CHAPTER 5
TILLY
While my wolf is spending her time preening and strutting around in my head without a care in the world beyond her mate knowing that she’s his mate, I am sweating. It’s a damn good thing this dress doesn’t have long sleeves or is made out of wool or some other oppressive as fuck fabric because if it was then I’d probably be fainting. Or I’d become one shifter puddle on the floor.
Either way, the way I’m sweating and the nervousness filling me is not a good look. There is no way that it screams ‘great to meet you, mate’.
But from the look I saw in Whitaker’s eyes, he’s already figured out that I knew and denied the mate bond for the last five years. He doesn’t know the details, but does he really need to?
I saw the fire in his eyes. It bordered on hatred, but that wasn’t even what had the breath stalling in my lungs. It was the hurt in his eyes, a feeling so visceral that it might as well have been a hand plunging into my chest and squeezing my heart.
My wolf dismissed the feeling while she basked in the glow of, finally, being near her mate without the spell between us.
As we file into Alpha Tristan’s office, Crew leans against the wall and I find myself standing in the middle of the room without a damn clue what I should do with my hands. I fold them in front of me. I worry them. I fist them.
“Explain,” Whitaker spits out, his voice low and filled with a command that has me straightening my spine.
I turn toward him even while tension radiates from my brother. I’m sure he wants to come to my aid, but he’s not a stupid Alpha. He can put two and two together to get four, the same way Whitaker has been able to.
I clear my throat, but it does nothing to help me feel prepared to do this. My mouth is dry, too damn dry. Am I dehydrated? Fuck, I need something to drink. If only alcohol would help in this situation and take the edge off, but with a shifter’s metabolism it would be more for taste than anything else and we all know the taste is not the draw when it comes to hard liquor.
Whitaker arches one of his eyebrows and there is so much damn warning in that simple gesture that it has me sinking down in one of the chairs in Alpha Tristan’s office.
“I’m not sure where to start,” I admit, honesty ringing through my voice, small as it is.
“How about you start with whatever the fuck you did to prevent me from being able to scent you as my mate five years ago at your first mating ball,” Whitaker barks.
I startle and Crew lets out a low, warning growl. I shoot my brother a look because as much as I love that he has my back, now is not the time.
“First,” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly before meeting Whitaker’s gaze and holding it, “I want to say that I’m sorry for the deception. I made the decision to hide my scent years before I turned 18. It had nothing to do with you, specifically, as my mate.”
Whitaker narrows his eyes, his words laced with sarcasm, “That makes me feel so much better.”
I sigh and slump back in the chair. “It was a witch. I paid her for a spell to hide my scent.”
“Fuck,” Crew breathes out.
When I glance over at my brother, it is to find him scraping a hand down his face. The look he shoots me is filled with disappointment along with a big side of bewilderment. Yeah, can’t say I blame him there.
My mate pulls my attention back to him and makes a motion with his hand for me to continue. Okay, then.
“You know how it is growing up as an Alpha’s kid,” I start my explanation hoping he can understand where I was coming from even though it doesn’t feel as simple as it did when I came up with my plan. “There’s a lot of pressure and teachings about how the pack comes first. I watched how my parents were so in love, while also sacrificing so much for the pack.”
“It is the Alpha’s duty,” Whitaker’s words feel like a punch to the gut.
“It is,” I whisper, my eyes pricking with tears that I won’t, can’t, let fall. “I respect that duty, but for a girl with dreams, it was a duty I didn’t want.” I shrug and look at my brother, hoping he knows that I don’t blame him for what I’m about to admit. “It’s different for the second born, especially when they’re female. I saw all the sacrifices, the duty, but the expectation is different. Because both my parents are Alpha wolves, I was told early on that I would have an Alpha for a mate. Being Luna would mean I would be sacrificing time with my mate, sharing their devotion, and giving up on my dreams.”
“You always focused on your education. You were passionate about learning,” Crew’s whispered words feel like a salve instead of the barbs they could be.
I nod slowly and hope Whitaker can understand. “I wanted something for me while also making me valuable to the pack, especially if I was to be a Luna, beyond my status as a mate and a female. I wanted a purpose and to be able to continue my education.”
I can hear the barely contained rage in my mate’s voice, “So you decided to find a witch, get a spell, and hide your scent from me?”
“Yes,” I admit, the words quiet, but their meaning so fucking loud.
Whitaker starts to pace the space, what little of it there is. The way he runs his fingers through his dark hair, only slightly longer on top than it is on the sides, is mesmerizing. My eyes drift over my mate.
The last five years have been good to him. He was an attractive Alpha before, strong and imposing, but he’s only gained muscles and an inner strength in the years since I’ve seen him. The suit he’s wearing molds to his body and makes me want to unwrap and explore him. But the tension he’s carrying, the sheer desolation rolling off him, tells me that my touch wouldn’t be welcomed right now.
And that fucking kills me.
