Chapter 30
thirty
REID
I COULDN’T SLEEP. I tossed and turned, kicking the covers off, throwing them back on. It was that antsy feeling of wanting something you couldn’t have as your mind raced to figure out a way to make it happen.
With every day I spent with Ollie, it was just another day of trying not to reach for him.
I was guessing he felt the same, since he’d kept our outings public, never taking me back to his place or coming to mine.
Our time at the waterfall the weekend before still weighed heavily on my mind, my lips still tingling from the kiss I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about.
But he hadn’t kissed me again. Not during dinner on Monday, or at the movie theater Tuesday. He’d kept his hands to himself while we jogged beside each other Wednesday, and not seeing him on Thursday when he had to work overtime had been torture. And tonight?
I let out a frustrated sigh and rolled over.
The clock on my nightstand said it was one thirty.
He’d dropped me off only a couple of hours earlier after round two of bowling, in which I’d fared only slightly better than the last time, but already I missed him.
That emotion was something I was coming to terms with—I missed Ollie when he wasn’t around.
I missed the way he laughed. The shy way he ducked his head when I gave him a compliment.
The way he was so damn nice to everyone we came across, from waiters to random people we passed on the street to my parents, who’d come out to say hello on our jog.
Even when he didn’t say a word, his presence was a constant comfort, and I wished there was a way to tell him, to show him that I wanted him around.
I needed him around, and that truth should’ve knocked me over like a ton of bricks, but instead, that revelation was…
freeing. Falling for him again had been so effortless that I hadn’t even realized it was happening, and somehow I knew that even if I’d never remembered moments from our time together before, I would’ve still come to this conclusion right here, right now.
As I’d gotten to know him again, things had…
changed. It didn’t matter that I’d never been with a guy before him.
That no longer intimidated me or gave me pause.
It wasn’t about his gender at all, even though I’d been surprised at first at how powerfully my body reacted to the very male parts of his, parts I now craved to feel and touch.
To me, he was just Ollie, my Ollie, the person who lit up the world around him with vibrant color, and yet he had no idea the effect he had on others…
on me. No clue how special he was. Hell, the only fault I found with him was the fact that he was giving me too much space, when all I wanted to do was get close to him.
And if I’d learned anything over the past few months, it was that you never knew when your time was up or when your life would change.
It felt like it had taken forever to get to this moment, but somehow, I’d fallen for Ollie again, and I didn’t want to waste another day without letting him know exactly what he had come to mean to me.
I reached for my phone and pulled up a new text message. He was probably sleeping, but if he wasn’t…
Are you awake?
Almost immediately, he wrote back:
You caught me. How are you still up?
Can’t sleep.
Everything okay?
Was thinking about you.
Ohh. Good thoughts?
VERY good thoughts…
Care to share?
Oh, I want to share, all right, I thought, as an idea took hold. I opened my Uber app to see there was a car less than five minutes away, so I hit confirm pickup and threw on some shorts and a shirt. Then I quickly brushed my teeth and headed downstairs.
Did you fall back asleep? Damn tease.
Sorry. Got lost in those thoughts again.
That’s awfully selfish to keep it to yourself, Bluebird.
My skin tingled as I read over the nickname, and when the driver pulled up, I climbed inside the back seat, not up for conversation.
Who said I’d be keeping it to myself?
…I’m waiting.
I was thinking about whether or not you sleep naked.
Three dots appeared, then disappeared, then popped up again, like he kept erasing what he wrote.
I’ll tell you, but I’m curious what your conclusion was.
I remember very clearly that you never wore anything…at least when I was over.
You’re right. What else do you remember?
The sounds you make when you come. You always said my name, and it was hot as hell.
FUCK.
I remember that too. ;)
Christ, Reid. I think you’re trying to kill me.
The driver pulled up in front of Ollie’s house, and as I got out of the car, my dick pulsed in time with my heartbeat.
Not yet. Will you do me a favor?
I’m already touching myself.
Oh fuck.
Open your door.
Open my door? Why?
Less than thirty seconds later, Ollie did just that, and the astonishment on his face when he saw me standing on his porch was priceless.
