Chapter 61
Riley
Days have passed since the bedroom handcuff evolution. I’ve started working a few cases again, with Kaz helping me adjust my schedule to part-time and remote for now. I spend a few hours in the morning working at Sebastian’s kitchen table, then most days I’ve taken to walking to a nearby coffee shop for lunch. It feels like I’m returning to my normal self somedays, but others I have flashbacks from the cabin which make me think I’m back at square one. Because of that I’ve started seeing the therapist who Dr. Flores had mentioned to Sebastian when she’d come to assess my injuries.
My therapist, Anne, frequently brings up the fact that she’s trauma certified, reminding me that what I went through with Nate, even before the cabin, is considered trauma.
“But he was my husband,” I say at one of our first sessions.
“The body sees psychological harm as trauma the same way it is injured by a fall or cut. There is no difference between a loved one or a stranger causing the harm, it is injury at a cellular and physical level, to the body, either way.”
“So,” I start, wanting to talk about something that’s had me confused for some time. “Is my body completely fucked up for getting turned on now? Now, after all the things that have happened to me?”
“Not at all Riley. I think if we reach emotional safety with a situation, or.. partner.. our bodies can recognize and find arousal and excitement in something that has at another point been stressful.”
I want to tell her how ashamed I feel that when Sebastian came on to me the other night, I was aroused. Or how when he became bossy with me the next morning, I got off on it. Like, shouldn’t someone getting sexual with me only represent my trauma?
“My … person… “ I can’t call him a partner, right? That feels weird. “Sebastian,” I start again, “for the most part, keeps his distance since I’ve been back from the kidnapping. But the other night, he kind of went further than he has in a long time. Since before the cabin stuff.” I look up at Anne and she’s just looking at me patiently.
“The thing is he kind of pushed himself on me, and I liked it. And then the next morning we were… intimate. Shouldn’t I hate it?” I’m thinking of him on top of me on his bed, touching my pussy and finding it wet, despite my doubt .
“You have been through a lot Riley. It could be that what you’re feeling now with Sebastian, the fear and hesitancy to achieve any intimacy, is a safety mechanism, or a way to protect your ego from shame. I wonder, if you thought not about what you should be feeling, but what it is you actually want, if it'll be the same as the “should” story you’re hearing in your head?”
I stare at her blankly. That felt like a lot of psychotherapy jargon but I think it kind of made sense.
“So it’s ok that I’m turned on by being kind of forced into sex? Even if I’ve been raped? Because I never felt any excitement about what Nate did to me when he was aggressive, or drunk, or just horny..” I trail off now, realizing I've gone too far.
“Look up ‘consensual non consent’ later. I think it’ll help you realize that everything you’re explaining to me is 1000% normal. She smiles warmly. For a therapist, she exudes comfort, but also a little bit of sex appeal. Perhaps Anne has a kinky side like Corrine. I giggle a little to myself with that thought.
“Thank you,” I say, getting up to walk out. “I’ll see you next week.” I leave Anne’s office and head back toward home. Now it’s my turn to surprise Sebastian.