Chapter 9
Cole
I’M THE ASSHOLE
Ialmost fucking kissed her.
I was about to volunteer as tribute for the very noble task of giving Ariana her first orgasm.
What the actual fuck is wrong with me? With her brothers literally a few yards away.
Not that I’m shaking in my boots over the Ledger brothers, but I respect them enough not to maul their baby sister like she’s some meaningless hookup.
I don’t even know what happened. It was like I was possessed. Like I wasn’t even myself. Like I wasn’t thinking with my goddamn brain.
I wish I could blame alcohol, but I haven’t had so much as a drop.
Seeing Kennedy just now, cuddled up with her ex, did mess me up for a second, only adding fuel to Whitney’s not-so-harmless comments. Not because I’m jealous, but because, for the first time, I’m starting to doubt my own beliefs.
And that’s not a road I’m interested in going down.
I’m the guy you have fun with for a while before moving on to someone who actually wants the life you’re building toward. I might not be the one you marry, but I’ll be the one you think about when you’re lying awake, remembering who made you come the hardest.
I like being that guy. Or at least, I used to.
Now there’s all this noise in my head, making me question why I’ve been so set on staying noncommittal.
I need to get past it, because I can’t give someone a future. I made that decision a long time ago. A wife and kids—the whole white-picket-fence dream—it’s not for me.
It’s not that I don’t like kids. I love my nephew. I’d die for that kid.
But one of my own? Not a chance in hell.
I saw what losing a child did to my parents. It destroyed them, wrecked our family so completely the rest of us barely registered after Miles’s accident.
I won’t bring a kid into this world just to risk watching history repeat itself.
So I keep things casual. Because it’s always worked.
But then there’s Ariana, who has absolutely no idea the kind of power she could have if she ever decided to use it.
But she’s the opposite of casual. She’s young and inexperienced with so much life ahead of her, and it’s clear she’s the kind of woman you get serious with. The kind you marry. The kind you don’t touch unless you’re prepared to make it permanent.
But fuck if I’m not tempted to do a hell of a lot more than just touch her.
Overhearing Ariana’s conversation with Layla was probably the worst thing that could’ve happened. It’s opened up a door I’m incapable of closing.
She looked dangerous tonight, showing a little more skin than usual. Nothing scandalous by most standards, but on her it may as well have been lingerie. I practically salivated like a starving man.
I’m the asshole imagining all the ways I could ruin her innocence. All the ways I could make her fall apart beneath me, again and again, until she forgets how to do anything but say my name.
And the worst part is it’s exactly how wrong it is that makes me want her more.
Ariana Ledger is about as off-limits as a woman can get.
Forbidden.
Untouchable.
I can’t go on like this. Something has to be done.
“You okay, man?” Ethan asks, concern etched across his forehead as we stand by the bar. Or maybe it’s irritation. He’s not the easiest guy to read.
A pang of guilt strikes, strong enough that I struggle to meet his eyes. If Ethan knew all the inappropriate thoughts I was having about his little sister, I think he’d actually kill me. He’s the only one of the crew I’m convinced could be a serial killer.
After Ariana left the patio, I stayed out there a few minutes longer, trying to get my head on straight before rejoining the guys.
Ethan and I golfed earlier today, and as we were finishing up our round, he invited me to come out with him and his brothers.
It was surprising, given how much Ethan hates anything involving crowds, but I was eager for a distraction.
Little did I know the person I was trying to distract myself from would be here too.
My gaze drifts to Ariana, dancing with the girls, before I clear my throat and try to pull myself together. “I think I’m going to take off,” I tell him. “Feeling a little queasy.”
It’s not entirely a lie. I feel like shit.
I don’t want to want Ariana. I don’t want this feeling at all.
Ethan accepts my flimsy excuse, and I make a swift exit, but not before sneaking one last look at the only woman I can’t have.
Bill Benton is a hardass.
I love my dad. I respect my dad. But sometimes I don’t like him very much.
Before the accident, he was different—warmer, more attentive with us kids. He used to be a goofball, which is hard to believe now as he watches me with a hardened expression. Whatever softness he once possessed died a long time ago.
The only time I catch a glimpse of the man he used to be is when he’s with Danny. But more often than not, he’s unrecognizable. That person only exists in my memories.
I don’t usually make it a habit to talk business on the weekends, but my dad likes to stay informed. Seeing as I made some significant decisions today, I figure he’ll appreciate the transparency.
After I finish my spiel, he sits silently, observing me. He’s quiet long enough for the collar of my T-shirt to feel too tight, almost suffocating. A lifetime of constantly seeking his approval and never meeting his expectations has done more than fuck me up.
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think anything I do will ever be good enough.
The consequences of being born the spare, not the heir.
“Well, are you happy with the decision?” he asks finally.
No.
Despite my knee-jerk reaction, I nod my head yes. I’m not pleased with my own solution in the slightest, but in the end it’s what’s best. And what’s best isn’t always easy—just necessary.
“I think it’s great.” He smiles, which throws me a bit. “Better to focus on the bigger picture.”
I huff a laugh, almost in disbelief. I’d been prepared for a lecture about how, once again, I’m ruining the family business.
Now I’m suspicious about what his angle must be.
“Is that all?” I ask hesitantly.
He relaxes a little more in his seat. “Now that Jack has retired from Ledger, we’ve been spending more time together.
Two old guys who spent their careers competing, and now we laugh about it.
I see the way he is with Ethan—how he’s much more hands-off than I’ve been—and they seem to be having a great year.
I’m starting to think it might be time to take a page out of Jack’s book and stop hovering so much. Might do us both some good, huh?”
I think I might’ve stepped into an alternate dimension, because surely I didn’t just hear my dad compliment Jack Ledger and, in the same breath, agree with me.
“Don’t look so surprised.” He chuckles. “This old dog can still learn a thing or two.”
“I don’t know about that.” A strained laugh slips out of me—one I’m sure Nora or Wyatt or Blake would assume meant our dad was in the middle of torturing me.
He claps me on the back as he leaves, and I barely register the rest of the exchange. Shocked is an understatement.
Still, I’m afraid to let my guard down with whatever version of my dad that was. Because he could just as easily revert back to the man he usually is.
Now that he’s gone and I’m left alone in the silence of my oversized house, I’m forced to confront the real reason behind my decisions today. I wish I could say they were made for the good of the company, but the truth is a hell of a lot more selfish.
I did what needed to be done to stop myself from getting in any deeper with Ariana. I don’t have the option of getting her out of my system the way I’ve always been able to with other women.
Our moment on the patio came dangerously close to crossing lines we wouldn’t be able to come back from. The last thing I want is to lead her on—or hurt her.
Though I’m not even sure she realized how close we actually were. How our bodies shifted without either of us noticing. How she ended up barely a breath away from me. How it would’ve taken nothing more than a slight tilt of my head to crash my mouth into hers.
I can still picture her bright blue eyes, hooded, but fixed completely on me. The sweet scent of sugar on her skin drifting between us. For a moment it felt like the rest of the world had disappeared, like there was nothing and no one but us.
Until Layla dragged us both crashing back down to reality.
Maybe Ariana can walk away from that like nothing was happening between us. Maybe it really is as one-sided as I suspect.
Either way, I know I’m not capable of pretending she isn’t stirring up feelings in me I don’t need—or want.
I’m also not the kind of man someone like her should be around.
She’s exactly the kind of woman who deserves everything and more, and my wanting her doesn’t outweigh the fact that I’m not good for her.
Removing myself from the situation is the right thing to do.
Even if it feels completely fucking wrong.