CHAPTER 7
SAMUEL
The need to burn off the restless energy that I’ve been harboring for the last few days is riding me hard. Unfortunately, since it’s Saturday, we don’t have regular training times today. Everyone needs rest and to be able to spend time with their families, which is why we give them Saturday off.
But that means there probably isn’t anyone at the training ground and that means I can’t take out my restlessness on anyone by sparring.
And I need it.
The memory of the conversation I had with Nyx after she stepped up and helped Marlene when she showed up at the gate to the pack has been circling my mind. It was a conversation that needed to happen, I know it did. Still, I feel raw and exposed in a way that I’m not used to.
After Marlene was led away to the pack hospital, I held Nyx and let her have a moment to cry. It wasn’t a moment of weakness, not even close. I could feel the empathy and compassion coming from her. She wasn’t feeling sorry for herself; her reaction was completely selfless.
It was a beautiful thing, and I felt honored to be allowed to be there for her when she needed it.
Honestly, I needed comfort and contact just as much as she did. The story Marlene told us, which I have no doubt is true, was something I couldn’t imagine going through. Then to top it all off, she’s pregnant?
I know Marlene’s pup will be lucky to have such a strong mom, but that doesn’t mean the road before her will be easy or without hurdles. She’s going to struggle. Hopefully, she’ll allow us to be there for her.
When we entered Nyx’s house, it was like she blinked out of her stupor and her gorgeous brown eyes locked with mine. Her golden flecks sparkled as she studied me. I don’t know what she saw in me at that moment.
Her voice was hoarse, “Why me?”
I jolted, not expecting that question and not really understanding it. My eyebrows pulled together, and my voice was cautious, “What do you mean ‘why me’?”
“You told me that you thought I could help her feel comfortable since I’m female and could understand what she’s experiencing if she did experience the death of her mate, but,” she shook her head slightly, “but I have a feeling there’s more to it.”
“What I said is true. Those are reasons why I wanted you to join me at the gate.” She narrowed her eyes, and I knew I was going to have to give her more. Since we were standing in the middle of her living room and I was stalling, I nodded toward the couch. “Do you mind if we sit?”
Nyx blushed, the pink such a gorgeous and unexpected color when I had seen such strength and confidence from her, even while it was mired in pain. “Of course,” she rushed out and gestured toward the couch as if her movements could sweep me closer and force me to sit down.
“A big part of it was your ability to understand and being female,” I reiterated. I leaned back and tried to relax while my heart was pounding in my chest. “You saw her. What do you think her reaction would have been if I approached the gate without you there?” I found myself smirking. “You heeded her call for help and swept right past me,” I pointed out.
“Uh,” that blush was back, and it was making me have wicked thoughts I had no right to have, “about that.”
I held my hand up and cut off whatever she as about to say. “Please don’t apologize. You saw someone in need, and you stepped up to give them the help and support they needed. Rank and protocol mean nothing in the face of what is needed by those who come here for help.”
Nyx blinked at me as if she was having an issue processing my words. I gave her a moment, knowing she wouldn’t let me get away with a half answer. How did I know? I have no idea.
“But,” she tilted her head as she looked at me before she whispered, “I can see the same pain in your eyes. Your mate died too,” she pointed out bluntly, but gently.
“She did,” I admitted, my voice sounding far away to my ears. The pain in my chest, the constant ache and sense of loss, I knew, wasn’t like what Nyx and Marlene experienced. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but I would never try to make my pain out to be more than it was. Ever. “But it was different as well. You and Marlene had a true mate bond with your mate.”
Nyx sat up straighter and her eyes went wide. “What are you talking about? You weren’t fated mates?”
“We were,” I assure her, but that doesn’t help her understand. “For you to understand, I need to go back farther than my bond with Kathy.” She flinches slightly hearing her name; I can’t say I blame her since my wolf growled threateningly in my mind when I said her name. “Serenity is my younger sister by around a year. When she was ten, Alpha Tristan had just turned 18. He and his father, who was still the Alpha at the time, went around to allied packs for Tristan to meet people and, hopefully, find his fated mate.”
Her voice was curious as she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, “Serenity is his fated mate, right?”
“She is, but she was only ten. He recognized the bond immediately and spoke with our parents. He wanted Serenity to be kept safe, but for their connection to not be shared with anyone. Serenity had no idea.” I sighed, hating the next part. “The former Alpha of Waning Moon, Thomas, found out about the private conversation my parents had and he commanded the truth out of them. That was the day everything changed because Thomas hated Blood Rising and the Alpha family there. He hated how much power and prestige the pack has, even though it was earned fairly.”
Nyx was hanging on my every word. It both thrilled me and made me dread what was to come.
“Thomas hired a witch to mess with Serenity’s bond and connect her to the Alpha heir, Todd. Back then, before everything went to shit, Serenity and Todd were close. Along with Todd’s sister, Kathy, the four of us were close, actually. Once the witch cast the spell, the Alpha started issuing orders to people with the goal of making Serenity’s life a living hell. Anyone who wouldn’t go along with treating her badly was commanded to do so. He wanted to weaken Serenity, and by extension Tristan. He never wanted Tristan to gain the power that comes with having his true Luna at his side.”
Nyx’s eyes fill with tears, and I can only nod before admitting, “I was forced to treat my sister, who I loved and vowed to protect, like complete shit. There was mental and physical abuse, and no one could stop it. It was out of control. Years went by, Tristan stayed away even though he wanted his mate. He stayed true to his bond as well.”
“Wh-what?” Nyx sputtered and her surprise had me chuckling even though the whole situation was far from funny. When I nodded, she breathed out, “Woah.”