My wolf whimpers in my mind. She wants her mate, has always wanted her mate. It’s only because of her connection and love for me that she ever allowed my plan to go on. She wanted my happiness, and I convinced her that we would be better equipped to take on our future with a business degree and experience in the world beyond the shelter of the pack.
I still don’t think I’m wrong about that but worry fills me. He could reject us, which is the worst-case scenario. Even if he does accept us, he could hold us at a distance, the same distance we took without his consent or knowledge.
My stomach knots with anxiety and fear, two emotions that I am not used to experiencing.
The silence that descends in the office is oppressive. “It didn’t feel like I had much of a choice,” I whisper into the void, hoping that they’re enough.
They’re not. I know it. But, they’re all I have.
Crew heaves out a heavy sigh and looks between Whitaker and me. “I’m going to leave you to talk.” I’m sure I give him a look of panic because he comes closer and presses a kiss to my forehead. His voice is gentle, “I might understand why you did it, but that doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.”
The lump in my throat goes fucking nowhere even as I try and swallow around it. I nod, knowing he’s right.
Crew turns toward my mate and warns, “While you can be pissed, don’t forget that we’re only granted one mate by the Goddess. They are a blessing and forgiveness is a gift,” there’s a weight in his words and I know it’s because of his own experience with Elodie.
I cringe because while he fucked up with is mate in a way I didn’t, we’re still two peas in a damn pod.
My eyes are fixed on Whitaker as the click of the door closing rings through the room. He doesn’t look at me, not at first. I’m okay with it because being able to take in my mate, this time with nothing between us, is a gift.
One I can only hope isn’t snatched away from me. I would deserve it if it were, but that doesn’t mean I’m without hope.
“He won’t reject us,” my wolf insists.
When Whitaker turns toward me, the pain in his eyes has me sucking in a sharp breath. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I can see the touch of his wolf in his eyes.
I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not. I do know that the wolf side is much simpler than the human side. Wolves want their mate and are driven by instinct in a way we can only hope doesn’t end in violence and blood.
“I’ve always wanted my mate,” Whitaker begins and causes my heart to soar and plummet at the same time. How that’s even possible, I’ll never know. “I feel like you stole my mate from me even though I know you’re sitting in front of me right now.”
I nod slowly and try to keep my voice steady. “I stole time from us,” I admit, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. “It was always about my education and giving me something more. Far too often, females are seen as little more than a womb and a mother. Being a Luna, which I was always told would be my destiny, is the pack’s mother. I just,” I sigh and shake my head, “I had worked so hard already and couldn’t give up my dream of going to college and getting my degree. It was all I had that was mine,” there’s conviction in my words, passion woven through them.
Whitaker’s shoulders slump and he nods slowly. “I can understand that, but you didn’t even give me a chance to be the mate you needed me to be. You took away my choice,” he pounds his fist against his chest, and I can feel the impact of it reverberate through me. There’s pain in his voice, “How do you know I would have prevented you from getting your degree? You didn’t give me the chance to support you and your dreams.”
A tear slips past my lash line and down my cheek. His hurt magnifies mine and becomes a throbbing ache, more so than what I’ve had to endure over the last five years.
“I know,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head because it’s not enough. “They’re just words, I get that. By the time I had met you, I was already on my path. It hurt to meet you, to know what we are to each other, and not have you recognize me. It felt like it was too late to go back.”
“What did you expect to happen when I could magically,” he sneers the word, “smell you after you achieved your goal?”
“I wasn’t sure,” I whisper, the words broken and filled with guilt, “but I hoped we could move past it. I hoped our bond could be stronger because of it. I hoped you could understand and forgive me.”
He runs his fingers through his hair and my eyes snag on the strands. It looks so damn soft and my fingers itch to feel them myself. Everything in me screams to soothe him and the hurt I’ve caused.
“He will forgive us,” my wolf insists, trying to take the sting away.
Something shifts in Whitaker, and he sits up a little straighter. “I don’t’ know if I can forgive this,” the sincerity in his words that rip through me is a searing pain like I’ve never experienced before, “but I’ve always said the only she-wolf who would be my Luna is my Goddess given mate.”
“Okay,” the word is hesitant and filled with questions that I can’t even begin to ask.
Does that mean he waited for me? Will I be Luna in name only? Can we ever get past this and have a mate bond that fulfills us both?
“You can pack up your things at Golden Summit and come to Silver Howler whenever you’re ready,” Whitaker’s words are monotone, almost robotic.
I find myself looking at him, surprised at the lack of warmth, even though I shouldn’t be. His dark eyes sweep over me, longing burning in their depths.
Before I can say anything, before I can even think, he sweeps out of the room and all I can hear is the way his footsteps move farther and farther away from me.
My wolf whimpers, but determination fills her and flows into me even as his pine and thunder scent wanes. I take a deep breath while I still can, soaking up the scent I haven’t experienced in far too long.
“We knew it wouldn’t be easy, my human,” my wolf reminds me. “But we are his mate.”
Yes, we are, and he didn’t reject us. It might not be much, but it’ll have to be enough. For now.