Chapter Ten
Kiss
Sully was in the house with Heather. Jazzy’s mom never spent much time in the MC, so I didn’t know her well. I didn’t know how she felt about me staying here, but I didn’t have to guess. I could hear their conversation through the open kitchen window above me. Apparently, even Jazzy’s mom knew about my reputation with the Hellers.
If Blade had ever discovered the shit I’d done with his dad, whatever little bit of friendship we had left would be over.
“Jack, I know you want to help her.”
“Let it go, Heather. You know I can’t turn my back on her. Her old man was my best friend.”
“You stepping down from the board was supposed to give us more time together.”
“I ain’t leaving the Hellers.”
“No, you’re just bringing it into our home.” I didn’t want to listen, but it was impossible not to. Heather’s heated voice carried.
“You moving in?” Sully asked his wife.
“Hell no,” she snapped. “I want to stay married.”
Sully laughed. “Guess I should warn you. You’re going to need some time to get over being pissed. ”
“What now? It’s not enough you’re running a halfway house for club junkies?”
“Don’t talk about Shae like that. She’s made some bad choices. Her staying with me isn’t one of those. I’m a fighter, Heather, and that girl is in a fight. She needs someone in her corner. She needs me.”
Heat bloomed in my belly and radiated into my limbs. My heart hurt. I’d never had anyone fight for me. That wasn’t true. I had Blue. But this was different. Sully was a part of my past. And he was right. I needed to fight. Fight for both me and Blue.
Sully’s voice lowered. “Blade and the board are going to vote Jazzy in as sergeant at arms.”
“This is your fault, Jack. You raised her with no rules.”
“Nah, she’s going to be enforcing the rules. I’m not taking this from her.” They must have walked out of the kitchen because their voices grew muffled.
I pulled my knees into my chest. Sunshine glinted off my pink toenails. I’d painted them to match my mood, but now I wasn’t feeling as light and pretty.
Everyone eventually got sick of my drama. I couldn’t expect someone else to solve my problems. I lowered my legs and slid the folder I’d gotten from Ansel closer. I’d gone through all the information. There were pamphlets on coping techniques, how to deal with family and friends, and how to find forgiveness for yourself. There were also pamphlets on getting a sponsor, the risk of relapse, and how to live in the program.
Recovery wasn’t supposed to be a part of my life, for the rest of my life, but maybe that’s why treatment never worked for me. I stopped working at staying clean .
The screen door banged closed, a car door slammed, and the noise of the engine faded into the distance. A minute later, Sully joined me in the backyard.
I braced for the hit. I couldn’t stay here and make life difficult for him. But the thought of staying with Blue at the clubhouse had panic surging through me.
Staying here or staying with Blue at the MC equated to rejection or opportunity. I wasn’t stupid. Okay, I had been in the past which was how I ended up here. Until I was stronger, I needed to avoid my triggers.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
I shook my head, and he picked up one of the pamphlets. “I can’t stay here, Sully.”
“Yes, you can. Leaving doesn’t work for you, peanut. Earning people’s trust back takes time.” He covered my hand with his weathered and calloused palm. “You and I are good. You got Blue, Jazzy, and Rogue. You gotta stay focused on the good stuff.” He tapped the pamphlets. “You focus on this. You don’t need to worry about anything else.”
I smiled, fighting to keep tears from my eyes.
“Come on.” He pushed his chair back, and I followed him to the garage. “Be right back.” He ambled into the house and came back thirty seconds later with two keys hanging on a skull and butterfly key chain. He tossed them to me.
After entering the code at the side of the garage, the automatic door rolled into the rafters. The garage was full, and Jazzy’s car was surrounded by stuff.
Sully rummaged through the boxes behind the bumper. “Bike parts. Guess I should’ve known my princess was going to grow up to be a hellion.”
“You know she’s amazing,” I said with a chuckle .
Sully smiled, and a tint of a blush colored his cheeks. “Yep, she’s special.” He glanced around the massive double car garage. There wasn’t a lot of unoccupied space. “This place is a wreck.”
