more.” He swallowed hard. “I want to touch you.” His touch trailed along my jaw, then he curled his fingers and brushed his knuckles down my neck.
I wrapped my fingers around his wrist, and he stilled. Then he took my hands and directed them into my lap.
“Don’t touch me, okay?” His voice was soft, taking the sting out of his rejection. “You’re wrong about how I feel about you.” He sank his fingers into my hair, angled my head, and stared into my eyes. His blue-eyed gaze penetrated deep into me. “I want to kiss you.”
“I want to kiss you, too.” My heart had hungered for this. I licked my lips, swallowed, and anticipated the touch of his lips to mine.
“Not this time. I’m going to kiss you .” His breath was warm on my lips. “But I don’t want you to move.”
“Blue?” I leaned into him .
He chuckled. “Just let me kiss you. No touching me.”
“Why?”
“Later. Not tonight.” He slid a palm around the back of my neck and tilted my face to his. “Is it okay if I kiss you now?”
“Yes.” I clasped my hands in my lap to keep from touching him.
He took a breath and brushed his lips against mine. Once. Twice. His eyes closed, and I closed mine, his mouth opened, and he touched the seam of my lips with his tongue.
And then he was kissing me, softly, sweetly, but oh so thoroughly. His tongue swept my mouth, taking mine, drawing me in, and stealing my breath. His mouth tasted of everything I’d never had. I inhaled his exhale, breathing in the scent of him. The fragrance of his cologne and the clean scent of his shampoo.
His touch was gentle, and his mouth was magical. I tasted his upper lip, and he sucked my lower. A low growl rolled from his chest. I whimpered, grabbed his shirt, and chased his mouth with mine.
Blue stiffened, trying to continue the kiss, but our mouths became awkward. His hand tightened on my neck, and his other hand covered mine, anchoring my fingers to his chest to keep me from moving.
When I tried to pull my fingers away, he broke from my lips and gasped a breath.
“I’m sorry,” I said jerking my hands back into my lap. “You told me not to touch you.” I’d just wanted to get closer to him.
“It’s all good.” He smiled and rubbed his thumb along my lips. “Really good.”
But it wasn’t. I’d ruined the moment .
Still, tonight, he’d fought for us. Whatever was between us was more than friendship. I’d trusted him with my secret, and he’d revealed he had demons as dark and dangerous as mine.
Blue
Morning was bittersweet. Sweet because last night on the porch steps with Kiss was the best kiss of my life. Her lips, her soft sighs, holy fuck, I didn’t think I’d ever been harder. I’d wanted to keep kissing her. Bitter because I’d ended it as soon as the first talons of panic had pricked my flesh.
Water cascaded over my head and sluiced down my torso. I reached between my legs, fisted my dick, and replayed last night in my head as I showered.
What I wanted was for her to straddle my lap and slide down my cock so I could finally feel her on the inside. I’d still been hard when she touched me, but I knew what would happen if her hands had roamed over my chest, if her fingers had migrated south, if she’d wanted to touch my dick.
I squeezed my cock even harder. Pressure built in my balls, and pain ripped along my spine. I hated this. I could fuck my fist and shoot my load to the images in my head, but fuck me, I was never going to be able to warn her to hold on tight as I wrecked her pussy.
I tilted my face to the water. “I fucking hate this.” I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to be able to hold her, to kiss her until we were both breathless, then slide between her thighs and have her hold onto me without feeling like I couldn’t breathe .
Tears swam in my eyes, mixing with the scorching hot water that was never going to wash away the stains on my soul. I’d been fucking broken.
I jacked my dick hard, rubbing the shaft raw until my balls tightened, drew up to my body, and hot jets spewed from the slit.
There was no pleasure, no release, just another fucked up reminder that I could never be everything Kiss needed. Once she knew my secrets, I was going to lose her. She thought she’d done some bad shit.
I’d done worse.
Once I’d showered, I dressed in jeans and a faded concert T-shirt I’d picked up at a secondhand store. After I shrugged on my cut, I joined Sully and Rogue in the kitchen and grabbed one of the colored mugs with wildflowers painted on them from the hooks under the cabinet.
