10. Theres Nothing Planned About This
10
There's Nothing Planned About This
What I want to leave behind is three happy, well-adjusted adults who are kind and resilient. The laughter and silly jokes, the scraped knees I kissed better, the bedtime stories, the love I created in this house. That’s what I did.
Savannah Lamb, recipe blogger
LUCIE
S avannah didn’t know it, but we’d assigned a schedule of check-ins with her.
Carly was Mondays, Tessa was Wednesdays, and I was Fridays. We gave her the weekends off because that’s when her kids usually called or went by for a visit, and that always seemed to cheer her up.
“Hi, honey,” I said when she answered my video call.
“Lucie! What a surprise!” She leaned back against her ’90s-style oak kitchen cabinets.
I grinned. How had she not figured out it was no accident I’d call her on a Friday? “Just thinking of you on my walk to work.”
“Be careful, sweetie. You wouldn’t want to trip and fall.”
“Don’t be such a mom.” I glanced down at her face on the screen, then back to the crowded sidewalk. “I’ve got my eyes on the sidewalk, see?” A guy in a blue suit walked ahead of me. “What are you doing?”
“The banana bread is in the oven, and I was about to start brownies in case the kids come over this weekend.”
Uh-oh. Was she stress baking or only regular baking? It was hard to tell with Savannah. I couldn’t recall seeing her in any room other than her kitchen on our video chats.
“You feeling okay?” I paused at the don’t-walk sign.
“Of course. Baking relaxes me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you need relaxing from?”
“Oh, you know… Life. Jason and I had another conversation last night. He doesn’t understand why I won’t move back into the bedroom with him.”
“Did you tell him why?”
“I tried. I told him I don’t feel like he values me as a person, only as the woman who cooks and cleans and…you know.”
“Good for you!” The light turned green, and I stepped into the crosswalk. “What did he say?”
“That of course he values me. That he cares about me. That we’ve come too far to throw away our marriage.”
Huh. Dude had upped his game since their last conversation, when he’d only whined that they needed to reconnect in bed. “Do you believe him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, until he asked if I could make his colonoscopy appointment.”
I shook my head. “How’s the counseling going?”
“We haven’t found a time to go yet. He’s so busy…”
Too busy to save his marriage? How could he not try anything he could to stay with her? But Savannah and I had been over this before, and from the look on her face, she was replaying it right now. Time for a distraction. “Are you going to see your kids this weekend?”
“My daughter’s coming over this weekend. She’s bringing her boyfriend.”
“Ooh. Meeting the parents? Think you’re going to like him?”
“I’ve already met him, and he’s fine, I guess. But she’s too young to get serious.”
“How old is she?”
“Twenty-three.”
“And how old were you when you got married?”
“Twenty-two. Don’t laugh. I was definitely too young to get married. I see that now.”
Watching Savannah on my screen, I’d stopped looking where I was going and bumped into blue-suit guy. “Sorry,” I muttered through the pain radiating through my chest. He hadn’t even noticed, but I had to stop walking and take a minute until the stars cleared my vision.
“Lucie, what’s wrong?”
I took in a shallow breath and blew it out. “Wasn’t watching where I was going and bumped into someone. I’m PMSing hard, and my boobs are super-tender. It’s torture to even put on a bra.”
“Weren’t you PMSing the last time I saw you?” she asked. “And that was, like, three weeks ago.”
“It couldn’t have been more than…” No, she was right. They’d just printed the story about the migrants, and I’d written at least three pieces since then.
“You haven’t had your period since then?”
“I’ve always been irregular.” I looked at her face, hoping she’d tell me it was fine, and I’d believe it. But deep inside, I knew it wasn’t fine. I’d experienced this once before. But I was no terrified college student this time. This time, I could take care of myself. And maybe someone else.
“And there’s a… um, reason you might be missing your period?”
I closed my eyes. Goddamn broken condom. I nodded.
“Is there a drugstore nearby?” she asked. “I’ll stay on while you take the test.”
“Really?” I swallowed. “You don’t mind?”
“No, sweetie. You shouldn’t be alone for this.”
“I—okay.” Ahead on the left was the drugstore where I’d planned to get Plan B weeks ago before the big story had distracted me. “Hang tight. We’re going in.”
I marched through the automatic door and found the “Family Planning” aisle. There was nothing planned about this. Ironically, the pregnancy test kits were next to the display of condoms, including a box of the kind that had turned out to be faulty, beside the Plan B I should’ve bought weeks ago.
“What kind should I get?” I whispered into the phone. “The early result kind?”
“Oh, sugar, it’s not early anymore. You can get the regular one. Get the one with two tests because, if I know you, you’re going to want to double-check it.”
“A broken prophylactic got me into this,” I muttered. “Damn right I’m going to verify the results.” I bypassed the box with two tests and picked up three single tests from three different brands and marched to the check-out.
Chin high, I glared at the woman who took my card, but she didn’t bother looking up as she silently completed the transaction. I shoved the tests into my satchel and strode out.
“Are you going home to do it?” Savannah asked.
“No, I’ve got to go to work. There’s a family-style restroom on the ground floor.” It took only a few minutes to walk to the newspaper building and get through the security turnstile. I practically ran to the single-user restroom and flipped the lock.
I turned off my video and set my phone on the counter, then ripped into the first test. I read the instructions out loud. Same with the second and third tests. They were all pretty similar. Pee on the plastic stick and wait.
My fingers trembled as I ripped the tests from their wrappers and lined them up on the counter. “Okay,” I said. “I’m going to do the tests now. Plug your ears if you don’t want to hear me pee.”
“Let ’er rip,” Savannah said.
Taking a deep breath, I sat on the toilet. I’d had a lot of coffee, and it was no problem to take all three tests in succession. I arranged them on a paper towel on the counter.
After washing my hands, I turned my video on. “Now what?”
“You read the instructions. Wait three minutes. Set a timer.”
I did. Then I grimaced. “What I really mean is…now what?”
“Oh, sugar.” Her lips turned down, and her voice dripped with wisteria and sympathy. “Have you thought about whether you want to…keep it?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be in this position, you know? I…I’d thought about IVF after my last birthday, but I never did anything but the initial consultation. I’m thirty-fucking-nine. I’ll be forty in August. I thought I’d missed my chance.”
Savannah growled. “I wish I could come there and give you a hug.”
“It’s okay.” I leaned against the tile wall. “It means a lot that you’re talking me through this.”
“You didn’t tell us about the IVF. Does that mean you want a child?”
“I…I don’t know. I don’t know how it’d fit into my life.” Mario popped into my brain. He’d freak out when he remembered I wasn’t actually one of the guys. He’d hate having to cover my maternity leave. And my book! How would I finish it with a baby?
“What about the father? Do you, um, know who he is?” She winced.
“God, Savannah. I don’t have that many hookups. Of course I know who it is. The condom broke, and I forgot to get emergency contraception. Goddammit. How is it fair that this is all on me?”
“It’s true that it’s your body that will have to carry the baby…if you decide to keep it. But it’s not all on you. The father has responsibilities and choices too. And you know we’re all here for you. You won’t be alone.”
I grabbed another paper towel and blotted my eyes. “Dammit, Savannah, you’re making my mascara run.”
“Better get the waterproof. Pregnancy hormones are a bitch. When I was pregnant, I couldn’t watch those Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials without losing it.”
The timer on my phone beeped. “Ready?” she asked.
“No.”
“You’ll never be ready. Do you want me to look?”
“We’ll look together.” Taking a deep breath, I turned my phone so she could see while I examined the test sticks. I exhaled.
“Congratulations?” she said.