I grabbed a box and dragged it out to the driveway. “It just needs organized.”
Sully laughed. “Not today.”
I paused. “Why not? Do you have something else to do?”
“I guess we’re doing this.” A smile tilted his mouth. “I knew you were going to be good to have around.” He clapped his hands together. “I don’t have anywhere else to be.”
Neither did I, but that was my problem, not his.
Once we had the space cleared, Sully sorted the boxes, mowers, yard tools, and the piles of bike parts. “I’m never going to use half this shit,” he said of the extra Harley body parts.
“Maybe the guys at the shop could use it.”
He pointed at me. “Good thinking. Will you text Blue? If he’s still at the MC, ask him to bring home the hearse. We can haul this stuff out of here.”
I dusted my hands off on my thighs then plucked the phone from the back pocket of my jeans. I sent him the text, but when he didn’t immediately reply, I went back to work with Sully.
He turned on an old stereo. “This used to be Jazzy’s.” He scanned through radio stations and stopped on a country song. “How’s this?”
“It’s good,” I said as I stacked motor oil on the shelf with other automotive fluids.
“You never said how you met Blue.” He rolled a spare tire to the pile of automotive parts .
“At Indulgence.” I smiled at him over my shoulder. “I wanted to talk to Bullet about making more bad decisions. I needed money.” I sighed and owned my truth. “I don’t have many skills. I thought I could work for Bullet.”
“Christ.” Sully leaned his ass against Jazzy’s sedan.
I sat on the bumper next to him. “Sometimes, staying sober seems like a lot of work.”
“I got a lot of regrets, peanut.” He slapped his hand against the trunk of Jazzy’s car. “I shit on my responsibilities to my princess and her mother. Fighting, drugs, women. We all got shit in our past.”
A Harley rumbled from down the street. My chest tightened. I didn’t have to see the bike to know it was Blue. “I guess he didn’t get my message.”
Blue pulled into the driveway and killed the engine.
Butterflies flitted in my belly as he swung his leg over and casually approached. A flip of his head had his bangs swishing to the side. He slid his hands into his front pockets. “Levi is at the hospital.”
Sully stood. “Everything okay?”
“She’s having the baby. Romeo and Jazzy have been up there for a couple of hours. I haven’t heard anything more. But Dozer headed over a few minutes ago.”
A mixed flurry of emotions swirled within me. When we were kids, Levi and I had planned our weddings. We’d wear biker boots with our lace wedding dresses. We didn’t dream of diamond rings, but wearing cuts declaring us Heller property.
We promised to live next door to each other. I’d name my first boy Axel, and she was going to name her first Romeo. I’d known why. She’d always loved him. He’d doted on her like a brother, at least that’s what I’d tell her because he’d never taught me to ride a bike, dried my tears, or beat up a boy for calling me a name. He did those things for Levi.
I’d been so full of jealousy. Levi and I both had crappy moms. Hers was in prison. Mine should’ve been. Her dad was serving a lifetime sentence. I guess in a way mine did, too. Neither of us would ever see our dads again.
But Levi had Willow and Bear. She had Dozer. I wanted her to be jealous of something I had. But Romeo didn’t catch feelings. It hurt…unless I was high.
“I’m okay if you want to head up to the hospital,” I said to Blue. I’d taken enough from Levi. Today wasn’t about me.
“Later.” He pressed a chaste kiss to my mouth. Not the kind I wanted. But I could wait until we were alone to feel the heat in his lips. “If you wanted, I thought you could go with me to pick out something for the baby. Something from both of us.”
This man. He’d claimed I couldn’t fix him, but he seemed determined to fix me and to find a way to repair the damage I’d inflicted on…on my friends.
Blue nodded toward Jazzy’s vehicle. “What’s up with the car?” he asked Sully.
“Shea needs wheels for the meetings.”
Blue cocked a brow.
“Oh. I can’t wait to tell you.” I hesitantly reached for his hand. Rejection still lingered in the back of my mind. But I didn’t need to worry. His fingers easily threaded with mine. “Today, Sully and I went to the community center.” I led him around the corner to the backyard patio. “I met a counselor. He was so nice.” I showed him the pamphlet. “They have meetings every day.”
