Chapter Twenty-Four #2
All I could muster, though, was the bluntest phrasing. “You were on your break. You hooked up with a guy. Now you have to go back.” Three short sentences that summed up a summer.
“Was this just a hook-up for you?”
I couldn’t hide the bitterness that had crept into my voice. “Does what I thought it was really matter?”
Kai sighed; sank his head between his knees, forehead almost touching his coffee mug.
“I thought you were being obtuse. Like, I really thought this was all what you’d wanted,” he said, flatly.
Sat up, then, still staring down at the valley splayed ahead of us.
“But I just realized, this is what life actually looks like, isn’t it, through that fucked-up Tate prism.
Where you push everything and everyone away, because you can’t imagine them wanting to be there with you in the first place. ”
There was a pressure building behind my eyes. The almighty headache of all headaches. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” I told him. “I’m trying my best.”
He laughed. Loud, and sharp, and sudden; enough to shake me.
“Your ‘best’? Jesus, Tate, your ‘best’ is holding me at arm’s length from day one, and trying to push me even further away than that today. Do you even have the faintest idea of what I want?”
I grit my teeth until my jaw ached. Slapped down the empty mug on the deck not caring if it shattered, then turned to him, feeling furious and bereft.
“So what do you want? What is it you could possibly want, Kai?”
“I want you to want to be with me, like I want to be with you!” he shouted.
Ran his hand across his face, shoulders almost shaking with choked-down emotion.
“I want you to stop ignoring the fact that we had something starting - something real - over the past couple of months, and not to just tear that up and send me ‘back to school’ like I’m some kid, and you know what’s fucking best for me. ”
He spread his arms out wide, daring me to look at him.
“You’re so busy rejecting yourself, you can’t even begin to recognize when someone might want to be a part of your life. Why can’t you see me, Tate? Why can’t you see me?”
I shook my head, tears biting at my eyes. Words, much less anything more than them, failing me.
When he spoke again, Kai’s voice was calmer. More grounded than before.
“Tate, just answer me honestly. Did you want me to go back to school, and for this to all be over?”
I shook my head.
“Did you assume that’s what I wanted?”
I nodded.
“Did you ever consider that I might want something more with you; want something more from what we’ve had together?”
I stared at him. It was like I was both hollow inside, an empty shell, but also swollen with pressure. Ears ringing and my fingers numb.
“It didn’t feel like...” I started, only to have Kai interrupt.
“I didn’t want this to be over. I didn’t want it just to have been a summer break where we fucked, and that was it.
You never asked, and maybe I screwed up too, because I never got around to telling you.
But you just assumed, and Tate, you got it wrong, okay?
You thought you knew what I wanted, but you didn’t. ”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Brain spinning. “I don’t understand,” I admitted, little more than a whisper.
I felt him move closer. Kneeling on the deck in front of me, his hands on my knees a moment later. The heat of Kai’s body, spilling out against mine.
“Look, I have feelings for you that are more than just hook-up feelings, okay?” He was explaining it as though talking to a child.
Easy words. Limited syllables. “And I can see now that there’s something in your head, some part of you, which can’t recognize when someone else might want something more with you.
But I do want something more. And so I’m telling you, right now. ”
I opened my eyes. He looked... earnest. Tired, but laid bare.
“Do you have an alcohol problem?”
It wasn’t what I expected him to ask, but I couldn’t say I was entirely surprised that it was among his questions. Even so, I had to bite back the instant denial that was my knee-jerk reaction.
“I... don’t think so. Not like an ‘alcoholic’ problem, I mean,” I tried to explain. “It was just helpful when my brain wouldn’t slow down, y’know?”
He nodded. “I’ve seen plenty of doctors who would say the same thing. Different reason, maybe, but the same symptom and treatment.”
I shrugged, not sure what to say next.
“Have you had a drink since... the other night?”
He was no more specific, but he didn’t need to be. We both knew exactly which night he was talking about.
“No.” I shook my head. The thought of drinking, of potentially screwing up again like that, turned the idea of wine sour.
Kai crossed his arms. “That’s probably for the best.”