“No time,” Rogue said to me, then finished off his dregs and put his cup in the sink. “We need to go.”
I returned the cup to the hook and pulled my keys from my pocket. We walked outside, letting the screen door slam closed behind me.
Rogue headed up the steps to the apartment. I crossed the driveway and pushed the key into the ignition of my bike.
Rogue paused halfway up the stairs. “Are you going to say goodbye to your girl?”
I shook my head. “Jazzy makes the rules. After yesterday, she doesn’t want me back in her place. I don’t blame her.”
I hit the start button, and the pipes rumbled, drowning out any argument Rogue might have. He finished climbing the stairs and entered the house .
Ten seconds after the screen door closed, it bounced open again. I glanced over my shoulder as Kiss came down the steps. Wisps of blonde hair escaped the messy ponytail on top of her head. The pink T-shirt I purchased for her draped her thin torso to midthigh, but she still wore Jazzy’s sleep shorts.
I approached and met her at the bottom of the stairs. She stood on the last step, making us eye level. Sunlight reflected off her bright blue eyes. She looks so much better than when I found her two nights ago. She was a petite girl, still thin, but she looked healthy. She was fucking perfect.
“How are you feeling?”
“I should still feel like shit, but I don’t. Well, maybe a little shaky.”
I smiled. “Get some rest. Drink your fluids. I’ll see you later.”
An awkward pause stretched between us.
The door swung open, and Rogue came down the stairs.
“Will you come home for lunch?” she asked me.
“Not today,” Rogue said as he passed. “Kiss your girl goodbye. We gotta go.”
Your girl. She did feel like my girl.
She clasped her hands behind her back, licked her lips, and sucked in a quick breath.
I cradled the side of her face, brought her mouth to mine, and kissed her like she was my girlfriend. With gentle pressure, I parted her lips and touched my tongue to hers. My heart pounded, and a tingle teased every nerve in my body. She tasted sweet and innocent, sliding her tongue along mine.
I forced myself to relax, sipped from her mouth, and tasted her one more time .
She smiled as we separated. Throughout the kiss, she’d kept her hands behind her back.
“Text me if you need anything,” I said to her, then spun around and jogged over to my bike.
Rogue smiled as he backed his bike out of the drive. I guess I was following him.
The bikes rumbled as we rode down the street. I stayed staggered behind him because I didn’t have a fucking clue where we were going. I’d assumed the shop, but we headed in the opposite direction.
Rogue stopped along the curb in front of a small brick house. Where were we, and what was the hearse doing here? The hearse was a flatbed truck used for hauling parts and dead bikes on long runs.
A couple of bikes were in the driveway, and a houseful of furniture was in the front yard. All the windows were open, and music blasted from inside.
I killed the engine and climbed from my bike. An uneasy feeling twisted in my gut. I recognized the bikes. I was cool with Romeo, but I wasn’t ready to confront Bullet. Shit was strained between us. We both had blame. Fuck that. He was at fault.
Rogue slapped his hand onto my shoulder and propelled me toward the door. “Ready to do some remodeling?”
I laughed. “I guess it depends on who I’m remodeling.” My joke fell flat.
Rogue stopped walking, keeping me next to him. “You’ve got two brothers in there that deserve to know what’s going on with you. They both have history with Kiss. You want something with her, you need to talk to them. No brother is going to stand in the way of you and your old lady if that’s where this thing with Kiss is headed. ”
I didn’t know where it was going. Right now, I just wanted her to get clean. She deserved better than the drugged up life she’d had.
We headed into the house, through the repainted living room, and into the kitchen. Sheets draped the countertops, and Romeo stood on a chair painting the kitchen cabinets white.
“About time you got here, asshole.”
Which one of us was he referring to? I glanced at Rogue.
“He’s talking to me.” Rogue shrugged out of his cut and draped it over the back of the chair. “Where’s Bullet?”
“He’s ripping up the carpet in the master. If you want to paint in here, I’ll work on the nursery.” He pointed to the counter. “Whoever takes the last cup, starts a new pot. You got your choice, Blue. Kitchen with the asshole, bedroom with Bullet, or working on the nursery with me.”
