Chapter 37
Jess
The third floor of Brian’s brownstone consisted of three good-sized bedrooms and a full bath, as well as a small spiral staircase that led to the attic.
When I hit the landing, I gasped.
Through the medallion window, the view of the city in the moonlight was incredible.
The scenery looked nothing like that of the farm, but I loved it, nevertheless.
This space was small, but it called to me.
It silently urged me to find a yoga mat and spread it out in the middle of the room.
I imagined sunrise yoga up here before the city woke up.
I envisioned padding downstairs to make coffee and kiss Brian, who would undoubtedly be talking about trusts and motion filings in his sleep.
I settled into an old armchair, curled my knees up, and looked out at the skyline, desperate to untangle my jumbled thoughts.
I had once been the girl who followed her gut. Who believed in intuition and never doubted herself.
Then I’d met Kenneth, and I’d let him tear down that part of me.
It wasn’t the shitty marriage or the divorce. It was being with a person day in and day out who didn’t respect me. Who regarded me as incapable.
Who’d made a fool of me. In the beginning, I’d believed he was fair and honest. That he would do right by me and the kids.
Even after we separated, even after I’d realized the kind of cruelty he was capable of, I couldn’t have envisioned him turning any of that on his children.
I imagined living close to one another so we could both be involved in the girls’ lives as much as possible.
I truly thought we’d sit next to each other at Kit’s piano recitals and Greta’s soccer games.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought he’d become a deadbeat dad who had no interest in his daughters. Who used them as pawns to get women and sympathy and nothing else.
It still made me shake with rage. How could he?
Every time these thoughts consumed me, they always circled back to guilt. Did I not encourage him to bond with them enough in infancy? Should I have pushed him harder to take more time off and be more active as a dad when they were little?
So many shoulds.
Each one made me sick.
It made me nauseas, knowing they hadn’t gotten the life they deserved.
My childhood hadn’t been perfect, but my siblings and I had been raised by people who loved us and loved each other. We’d worked hard, spent time together, and sat at the table every night laughing.
Once in a while, Dad would take us out after dinner, and we’d lie in the bed of the farm truck, looking up at the stars and coming up with fantastic stories.
Mom ran a tight ship, putting us to work peeling apples for pies and sweeping floors before welcoming neighbors over. At the time, we hated it, but now, those were some of my fondest memories.
We may have frozen when we tapped the trees and ran the lines, but the cold made the hot chocolate waiting for us at home that much better.
Every day, I’d woken up certain of my parents’ love for me. It was a warm blanket around my heart, insulating me from the cruelties of the world.
And here I was, years after my divorce, still letting my ex-husband mess with me. There were days I could not get his constant criticism out of my head.
So after the divorce, I sat down and mapped out my life. I finished my master’s and transitioned the girls to a new home and new schools. Then every one of us went to therapy. When I could think straight again, I planned for the day we could move to Vermont.
I’d been so fixated on that plan that I hadn’t stopped to listen to my gut. To look around at the life we’d built in Jersey and see just how much it meant to us.
My children came first. Always. And I loved Brian. He swore he’d go anywhere and do anything to be with us. But was that actually possible? I couldn’t let him walk away from the law firm he’d fought so hard to save.
As the sun warmed my face, I thought about what Sloane had said. That she and Sully had carved out a fresh start for themselves together. That she hadn’t had to run away from her marriage to find herself after all.
Though thought after thought raced through my mind, I managed to doze off, sleeping fitfully in the old chair. I stirred, though, when warm arms wrapped around me and picked me up.
His woodsy scent enveloped me before I even opened my eyes.
“I was worried you’d gone home to Jersey,” he said into my hair.
I shook my head. “I like it up here.”
He made a low humming sound. “I knew you would.” Gently, he set me on my feet. “Why’d you disappear?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” I admitted.
“Come back to bed.” He cupped my cheek and ducked closer, and the kindness in his eyes nearly broke me.
Before I could get myself under control, I was crying. “I feel like I can’t get it right. No matter how hard I try or how hard I work, I’m fucking something up.”
“Jess,” he soothed, caressing my cheek with his thumb. “You can’t believe that. You are an incredible mother.”
“I push them to be individuals, to follow their dreams and be authentic. But now Kit can’t audition for PPAS and Greta can’t try out for the club soccer team.”
“There will be other opportunities in Vermont,” he reminded me.
My heart thudded. “I know, but not these opportunities. And my job. I love my job. The hours are good and I get to help people. It took me years to finish my degree and finally get on staff. And I love Lana’s studio and my regular students.”
He pulled me into his chest and stroked my hair. “Okay.”
“I want all the things at once. I’m a selfish bitch who can’t make up her mind. I want you and all my friends here. But I also want music school for Kit. And I want the farm and my siblings.”
I hiccupped, burying my face in his shirt. I couldn’t stop the tears.
“This is embarrassing,” I said when I caught my breath. “I’m having an adult tantrum.”
Brian laughed. “It’s the cutest tantrum I’ve ever seen.
” He tilted my face up so I was forced to look at him.
“It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s okay to be confused.
I’m here for you. I’ll listen, I’ll snuggle, and I’ll help you figure it out.
But it’s four a.m. Let’s get some sleep.
I promise we’ll work it out in the morning. ”
“Stop it.” I swatted at his chest. “You’re being too nice.”
He gently wiped the tears from my cheeks. “No. I love you, and I’m in this for the long haul. We’ve got work to do, problems to solve, and plans to make, but I’m not afraid of any of it, as long as I’ve got you by my side.”
“Stop being so perfect and sexy, and stop saying all the right things,” I whined, throwing my head back. “Because now I’m wide awake, and all I want is to lick every inch of your naked body and forget all my problems.”
Eyes flashing, he herded me toward the staircase. “Excellent plan.”