Blue glanced at the paper .
“I’m not using,” I said. “But I want to be clean. I don’t want to be afraid of the cravings.” I didn’t want him to worry about my sobriety. I wanted him to trust me the way I trusted him.
Blue dropped the paper onto the table.
“Is something wrong?” I asked. Not that I could pinpoint the reason, but something seemed off. Blue was quieter, his smile not quite reaching his eyes.
“Nah.”
The car rumbled from the garage, sounding like a dying animal as the engine choked and gasped.
I smiled and rushed to the garage as Sully backed the Ford onto the driveway. He popped the hood and listened to the engine.
“Something’s rubbing,” he said as Blue approached. Sully positioned on the left side of the engine. I stood next to Blue on the right.
“Climb in and give it a bit of gas,” Blue said to me.
I sat behind the wheel and pressed the gas pedal. I was nervous. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d driven a car. At least a year ago, before I’d left for the wilderness rehab.
“That’s good,” Blue said. “You can turn it off.”
By the time I got out of the car and came around the hood, Blue was leaning into the engine and tightening a bolt with a wrench.
“You two should take it out.” Sully smiled.
“Want to ride around in a cage with me?” I asked Blue.
“Thought you’d figured me out by now. I’d go anywhere with you.”
Sully talked to Blue about the car while I ran into the house for my ID .
Five minutes later, I was behind the wheel with Blue next to me. He had me fill up the tank, then he checked the air pressure in the tires, finally we pulled through the drive-thru for burgers, fries, and drinks to take home for all three of us.
Sully sat with us at the back patio. While they talked about the MC, I stuffed fries into my mouth. I thought about Sully and Heather. The last thing I wanted was to make Sully’s home uncomfortable.
I’d rather deal with the discomfort of living at the clubhouse. Plus, I’d be close to Blue.
Sully gathered the trash from his meal. “I’m going to head over to the clubhouse.” He plucked a piece of shredded lettuce from his beard. “I’m guessing you two would like some time alone, but if you change your mind or if you need anything, you’ll know where to find me.”
Blue leaned his forearms on the table and picked at his food. Considering I’d scarfed mine down, and Sully had probably already digested his by now, Blue either hadn’t been hungry or something was bothering him.
Fighting the fear simmering in my chest, I gathered up the pamphlets and tucked them back into the folder.
Sully’s Harley fired up and faded into the distance.
After a couple moments of silence, I asked Blue, “Do you not want me to go to NA meetings?”
“Of course, I want you to go.”
“It’s not like treatment. I know I have to do the work. But they have free counseling, too. It’s both. Therapy and meetings.” I pulled one of the pamphlets from the folder. “In here it says that addicts who attend daily meetings have a better chance of staying clean.”
Blue nodded .
“Something’s wrong, Blue. You won’t even look at me.”
He lifted his gaze from his half-eaten burger. “It’s just been a long day.”
“Come on.” I stood, gathered up his food, and stuffed it in the bag.
Blue leaned back in his chair. “Where are we going?”
“To bed. I’m collecting on my bet. You’ve had a long day, and I’m tired, too.” I headed into the house, set his food in the refrigerator, and went to my room. By the time Blue joined me, I’d kicked off my shoes. I tugged open the snap of my jeans and shimmied them over my hips.
He arched one brow.
“Get naked, Blue.”
“Kiss—” He closed the door and shrugged out of his cut.
“Do you trust me?” I pulled the blackout curtains, tugged down my comforter, and climbed onto my bed.
Reaching behind his head, he grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked it off. “I’m not sure if I should.”
“Good answer.” I slithered my bare thighs beneath the blanket, burrowed under the covers, slipped off my panties, and dropped them over the side of the bed.
Blue raked his fingers through his bangs. Color seemed to drain from his face. He bent over, untied his boots, and toed them off. Next, his jeans dropped to the floor.
