Chapter 21 #3
A second later, he breathed into my ear, “Alia, I’m begging you—get away from me. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold myself back. Lock yourself in the washroom.”
He released his hold and I ran to the washroom. I did as he said, locking the door behind me before sitting on the floor. I heard Zafir slide down the opposite side of the door.
“Are you okay?” I asked him after a few moments.
There was an answering groan of “Not really.”
“We knew it would give you some impulsive urges, and you resisted them as best you could. But I think you’re right; Julian wouldn’t have the same self-control. I’m lucky you sampled it first.”
He sighed. “Now I understand why infatuation elixirs are controlled substances.”
“We learned an important lesson, too: don’t double dose.”
“Clearly.”
Minutes trickled by.
“Zafir?” I asked after a long stretch of silence.
There was no answer.
“Zafir?” I asked again, wondering if an overdose of infatuation elixir had made him start frothing at the mouth or lose consciousness or some other horrible side effect. What had the book said?
“I love when you say my name,” came the response from behind the door. “Say it again.”
I heaved a sigh of relief. At least I knew he was alert, even if the potion hadn’t worn off yet.
There was a pause, then I heard Zafir’s voice again, much closer to his usual tone.
“Once it’s safe for you to come out of the washroom, I need you to rip out my voice box and swear an oath that you’ll never repeat anything I said or did to anyone.
Everything that’s come out of my mouth since drinking that blasted drink has been an embarrassment. ”
“That’s nothing new,” I said, leaning back against the door. “You usually sound insufferable. Now you just have a heightened awareness of it.”
He let out a low groan. “I’m going to burn every copy of that elixir’s recipe in the entire city.”
“Ah yes, that’ll greatly improve your image,” I said with a smile. “You should also impose harsh penalties and flogging for any couple who so much as hold hands.” My fingers twitched at the latch. “Are you…are you dizzy or anything? Are there any concerning side effects we should record?”
“No,” he muttered. “I’m just…just angry with myself. I thought I would stay in control better than I did.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. You overdosed and even then you resisted.”
“Not very well.” There was disgust in his voice. “You were afraid. I saw how you looked at me. No woman should ever fear a man like that.”
I licked my lips. There was no point in lying or claiming that he hadn’t frightened me a little. “I guess I hadn’t realized before that there was even the possibility of finding the limit to your self-control.”
“I hadn’t realized it either. I’ve always prided myself on the ability to stay level-headed.” Zafir took another deep breath. “Just stay in there a while longer.”
“Fine,” I said. “But when I come out, you’d better not be on the floor frothing at the mouth from some side effect you didn’t tell me about.”
“I’d never give you the satisfaction,” he said dryly. “Talk to your sister or something while we finish waiting.”
“I left the mirror in the bedroom,” I told him. “So I can’t talk to her right now. Besides, it looked like she was in hiding again, and I don’t want to make her talk and let someone hear her.”
For more than an hour, I waited. Zafir would occasionally mumble compliments, but it also sounded like he had his own hand pressed over his mouth, and they came slower and less frequently as the time passed.
After several minutes of silence, I whispered, “Zafir?”
“What?”
I bit my lip then asked in a rush, “Why’s everyone so scared of you? They all avoid you when you go out. What happened?”
He let out a long exhale. “I almost killed someone in the middle of the town square. I would have, too, if I hadn’t been pulled away.”
My throat caught. “What happened?”
“My sister, Jasmine, was engaged to a man named Grathe before she left to fight in the war. I didn’t know it at the time, but he’d been abusing her.
It turned out she had joined the military to learn how to fight back, and she talked so much about makeup because she was using it to hide her bruises. ”
“That’s horrible,” I breathed.
“I didn’t realize at the time that she was hoping I would notice.
I just thought she wanted to talk about makeup.
When I was stationed on the front lines as an apprentice healer with her and she knew she was dying, she finally told me.
She said that if it weren’t for him, she never would have signed up for the military.
