Chapter 26
DALTON
“So, does Sage know then?” Brett looks over at me as we pull up outside of a desolate, dusty-looking motel.
“She knows that I’ve come to see Toby’s mom. She doesn’t know the entire story.”
He nods. “I see. That’s good.”
“Is it?” I say, wondering if he is right.
Maybe Sage is better off, not knowing the truth about any of this.
“Sage and Rosie, they’re really nice girls,” he says. “They’re sweet, they’re innocent, they’re vulnerable. You’ve been mixed up in a lot—and me too. And we bring darkness into their lives that they don’t need. They don’t need to see the other side of this world like we’ve seen it.”
He has a point.
“But anyway, we’re here,” he says. He turns to me. “Let me do the talking when we get in.”
“I know how to handle myself, Brett. You forget, I’m Dalton Leone.”
“I know, and I would never forget. I also know how much of a hothead you can be, and she’s a user. I don’t know if she’s still using or not, but I don’t know what we’re going to see. She only agreed to meet up with me for one thousand dollars. I don’t know what that thousand dollars is for.”
“I’ll let you deal with it when we get in, but I’m not going to keep quiet—you know that, Brett.”
“I know.” He sighs. “Come on. Let’s go. She’s in room nine.”
We slide out of the car, and I look around. I see a couple of guys hanging out in the parking lot, but I don’t say anything. I don’t make eye contact. I follow Brett up the stairs until we reach room nine. He knocks, and we wait. My heart is thudding. I can’t believe that I’m here finally.
“Shit, is she not here?” I look at my watch, and he knocks again.
“She’s here. She’ll answer.” He calls out, “Louisa.” Nothing. He bangs again, louder, and shouts, “Louisa, it’s Brett.”
Finally, the door opens. A pale woman with stringy brown hair stands before us, her wide, gaunt eyes fixed on us. She looks at Brett and then looks at me, and she gives us a toothless grin.
“You got the money?” she asks.
Brett nods.
“Come in before they see you. I don’t want them taking my money. You got any dope on you?” she asks hopefully.
I shake my head, and so does Brett.
We step inside to the decrepit motel room. There’s trash all over the ground. The bed is unmade, and there’s a musty smell.
I can’t stop myself from asking her, “You live here?”
She shakes her head. “About two hours away. Kid’s with the grandma. I just need a hit, you know?” She looks at me and blinks. “You the guy that has the stuff?”
I stare at her and don’t say anything.
Brett motions for her to sit down. “Louisa, we wanted to speak to you about Toby.”
“Who the hell is Toby?” she says, eyes darting around the room. “Where’s my money?”
Brett looks over at me. “Louisa, you know why we’re here, right?”
“Look, for my money. You’re here for my money. Wait, no, you’re here to give me money.” She looks frantic, picking at her nails.
“I am Dalton,” I say. Brett looks over at me, and I ignore him. “I’m Dalton Leone. I’m the man who adopted Toby.”
“Who the hell is Toby?” she says, glaring at me.
But I can see from the way her expression changed that she knows who he is.
“He’s your son, Louisa. Your son with Igor.”
“Don’t talk to me about that motherfucker,” she says loudly. “He ruined my life.”
I stare at her. “He’s doing well—Toby is. I’m his adopted father. I’ve had custody of him for—”
“Where’s my money?” she cuts me off.
She really doesn’t care. I don’t know what I expected, but this wasn’t it.
“He’d really like a mother in his life.” As I say it, I look at her and know she’s in no fit state to be a mother to him or to anyone else. “I can help you if you want to get clean, if you …”
“Where the hell is my money?” She looks over at Brett.
He sighs and hands her a bag. She opens it eagerly, greedily, and sinks to the ground as she sees all that cash.
“Thank you, God. I needed this.”
“About Toby,” I say.
Finally, she looks over at me. “What do you want to talk about, Mr. Black Leather Shoes? You adopted my son. So what? You have him. He’s yours. What more do you want from me?”
“I want to make sure you’re going to be okay. I want to facilitate a relationship between you and Toby. If that’s something you want. We spent a really long time trying to find you. As you know, Igor was a member of the Russian Mafia.”
“I knew he was Russian. I knew he was Mafia.” She shrugs. “I didn’t love him. He just gave me what I wanted when I needed it, and he took the boy. I gave him the boy. I didn’t care. I don’t want him. I’ve got other rugrats to take care of.”
“But he’s your son.”
She stares at me. “You know, when I was a little girl, I thought I would get married and live a happy life. I thought I would be so joyful, like the perfect little wife, and that’s just not me.
I like to get high. I don’t know life without it.
Igor—I didn’t love him. I didn’t even realize I was pregnant half the time.
And to tell the truth, when he died, I was happy to hear that.
He wasn’t a good guy. Only a couple of times in my life I felt bad.
And it wasn’t when Igor died. It was when he took my son, not because I wanted the boy back, but because I knew he’d be another Igor, and the world didn’t need another Igor.
I don’t know you from Adam, but the fact that you’re here, the fact that you speak about my Toby, it tells me he’s better with you than with me. ”
“He’d love to know you as his mom if you were clean,” I say.
Brett is staring at me, his lips pressed together. He’s not saying anything, but he knows, like I do inside, that this conversation is going nowhere.
“He don’t need me in his life. I’ve tried to get clean, you know,” she says. “I’ve tried, and it don’t make no difference. I ain’t got nothing to live for.”
“You’ve got Toby. You’ve got your other kids.”
“I don’t have anyone.”
“Listen to me, Louisa. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.
And in any other circumstance, I would walk away.
I am legally Toby’s father. I’m legally his caretaker.
I’m his guardian, and I love him. I was there when Igor died—I saw him die—and I swore that I would take care of that little boy.