I smiled.
“I was out of clean underwear.” His flaccid cock draped along his groin. Even soft, he was beautiful. A light dusting of black hair covered his muscular thighs. Like Romeo, Blue was a tapestry of ink and mayhem. A serpent snaked along his ribs and curved onto the edges of his abdominals. A dagger inked his forearm from wrist to elbow, and the Heller devil covered his scapula.
Blue slid beneath the covers with me. We snuggled under the blanket, but we didn’t touch. My fingers itched to trace the hills of his shoulders, to follow the contour of his pectorals, and reach beneath the blanket to explore the ripple of his abdomen, and the taut skin of his pelvis. Instead, I pillowed my hands beneath my cheek.
A lopsided smile twerked on his lips. “Is this what you had in mind when you asked me to get in bed with you?”
I ducked my head, a blush warmed my cheeks, and a nervous laugh slipped from my lips. “Not exactly.”
Blue scooted closer. “You haven’t collected on your bet.”
I leaned up on my elbow, but he grabbed onto my wrist before I could touch him.
“Kiss—” His jaw clenched, he swallowed, then loosened his hold. “I won’t get hard.”
I gently touched his chest and grazed my nails along his sternum. “Did you ever play red light, green light when you were little?”
“I was more of a dodgeball kid.”
“Well, we’re not playing that. I don’t want to dodge your balls.”
Blue flopped to his back and laughed.
“Perfect.” I leaned over him. “Stay just like this.” I kissed him with a slow brush of my mouth to his, a touch of tongue, and a gentle nibble of his lip.
A shuddering exhale vibrated through his body.
“No expectations,” I said. “Like last night. Just the words red light or green light. ”
My hair tickled along his chest, and his nipples tightened into flat hard disks.
“Anything to do with your hair is a green light.”
“For me, too, Blue.” I leaned over him and licked his nipple.
A low growl rumbled from his chest, he threaded his fingers through my tangles, cupped my skull, and fisted my hair. His other palm slipped onto my hip beneath the covers.
I lifted my gaze, connecting with his. “There are no rules about your hands, but only words will make me stop. You can’t push me away.” With the tip of my tongue, I traced the stretched tendon in his neck. “I’m going to use my mouth, Blue.” I gently bit his earlobe. “And I’m going to use my hands.” No doubt, he could feel the shift of my body. I reached between my legs and slid a finger against my slit.
“Green fucking light,” he whispered, sliding his hand over mine, and pushing both of our fingers into my pussy.
“Keep talking,” I said, taking our fingers out of my pussy. “What happened today?”
“Oil change and a chain adjustment on a cruiser.”
I hummed, kissing along his shoulder, and trailed my fingers down his torso. “You went to the clubhouse?”
The closer my fingers drifted toward his crotch the harsher his breaths became. “We loaded up Romeo’s and Levi’s room into Torch’s truck and got them moved over to the house.”
The words rushed from his mouth as my lips followed the path my fingertips had taken. I kissed along his ribs .
“Brenna and Pike need a couple days to get moved over,” Blue said.
“And then you’ll move into their room?” Pushing the blanket lower, I nipped the skin of his hip.
Blue tensed beneath my lips. I waited for him to tell me to stop.
My breath warmed his skin, and my lips were dangerously close to his cock.
“Kiss?” His fingers tightened in my hair, but he didn’t pull me away from him.
I listened to everything he said, but I focused on his reactions to my touch. Not fully erect, but his cock jerked, and his balls tightened.
“Red light or green light?” I asked him.
“Green light.”
Green, but I could feel the trembling inside him, the fear and the panic my touch caused him. But I trusted him to stop me before the blackness robbed us of what we both needed. To touch and be touched.
I licked the soft trail of hair beneath his navel and gently sucked the tender flesh of his inner thigh. Then I cradled his balls in my palm and softly rolled them between my fingers. His cock kicked. One moment swelling and hardening, and the next, losing the firmness. He fisted the sheet. Tendon stretched in his forearm, veins bulging in the fight to stay with me, not against me.