If it hadn’t been for him, she would’ve lived. ”
I winced. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
There was a slight noise as he shifted position. “I don’t mind; I need to focus on something else right now. Like I told you, she died the day before the war ended, and when I got back, I saw Grathe and…I lost control. I tried very hard to kill him.”
“I would do the same for my sister.” I thought of Nadia. If she’d been a little older and Rahil had married and killed her, how would I have reacted? I could only assume I would’ve behaved just as Zafir had done.
“I broke several of Grathe’s bones but was restrained before I killed him.
” He paused. “Julian was one of the people who pulled me back. Grathe was his best friend, and I suppose I’ve always wondered if Julian knew anything about what was going on between him and Jasmine.
He denied that he knew anything, but still…
we’ve had bad blood between us ever since.
After that incident, I sought power. I was determined to rise up so I could ruin Grathe in every way possible, and I did.
The moment I was able to, I had him exiled to the Scorchlands. ”
“Good riddance,” I said softly. “The world would be better off without him if he treated your sister that way.”
“I thought so, too. But all that was done very publicly, and it frightened many people who didn’t know of his crimes. They just saw me lose control. It didn’t help that before being exiled, he started a rumor that I was at fault for my sister’s death and people began to avoid me.”
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed.
“It’s fine. I don’t like talking to most people anyway, and especially not if they think I did such things. It’s much easier to let people believe that I’m evil rather than explaining my sister’s death a hundred times over.”
“But Parliament doesn’t seem to blame you if they have you as a vizier.”
He let out a grunt. “That’s one of the reasons they like having me as a vizier.
I’m unattached and my whole life revolves around them.
They love having me available to dole out any harsh penalties.
I’m their scapegoat, Parliament saves face, and it gives me the opportunity to do my research undisturbed.
If I didn’t have my career, I’d have nothing. ”
I tried to look at Zafir through the keyhole, but the back of his head must’ve been blocking the other side. “I’m glad you told me,” I said softly. “And for what it’s worth, I’m on your side. If something ever happened to Nadia… I understand your position.”
We lapsed back into silence.
Finally, I heard him shift, then came a long, slow exhale. “All right,” he said. “You can come out now. I promise I’m mostly myself again.”
I peered through the keyhole before easing the door open a crack. His hair was mussed, like he’d run his hands through it many times, and he wouldn’t look at me.
I stepped out cautiously, prepared to run back if I needed to. “It appears that you survived.”
“Survived without any of my ego left intact, but I’m still alive, yes.”
I hesitantly approached him, encouraged that he made no attempt to move toward me or kiss me again. “I’m sorry if I made things difficult for you,” I told him softly. “I shouldn’t have teased.”
“You aren’t the one to blame. I knew the risks and took it anyway. I put you in an uncomfortable situation, and for that, I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. And I’m sorry I touched you. I didn’t know you’d react that way.”
He shook his head. “I knew if I reciprocated, it wouldn’t be because I chose to. It was because something made me weak. I worried that if I started touching you again, I wouldn’t be able to stop, and I won’t subject you to that.”
I smiled. “You know, for the most part, I really liked Infatuated Zafir.”
“You like men who make fools of themselves? Wonderful. You’ll get along perfectly with Julian.”
I bumped my shoulder against his. “You know what I mean. You were easier to get along with, and every girl likes to feel wanted, even if it spiraled a little out of control for a period. But when we were talking to each other about potions and things, I almost could tolerate you. And even with an overdose, you handled it well.”
Zafir eyed me balefully. “Only because I have self-control like iron. Julian wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“I know he wouldn’t. But I can still appreciate the expensive gifts he will lavish on me.
” I paused. “For what it’s worth, I have no intention of telling him about—this.
” I’d almost said us, but there was no us.
Zafir and I were co-conspirators, nothing more.
“And thank you for telling me about your sister.”
Zafir’s face relaxed a little. “I miss her. It felt good to talk about her. I haven’t done that for a long time.”
My heart melted a little more. Zafir went to hang up his jacket and put all of the potion ingredients away, and I watched how methodically he took care of everything. It was a bit of a shame that he had resisted the infatuation elixir so well. I’d wager that Zafir would be a very thorough kisser.