Chapter 16
sixteen
I DIDN’T MAKE it to the fourth floor. Instead, I found myself walking out of the elevator, down through the lobby, and out the front doors of the hospital.
I didn’t want to sit in uncomfortable silence with Reid’s parents while they may or may not ask questions that I couldn’t answer.
I didn’t want to have to put on a brave face for them so they wouldn’t worry even more that I was a medic and I was panicking.
And I didn’t want to read the note Reid had given me with anyone else around.
Rain pounded the pavement, forcing me to stay under the awning of the entryway. Leaning against the wall of windows, I let my head fall back as I gulped in humid air. Part of me wanted to read the note immediately, but the other half knew whatever was inside would probably break me.
Right now, the anesthesiologist was up there giving him the drugs that would put him into a deep sleep. I didn’t know how long the surgery would last or when I’d be able to see him after. I didn’t know if he’d wake up and smile at me, if there would be any complications. I didn’t know anything.
I’d never felt more useless in my life.
The folded note burned a hole in my palm. Read it, you chickenshit. Wasn’t that what Mike had always called me when he teased me about Reid? And now, here I was, with him, but too terrified to open a fucking note.
He’d slap me if he saw me.
Carefully, I unfolded the paper, and written in his neat scrawl on the page he’d torn off was a letter.
Ollie,
I know you’re worried. And maybe I am too.
Strike that. I’m a lot worried. There. I admitted it. I’m fucking terrified, but I was trying not to show you.
It doesn’t seem fair that I’m back here, but we haven’t gone through these last few weeks to give up now.
I just found you. I’m not losing you, and I won’t forget you, no matter what happens.
But if, somehow, the worst-case scenario comes true, I need you to promise me you won’t give up on me.
Help me remember.
Help me find my way back to you.
Love,
Your Bluebird
Misty-eyed, I reread the letter once, twice, a dozen more times. I read it again and again until I had it memorized, and then I leaned against the windows again and closed my eyes. Even then I saw his words, and once again I felt the sinking dread of an oncoming disaster that I couldn’t stop.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to clear my mind and focus on the positive. That was the only thing I could control right now.
Everything would be fine.
As the rain let up and eased into a light sprinkle, I pushed off the glass.
I walked down past the parking lot to the sidewalk that ran the perimeter of the huge complex and followed the path.
I needed to walk off my nerves, and I needed the fresh air, neither of which would be found by sitting or pacing in the stuffy, confined waiting room, though I’d head up there soon enough.
I kept an eye on the time, as well as Reid’s phone, in case there was an update and his parents called.
But there wouldn’t be. Not yet. It was too early for that.
An hour passed and darkness fell as I made another loop around the hospital, and I started to get antsy. I couldn’t imagine brain surgery would last only an hour, but what did I know? I wanted to be there when he got out.
A little over two hours in and I finally made my way up to the fourth floor.
As I walked out of the elevator and into the waiting room, Reid’s father looked up from where he sat looking at something on his phone and inclined his head at me before going back to it.
His wife had her eyes closed where she lay on his shoulder, but I had the feeling she wasn’t asleep.
I thought they knew I wanted to be left alone.
Or maybe it was them who wanted to be left alone.
Either way, I was grateful for the silence.
There were several other chairs filled, so I drifted to a corner by the window, where I’d still have a view of the doors whenever the surgeon came out to give us an update. Well, to give his parents an update. I’d be eavesdropping.
Time passed. I stopped checking the time on my phone. Actually, since the battery was near dead, I turned the thing off completely. I’d messaged my boss earlier to let him know what was happening, and he’d filled my spot at work for the next day.
It was some time later when the doors opened and Dr. Boswell walked out. I jumped to my feet as she headed in the direction of Reid’s parents and ran over behind them just in time to see her smile.
“He did well,” Dr. Boswell said. “He did really well.”