Quivers rippled the muscles of his belly, and his ragged breaths echoed in the room. His skin was warm with the slight hint of sweat and musk. I breathed deeply, his essence seeping into me. Fuck, but I wanted to taste him. I wanted to feel his cock grow and harden in my mouth. I wanted him desperate and aching the same as me .
“Red light.” The pain in his voice ripped at my chest. I hurt for the broken pieces of this man.
Tears burned behind my eyes. I had a PhD in burying my feelings and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. We were the same, and this wasn’t Blue.
The blanket slipped to his waist as I crawled up his body, curled into him, and rested my arm over his chest. The tension melted off him, and his arms circled me. His lips pressed against the top of my head.
My cheek rested on the smooth plain of his pectoral with my breasts crushed against his ribs. He trailed his fingers along my side. Quietness thickened between us. This was enough.
“Do you know Jazzy’s mom?” I asked.
He rubbed a few strands of my hair through his fingers. “I’ve met her.”
I rolled, leaned on his chest, and propped my chin on my arms. “She came over today. I guess no one told her I was staying here. She’s not happy about it. I get it.”
“Sully won’t kick you out.”
“I know, but I don’t want to stay if it’s going to cause problems. I thought maybe I could stay with you.”
Blue licked his upper lip, turned his gaze away from me, and shifted to dislodge me from his chest. “Nah. You don’t want to be at the MC.”
I guess I hadn’t prepared for him to say no because my throat tightened, and an uneasy feeling churned in my gut. I sat up and tucked the blanket around my breasts. “Are you afraid I’ll use because I’m starting meetings tomorrow. Even if I go to the clubhouse, I’m not going to. I know Sully will let me stay, but I’d rather be with you.”
“It’s not a good idea.” He shifted, sitting up.
“What part isn’t a good idea? ”
“You going to the MC. It’s barely over a week. You need to give it some time.”
“I don’t want to argue—”
“But you’re going to.”
“Yes.” I launched from the bed, snagged my T-shirt from the floor, and pulled it on. “No one knows better than me how long—how many days it’s been since I stuck a needle in my arm.” I was fighting the cravings every fucking minute of the day. But I had more reasons to stay clean than to use. Being with Blue made more sense than staying where I’d cause problems between Sully and his old lady.
“Baby, I promise, I’d rather be here with you than at the club.”
“Isn’t being together most important?”
He grabbed my wrist and tugged me back onto the bed. “We are together. You can’t rush recovery.”
I groaned, rolled my eyes, and crashed onto the bed. “I know. Please don’t turn into a PSA. I had enough therapy to know the buzz phrases. You can’t keep me clean. And I’m the only one who can make me use.”
He braced over me. “I know.” He nuzzled my neck. “But we have privacy here.”
His mouth covered mine. His tongue traced the seam of my lips. If this was his way of distracting me, I was good with it. Kissing was better than arguing. Especially when he was naked, and his chest pressed against mine. Why had I put my stupid T-shirt back on?
I wiggled beneath him. “Privacy is good.”
He chuckled and braced on one outstretched arm.
“Yes, you’re proving you can distract me with kisses.” I rolled my eyes and wrestled with my shirt .
“I’d rather kiss than fight.” The humor darkened into an intangible craving. He grabbed my T-shirt. “Hands over your head.”
Reaching up, I curled my palms around the rungs in the headboard.
A mischievous smirk curved his lopsided smile.
Blue
In the dim light of the fading sun coming through the curtains, a flush tinted her cheeks, perfectly matching the pink blush of her pouty nipples.
“Don’t let go,” I said.
Guilt should’ve been slipping into my conscience, but I couldn’t worry about unintended collateral emotions. I’d lie by omission because I couldn’t hurt her more. I couldn’t bring her to the MC, but not because I didn’t want her with me, but because I’d lose my patch.
I was part of the motorcycle club, but I’d never be part of the brotherhood. She’d never be a Heller again. But one day I hoped Kiss repaired her relationships with Levi and the crew.