“I thought we could talk about this in person instead,” I said, a smile turning up one side of my mouth.
As he stood there frozen, my eyes swept over him.
His wavy hair was slightly mussed on top, maybe from tossing and turning on his pillow, the same as I had, and he was bare-chested, though a fine sheen of sweat covered his pecs, like I’d just caught him in the middle of a workout.
My kind of workout, I thought, looking down to see a pair of thin boxers peeking out from the unbuttoned jeans that sat low on his hips.
It didn’t do a thing to cover his arousal, and it had my desire amping up.
“Are you gonna stand there staring, or are you gonna let me in?” I said.
Still in shock, it took him a second to move aside so that I could come in.
“Good surprise?” I asked, as he shut the door.
“You have no idea.”
“Oh, I think I have some idea,” I said, glancing down at the way his erection hadn’t subsided. Yes, coming over was a very good decision…
“And that’s exactly why I haven’t invited you over here before.”
Oh…oh shit. So…bad idea?
“Would you rather I leave?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No. I don’t want you to leave. Trust me, that’s the last thing I want.”
“But…?”
“But Reid… I’m not sure I trust myself around you if we’re alone.”
There. That was exactly the reaction I’d been hoping for. The look of longing was clear as day on Ollie’s face as he held himself back, like he thought it was the right thing to do, when it was not at all what I wanted. Not anymore.
Even though the plan had been to launch myself at him, I needed to set his mind at ease. I wanted him to know exactly where I stood, and that me coming over wasn’t some hair-trigger decision I’d regret in the morning.
Giving him some space, I turned and walked down the hall, and when I saw the piano sitting lonely in the corner, I headed straight for it.
“You bought this for me,” I said, remembering what my mom had told me.
“Yes.”
“For me,” I murmured, spreading my hands out over the top. “Because you wanted to make me happy. Because you believe in me.” I looked up. “Because you…care…about me?”
He stared at me and then nodded, and when he did, a slow melody filled my mind. I walked over and lifted the fallboard. Standing there, I played the notes as I heard them.
“That’s my favorite,” Ollie said quietly.
“You know this one?”
He nodded and came toward me. “You’ve played it for me before.”
“I have?” I played a little more, and the song that came out was a tender love song, sweeter than any I could recall. “This reminds me of you.”
“You said that too.”
I looked up. “I wrote it for you?”
He only smiled, but that smile unlatched something inside me. Something that was ready to belong to someone else. My heart.
“Ollie, I…I’ve never felt this way before.
Not about anyone, and certainly not about a man,” I said.
“That’s part of the reason why I held back from you even though I knew the way you made me feel.
I couldn’t understand why I looked at you differently, but it all makes sense now.
The memories I’ve been having lately, of our time together before my surgery…
I felt so… I don’t know. Almost carefree.
Which is strange, because I should’ve been anything but.
” I looked down at where my fingers still moved across the keys, almost of their own accord. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Did it seem like I was happy to you after my accident? Not remembering? Having a fresh slate. No baggage to weigh you down or keep you up all night?”
He took his time answering. “It certainly seemed that way. You still struggled, so it wasn’t easy.
You had worries for different reasons. I will say that it always surprised me how easygoing you were, and how open you seemed, not only to me, but navigating your new normal.
But were you happier? I can’t answer that for you, but from the outside looking in, you came off that way. ”
“I’ve thought about that a lot over the last couple of weeks.
Because the thing about remembering is that you also remember everything that’s been ingrained in you for years.
Everything others say is right or wrong, habits you’ve picked up, whether good or bad.
Memories can make you realize how unhappy you were.
And before my accident? I was miserable. ”
Ollie’s eyes were full of sympathy as he leaned against the side of the piano.
“That’s what waking up after surgery was like,” I said. “Like I’d had the most incredible dream only to find out it wasn’t real. It wasn’t until you came around that my world came back to life.”
He sucked in a breath, and I stopped playing and folded my arms on top of the piano.
“Do you want to know what I’m more upset about than anything?” I said.
“Tell me.”