Chapter One #2
This sucks. Ellery was not only his closest friend but had always had his back as well.
Even if he’d transferred most of his attention to his trainer for the majority of his time in Toronto, it didn’t mean he no longer cherished his friendship with Ellery.
In Hollywood, there was a plethora of acquaintances, but very few genuine friends.
“Ellery, you’re not prying. I’ve been a shitty friend the past few years, was probably a shitty one before that.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s okay. Really.” Phil cleared his throat before continuing.
“I’m still wrapping my brain around how much has changed for me these past few years.
I guess I didn’t communicate that much while I was gone because I was afraid this conversation would come up.
It has nothing to do with me not wanting to tell you about my life, it’s more about me being afraid you’ll laugh at me or think I’m a…
” Phil searched or the right word. Freak? Weirdo? Sicko?
“A what?” Ellery tilted his head, his eyebrows scrunched together.
“A man in need of professional help.”
Ellery’s eyes widened a bit, but to his credit, he maintained a calm demeanor. “Okay. I’m listening.”
“I met a guy while I was there and he introduced me to the world of BDSM. It wasn’t sexual, not specifically. It was me learning something about myself that’d always been there. He merely helped bring it to the surface.”
Ellery’s eyes widened further, his lips parting in surprise. “Oh. I see.” He seemed to be considering what to say. “I guess you always were an aggressive man.”
Phil winced. That was exactly the sort of assumption he didn’t want people, especially someone close, to have about him.
“The emphasis in what you said should be on the ‘was’. When I trained as a Master, I learned how to control my temper, to explore my selfish and arrogant behavior. I believe I’ve come out on the other side of that educational experience a better partner, friend, and overall, a better man. ”
Silence stretched out between them and Phil thought it might be time to cut his losses and leave. While he was sure there were plenty of kinksters to be had in the unique world of Hollywood, his friend obviously didn’t embrace that mindset.
“Wow.” Ellery gave him a crooked smile. “Then I apologize. I’ll admit, you’ve seemed a lot more mellow, centered I suppose, since you’ve been back.”
Phil stared at Ellery, hopeful they could still be friends after all. “I appreciate that, I really do.” He let out a long breath. “I haven’t told anyone in our circles, you’d be the first.”
“Who have you told?” Ellery’s face still held an amused expression, but Phil didn’t feel as if he was being mocked.
“Terry.”
Ellery gasped. “And?”
The one thing Phil had shared with Ellery while he was away, was how much regret he had over leaving Terry behind.
Ellery had been the one who’d encouraged him to contact Terry and tell him, to confess his love.
And I was too stupid to listen. Although he had to admit, he wouldn’t have been the man Terry deserved, the Master he deserved.
He’d give anything to take away the hurt their separation had caused Terry, but was glad he could come back to him a changed man.
Phil broke into a grin before he could stop himself. “We’re back together, stronger than we ever were before.”
“Congratulations, buddy, I really mean it.” Ellery shook his head. “Man, that’s great news. I know how much you hated losing him.” Ellery chuckled. “And he’s okay with the whole BDSM thing?”
Phil made a sort of high-pitched groaning sound as he worked his way up to an answer. “Wellll…now, yes. But initially, I think I freaked him out a bit.”
Ellery let out a snort. “Yeah, I bet. But he’s cool with it now?”
Phil didn’t doubt his happiness would be obvious in his expression. “God, Ellery. We’re still at the beginning, but we click so well. He’s the perfect sub for me, and I love him more than ever.”
His friend no longer appeared judgmental or reticent.
His eyes lit up as he spoke. “That’s amazing.
After all that agony and things being rocky when you guys were first together, I never held out any hope you’d be a couple again.
Hey, I don’t know a thing about the BDSM lifestyle, but if it makes you both happy, then I think it’s great. ”
Phil considered his friend’s words. Had he and Terry come across to Ellery, maybe even those around them, as an unstable pair?
He’d been lost in his feelings for Terry, but then there were those times, the ones Terry had mentioned about how self-involved he’d been, how Phil had pushed him aside and made him last in everything.
“You thought we were rocky?”
“Well, yeah. You were always complaining that he didn’t understand how busy you were, that he was just a photographer, didn’t have to deal with real problems the way you did.”
Phil’s stomach twisted, the pain at how he’d behaved toward someone he loved so much filling him with shame all over again.
“Fuck. I can’t believe he gave me a second chance, let alone loved me in the first place. I was a supreme asshole.”
Ellery’s smile had a wistful quality to it. “No one’s perfect. But I saw how he looked at you the few times we socialized. And I knew you really cared about him—even if you had an odd way of showing it.”
“Odd?” Phil grunted. “Try horrible. God, I need to do something special for him, something…” Phil shook his head. How could he ever make it up to such a good guy, someone young and beautiful, yet unaware of how sexy he was? He could have anyone. Instead, he chose a middle-aged dickhole like me.
“Hey. You’re here for him now and it sounds to me like you’ve made some pretty heavy changes while you were gone. Ones for the better, right?”
Phil sucked in a large breath. “Yes. I have.” I need to call Eric tonight. His trainer had become a friend as well as a mentor. He could help him, could understand his dilemma in a way Ellery wouldn’t be able to.
“Then that’s great.” Ellery glanced at the letter again before returning his gaze to Phil. “We should all get together some night. I saw Terry on the lot a few times when he was on a shoot, but we never did anything other than wave in each other’s direction.”
Despite his friend’s hetero status, it didn’t stop a possessive jealous streak from surging through him before quickly dissipating. Don’t be an ass.
“We definitely should. So, you’re seeing someone now?”
Ellery shrugged. “On occasion. Truthfully, I think it’s a casual thing that doesn’t appear too likely to turn into anything else.”
“It takes time. You and Sherry were together for a lot of years.”
Ellery let out a mournful sigh and Phil wished he could be there for his friend the way he had once been in the past.
“I know. So, anyway, this project. I hate to say it, but I’ve been offered something with a guaranteed salary and this seems too iffy.
” Ellery gave him a pained expression. “I feel a bit guilty about proposing it to you in the first place. From what I’ve heard, they were sorry to lose you on that show and it’s such a success.
You could’ve ridden that for a few more years at least.”
Phil shook his head. “Don’t feel bad at all.
You gave me the perfect excuse to come back.
I think in the back of my mind I was waiting for the opportunity to give things a try with Terry again, no matter how terrified I was at the prospect of him telling me to fuck off.
” Phil let out an uneasy chuckle. “There was a moment there when I first saw him again that I thought for sure he was going to do precisely that.”
“You leaving a lucrative paycheck behind must’ve gone a long way to reassure him of your intentions toward him.”
“Uh, well, he doesn’t actually know about that.” Phil pressed his lips together. “I let him think I came back because I had this big film to produce.” He gave Ellery a tight smile. “Which was somewhat true.”
Ellery raised his eyebrows. “Then you are one lucky motherfucker. He really could’ve told you to fuck off.”
Phil rubbed at his forehead again. The pain there had managed to go from piercing to a dull ache that made him want to go curl up in a dark closet. “This is true. However, I hope he doesn’t mind that I don’t have an income coming in anymore with no prospect for one anytime soon.”
“Don’t worry. Something’ll come up. You know how this town is. You’ve got a great resume, plus there’s the recent success of the series.”
As long as the next job doesn’t take me out of town again.