“Tristan is a good male. He put all his energy into building up Blood Rising even more. I found out Kathy was my mate, and I was so hopeful for some sort of peace and a reprieve from a situation I had no control over that I welcomed her with open arms. Todd had become an arrogant prick and things only got worse for Serenity. Kathy, who had been her best friend, loved abusing my sister. She relished it. I thought it was a command since that’s the way it was for me and our parents.”
“Oh no,” she moaned softly and paled.
I nodded and shuddered. “When Serenity turned 18, the spell did its job and Todd and Serenity thought they were mates. He rejected her and then tortured her by sleeping with she-wolves.” My face twisted with disgust. “A few days after Serenity’s birthday, Tristan showed up and the truth came out. He took her away, but damage had already been done and a lot of it. Serenity finding her true mate enraged Thomas, and Todd was obsessed with her. They decided to confront Tristan and Serenity by crossing Blood Rising’s border and crashing a Full Moon Run. It did not end well. The only people left standing, at least for a while, were my parents, Kathy, and me.”
Nyx’s shoulders were up around her ears, but I couldn’t stop. I needed to get it all out. “I killed Kathy. She didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as my sister. She was evil. She never needed a command to be cruel and finding that out broke something in me. I thought Tristan would kill me too, but he didn’t.”
“He tasked you with being the Alpha here and turning the pack around,” she mused.
“He did,” I confirmed. I stood and started to move toward the door. “So while I might understand the pain of feeling the bond snap, it was different for me. I don’t think Kathy ever really loved me and our bond was always shrouded in the darkness of this pack and what was happening.” I shook my head and admitted, “I don’t regret killing her, but I still feel the loss of my future and it is a heavy weight. Now you know. I’m not worthy of comparing myself to you or Marlene,” there was no room for argument in my tone.
When I looked back at her, the need to get out of there and run was riding me hard. I knew the unshed tears I was seeing in her eyes were for me. Those fucking tears cracked something inside of me.
Then it broke when I stepped out of her home and she whispered, “It wasn’t your fault, Samuel.”
She could say that all she wanted, but it has always felt like it was my fault. There were so many things that I should have done differently. But I didn’t.
I can only make better decisions now and hope that with Waning Moon giving a home to people who need it that no one else feels lost and alone the way Serenity did.
That will be enough, and it’s been my only solace. Because while my relationship with Serenity is better than it was, I don’t think it’ll ever be fully healed. And I have to be okay with that because I don’t deserve any kind of relationship with her.
Nyx’s words have haunted me since she spoke them into existence. I’ve heard them before, but something about her saying them had me wondering if she’s right. Logically, I know that I didn’t make Kathy into the horrible she-wolf she ended up being. If anything, her parents were to blame for it.
Still, I was her mate. I should have balanced the scales more. But I didn’t. I was right here with her making my sister’s life hell. Because I wasn’t strong enough to fight Thomas’ command. Because I couldn’t find a way out.
That night when I killed Kathy, I wished for death. The only mercy I was hoping for was that it would be swift.
Instead, I was given the Alpha title and a pack that was divided, and untrusting. There were far too many members who stood by and did nothing or actively abused a child. Nothing about the situation was easy.
When I walk onto the training grounds, finally, while struggling to shake off my past, I realize I’m not alone. I almost bark out a laugh because it looks like the female I’ve been trying to avoid found me, even if it was inadvertent.
Nyx isn’t alone either. She’s here with Aisley; both of whom are wearing matching workout sets which is adorable as hell.
My wolf peeks out of my eyes as we watch Nyx go over a few things with Aisley, including how to get out of a few holds. I almost jump out of my skin when they start to spar.
“Aisley,” I try not to put too much of a command in my voice because I don’t want to startle her, “protect your left side. You telegraph your hits. Don’t think about it and just let your body do what is instinctual.”
Aisley doesn’t look at me, not wanting to get distracted from her opponent, but she does give a small side of acknowledgement. Nyx doesn’t react to me initially, but I do notice when goosebumps cover her arms.
When I step closer to them, I expect Nyx to make an excuse and to leave, but she doesn’t. She holds her ground with her chin raised. Something eased inside of me being close to her again.
I might have been the one to walk away the last time we talked, but I’ve missed her.
I turn my attention toward Aisley, “You want me to give you some tips so you can beat your mom’s butt?”
She squeals and starts to jump up and down as she claps. “Yes, please, Samuel. She always beats me, but I know I can take her down.”
“You can try,” Nyx taunts her daughter with a big smile on her face.
Fuck. She’s beautiful.
“Yes,” my wolf growls in agreement.
The next thing I know, hours have passed. I don’t think time has ever passed as quickly as it has when I’m around Nyx and Aisley. It feels good and right.
Suddenly, that doesn’t scare me as much as it did.
Maybe talking about Kathy with her was exactly what I needed. It has allowed me some clarity.
I want this woman. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted a woman.
Not only that, but I want Aisley to smile at me like I matter to her. I want to be there for her as she grows up. I want her to know she can rely on me.
I want these female’s love.
“Finally,” my wolf howls, “you’ve figured out what I’ve known for a while.”
The three of us are breathing heavily while wearing broad smiles. Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “Can I take you ladies out to dinner?”
“Yes,” Aisley answers before her mom can even consider my offer. She turns toward Nyx and hands out the biggest puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen.
I can see the moment Nyx caves, and my smile gets so big that my cheeks start to hurt.
There’s no question that I don’t deserve this woman, but there’s something here between us. If I were to let that go and not explore it, my gut is telling me that I would miss out on something that will change my life.
It’s necessary, for both of us, to find out where this goes and what it means.