Chapter 15
fifteen
. . .
Jason
They tell you in divorce circles is that you’ll eventually, get back on the dating horse, and when you do, you’ll experience the cycle of grief all over again. I didn’t believe them. I was stronger than that.
But it’s been three days since Amelia wrecked my world, and I still don’t know how I feel about it.
Harper was supposed to be my forever, and even though she’s happier without me, and I’m doing fine on my own without her… A part of me thought I would never be able to move on again. That I’d never experience new again.
I don’t miss her. I grieved for our relationship. I truly thought I’d moved on.
But fooling around with Amelia made one thing clear: I never thought I’d be happy with another person again. It was a self-limiting belief. I didn’t trust myself.
As much as I want another chance with Amelia, it’s not a good idea. Not while she works for the team. And especially not with me looking into her bedroom window every night.
Trudging through my apartment, I do my best not to look to my left as I turn on the coffeemaker and set a bagel to toast. I don’t look over when I wash the dishes I didn’t take care of last night. And I force my eyes not to rise as I eat my breakfast.
Fuck it. I look over.
And then my chest fucking pangs, like I’m a heartbroken teenager.
Amelia paces the living room of her apartment, holding baby Ainsley in the air and bouncing her. Tyler lounges on the couch behind her, holding a cup of coffee to his lips, and as I watch, Brandon crosses the space to sit beside his husband, wrapping his arm around Tyler’s shoulders.
She’s happy. They all are.
Our encounter in the PT bay was hot as hell, but it can’t happen again. It’s a bad idea. Doesn’t keep me from wanting it, though.
Being with Amelia was like breathing fresh air, like finding a heated building in the middle of a blizzard. I didn’t realize how frozen I was until I thawed. She helped me thaw.
And now… where does that leave us?
If she didn’t work for the team, I’d still want to pursue.
Our being in close proximity, working together, and traveling together is a big part of our electric connection.
If we weren’t confined to tight spaces over and over again, I don’t know if we’d combust, or if it would be a long, drawn-out slow burn.
One thing’s for certain: there would definitely be fireworks.
And I certainly can’t ask her to leave her job so we can be together. Do I even want us to be together? Can’t it just be a one-and-done, and we go our separate ways now that we both got what we wanted?
No. There’s a fire simmering in my veins, burning me up from the inside out. I want another round with her. I want ten more. A hundred more. I don’t know if I’ll ever get enough of her.
There’s a knock on my door, and I flinch at the sound. It’s ten o’clock on our day off. Who the fuck is seeking me out now?
Reluctantly, I open the door, glaring at the interloper daring to interrupt me.
Ryan Logan, the team’s best defenseman, flinches. “Fuck. This is a bad idea.”
I blow out a breath. “Did you ask her out?”
“No.” He sighs. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”
“Come on in.”
Holding the door open, I usher him in, and then head over to the sofa. The TV is on ESPN, as usual, but the volume is muted. I fucking hate the talking heads. All they do is rip us apart.
Thank goodness our team’s station isn’t bad. Jared Aviyente, the team’s sportscaster, does a decent job analyzing our plays without making us feel like dog shit for messing up.
Because we all mess up sometimes. We’re human.
“What happened?” I ask Logan, who’s slumped on my couch.
“I’m in love with her.”
His feelings for his best friend’s little sister were always clear as day. Everyone knows—except MacGregor. The idiot’s rather oblivious.
“No, shit.”
His head snaps up, and he glares at me. “Fuck off.”
“Hey, you’re the one on my sofa. What happened now?”
He sighs. “Our high school reunion is coming up in a few months. I got a call from the organizing committee. They want me to come, and will work with our schedule to make sure I’m available.”
“And you want to ask her to go with you?”
“I don’t want to show up to the reunion alone like a loser. Like I’m still a twenty-eight year old vir—” He clamps his lips together. “I want to go with Hailey. I want to be with Hailey. And she has no interest in me.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
MacGregor’s sister hangs out with the team. She comes to almost all of our home games, and volunteers with the Grizzlies Foundation. Decent person. Hell, she’s her brother’s date to our formal functions.
But it’s not a weird thing. They lost their parents young, and she’s disabled and depends on him for a lot of things.
Logan slots into their dynamic seamlessly. He grew up with the MacGregor siblings. I don’t know all the details, but everyone knows they’re a tightly knit trio.
… which might be part of the problem, come to think about it.
“Have you talked to MacGregor? Asked for his blessing?”
Logan flinches. “I shouldn’t have to ask his permission. She’s a grown ass adult.”
“Yeah, but he’s your best friend.” I shake my head. “And it’s not asking for his permission, it’s his approval. Because if he doesn’t want you to date his sister…”
“I don’t care what he thinks,” Logan says. “I love her.”
