Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
S he knew all about the elephant in the room, but this was the airline reservation on the coffee table.
Jade watched as Liam’s gaze slid over to it. She’d offered to cook him a meal tonight and, knowing he would see it, she’d printed out her reservation and placed it on the table, next to the bowl of nuts. Every time, over the last few days, when she’d raised the fact she was going home, he’d quickly changed the subject.
It was now Thursday. She was flying out on Saturday.
She needed to know if she’d be saying goodbye, or see you again soon.
Handing him his beer, she glanced pointedly at the reservation. ‘I could cancel it.’ There. She’d got hold of the elephant and dragged it right in front of their noses.
His jaw muscle twitched. ‘No, you should go.’
‘Okay.’ She tried to keep her voice steady, but it was impossible when disappointment weighed so heavily inside her, her knees threatened to buckle. ‘And what about coming back. Do you think I should do that?’
‘I think you should do whatever you want to do.’
Frigging hell. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. ‘Okay, let’s put it another way. Do you want me to come back?’
There was a flare of irritation in the eyes that briefly met hers. ‘Of course I do. I’ve already told you that.’
In keeping with how he’d been the last few days, ever since Henry had taunted him with both his words and the perfectly gorgeous Sabrina on his arm, Liam had retreated behind an invisible gate, blocking her from getting close. ‘Why?’
‘Why do I want you to come back?’
‘Yes.’
He exhaled sharply, leaning forward, arms on his knees. ‘We’ve been through this. I care for you. I enjoy your company. Plus, you’ve made this big fuss of keeping the bookstore open.’
‘Oh, my God, sod the bookstore, what about us?’ Frustrated, fearful, she plonked herself down next to him. ‘We promised to keep talking to each other, but these last few days you’ve closed up. How am I supposed to make a life-changing decision when you won’t discuss how you feel?’
His eyes refused to meet hers. ‘What I feel is that you need to go home, pick up your life and work out for certain what you want before you make any big plans.’
‘Right, okay.’ Calm, she told herself, and inhaled a deep breath. ‘What I feel is that you’re pushing me away.’ She touched his cheek, forcing his eyes to meet hers. ‘Is that what you’re doing?’
‘I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.’ He exhaled harshly. ‘You’re asking for something I can’t give you. Asking me to make myself vulnerable when I’ve spent the vast majority of my life trying to make sure of the opposite.’ He jumped jerkily to his feet. ‘Jeremy can find one of the resort staff to manage the bookstore while you think about what you want to do.’
This was not how she’d envisaged her last few days going. Not after the closeness of the previous weeks. ‘I get that you’re protecting yourself, but this shield you’ve put up, it’s hurtful. You’re acting like you’re not bothered what I do, not bothered if you never see me again. Not bothered about me .’ Emotion lodged in her throat like a boulder. ‘And I swore not to let a man make me feel I wasn’t good enough ever again.’
He slammed his eyes shut, cursed. ‘You’re more than good enough. That’s not what this is about.’
‘Then what is it about?’
His gaze flew to hers. ‘It’s about being realistic, Jade. You’ve been here three months, half of which you spent hating me. It’s hardly a stable foundation for a life-changing decision.’ He dragged a hand through his hair in a jerky movement. ‘If you want to come back because of the island, because of the friends you’ve made, the bookstore, that’s different.’
‘So I can come back and work for you, but not come back for you?’
‘Fuck, Jade, I can’t let myself think about us.’ His gaze, when it finally met hers, was a mixture of bleak and tortured. ‘You think I’m not acutely aware how easy it’s going to be for you to forget me the moment you get off that plane and return to your real life?’
She let out a strangled laugh. ‘You are not a man anyone can easily forget.’
‘Oh no?’ His expression turned harsh. ‘Ask my mother. Or my father.’