The relief I felt almost knocked me to my knees, as she explained in layman’s terms the details of the surgery and what would happen next in terms of recovery. But all I heard was that he was okay.
No, better than okay. He’d done “really well.”
The first smile in hours lifted my lips, and it wasn’t until Reid’s mom laid her hand on my arm that I realized I’d zoned out.
“Go home, Ollie,” she said kindly. “Get some sleep. You can come back and see him first thing in the morning.”
“But—”
“None of us can see him for a while, and these chairs aren’t very comfortable for a nap. I promise I’ll call you if anything changes.”
Dr. Boswell nodded. “A good night’s sleep will do you good. He’ll be fine tonight. Resting, as should all of you.”
I hated that they were right. I couldn’t do anything whether I was here or at home, so with some reluctance, I said, “Okay. I’ve got Reid’s phone, but can I give you my number?”
His mom handed me her phone, and after I’d typed in my digits, she took me by surprise by wrapping her arms tightly around me.
“Thank you,” she said. “For being here now and for looking out for my son. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
I wondered if she’d feel the same way if she knew how I really felt about Reid, but I hugged her back and savored the comfort a mother’s touch could provide. It’d been so long since I’d been hugged like that, and I hadn’t realized how desperately I’d been deprived of it.
“Please get some rest,” she said, giving me one last squeeze before letting go.
How I was supposed to sleep, I didn’t know, but somehow my body knew better than to put up a fight, because as soon as I got home, I collapsed in exhaustion and was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
MY PHONE RANG as the sun came up the next morning, and I answered on the first ring.
“He’s awake,” Reid’s mother said. “I thought you’d like to know.”
“I’m on my way.”
After the quickest shower known to man, I threw on some clothes and was out the door. But as I drove to the hospital, I realized I’d forgotten one important thing, so I turned into the nearest grocery store to remedy that fast. I couldn’t show up to see my man empty-handed, after all.
The ride up the elevator seemed to take longer than the drive had, and I impatiently tapped my foot until the doors slid open.
In the hall I passed Reid’s mother, who let me know she was heading downstairs to grab a bite of breakfast, and I was secretly glad she’d wandered off so Reid and I could have our reunion without watching eyes.
I didn’t know why I was so nervous, but the jittery feeling I’d had all morning wouldn’t leave me as I made my way toward Reid’s room with a vase full of blue hydrangeas and white lilies in my hands.
The door to his room was cracked open, but I gave a quick rap on it anyway before entering.
The lights were off as I walked inside, but the blinds covering the windows were open, letting in the early morning sunlight.
Rounding the corner, I came to a stop when I saw Reid’s eyes closed.
The last thing I wanted to do was wake him, but God, it was so good to see him, even asleep.
I looked around for a place to put the vase, and as I went over to the window, Reid’s eyes flickered open.
“Reid… Oh my God. You have no idea how fucking good it is to see you awake,” I said, and I knew my smile had to be splitting my face, it was so big.
I set the vase down on the table and came over to his bedside.
His hair was shaved back again, and a bandage covered the left side of his head, but he could’ve been stitched up from head to toe and I still would’ve thought he was the most gorgeous human ever to walk the planet.
“Dr. Boswell said you’re doing so well,” I said, reaching for his hand.
I should’ve seen the signs when he opened his eyes and saw me standing there.
I should’ve paid attention, but I was too caught up in my joy over seeing Reid awake and breathing to notice.
It wasn’t until I made the mistake of reaching for his hand and he pulled it back that the ball dropped, along with my stomach.
And it was what he said next that I knew would be burned in my memory for all time. Every time I’d think of it, I’d feel the pain of it again, searing my flesh and taunting me. An open, gaping wound that would never heal.
Life as I knew it ended with three little words, nine letters, three syllables, all coming from the mouth of the man I’d fallen in love with. The one staring up at me with those beautiful brown eyes, marred only by the vacant expression behind them and the slight frown etched between his brows.
“Who are you?”