Chapter 22 #2
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stop touching him? I almost bent to graze my lips on his cheek, but then my eyes fell on my drained cup.
I froze, then my gaze snapped up to glare at Zafir. I snatched my hands back and pulled away. “You spiked my drink with love potion!”
He rubbed his chin where I’d been touching him. “What?”
I examined my empty teacup. “You mixed something into it! Admit it!”
He held up his hands defensively. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I may as well have had steam gushing out of my ears.
“It tasted bitter. You experimented with an infatuation potion on me! That’s why I’ve been reacting to you this way and feeling all…
feeling all…” My cheeks burned too hot for me to finish the sentence.
“You wanted to get back at me for making you try it out!”
His eyebrows raised. “The elixir I made would only work on men. Any other feelings or sensations are exclusively your own.”
We stared at each other, silence swelling to a bursting point between us.
“You’re lying,” I said, too mortified to say anything else. “I know you added something to my drink.”
“What gives you that idea?” A smile flickered to life on his face, and I realized it might be the first genuine smile I’d ever seen on him. “Are you swooning? I must be better at teaching flirting than I first thought.”
“You’re ridiculous.” All the girlish, fluttering feelings I’d imagined from before evaporated. I turned and stormed away, but he followed, delighted with my embarrassment.
“Apparently ridiculous enough to capture your attention. What sort of infatuation were you feeling?”
“An acute desire to murder you,” I snapped. “Want to keep going? Maybe I’ll agree to take this chain off just so I can kill you.”
“An enticing offer, but I’m going to bed.” He shot me a side-eyed expression filled with amusement. “You still get the cot. No sneaking in to cuddle with—”
I shoved him. He caught my wrists as he fell back against the sofa, and we tumbled over it onto the floor together so I landed on top of him. He let out an oof of pain, and a corresponding pain jabbed at my own back from the charm’s reciprocal pain effect.
“That isn’t how an infatuated woman is supposed to act,” he croaked, lying breathless on the floor and still holding onto my wrists.
I leaned down to whisper into his ear. “I guess I’m not infatuated, then.”
He didn’t let go of me. “I guess not.”
I made no effort to get up. My heart was thudding madly against my ribcage.
The idea of being attracted to Zafir was completely absurd.
It was only because he smelled so good and was handsome and intelligent.
Just because I liked teasing him and found our conversations interesting and adored that he had helped my sister didn’t mean I was falling in love with him.
I was using him and he was using me, that was all.
I clenched my fists around the fabric at his shoulders. If all that was true, then why couldn’t I stop thinking about him?
“Alia?”
“What?”
“Get off me.”
I hastily scrambled to my feet and clawed my fingers through my hair. Zafir wasn’t looking at me and I found it difficult to even glance in his direction. If we weren’t chained together, I would have run out of the room, never to return. This embarrassment and humiliation were too much to bear.
Zafir cleared his throat. “I have to tell you something.”
I didn’t give any indication I’d heard him. I wanted a giant ball of flames to consume me so I could be incinerated on the spot.
“I lied,” he went on. “I did spike your drink with a small dose of an infatuation elixir.”
Relief swept through me. I wasn’t in love; I’d just been drugged, that was all. My shoulders relaxed and I turned back to him. “I knew it!”
He was watching me closely. “I wanted to see if it would work when the subject wasn’t expecting it. I expected it with mine and hypothesized that it was easier to resist its influence because I was forewarned.”
“I should secretly give you another dose at some point to even the score.”
“If you’re so inclined. I’ll have to be very careful about what I consume from now on. It’s late. We need sleep.”
“Of course.”
After clearing away my potion, which had been completely ruined, we went to the bedroom to lie down, but I couldn’t fall asleep.
“So…what did it feel like?” Zafir asked. “I’ll need to document the effects correctly.”
My cheeks burned. But it was only fair that I answered honestly; Zafir had done so when we’d tried the potion on him. “I…I wanted to be close to you.”
“That’s to be expected. I had the same desire when I took the elixir.”
I relaxed a little more, glad he wasn’t mocking me. “I was thinking about you all the time, and several of your personality traits seemed less obnoxious than normal.”
“How so?”
“Oh, instead of thinking you were boring or dull, I thought you were reliable and trustworthy. Instead of thinking you were a workaholic, I thought that it would be nice to be with a man who was loyal and wouldn’t go running off after another woman the moment he got bored or there was an argument.”
There was a pause. “That sounds like a good arrangement.”
“It would be. Every woman wants to be able to trust the man she loves. I’ve never had that.
” I rolled my head around so I could look at him.
“I really loved how kind you were to my sister. Kindness means a lot to me. That earns my loyalty more than anything else because neither Nadia nor I are used to much kindness in the world.”
The silence stretched longer. A tiny drop of remorse was mingled in with my relief of learning that my drink had been tampered with.
The brief moments of imagining that I was attracted to Zafir and feeling like he might be attracted back had been nice.
For a short time, when he had been helping Nadia, it had almost felt like we were a family.
His protecting her felt even better than if he had protected me.
Now, I was brought back to the harsh reality that true romance wasn’t in my future.
Everything between me and Zafir was a web of lies and deceit.
