Chapter 5
Chapter Five
People are screaming and running like the sky itself is falling.
I don’t blame them; if I were in their shoes, I’d do the same.
Wait, scratch that, I’d hide with a bottle of wine and drink until I passed out.
It’s a good plan…mostly. But this time, my plan is actually a good one and something I think Tannith would be proud of.
When my brother asked me what I wanted, I knew in my heart that it was to save the human district and throw the wolves out.
Humans are not their little slaves, and the wolves are not our masters.
I might not be human anymore, but I was.
I was forced to call the wolves masters, to witness their injustice and the suffering that followed.
No one in this land has known a single day without fear of the wolves—until now.
I might as well use my new title for something good.
My brother’s army—the seventy he said would come with me—are moving around the human district lands like a cloud of smoke.
Dain told me I wouldn’t need much more than that, and he’s correct.
I’ve mostly watched—I’m not trained to battle—and they’ve easily surrounded the human district in a wall of shadows, without alerting any of the wolves.
Now the ones inside here are trapped, and they are being thrown out, or killed if they fight back.
The packs use this as a dumping and breeding ground for humans. They’ve never once thought about protecting it from someone who wants to come and claim the land. Bonus for me: now I have the mines of the Crone Pack, the only place the Crone Pack gets gold. They won’t be trading shit now.
I stand in the middle of the street, my gold hair falling in two braids over my shoulders, looking up at the slanted set of apartments above the old pub.
It’s just as ugly as I remember. The rotten floorboards, the high slanted roof, the way I know how the door creaks when you walk in.
It doesn’t look any different, but the pub is burnt to a crisp and looks like it has been that way for a long time.
All the memories of working there with Tannith feel like they have gone up in smoke too.
Zyran stands at my side—in a foul mood. He’s been in one since I made the deal with my brother and literally every time Dain is around.
No matter what I’ve said about not trusting Dain and how this is for me, for Tannith, Zyran hasn’t said a word.
I can tell he wants to though. But my monster hasn’t left my side—not through all the training they’ve given me to control these powers, not through any of the meetings with Dain and dinner every evening with him.
We both agreed not to let the court know about me yet.
It’s not what I want. My problems are here, and I’d much prefer to keep them here.
Zyran is at my side and I definitely need him here. Not that I’d admit it, but I’m damn scared to walk in there and see an apartment that won’t have Tannith in it. “You’re still mad at me. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I’m not sure how to fix this.”
“Neither have I,” he breathes out. “I’m not mad at you in the way you imagine.
I painstakingly understand exactly what you’re doing, and I respect you for it.
I just think you’ve made a deal with one side of a coin that is destined to destroy the other, no matter what.
But either way you flip the coin, it’s never going to end the way you like.
Dain…he knew you were vulnerable, grieving, and he took advantage.
You may not want the throne now, but time changes things, and you haven’t even seen the people of Void City or learnt what Dain is like as a ruler.
You are bound to serve him, just like I am, and there will be consequences.
But I will never let those consequences hurt you, love. ”
He’s right, he’s so right, but… “I’ve already lost. There was already the biggest consequence. I just don’t care what else this world wants to throw at me. Fuck it all. Wait, I can’t care. I feel numb nearly eighty percent of the time, Zyran, and that scares me more than anything else.”
I walk away from him, feeling him following behind me, even if his footsteps are silent. It’s time to do this, before I chicken out and run in the opposite direction. I open the creaky, unlocked door and walk into the shared stairwell. The other apartments probably have people hiding in them.
For a moment, I wonder whether someone else might be living in Tannith’s and my apartment now.
Someone might have rented it out, but I climb the stairs—up and up.
Memories of Tannith and me walking up them together flash in my mind and overwhelm everything else.
I get to the top floor and stare at the red door, the chipped paint and the new padlock on the door handle.
“May I?” Zyran’s voice is soft.
I nod, stepping aside. He puts his hand over the door, and in seconds the handle, the lock, all of it is gone—nothing but whispering shadows where it was.
