13. A What for the What?
13
A What for the What?
It’s not only about building a successful company that empowers people to feel beautiful. It’s also about showing women they can lead, proving that you can be a strong businesswoman and a dedicated mom. I want to inspire others to chase their dreams and find balance in their lives.
Mercy Echegini, CEO of Costus Flower Beauty
LUCIE
I was in the zone. I couldn’t feel my body or my fingertips on my keyboard. It was almost like the runner’s high Tad droned on about at work. The words appeared on the white page of my word processing program, flowing like magic directly from my brain, or possibly divine inspiration. Words about values and strong women and legacy.
A bang on my door startled me, and my fingers convulsed on the keyboard. A large block of text highlighted briefly, then disappeared.
“Control-Z! Control-Z!” I shouted. But saying it as I banged the keys didn’t help. It only deleted another block of text. My hands shot off the keyboard like I’d been shocked.
Another bang. “Fuck,” I grumbled. Then louder, “Coming.”
I heaved myself out of my chair. Ouch. Suddenly, I felt my body again, and my lower back was not happy about how long I’d been sitting. I hobbled to the door.
A low, urgent voice came through the door. “Lucie, it’s Danny. Can you open up? This is heavy.”
I flipped the lock and threw open the door.
“Thank fuck,” Leo said, backing through the door. I scrambled out of the way as they carried an old-fashioned crib into my apartment. Inside were two laundry baskets full of tiny sheets, blankets, and clothes smaller than I’d thought possible.
“Where can we put this?” Danny asked. “Do you have a spot picked out for the nursery?”
“A what for the what?” My brain was still half in my book.
Danny’s forehead crinkled. “You know, where the baby’s going to sleep.”
Baby? Sleep?
For the next six months, it would sleep right where Danny’s sperm had lodged it in my uterus. I didn’t have to worry about that yet. I glanced around my apartment like a second bedroom would magically appear. Danny’s and Leo’s arms trembled with the weight they held. “I guess…over there?” I gestured at the empty space next to my desk.
There was a stack of books on the floor, so I scurried to shift them out of the way as the two men lumbered toward it with the crib. Grunting, they set it down.
“Um…thanks,” I said. I glanced at my computer screen. I could only vaguely remember what I’d been writing before they’d banged on my door, and I was almost positive I could recreate it if I could get my hands back on the keyboard?—
“We’ll be right back with the rest,” Danny said.
“Rest?”
“Yeah,” Leo said. “We’ve got a dresser, a crib mattress, and three more bags of clothes and bottles and other baby shit.”
Bottles? Clothes? My breathing quickened like I’d been the one who’d carried a crib up two flights of stairs. “Could you come back later?”
Danny had been wiping sweat from his forehead, but he dropped his hand, his brown eyes wide with hope. “You mean you want me to come back after we’ve dropped off the baby stuff?”
“No. I mean, can you give me a couple of hours before you bring the rest of the stuff? I’m working.”
“Working?” Leo scoffed. “You’re on social media.” He waved at my second screen, which had Mercy Echegini’s Instagram pulled up. My conscience twinged. My father didn’t think I did proper work either.
“Lucie’s a writer, Leo,” Danny said through gritted teeth. “She’s doing research.” He grabbed Leo’s arm. “We’ll put the rest of the stuff in my apartment. Let me know when to come back, okay? My shift doesn’t start until six.”
“Thanks.” My gaze drifted back to my screen, and it jogged my cloudy memory about what I’d written earlier. If I could get these two out of my apartment, I was certain I’d be able to recapture it. Without looking, I stepped toward the door and bumped into something hard.
Danny’s chest.
His black T-shirt was a little damp, and it smelled…fantastic. I took a deep inhale. He smelled like soap. Faintly floral detergent, plus that cheap green woodsy drugstore soap. And the slight musk of his sweat. I wanted to bury my face in his chest and bring the scent deep into my lungs. Instead, I looked into his eyes, which glittered with an expression I couldn’t identify. Didn’t want to identify. I stepped back.
“Off you go. Thanks for…” I waved at the crib, which wouldn’t be useful as anything but a laundry hamper for months. “Thanks for all this.”
Danny’s feet stayed planted, crowding me just like that crib. “Sure. Just text when I can bring up the rest of it.”
“Okay. You guys can let yourselves out.” Because if I followed him to the door, I might not let him leave. I sank into my chair and listened to his sneakers squeak across the hardwoods.
