14. Colter
CHAPTER 14
COLTER
I ’m lying on my back with Poppy’s naked body pressed against my side. We got home, showered, and after I convinced her pajamas were a waste of time, we lay down to cuddle, still trying to recoup from the sex we had at Makeout Point.
Poppy sighs happily next to me, and I hold her tighter. “I had a good time tonight.”
She presses her body against me, threading her leg with mine. “Me too. Davis and Abby’s kids are adorable.”
I yawn. “Yeah, they’re good kids.”
She’s quiet, and then her voice is a little stilted. “Have you thought about it?”
I lean my cheek against her head. “Thought about what?”
She turns her head so I can feel her breath against my neck. “About having kids of your own.”
I tense, and it’s like a punch in the gut. “No. Absolutely not. I’m not having kids.”
She gasps and sits up to look at me. “Why not?”
I cover my face with my arm. I’m trying to keep my tone indifferent, but I can’t help but let it go all through me. It’s just a reminder of all the things I can’t have. “I’m not talking about this.”
Poppy puts her hand on my chest. “Colter, you introduced me as your girlfriend. We’re dating. I think this is something a boyfriend and girlfriend talk about, don’t you?”
I lower my arm. “I can’t.”
Her eyes widen. “You can’t… you mean, you can’t have children?”
I shake my head. “No, I mean, I can have kids.”
She throws a hand up, trying to understand. “But what? You don’t want to?”
I sit up next to her, and the sheet slides to my waist. “I do want kids. I want a family. But I shouldn’t have one.”
She stutters, “Shouldn’t have one? I saw you tonight with Alexis and DJ, and if there’s anyone that should have kids, it’s you.”
I sit on the edge of the bed, holding my head in my hands. “You don’t understand.”
She moves next to me and puts an arm around me. “Explain it to me, Colter. I want to understand.”
I lift my eyes to look at her. I want her to see how much I want kids but also why I can’t. “Honey, listen. Kids need a good dad.”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “Why do you think you wouldn’t be a good dad?”
I lift my head up and look at the ceiling. All the emotions are coming to the surface, and all I want to do is tamp them down. “They deserve a normal dad.”
She gasps and snaps her head back. “Colter.”
I hold a hand up. “Stop. Nothing is going to change that, Poppy. I am who I am, and yes, it’s manageable, but no kid should have to explain why their dad is just not right. Kids deserve a dad that is whole.”
She pushes my shoulder so I have to look at her. “So you’re saying that Davis, Jason, Kanan, and Elias shouldn’t have kids?”
I shake my head. “What? No! Of course not.”
“So why are you different?”
I stand up and pace across the room. I can’t think straight with her touching me. My stutter comes back, and I want to punch a wall. “I, I just am.”
She walks over toward me. She’s holding her hand out toward me, and even though she doesn’t touch me, I feel calmer knowing that she’s here and not walking away from me. She gestures to her hand. “Take my hand, Colter.”
I put my hands on my hips. “You can’t convince me that I should be a father.”
She holds her hand up higher. “Colter, I’m not going to try and convince you of anything. I’m going to talk to you, and you’re going to listen.”
I can’t reject her when she’s looking at me the way she is. I reach for her hand and thread our fingers together. She pulls me back to the center of the room and pushes me back on the bed. She straddles my lap, putting her knees on each side of my thighs.
I put my hands on her bare hips. “You don’t play fair, Poppy.”
She presses her breasts to my chest, and I let my hands slide to her ass and hold her to me. My cock is rock hard between us, but neither one of us is doing anything about it at this moment.
“I watched you tonight, and I know that you’d be a great dad. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their father.”
I shrug. “Poppy, do you not see the real me? Because the real me is not pretty. It’s painful, ugly…” I shake my head, unable to finish.
She reaches for my chin and raises it so I have no choice but to look at her. “There’s nothing ugly about you, Colter. You have the best heart of anyone I know. All that matters to a kid is that you love them.”
For the first time since the bombing, I let myself think what it would be like to have children. I always thought I would be a father, but after the accident, I gave up all hope of that. As I look at Poppy, I let myself think about little kids with brown hair and big blue eyes, and I want it more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.
Without breaking eye contact, I tell her what I’m thinking. “Poppy, even if I changed my mind, no one would want to have kids with me.”
She loops her arms around my neck and smiles. “I would.”
I let out a harsh breath. Two words have never had this kind of impact on me, and right now they have me losing my mind. Everything I gave up on and with two words, Poppy makes me believe it may be possible. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I love her and convince her to be my wife. The only thing that’s holding me back besides the fact it’s all happening so quickly is that there are some things she still doesn’t know about me.
So since I can’t tell her right now, I sure as hell can show her.
I stand up, holding her to me, and then turn to lay her down on the bed. I put everything I’m feeling into the kiss, and with our lips meshed together, she makes me feel that maybe, just maybe, I can be whole.
I break off the kiss as she wraps her legs around my waist. She searches my face. “I need you, Colter.”
I brush the hair off her face. “I’m yours,” I tell her.
And then I show her, over and over, just how much I need her and want her, and hopefully she knows that I’m never going to let her go.