I think I could have done that…if I had more control over oblivion.
In my training, I’ve learnt how to call the shadows, how to block them out when they’re whispering, but using them to attack is still quite difficult.
I wasn’t expecting to learn everything in a month.
Dain and Zyran, despite not communicating with each other at all, helped me learn how to shield myself with them.
I know I’m distracting myself from walking in, but Zyran waits patiently.
Always waiting. My monster. My—well, I don’t know what we are.
Yes, Zyran sleeps in the same room as me every night, but he always sleeps in the chair.
He’s made no move towards me whatsoever, and I don’t know what to make of him.
More distractions.
Tannith would shove me in the back and make me go in.
Dammit, I need to do this. I tighten my shoulders and just walk into my old home.
The apartment is covered in dust, dead flowers droop in pots above the kitchen cabinets, and it is so silent.
It’s only a bedsit. Not much in here except for two units with a sink and a tiny cooker.
The flower plants were Tannith’s obsession, and she always kept them alive.
It almost seems fitting they died with her.
The beds are still pushed against the wall, underneath rickety pipes that make a tapping noise in the middle of the night.
There’s a tiny bathroom to the left—a ratty shower and toilet covered by a curtain.
Every other floorboard has a hole in it, and the rug that Tannith and I saved for months to buy is thrown across the floor at the end of the bed.
Her clothes are scattered on the floor, next to a mug she made in a pottery class that’s now broken.
She must have broken it when the Crone alpha came for her to punish me.
It’s all my fault.
I walk over, staring down at her bed, the sheets tossed aside like she just got out of them.
I lean down and touch them for a second, then pull the sheet up, sucking in a breath.
I can barely smell her on them anymore. It’s been too long.
I drop it and turn away. My breaths come out in deep pants, and hot tears that I can’t seem to breathe past fall down my cheeks.
Shadows spread from my body, smothering the floor and windows until there is nothing but pitch blackness.
He still finds me in it. Zyran pulls me to his chest, wrapping me tightly in his embrace as I cry, scream, and beg the world to change this.
I’m shaking when I’m done, when there is nothing left, but I still can’t breathe right.
“It’s a panic attack. Breathe through it.
It’s just a place, just a room, and your memories with her are forever.
When you love someone, your memories are enough to feel that love even past death. ”
The shadows slowly crawl back to me, their whispering fading into the air. I listen to Zyran’s heartbeat next to my ear, focus on the soft thump. “I thought maybe if I came back here, it would feel like I was closer to her somehow. There’s nothing but ghosts here, Zyran. Just ghosts.”
I look up at him, and he cups my face. “There may be ghosts in the past—many that lie between us—but there is a future, after all of this, when you’re ready to find it.
It doesn’t always have to be like this. I’m here.
You are not alone. You have never been.” Because of him.
I don’t know what gets into me when I lean up and kiss him.
A brief pause, a moment of hesitation—until he breaks.
His hesitation falls away as he groans, sinking his hands into my hair, deepening the kiss I began but he definitely controls now.
I reach up, wrapping my arms around his neck.
He pulls me up, his hands sliding across my ass, and he squeezes me as he pulls me against him.
“Zyran,” I half whisper, half moan, feeling my body come back to life.
For a moment, there is more than grief, pain, and confusion.
He groans again, pulling me back and pushing me into the wall, which cracks under the weight of both of us as he devours me with his lips.
He breaks the kiss first, leaving me needy and wanting more in his arms. I can feel how hard he is, pressed against my core, and I want to move.
Both of us breathlessly stare at each other. “Why did you stop?”
“You’re grieving. I don’t want to add any mixed feelings to that.” He kisses my forehead. “When you choose me, Meredith, it will be with a clear mind and whole heart. I want to claim every bit of you, my mate, and we both know you can’t give anything more away right now.”
“Is that why you’ve kept me at a distance? I thought maybe you’d stopped liking me,” I murmur.