Romeo headed down the hall, and I hung my cut with Rogue’s and grabbed a cup of coffee. “This is Romeo’s place?” Because Romeo and Levi rented a room at the clubhouse. I hadn’t heard about them moving. Was I the asshole for thinking of myself? I needed a room to rent.
Rogue leaned a hip against the counter and stirred the paint. “It will be.” He turned to the cabinet. “Pick a room. I’m paying you to work.”
I stared out the window.
Rogue picked up the paint brush and climbed onto the short stepstool. “He’s your brother, Blue. You gotta trust him with your truth.”
I wasn’t sure who he meant, but I wasn’t ready to talk to Bullet. “I got no issue with Romeo. ”
“He’s got history with your girl. Talk to him.”
“Fuck.”
Rogue’s quiet laugh followed me as I strode down the hall and found Romeo in the first bedroom. The walls had been painted soft yellow with white trim. The hardwood flooring looked as old as the house. It was worn but still glossy. Boxed furniture leaned against the wall.
“Levi must be excited to move out of the MC.” I slid my hands into my pockets.
Romeo opened the window. “She doesn’t know. This was Levi’s room growing up.” He smirked. “Dozer and I practically grew up in this house. Fuck, bruh, I can’t think about the memories in here, knowing this is going to be my little bean’s room.” He pointed to the canisters of paint. “Do you want to paint trim or put together furniture?”
I crossed the room to the boxes. “You three were close?”
Romeo squatted, the skin of his knees poking through his jeans. “Dozer and Levi were close. I always had a crush on Levi, but she’s good, you know. Too good for me.” He grabbed a paintbrush and started on the windowsill.
“Levi and Kiss were friends.” I dropped the first box flat on the floor, pried open the staples, and grabbed the one page of diagram instructions for a changing table.
Romeo slowed the stroke of his paintbrush. “Best friends. It’s hard to think about those times, knowing how much I hurt Levi. I never meant to hurt Kiss, either. I ended up hurting them both.”
My gut clenched, and my tongue thickened in my mouth. This was my opportunity to talk about Kiss. “I’ve got some shit to tell you. ”
Romeo kept painting so I kept talking.
“It’s about Kiss.”
“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about her. I didn’t know you knew each other.”
I sat on the floor and sorted the bolts and numbered pressed-wood pieces. “A couple months ago she showed up at Indulgence while I was working. She wanted to talk to Bullet. I didn’t know who she was or what her situation was.”
I wanted to tell him that I’d been attracted to her, and that I hadn’t known she was a Heller. Once I knew, I gave zero fucks that she used to be Romeo’s lay. But I probably would’ve been hesitant to get invested in a junkie. Too late now. She still might run from me, but I wasn’t walking away from her.
“I don’t know what to say. You have history with her.”
Romeo set his paintbrush across the top of the canister. “Blue, I’m painting my baby’s room. I’m all in with Levi. I always have been. I want nothing but good things for Kiss. The problem is Kiss lives for the high. Once she found heroin, nothing else mattered.”
I nodded. “She was using again. She’s trying to get clean.”
“She’ll try, but it never lasts.”
“Romeo…” Fuck. Talking about feelings and shit was harder than I expected. “I like her.”
“I’m not going to warn you off her.” Romeo dipped his brush into the paint again. “Just don’t catch feelings. Kiss chases the high. Before she got into heroin, she was part of the crew. I wish she could find a reason to stay clean.”
I wanted to believe I could be that reason, but she’d already left me once for black .
“I’ve got a lot of guilt about the way I treated Levi,” Romeo continued. “For the first time, my life isn’t shit. I have Levi and the bean, the shop, and now Bear and Willow are giving us the house.”
I snapped my gaze up. “No shit? They’re giving you the house?”
Romeo laughed. “Crazy, I know. It all happened sort of last minute. Bear came home for the wedding and bought a motorhome. Willow wouldn’t go to Alaska, but his job is moving him to Texas.”
“How are you going to feel about me being with Kiss?”
