Chapter 26 #2
I could only stare at her, the woman who had been my rock for my whole life.
The woman who would do anything for anyone and didn’t have a mean bone in her body.
I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt me. I knew it’d been an accident, but I still felt the need to blame someone for all the fuck-ups happening in my life.
And truthfully, now that I’d said my piece, I found the anger dissipating like early morning fog, and in its place—the guilt from lashing out.
God, I’d been such an ass lately. What’s wrong with me?
Sighing, I ran a hand over my hair. “I know, Mom. I don’t mean to take out my frustration on you.”
“Oh, Reid,” she said, scooting to the edge of the couch to rub my arm.
“I don’t pretend to know what’s happening to you right now.
I know you’re confused and upset and taking it out on those closest to you.
I know that, and I can handle it. So if you need to vent and yell, I understand.
If you want to talk, I’m here. If you have questions, I’ll try to help you answer them as best I can.
Things will get easier, baby. Please believe that. ”
I wanted to believe she was telling the truth, that she was all-powerful and could see months and years into the future to know it would all turn out okay.
“If you’d like, why don’t you get dressed and we can run down to Newton’s now and pick out a new piano? The desk has become nothing but a clutter magnet anyway.” She squeezed my arm. “I’m so sorry, Reid. I just assumed since Ollie bought one for you to play, that you’d—”
I flinched and pulled away from her. “He did what?”
She seemed to realize her mistake as soon as she said it. “Oh. Oh dear.”
“He bought me a piano?”
“Well, I…I didn’t realize he had until recently, and—” She stopped and then said a word I hadn’t heard come out of her mouth ever: “Shit.”
My eyes widened. “Did you just say…‘shit’?”
“No,” she said, the look on her face a mixture of mortification and embarrassment. “Of course not.”
A snort of laughter left me then, because holy fuck—my proper, kind mother had cursed, which meant hell must’ve frozen over.
“It’s not funny,” she said, covering her face when I laughed harder. “Don’t tell your father.”
“It’s just a word, Mom. I don’t think it means you’ve cursed your soul for all eternity.” As she continued to shake her head, I rolled the words she’d uttered around in my head. I just assumed since Ollie bought one for you to play…
He bought me a piano?
“Did you…” I started.
“Yes?”
“Did you know about me and…Ollie?”
She looked me in the eye and said, “We never talked about it, but I knew.”
“How?”
“Call it mother’s intuition. You spent a lot of time with him after your accident. You told me he was someone who felt familiar to you, and…I noticed you smiled a lot more when he was in the picture.”
I swore my heart skipped a few beats as I listened to what she was telling me. She knew. She’d known. And somehow, she wasn’t judging me at all. My world tilted on its axis.
“Did Dad know?” I asked.
“It doesn’t matter—”
“Did Dad know, Mom?”
“No. No, I never said anything.”
“Why?”
“Because it wasn’t important,” she said firmly. “You were happy. That’s all that ever matters. That you’re safe and you’re happy.”
“But—”
“No buts, Reid. Why do you think I went to Ollie to help you? It was because I’ve never seen you happier in your entire life than you were in those few weeks. I didn’t need confirmation or details to know what had changed.”
My mouth opened and shut a few times as I processed what she was saying.
I’d been happy? Not only happy, but happier than I’d ever been in my life?
With Ollie? I thought about the memory from this morning, how the words I love you had been on the tip of my tongue, the feeling so strong that it almost overwhelmed me.
And the memory I’d awoken to yesterday, when he’d taken me to a place that looked like something out of The Wizard of Oz, and I’d had a strong feeling of an entirely different sort.
“You’re saying you were okay with me being…being…” I gripped the back of my neck and looked up at the ceiling, as if that would have the answers I was looking for.
“With a man?” Mom said, and my eyes met hers again. There was such love and acceptance in her gaze, and it made my heart constrict. “But Ollie’s not just any man, is he?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
“He never left that waiting room after your surgery. Even when you woke up and had no idea who he was. He waited, and I don’t think he ever gave up hope that you’d find your way back to him.
Then you came home, and he called every single day to check on you.
For over a month, like clockwork, until the doctor told us it was likely you may never remember the weeks you lost. At the time, I thought maybe it was best to focus on what was familiar to you.
Surround you with the people you knew and loved before your accident.
” She shook her head. “But I was wrong to make him stay away. I take full responsibility for my actions, and I’ve apologized to Ollie too. ”
My breaths came out shallow as I rested my head in my hands, trying to combine the worlds that warred in my brain. “I don’t understand how this happened.”
“Sometimes life takes unexpected turns and gives you a good wallop on the head to make you see things clearly—Oh, I didn’t mean your accident, good grief. That was a bad choice of words.”
I chuckled softly. “No offense taken.”
“How do you feel? Things are coming back to you now?”
“Mom, I… I don’t know how to feel.” I twisted my fingers together as I searched for what to say.
“I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was having hallucinations, honest to God. I had no idea I was remembering things that really happened. And now that I know?” I shook my head. “I’m even more lost than I was before.”
“Oh, baby,” she said, and moved over to the couch beside me, holding me close as I held on to her like a life preserver. “I wish I could help you make sense of things. I wish I could make it easy.”
“I can’t decide if it’s a good or bad thing to remember,” I said, my voice muffled in her shirt.
“It doesn’t have to be one or the other. This isn’t something you have to rush to understand overnight. You have all the time in the world to figure out how you want to live your life and who the people are that you want in it.”
“Do I?” I asked, straightening. “Have all the time in the world now?” I found that hard to believe after everything I’d gone through this year.
“Yes. I believe you really do. I think you’ve been given a fresh start. But don’t keep carrying around all this heavy weight and guilt. Don’t drown your mind in alcohol and shut yourself away in here. That’s not you, and that’s never been you.”
My gaze drifted over to the littered countertop. “I know. You’re right.”
“And hey? If you want a piano, we’ll get one. If you decide teaching isn’t for you and you want to try something else, then do it. I won’t try to know what’s best for you anymore, Reid, because I’m getting it wrong at every turn. Only you can figure out what you need to make you happy.”
I hadn’t realized how much I needed to hear those words from her, but they soothed some of the ache in my soul that had been taking a beating since I’d moved back to Floyd Hills, a failure with my tail between my legs.
I wasn’t the same man I’d been then, only a year ago—but the problem was that I had no idea who the hell I was now.
Staying in my apartment for three days hadn’t given me any answers, and it never would.
“Mom, I…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” I admitted. “About Ollie.”
She brushed my hair off my forehead in a tender gesture.
“I know you’re confused. I know this doesn’t make sense to you.
And I know that Ollie expects nothing from you.
He’s not that kind of person. Whether you can find the connection the two of you once shared is entirely up to you, but no matter what, I know that man will be there for you regardless of what you decide.
He could be the best friend you’ll ever have.
” When she blinked, a tear fell down her cheek, and she smiled at me and cupped my face.
“And I think you need that, Reid. I really do.”