I nodded. It was hard to trust my voice, and yet I knew I couldn’t rely on him to do all the talking. Not if I wanted to repair things beyond the bare minimum, anyway.
“I’m sorry,” I said, eventually. He opened his mouth to respond, but I jumped in before he could.
“Not about the state of the house, or anything like that. I’m sorry for shouting at you, and for pushing you away.
I’m sorry for calling you what I called you.
.. and I’m sorry for saying you’d outstayed your welcome. You hadn’t.”
He stared at me, either because he was lost for words or maybe just to see if I’d finished. I wasn’t sure I had.
“And...” I started, then swallowed. It felt like half of my organs had risen up and lodged in my throat.
“And, I mean, I’m sorry you saw me like this.
Because I don’t feel like you’ve seen me at my best..
.” I could feel tears gathering at the corners of my eyes.
“I don’t like the guy you met,” I finished, voice quiet and catching.
Kai was silent for a while, eyes searching my face. My whole body felt leaden and fragile, as though the slightest thing could tip it over and it would shatter into a million pieces.
“I liked the guy I met, Tate,” he said, finally. “He was cute, and a little awkward, and sexy even if he didn’t realize it. Smart, too, and funny. There was a whole lot to like about him. There still is.”
“I don’t...” I started, but he held up a hand to stop me.
“I’m not talking about perfection, I’m not saying there were no flaws.
I think the biggest of those was that he got hurt, but didn’t give himself time to deal with that.
Just forced himself to carry on, and bottled up all the emotions that were boiling away inside of him.
And then he made dumb decisions, like shutting himself off like a hermit, and drinking because it was easier to tamp down the feelings that way. ”
The tears were falling now, rolling hotly down my cheeks.
Kai sighed. Took a deep breath. “What you said didn’t upset me, Tate,” he continued, quieter now. “What hurt was that you were pushing me away. At a time when I knew you needed somebody in your life. Someone who cared for you.”
I dragged a hand across my eyes, my vision blurry. “I can’t seem to help fucking up,” I stammered out.
Kai gave a tight smile.
“You make yourself sound so much worse than you actually are. Not that I should be surprised about that, I guess.” He reached out and, fingers cradling the side of my face, stroked the tip of his thumb across my tear-streaked cheekbone.
I fought the urge to nuzzle into his hand.
“I like you, Tate. I like you a lot. I wish you liked yourself half as much as I like you, in fact.”
“I like you liking me,” I told him, feeling awkward and self-conscious still. “And I like you too. A whole lot. I don’t know why it took all this for me to see that properly.”
Kai chuckled. “Considering how hard I had to work to seduce you in the first place, I probably shouldn’t be surprised that it was even harder to get you to take my feelings seriously.”
I had to laugh at that, even if it did sound like I was hiccuping at the same time.
“Can... can we start again?” I asked him, tentatively. Held my breath for his answer.
He shook his head. “No, we can’t start again.”
That sensation, like ice water flooding my insides. Not just my stomach, but every organ, every part of me. That wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.
“Tate, I don’t want to just restart from square one, and pretend that none of this happened. Or pretend that we’re both perfect, fully-adjusted people, for that matter. We’re both human, and that means we have faults, and baggage, and hang-ups.”
I nodded, still not trusting my voice.
“But if we’re going to give this a chance - a real chance, I mean, for something more than just sex - then we need to do better than simply hit reboot every time one of us fucks up. So, I guess the question is... do you want to give this a real chance?”
I opened my mouth, to blurt out a reply, then shut it again. Wanted to give my answer the thought that his question deserved.
“I do want that, yes,” I told him, eventually. “Even if I’m scared that I can’t change some of the things about myself that I’m not proud of.”
Kai shrugged, smiling. “I think everybody worries about that. But just by thinking it, you’re showing that you’re open to change.”
I wanted, desperately, to believe him.
“Can you be patient with me?” I asked, hating how needy I heard myself sound, but still wanting to hear his answer.
He reached out again, this time taking my hand and squeezing it in his. “It can take as long as it takes.”
“I just never...” I managed, before the tears started again. Before he wrapped me in his arms.