“Bye, Lucie,” he said from the door.
I set one hand on the keyboard and raised the other in a dismissive wave. “Bye.”
I stared at the screen, but no words came to me.
The zone? I couldn’t find it again with a map and a bloodhound.
T he crib seemed to take up more space as the hours passed. Although it was silent and empty now, its presence reminded me that sooner than I was ready, there’d be another human in my apartment who’d steal my attention more effectively than Danny and his brother had. Every few minutes, my eyes would stray from my screen to the crib. Once, I even thought I heard a baby cry, but it was only a cat down in the alley.
I had plenty of time to prepare for the baby later. What I didn’t have time to do was fuck around with my book. My manuscript had to be done by the time the baby came, or I might never finish. I’d end up like my mother, a prisoner to other people’s needs, never having time for my own goals. I ripped my gaze from the crib back to my screen. More words, I urged myself.
I’d finally started to write again when another knock came at my door.
“Shit, Danny,” I muttered. “This baby’s going to have more changes of clothes than Beyoncé at a concert.”
I made sure to click Save before I hauled myself out of my chair. My toe snagged on something hard, and pain shot up my leg. “Ow!” Goddamn crib.
I kicked it with the side of my other foot for good measure, and a pang shot across my instep. I howled again before tossing out a series of curse words.
I hobbled to the door and wrenched it open. “Damn it, Danny, I don’t need?—”
Savannah stood in the hall, both eyebrows raised. “What don’t you need from Danny?”
“Nothing,” I grumbled, stepping aside to let her in.
“I tried to call first,” she said, “but…”
“I keep my phone off when I’m working,” I said.
“Bad time?”
“No.” I sighed. “I wasn’t getting much writing done anyway, with the interruptions.” I gestured at the crib.
“You bought a crib?” She stepped closer to examine it.
“No, Danny and his brother brought it. They have a ton more stuff to bring me, apparently.”
Savannah peered at the crib. “How old is this thing?”
“I don’t know.”
She jiggled the side. “It’s clean, but…oh no.”
“What’s ‘oh no’?”
With a clatter, one side of the crib fell. “These things have been illegal for at least ten years,” she said. “I mean, I used a drop-side crib for all four of my kids without an issue, but they’re banned. You can’t use this.”
I snorted. “Great. I already thought it was useless, and now it’s even more so. Can’t the baby just sleep with me for a while?”
Savannah’s eyes widened. “No! That’s even more dangerous than this crib. You could roll over her, or she could roll out of the bed onto the floor. Or the pillows and blankets could smother her.”
“Shit,” I said, horrified. “Sometimes I roll onto my stomach in my sleep. Could that hurt the baby?” I rubbed my belly.
“No,” she said. “By the time the baby’s big enough that sleeping on your stomach could hurt her, you’ll be too uncomfortable to sleep that way. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ve got a lot to learn.” And when would I have time to learn it? If I was going to finish writing this book before the baby came, I didn’t have time to fall into a baby research rabbit hole.
“Well, that’s why I brought you this.” Savannah reached into her enormous purse and pulled out a small, wrapped package. When I took it from her, I could tell it was a paperback. A thick one.
“What’s this?” I untied the bow, then pulled off the wrapping paper.
“It’s The Book,” she said, and I could tell she thought of it with the same reverence as the Bible. “It’s the only one you need.”
There was a silhouette of a pregnant woman sitting in a rocking chair on the pink cover. I flipped to the table of contents.
“Everything you need to know is in there. It’s an updated version of the one I read when I was pregnant the first time. Of course, you can ask me anything too.”
“Thanks.” I bit my lip. “First question: do babies really need all this shit?”
She pulled the side of the crib back up, and it locked with a clatter. “They need a safe place to sleep. Diapers. Tons of diapers. A few changes of clothes, depending how often you plan to do laundry. Milk—though we won’t get into breastfeeding yet—and lots of love. That’s really it.”
She stepped closer and grabbed my hand. “I’m more worried about what you need. Raising a baby is difficult, especially on your own. Remember, you’ve got me and the rest of the gang to help.”
For some reason, my eyes prickled. “Damn hormones,” I said, wiping a tear off my cheek. “I’m fine.”
That was a lie. I wasn’t fine.