Hiding my wince, I clear my throat. “I know you do. But my job as your captain is to tell you that it can’t happen.”
His face falls.
“Not without MacGregor’s blessing. You two are best friends. He’s your teammate. We can’t have discord in the locker room.” I blow out a breath. “For what it’s worth, I think you and Hailey would be good together. But if it comes down to it, who are you going to pick—her, or your teammate?”
“Her,” he says without hesitation.
“And see, that’s why, as your captain, I have to tell you it’s a bad idea.”
I don’t want to. It isn’t my place to keep him from the woman he loves. But at the end of the day, my role is to guide this team, and I can’t do that effectively if the players aren’t focused on the goal.
“Until you get to the point of putting a ring on her finger, you have to focus on your career first,” I tell him.
“Right now, she’s a wish you want to come true.
It’s not reality. And the reality is, you have to work with him all day, every day.
Can you really look him in the eye on the ice and then go behind his back with his little sister? ”
Logan sighs, sinking into the couch. “No. I can’t.”
“I’m not saying it can never happen. But maybe not for this reunion.”
“You know we grew up together? I wanted to ask her to prom.” He shakes his head. “Chickened out. I didn’t have the courage to do it. And I’ve kicked myself for the last ten years. I thought when I signed here that we might be able to start something, but…”
“But MacGregor is in the way,” I finish.
“Yeah. And he’s my best friend. I love him like a brother.
I wouldn’t trade our relationship for the world…
” He scrubs a hand over his face. “But I can see a future with Hailey. An honest future. And she’s not interested in that life, not with me.
” Letting out a sigh, he shakes his head.
“I just don’t know how to move on from that.
I’ve loved her since we were fifteen. Ever since I knew how to want a girl, it’s always been her. It’s only been her.”
“Have you tried dating someone else?”
“Not interested.” Logan pauses, biting his lip like he has something else to say, but isn’t ready yet.
“I’m here for you, man. Anything you say to me is private.”
“I’m demisexual,” the defenseman says. “I only experience attraction to someone I know well. And I can’t very well ask someone out and say, hey, I’m not attracted to you, and I might never be, but sure, let’s waste your time until we figure out if we clicks.
Because that's not a shit ton of pressure to put on someone else.”
Reaching over, I set my hand on his shoulder. “Is this the first time you came out to someone?”
He gives me a rueful grin. “Second time. The first… it didn’t go so well.”
“Well, fuck, man. I appreciate you sharing with me.”
“You’re my captain.” Logan shrugs. “It’s not just lust with me and Hailey. I have actual feelings for her. I can picture spending the rest of my life with her.”
“Because you know her.”
“I’ve known her ever since the third grade, when the teacher sat us beside each other.
Logan and MacGregor.” He shakes his head.
“I was fifteen when I realized I had a crush. I spent so many years wondering why I wasn’t into girls like my teammates were, why I wasn’t so obsessed with getting into some chick’s pants like them.
It’s deeper than that for me. I want more than sex with her. I want something real.”
Squeezing his shoulder, I tell him, “I hope you get that.”
“Just keep it out of the locker room.” He laughs.
“Pretty much, yeah.”
“Thanks, Cap,” he says.
“For what it’s worth, I think you two could be good for each other,” I offer. “Just… talk to MacGregor, first. Before you make a move.”
My teammate flinches. “Yeah. Okay. Cool. Totally not going to panic.”
“There are things in life worthy of panicking over. This is not one of them.” I squeeze his shoulder. “Go get your girl, Logan. Get your happily ever after.”
Tilting his head, he studies me. “Did you?”
I flinch. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, with the divorce… Are you happy?”
Glancing out the window to my left, I catch another glimpse of Amelia. She’s curled up on the sofa now, Brandon holding the baby.
“I’m getting there,” I tell him honestly.
“You know, you can talk to me,” he says, so fucking earnest it makes my chest ache. “You listen to all of our bullshit and complaining. You’re allowed to come to us with your own stuff, too.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
Against my will, I look out the window again. This time, Logan follows my gaze.
“Holy fuck. Is that Amelia?”
“Yeah. We’re neighbors,” I say lamely. Like he couldn’t figure it out on his own.
“That’s neat,” he says, taking it at face value. He waves at her, and she clocks the movement, smiling and waving back. “Well, I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing. Thanks for listening, McKittrick.”
“Any time,” I tell him. It’s part of the job, after all.
“I’m here if you need anything.”
I laugh. “Hey, that’s my line.”
“Yeah, but I actually mean it,” Logan says. “Seriously. You want to talk, I’m your guy. Otherwise, I’ll just pine obnoxiously for my best friend’s sister.”