And you’re his mom, and I want to be able to look him in the eyes one day and tell him that I did everything I could for you. ”
“You don’t even know me,” she says. “Why do you care?”
“I think that’s the thing about life,” I say softly.
“When you love someone, you’ll do anything for the people they love, and I love Toby.
He might not be my blood, but he’s my boy, and you’re his mom.
Brett and I want to try and help. We want to get you into a facility.
You said your kids are with your mom. Is she sober? ”
“Yeah. She don’t even like me seeing the kids. She thinks I’m a bad influence. She can barely feed them, but she does her best. I guess I could give her some of this money.”
“If you are okay with it, I can try and get them some help while you get help.”
“I can’t take Toby back. I just—”
“Toby’s my son, and he will always be my son, and I’m not giving him up. That’s not why I’m here. I have to atone for my sins, and Igor’s death is my own fault.” I pause as I see her eyes drifting off. “Well, that doesn’t matter. I just want to make sure that you’re okay as best as we can.”
She falls back onto the bed and pulls her dress up. “Who wants to go first?”
“No, it’s not like that.” Brett shifts next to me. “She’s gone, Dalton. We should leave.”
“She’s his mom.”
I stare at him, and he nods.
My heart breaks for her that she thinks this is a transaction, like we want to take from her like every other man has. I wish she knew I was better. That I wasn’t that man. I wish she knew I could be chosen against the bear, but I don’t blame her for thinking we are just like the others.
“It’s not like that, Louisa. I promise. We just want to help you.”
She sits up, looking dazed and scared, and my mind races to Sage. To my darling, trusting Sage. To the man she would want me to be. To how I would want her treated.
“We’re here for you, Louisa. We’re not going to let anyone else hurt you.”
I was made to be a protector—I know that. And I realize at that moment that my care and concern isn’t just for those I love.
“Okay, ma’am, you’re going to come with me.”
“What? You’re not taking me anywhere, you—”
“Louisa,” he says. “You want to feel happy again, like you did when you were a kid before you were doped up?”
She stares for just a second, and then she starts crying. “I ain’t never going to feel like that again. Not a day in my life.”
“Let’s just try and see, okay?” He grabs her hand and pulls her up.
“Sometimes in life, you see the deepest and the darkest, and you don’t think you’re ever going to get out of that, but sometimes, you see a light, and you realize it doesn’t have to be dark forever.
” His voice trails off, and I wonder what he’s talking about, but I don’t ask him.
She holds on to his hands and shakes her head. “Fancy that. You two handsome men come in to save me, come in to look after little me, and I don’t even deserve it.”
“We all deserve a second chance,” Brett says. “Do you mind if we drop her off somewhere, Dalton?”
I shake my head.
“Are you going to come with us, Louisa?”
“What choice do I have?” she says. “You ain’t bringing me no dope.”
I chuckle even though I’m not feeling like laughing, and we leave the motel.
“Is there anything you want to bring?”
“I ain’t got nothing here,” she says as we walk out and down to my car, which I’m happy to note hasn’t been touched.
Brett slides into the back seat with her, and I slide into the front.
“Where are we going?” I ask him.
“If you don’t mind, drop me off at my place. I’ll put her in my Jeep. I have some friends who owe me some favors. We can get her in a center to try and detox her. Some new detoxes that they’re doing with new drugs that help. The least we can do is try, right?”
“Thank you, Brett.”
“It’s okay. I respect a man who does what he can to help.”
I start the car, and I drive away. I feel sad for Louisa, and I feel sad for Toby. I feel guilty that Toby doesn’t have a father or a mother, and that’s not necessarily my fault, but in some ways, it is.
“You look serious up there,” Louisa sleepily says from the back seat. “You should know something, Dalton,” she says.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t blame you for Igor dying, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either. He had it coming to him. There was plenty of men after him. Plenty. You just happened to be the man who took him out.”
“I didn’t take him out,” I say. Although, technically, those words are true, it was my fault that he was gone. “Thank you, though, for saying that. I appreciate it, Louisa.”
“Thank you for looking after my little boy. I lied, you know?” she says softly from the back seat, and I can see that she’s crying.
“What do you mean?”
“I lied when I said I never loved him. The very first time I saw his face, my heart, it expanded. It grew, and I felt true love for the fourth time in my life. The first three times belong to my three older kids, and I thought if I could just be a good mother, but then the next day, I just couldn’t seem to get my act together.
You’re a good dad. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t, and I want you to know that.
I want you to know I’m thankful to you, no matter what happens.
And Toby, well, he’s lucky to have you.”
“Thank you,” I tell her.
“I don’t want to go. Let me out,” She’s screaming and banging on the windows. “You’re kidnapping me. Let me out.”
I look into the rearview, and I see Brett grabbing her hand and stroking it as she screams. He nods at me, and I keep driving.
“We’re going to get you help, Louisa. I promise.” I speak into the darkness as Brett murmurs something in her ear, reassuring her that she’ll be okay.
I’ve never seen this part of him before. It makes me wonder what he’s seen in his life. More darkness than me, I’m sure, and yet he doesn’t show it.
Louisa eventually falls asleep, and I turn on the radio.
Brett sits there, saying nothing, and all I can think is that maybe she was right.
Maybe in this twisted game of life, I did something that was honorable that didn’t benefit me.
Even though it didn’t feel that way. I still felt like I was paying for my sins.
My mind starts thinking about Sage, and I know I have to tell her.
I want to tell her everything, the truth.
I don’t know how she’ll react or feel, but I need her to know I’m not just this grumpy, charming saboteur who’s ruined her dating life and loves to make love to her.
I’m a man with a past—a dark past that I’m trying to get over—but I want to give her the chance to decide whether or not she can be with someone like me, whether or not she can kiss someone like me, whether or not she can look beyond the man that I once was.