“I’ll be fine,” I amended. I needed a plan to get through the next six months. And then the next eighteen years after that. What if I sucked at it? What if the kid felt neglected because I wasn’t at every school pickup and practice like my mom was? “Or will I? Am I doing the right thing by keeping the baby?”
“It’s not too late to change your mind,” Savannah said. “But you said you were considering IVF. Why did you want to be a mother?”
“I guess…I guess it all happened when I was thinking about this legacy project. I’ve talked to a lot of brilliant women without kids, including Carly and Tessa. They all seem happy with their professional legacies. But I realized that this book isn’t the only thing I want to leave behind. I might not agree with her career decisions, but my mom was a great mother. Is a great mother. And when I thought about leaving this earth without raising a child, it seemed…unfulfilling.”
“Everyone wants something different out of life,” Savannah said. “I’m glad you’re being intentional about it.”
I flashed her a wry smile. “Getting knocked up while on deadline is probably the least intentional thing I’ve ever done.”
“You know what I mean. Regardless, we’re all here to support you in whatever way you need.”
The fact that my friend was standing here in my apartment on a Monday afternoon because she had a feeling I might need her was proof of that. “Thanks,” I said. “I’d love some help.”
She gathered me into a hug. “Great. Text me the details of your next doctor’s appointment, and I’ll go with you.” Savannah gave the best hugs. No wonder she was such a great mom. But when she stepped back, I noticed her smile wasn’t as bright as it usually was.
“Sit.” I led her to my couch and sprawled in the corner. “What’s going on with you?”
She eased onto the other end of the couch, straightened her tunic over her leggings, then tucked her blond hair back behind her ears.
“I…I found out Jason’s cheating on me.” She sniffed.
“Oh my god!” I scooted closer to her. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“How’d you find out? Was it a Carly situation? Did the girlfriend show up at your house? Wait, do you need a drink? I’ve got wine. Or we can go to the bar.”
“Wine?” she asked. “When’s the last time you had a glass of water? You need to hydrate.” She jumped up from the couch and went to my kitchen.
I followed her. “What happened, Savannah?”
She found the pitcher and poured two glasses of water. “It’s like he wanted me to find out.” She handed me a glass and waited until I took a gulp. “I’d told him I wanted to go see that new rom-com at the movie theater.”
“The one with Helen Choi?” I asked. Carly had styled her for the premiere.
“Yes. But he kept putting me off. So, I decided to go by myself on Friday afternoon while he was working. It felt amazing. I got unbuttered popcorn because I hate having greasy fingers. And I sat in the back row. I like to feel like I’m at the movies, you know? Jason always sits in the front because it’s more immersive.
“But as I was sitting there, waiting for the movie to start, he walked in with his arm around another woman.”
“No!” My face prickled with secondhand humiliation. “What did you do?”
“I tried to enjoy the movie. But I couldn’t. I kept watching them. So, I walked out.”
“And then?” This was better than any rom-com. I grabbed a bag of M&Ms from a cabinet and poured them into a cereal bowl. I held it out to Savannah.
“I shouldn’t,” she said. I pressed the bowl into her hand. “Okay, fine.” She popped one into her mouth. “When he got home, he told me he’d gone to happy hour with a couple of colleagues.”
“He did not!” I grabbed a handful of candy.
She took another piece and nodded. “I told him I’d seen him. After a while he…he told me he’d done it because he wasn’t getting enough affection at home.”
“No!” I said, horrified. “I hope you ripped him a new one.”
“No. I—” She took a deep breath. “I asked him if he wanted to stay married. He said yes, but…” She picked up another piece of candy and examined it.
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know,” she said.
I bit my tongue. Literally. Otherwise, I’d tell her she should know what she wanted, and it shouldn’t be to stay married to her douche of a husband. Just like I’d tell my mother if she ever asked me. But Savannah wasn’t asking me either.
I took a deep breath. “Same thing you said. We’re all here to support you in whatever way you need. Though…” I glanced at the crib. “If you need a place to stay, maybe ask Tessa. I think I’m at maximum occupancy here.”
“You’ve got enough going on. I’m sorry I said anything about my troubles.”
I gripped her shoulder. “Never apologize for that. I’m always here for you. To listen or help. Whatever you need. That’s what best friends do.”
A tear spilled onto her cheek. “We’ll get through this. We’re goddesses, remember?”
“Goddesses,” I agreed.