But it wouldn’t be with the club. Blade was president, and his word was law. Not only would she not be in my bed, but she couldn’t come to the clubhouse to dance, play cards, or just hang out.
Kiss was barred from the Heller Raiders.
Distracting her from conversation, I sucked her nipple into my mouth. Her skin was soft and sweet against my tongue. She inhaled a breath, gripped the rungs, and arched into my mouth.
I framed her ribcage with my palms, anchored her onto the bed, and split her thighs with my knees .
No doubt she could see my cock. I fought the humiliation burning in my chest. Who the fuck can’t keep an erection when a beautiful woman had her legs spread? Glistening fluids drenched her pretty cunt. The back of my jaw tightened, and my mouth salivated because the scent of her arousal soaked the air.
But my thoughts were fucking toxic. Breathe. This was Kiss, the girl I’d dreamed about for months. Fuck me. Why couldn’t the rational part of my brain override the fucked up emotional damage? I fought the tears building in the back of my eyes. Sweat beaded on my back sending a shiver down my spine.
“Blue. Look at me.” Kiss gripped the rungs of the headboard. “Green light. Kiss me.”
I leaned over her, covered her mouth with mine and kissed her filthy. I poured my fears into the slide of my mouth against hers, the stroke of my tongue, and the inhale of her exhale. In my kiss, I begged her not to give up on me, and promised I’d never give up on her.
One of her legs curved over mine. “Is this okay?”
“Green light.”
Lifting her other leg, her thighs braced my hips, and her heels dug into the back of my thighs. Wetness from her pussy slicked my cock. “Can I grind on you?”
“Green light,” I said a bit breathless, mentally begging my body to relax.
I wasn’t afraid to fuck. I wasn’t afraid of Kiss. I had an irrational anxiety with sex. Why couldn’t I be cursed with a phobia that wouldn’t keep me from this…from her? I’d done the research. I’d Googled it. I didn’t need a psychiatrist to confirm my diagnosis. Not that I’d trust a fucking doctor again, but I was a fucking case study in genophobia and haphephobia. Only it wasn’t a fear, but a fucking trigger. I wanted to fuck and be touched .
Maybe that’s why I understood Kiss. Drugs might be the only way to scrub Carl Douglas out of my head.
And just like that, I slipped into the black depths of my memories. Kiss’s small, gentle hands couldn’t chase away the sizzle of betrayal lacing every touch. I couldn’t focus as waves of dizziness spun in my mind.
My body hardened, muscles seized, and I fought a brutal violence in my head. Suffocating under the waves of memories, I gripped Kiss hard, stared into her eyes, pleading for her to be my lifeline, knowing she couldn’t stop the flood of torturous hits and emotional bruises.
“Red light, baby,” she whispered as tears slipped onto her cheeks. “Red light.”
I nodded, collapsing on top of her. My weight crushed against her. She kept her legs locked around me, and recognizing the game was over, she banded her arms around my shoulders.
Soft murmurs slipped from her lips, her nails grazed along my scalp, and she held me. Fuck, she had to wonder what kind of fucked up man she’d attached herself to. With my heart lodged in my throat, my pulse racing, and my useless dick between us, I’d proven I was more fucked in the head than she ever would be.
“Fuck.” I rolled to my back and draped my arm over my face.
“Blue—”
I reached for her hand. “Don’t.” I flared my nostrils as I inhaled. “Don’t ask me to talk, not about this.”
“I won’t.” She scooted closer. “Is this okay?” We shared the same pillow, our breaths mingling, but she didn’t touch me.
I sat up, slid my legs over the edge of the bed, and braced my forearms on my thighs. My hair flopped forward, covering the emotion heating my face .
Kiss kneeled behind me, her thighs bracing my hips, and pressed her lips to my back.
“It’s not you.” I spoke low but with assertion.
“You tell me I can’t rush my recovery.”
I glanced over my shoulder.
“Don’t rush yours.” She pressed her lips to mine, and I closed my eyes.
She smiled against my mouth. “We need therapy. The kind of therapy you get on your bike. Will you take me for a ride?”