And there it was, the pain he hid. A pain that was going to prevent her from ever being allowed into his heart. ‘You’ve named two people who never bothered to get to know you.’ Her own heart felt impossibly heavy as she stood to face him. ‘If they had, they would see what I see. A man it’s so easy to love, it’s ridiculous.’ She reached for her courage. ‘I’d be happy, no ecstatic , to stay if you asked me to. But you don’t want to know that, do you? You’d rather hide behind your wall of hurt and tell yourself you’re being sensible, protecting us both, when really all you’re doing is condemning yourself to a life half lived. And me to a life of missing you.’ Sadly, she bent to pick up his jacket and handed it to him. ‘I hope one day you’ll find someone worth ditching that hiding place for. Meanwhile, we should say goodbye.’
He looked stunned. ‘ Now ?’
‘Yes, now. Let’s not have a slow, drawn-out death.’
He took the jacket from her, hands gripping it so tight she could see his knuckles turning white. ‘I’m not ready to say goodbye.’
‘No? Then you need to work on giving out better signals because right now the only one I’m getting is that I don’t matter enough for you to shift out of your comfort zone.’ She stared him straight in the eye. ‘I’m willing to come back, to fight for us. But I deserve a man who’s willing to fight in return.’ With that, she reached up and planted a gentle kiss on his mouth. ‘Forgive me if I don’t see you out. I’m trying not to break down and blubber in front of you but I can guarantee if I have to wave you off, it will end in a mess of snot and tears. I refuse to let that be the last image you have of me.’
He swallowed, gaze raking her face, his eyes a dark storm cloud. Then he sighed, and drew her into his arms. She felt his lips press the top of her head. ‘This isn’t what I want.’
‘Then send me a clearer signal.’ The tears were massing, burning her eyelids. She didn’t want to listen to words of hope, when the last few days had only ever screamed hopeless. ‘Now go, before I embarrass both of us.’
She turned round, squeezing her eyes shut as she listened to the sound of his footsteps down the stairs. It was only when she heard the click of the door that she opened them.
She was steady as she picked up the undrunk beer, the bowl of nuts. Steady as she turned off the oven and took out the lasagne. Steady right until she spotted the bookworm teapot sitting on top of the worktop. Then she crumbled to the floor and let the tears flow.
* * *
Liam told himself it wasn’t being cowardly. Nantucket had taken his total focus for the last three months but now he had a resort manager in place– something he’d dragged his heels for far too long over when the solution had been obvious– it was time to check on his other two resorts.
So after a night of tossing and turning– the sleepless nights, absent while he’d been sharing a bed with Jade, had made a grim return– on Friday morning he headed the yacht in the direction of Cape Cod. There he met with his management team and for an hour he forgot all about Jade and the fact she was leaving tomorrow.
Her and her damn signals. What did she want from him? He’d been the one to ask her to stay in the first place, hadn’t he? He might have told her to go home, but he’d also said he wanted her to come back.
‘Liam?’
Fuck, he’d totally zoned out. ‘Sorry, can you repeat the question?’
The resort manager, Hank, gave him a quizzical look. ‘Is everything okay? You seem… distracted.’
‘I’m fine,’ he barked. Since when had he ever discussed anything other than work with these guys, anyway?
Hank nodded, repeated the question and as the meeting rolled on, he tried not to imagine Jade frowning at him in disappointment. He also refused to think of her when he apologised to Hank afterwards, telling him he was dealing with a personal issue.
He spent the afternoon at the Edgartown resort in Martha’s Vineyard, where the aforementioned lack of sleep and whisky overdose from the night before began to finally kick in.
By the time he dropped in on his grandma, his head was throbbing and he just wanted to crash. What he didn’t want was a message from Jeremy.
Jade changed her flight, she’s going home today. Presume this is your doing?
Angry with him for the dig, and Jade for fucking leaving , he stabbed out a reply.
She’s a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions.
Jeremy’s response didn’t pull any punches.
I hope, being a grown man, you let her make that decision with full knowledge of the facts? In other words, you didn’t chicken out of telling her how you felt?
Liam turned off his phone in disgust. And wished he could turn off the replay of last night just as easily.
‘Oh dear, what’s happened?’ His grandma gazed at him worriedly as she opened the door.
‘Nothing’s happened. I’ve spent the day either in meetings or travelling between meetings.’
She humphed. ‘Something you’ve spent your working life doing. What else has happened?’