“I hope you make her happy. Kiss and I had fun. Just friends, and we were never going to be anything else.”
I lined up the pressboard pieces. “I don’t know if you care, but Kiss says the same thing about you.”
Romeo finished with the windowsill then smirked as I forced a screw into the wood with a grunt. “You know, I’ve got a drill for that.”
I flipped him off, and he handed me the cordless drill.
“Are you going to bring her to the MC?”
The drill buzzed as I spoke. “Not for a while.” I couldn’t say more. Kiss had trusted me with her secrets about the MC. She wasn’t ready to return. One day, she’d be strong enough. Until then, she didn’t have to be my old lady for her to be my girlfriend.
Bullet leaned into the doorframe. “I thought I heard your voice,” he said to me. “Can I get your help for a minute?”
Romeo waved his paintbrush at Bullet. “Just remember, he works for me now. He’s putting in hours at the shop. He comes back here and finishes putting that shit together. ”
“You’re working at CCC?” Bullet smiled. “Sweet.”
“He’s covering for Jazzy,” Romeo said. Then his brows furrowed. As if the rest of the puzzle pieces snapped into place, Romeo jerked his head around to me. “Is that why Jazzy is out? Is she with Kiss?”
“Kiss?” Bullet asked. “Did you find her? Where the fuck has she been?” Bullet ran his hands over his head. “And you didn’t say anything? Jesus, kid, I’ve had contacts out looking for her.”
Bullet had a reputation. Bangers, locals, even the fucking mafia gave him space. Probably because they all benefited from Bullet’s business. Even judges and politicians like paid pussy. That he’d use his sources to look for Kiss hit me hard in the gut.
“She’s staying at Jazzy’s.”
Bullet glanced toward the kitchen and laughed. “No wonder he’s been an ass. Gotta be hard to get your dick wet with company crashing on the couch.”
“We’re both over there. I’m at Sully’s.” I set the drill to the side and stood. “But I’m going to need a place. Is there anyone waiting on your room at the clubhouse?” I asked Romeo. “I lost my apartment, and I need to get out of Blade’s room.”
“Rooms are rented by seniority.” Romeo wiped paint from his hands on a paper towel. “Pike and Brenna would have first choice on the room.”
“Nah,” Bullet said. “He’s with Kiss. The room should be theirs if they want it.”
Romeo shrugged. “I’m not arguing with him. You want the room, it’s yours.”
Live with Kiss? Were we ready for that? Fuck no, but we both needed a place. Even if it was temporary, we’d have a place to sleep .
But that meant dragging her to the MC, putting her in the one place that would drive her to use. I couldn’t do that to her. Still, I’d ask her.
Even if she said no, I could still take Pike’s room when he upgraded. Romeo’s room was larger and had a private bathroom. At least, I had options. Taking Pike’s room was probably the better choice. He was responsible for bringing me into the MC. It felt shitty to use Kiss to take a room that should be his.
After helping Bullet haul the old carpet out of the room, we tossed it onto the back of the hearse. Then I went back to assembling baby furniture.
Hana showed up at lunch with tacos and her airbrush. As I put together a shelf, she airbrushed one wall in the nursery to resemble a nighttime fantasy in shades of pink.
“Levi is going to love having the house,” Hana said. “But she’s going to hate having this one.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because Levi is attached to her grandma. You know Willow raised her because her parents are both locked up.”
I nodded, and she continued.
“I get it. My parents are gone, too. Not that I plan to have kids anytime soon. But if I did, I’d have more than my brother and Gabi. Romeo and Dozer are like my brothers. You know, I feel the same way about you.”
“You got a point to this conversation?”
“Yes, don’t be an asshole.” She mixed another color for her mural. “I’m just saying that the Hellers are all the family I need. We’re family, Blue.” She flipped on the air compressor. “Tell me about Kiss.” She glanced over her shoulder. “I stopped by Jazzy’s this morning since she hasn’t been at the shop. ”
“We’re friends.” I rolled my shoulders. “Maybe more. I’m just not ready to make us public. And neither is she.”
Hana snorted. “Okay, but you’re not changing your road name just because you have a girlfriend.”