Chapter 60 Jillian
JILLIAN
“Hello, darkness, my old friend / I’ve come to talk with you again”
— “The Sound of Silence” by Simon REMAINS FOUND AFTER 18 YEARS
An Exclusive Investigation by Jillian Pierce
There’s my photo next to the byline. I’m smiling in it, which is kinda amazing, seeing as how I no longer remember ever smiling in my entire life and I’m pretty damn sure I’m never going to smile again.
Beneath it sprawls three thousand words of jaw-dropping revelations about Lukas and Elena and the NYPD’s intention to arrest him on suspicion of murder.
It’s the biggest story of my career.
And I feel… nothing.
I should be thrilled. I should be calling people, opening champagne, doing a victory lap around Macy’s cramped living room in my socks. This is what I wanted. This is what I fought for. This is the thing I chose over Kir, over us, over everything.
But nope. There’s nothing. I am the void, and the void is me.
My phone buzzes. It’s a text from Doug.
Congratulations.
Before I can formulate an answer, it buzzes again. And again. From there, it doesn’t stop. Colleagues, press contacts, cable news producers inviting me onto their morning shows, more numbers I don’t recognize.
I ignore all of them.
Instead, I call Rae.
She needs to know about this if she hasn’t seen it already.
Like me, she’s in the middle of a shitstorm, but unlike me, she’s innocent and clueless.
God, I’ve ruined so many lives in one fell swoop.
Was it worth it? Am I the most selfish woman on the planet?
Or did I do the right thing, the ethical thing, the thing a murdered woman deserved?
Did I bring justice to this world? Or did I just inflict my misery on everyone I share it with?
Whatever the answer, I don’t get to explain anything to Rae. The line rings a few times and goes to voicemail. Her recorded greeting is the same one she’s had since college. “Hey, it’s Rae, leave me a message and I’ll call you back. Probably. Eventually. No promises.”
I hang up and call again. This time, when it sends me to voicemail, I’m a little more ready.
“Rae, I’m sorry.” I pause, sniffle, and swallow.
“All I ask is that, when you see it… please don’t hate me, okay?
Please don’t. I love you. It’s just… It’s just that there’s so much I haven’t told you.
So much I’ve been carrying around for years, and I should’ve let you in, but I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that, too.
” I press the phone harder against my ear.
“Remember sophomore year, when I disappeared? And how I refused to explain when I got back? I mean, of course you know, but… yeah. The point is, something happened to me before I left. A guy at a party. He—”
I stop to collect myself, then dive in.
“He assaulted me, Rae. I was drunk and stupid, and I went back to his room and he held me down. I couldn’t—I just couldn’t do anything.
I went blank. Like somebody pulled the plug on me.
I didn’t tell anyone after it happened. Not even you.
I wanted to. But every time I’d get close to saying the words, I’d clam up.
I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle being the girl that that happened to. ”
I wipe my dripping nose and power on. “It got worse, though. Because I got pregnant. I found out about six weeks after, and I just had to go. I packed a bag and drove upstate until I found a clinic near Poughkeepsie. I waitressed at a diner until I was too big to carry trays. And then I had her.”
Her. I never say that word out loud. Not to anyone.
“A girl. She was a girl, Rae. Red face and balled-up fists and she was screaming. They put her on my chest and she was so warm. I held her and I kissed her head and she smelled like... I don’t know how to describe it. Clean. Brand new. Pure and untainted. And then I gave her away.”
My face crumples. I press my fist against my mouth and wait until the worst of it passes.
“I gave her to a family in New Jersey. A good family. That’s what the agency said, anyway.
Good people, stable home, two parents who actually wanted a baby and could give her everything I couldn’t.
I was so scared and the person who put her inside me was a monster, so I convinced myself it was the right thing to do.
I’ve been telling myself that every single day for five years, but I still don’t know if I believe it.
“After that, I came home and I put on a smile. I begged you not to ask, and you, God bless you, you didn’t.
You just hugged me and let me back in, and that was everything, Rae.
That was everything.” I suck in a deep, shuddering breath.
“I haven’t been with anyone since. Not until recently.
Five years of no physical contact. I wanted it so badly it made me crazy.
But my body just wouldn’t cooperate. Every time someone got close, I’d bail before it went anywhere.
Everybody thinks I’m this sexually liberated woman who dates around and hooks up without apology, and none of it is real.
It’s all bullshit. Every single bit of it.
“Or at least, it was. Then I met someone. And I fell in love with him. He’s the worst possible person I could’ve fallen in love with, and you’re going to be furious when you find out who it is, which I more than deserve.
Because I fell in love with Kir Lazarev.
The same Kir Lazarev whose family I just destroyed.
He’s going to hate me forever, just like you, and I earned every ounce of it.
So now, I’m left here, all alone, wondering if any single choice I made along the way here was worth it.
Or if the path to my personal hell was simply paved with good intentions, but there are no exits on this highway, and I was only ever headed in one direction: down. ”
Only when I’m finally out of things to say do I pull the phone away from my ear—and realize that I’ve been talking to no one for minutes now. The voicemail time limit was reached a long time ago.
This was a confession for me and me alone. Me, still trapped in the locked room of my heart.
Guess I’ll be stuck in here forever.