‘Jeremy messaged to say Jade’s gone home today, that’s all. It leaves us scrambling to replace her.’
‘I see.’ The look she gave him told him she saw right through him.
He shifted awkwardly. ‘Actually, you don’t. She was always going home, so this put it forward a day, that’s all.’
He tried not to flinch as she studied his face. ‘Is she coming back?’
‘I don’t know. I doubt it.’
‘Did you ask her to?’
‘Of course.’ Maybe he’d gone about it in a half-assed way, but he was done being rejected. Fucking done. Even if he’d dropped to his knees and pleaded with her to return, how long before their relationship fizzled out? Before she realised she could do a lot better than the emotionally stunted local pariah?
‘Did you tell her you loved her?’
Oh, no. He wasn’t doing this. Moving past her, he walked into the kitchen and threw open the fridge door. ‘I don’t.’
While he gazed, unseeing, at the jars of condiments– how many things did she need to spread on her bread?– he felt her come up behind and wrap her wiry arms around him. ‘Time to stop being that angry young man, afraid to let people in.’
With a deep sigh, he closed the fridge door. ‘I’ve tried. It’s not that easy.’
She reached to clasp his face. ‘You’re my grandson and I know you. You’re strong. You can do anything you put your mind to. Your father, mother, April, those boys at school, Sabrina… their rejection wasn’t a reflection on you, it was a reflection on them. They were too ignorant, too selfish to realise what they lost by not including you in their lives. Jade is neither.’
‘It was her choice to leave.’
Her expression turned sad. ‘But you gave her nothing to stay for.’
‘I gave her the bookstore she loves.’
She patted his cheek. ‘I know you’re smarter than that.’
Smart was one thing. Scared was another. So it was good it had ended on his terms, wasn’t it? That he’d been in control this time. ‘The house is ready,’ he said, anxious to change the subject.
She smiled. ‘When do you want to move in?’
‘As soon as possible.’ He paused, picturing himself back on the island, walking past the bookstore, sitting on Sconset beach. Having a drink at the resort bar. Jade would be everywhere. ‘I think I’m going to find it very hard living in Nantucket without you.’
She patted his hand. ‘Then I’ll get packing tomorrow.’
‘What about John? Will you be okay leaving him?’
‘You don’t need to worry about me. John’s got a boat. I’m sure I’ll be seeing him. But you won’t be happy unless you persuade that lovely girl back. And if my senses haven’t failed me, she won’t need much persuading. Now, go and relax while I fix us both some supper.’
Head feeling heavy, his heart even more so, he dragged himself over to her sofa and slumped down on it. He wanted to rest, to forget everything, but his brain wouldn’t let him. For the first time in his life, he didn’t know what to do. He knew what he wanted , but he didn’t know if he had the backbone, the resilience, to go after it. And even if he had, how did he get there?
Without conscious thought, he powered his phone back on and dialled the one person he thought could help him.
‘Are you phoning as my boss?’ Jeremy answered. ‘Because if you are I need to tell you, respectfully, that you’ve majorly fucked up.’
He shut his eyes and leaned back against the sofa. ‘And if I’m calling as your friend?’
‘Then I’ll take out the “respectfully”.’ There was a pause. ‘You know nobody can replace her, don’t you? And I’m not just talking about the bookstore, which I’ve asked Ramona to take care of, by the way. Temporarily, I hope.’
The thought of the store being managed by someone else tore at Liam’s heart.
‘Of course whether you can be replaced is up for discussion,’ Jeremy added, an edge to his voice that Liam didn’t appreciate. ‘Jade will be hard-pressed to find someone else with your particular brand of broody, stubborn, closed off bloody-mindedness. Then again, she may prefer to go for a warm, sensitive, romantic sort?—’
‘I get the picture,’ he gritted out, that tear in his heart now a full-blown rip. This is what he’d set himself up for? Not just life without her, but life without her in the knowledge he’d stood back and allowed it to happen. She’d said she wanted a man to fight for her, yet he’d been too scared of injury to risk going into battle. ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but are you around tomorrow? I need to pick your brains.’