“It’s a good thing you weren’t double-dosed,” Zafir said. “You’re handling it much better than I did. I didn’t even need to lock myself into the washroom.”
“I’m surprised I was able to resist it so well.”
“You might continue to have it affect you for some time; the women’s infatuation elixir takes longer to wear off. I think that I need more commentary. I was double-dosed so you owe me. And it would be helpful to know what attracted you. Just in case Julian asks or something,” he added hastily.
“I guess that’s fair,” I conceded. “What do you want to know?”
“Think back to before you realized the potion was taking effect. What seemed attractive to you?”
“The…the way you style your goatee so neatly. But that won’t help. Julian is clean-shaven.”
There was a rustle of bedsheets as Zafir raised a hand to stroke his chin. “What else?”
“I liked how you’re intelligent and knowledgeable, and I really admired how you fought to control yourself around me when you were under the elixir’s influence. But again, none of that applies to Julian.”
“Think of Julian then. What would attract you to him?”
I struggled to focus. “Well, for one thing, he didn’t forcibly handcuff me to himself. That’s nice.”
Zafir chuckled. “There is that.”
“He doesn’t insult me like you do.”
“He’s missing out, then. Insulting you is great fun.”
I propped myself up on my elbow. “I didn’t think you knew the meaning of the word fun.”
“I learned it with you here. You brighten my life every day we’re still chained together.”
I flopped back down. “You need to not say sweet things like that or this infatuation elixir will make me fall in love with you or something.”
There was a pause. “Well, we can’t have that, can we?”
“Certainly not. So go to sleep before you say anything else even remotely romantic that this stupid infatuation elixir will have me misinterpret. I may be a spiteful viper, but I’m still a woman, and romance does, apparently, work on me, at least a little.
I didn’t try to tempt you when you were overdosed, so it’s your turn not to tempt me. ”
“I didn’t realize it was even possible for me to be tempting to you,” he whispered, so softly I barely heard it.
“You were attracted to me when you were drugged, so you can’t make fun of me,” I told him. “Anything’s possible with an infatuation elixir.”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Anything’s possible.”
Cicadas chirped their creaking melodies. I knew Zafir and I both needed to sleep, but I also wanted to hold on to the nice, nighttime Zafir for as long as possible.
“You would’ve liked my ex-husband’s house,” I told him suddenly. “It’s sort of like your wardrobe, but the whole house does your bidding. There is one room that’s filled with bottles and potions and spellbooks and things. I made many potions there.”
“What sort of potions were your favorites to make?”
“I made the Soulshade Tonic so often that I memorized the recipe.”
“I’m unfamiliar with that one; it must be exclusive to Brisden. What does it do?”
I hesitated then admitted, “It dispels loneliness. I disliked feeling alone all the time without my sister around. My husband and I rarely spoke to each other, and I didn’t have any friends. There weren’t even any servants to talk to.”
It was impossible to tell which was deeper—the silence or the darkness. I shouldn’t have confessed such a thing. I was never in the best frame of mind at night. Zafir was probably lying in bed thinking I was a complete fool.
Finally, his voice drifted through the darkness. “I’ve made the Stillheart Elixir more times than I can count. It suppresses intense emotions and I take it every morning. It usually wears off by the evening.”
“Is that why you do such an incredible impression of a statue during the day?”
Zafir let out a soft snort. “I’m not that stoic.”
“Why do you take it?”
It took Zafir a long time to answer. Finally, he said, “I’ve taken it every day since Jasmine died and I nearly killed Grathe. The pain of losing her was too great to bear alone, and the intensity of my rage frightened me.”
Compassion swelled in my chest. “I can see why you’d take it. If I’d lost Nadia, I’d do the same.” I paused. “Does the Stillheart suppress all intense feelings? Or only the negative ones?”
“All of them. You took a potion to rid yourself of one unpleasant emotion, but I routinely purge myself of them all, good and bad. I understand the desire to run from such feelings.”
If he had taken the Stillheart the morning before being dosed with an infatuation elixir, that would explain why his reaction had been so delayed at first. I propped myself up on my elbow.
“I’d like to see what you act like without that elixir in your system.
I think being unable to feel true joy would be a tragedy. ”
He ran a hand down his face. “Perhaps, but numbing pain is a powerful incentive. Besides, I don’t think I could handle your antics without some sort of countermeasure.”
“Oh, so it’s all my fault?”
“Only partially. Julian annoys me, too.” There was a hint of laughter in his voice. The Stillheart must have worn off, at least partially. No wonder he was always easier to get along with at night.
“Is there anyone who doesn’t annoy you?”
Zafir thought. “No. I even annoy myself sometimes.”
“Rightly so. You are very annoying. But I’ll make you a deal.”
“Your first deal got us chained together and your most recent deal nearly got you kissed against your will. I’m not overly eager to enter another.”
“Shut up a second and listen. Don’t take the Stillheart tomorrow, and I’ll try to be mildly less annoying so you can cope with the inconvenience. Deal?”
“Why do you care what I take?” His mattress creaked as he turned over.
“Because I’m curious what the real Zafir is like, not the statue Zafir.”
“The real Zafir makes more mistakes.”
“Sounds like he’s human, then. I like humans more than statues.”