23. Pregnancy Hormones Are the Worst
23
Pregnancy Hormones Are the Worst
My legacy is the confidence and sense of self-worth I inspired in my clients. I hope people see all the different body types I’ve styled and realize that they are beautiful and can express their personal aesthetic in whatever body they inhabit.
Carly Rose, celebrity stylist
LUCIE
W hen it buzzed, I glanced down at my phone. Another text from my mother. This one began, Sweetie, I’m so sorry about that day at brunch…
I swiped the notification away. Tonight was about my girls, not my mother’s fake apologies. She’d been trying for a month to restore our family’s peace. Fuck peace. I didn’t need it.
My stomach swooped at the knock on my door even though I was expecting my friends.
“Calm down,” I muttered as if it was the baby who wanted to see Danny. Danny was working tonight like he did every Saturday night. I stroked my belly. It felt hard and tight. I rubbed a circle on it as I walked to the door and opened it.
Carly was on the other side, an expression of elation on her face and bags weighing down both shoulders.
“Hey.” I stepped aside so she could enter. “What’s in the bags?”
“A surprise,” she said, clutching the one over her right shoulder. It had a mesh panel in the front like the bag Danny carried to the gym. I doubted Carly’s surprise was a pair of stinky sneakers.
“Damn, I was hoping it was dinner,” I said.
“You don’t want me to be responsible for food. Savannah’s bringing that.”
“I know, babe.” I kissed her cheek. “Though I trust you to order takeout.”
“Hold the door,” Tessa called. She carried a couple of reusable grocery bags into my apartment.
“What did you bring?” I asked.
“Drinks. I’m going to set them up in the kitchen.”
I sighed. “Got it.” I missed our Wednesday happy hours. “I’ve got seltzer in the fridge.” Danny had kindly brought me my favorite flavors, but none of them compared to a margarita.
I peered into the hallway. “Where’s Savannah?”
“I’m sure she’ll be here soon,” Tessa said.
I checked my phone. No texts from her. “Traffic from Sacramento can be a bitch.”
Tessa set her bags on my counter and started opening cabinets. “I wish she’d move here. I’m worried about her.”
After one last scan of the hallway, I shut the door. “Why? What’s going on?”
“She hasn’t said anything, but things aren’t great with her husband.” Tessa slammed a cabinet door closed. “Jason.” Her lip curled when she said his name.
“Ugh,” I agreed. “I hate him more than any other person I’ve never met.”
“Right?” Carly said. She dropped one of her bags on the floor next to the couch. She gracefully lowered herself to sit—as a former model, she did almost everything with style—and gently settled the other bag onto her lap.
“What’s the surprise?” I asked, flopping into my favorite chair, ungracefully.
“Ah-ah. Not until we’re all here.”
“I hate surprises,” Tessa said, still hunting through my cabinets.
“This is a good one,” Carly said. “I promise.”
“No such thing,” Tessa grumbled. “I give up. Where are your wineglasses?”
“Danny moved them since I wouldn’t be needing them for a while.” I waved at the coat closet. “They’re in a box on the top shelf.”
She arched an auburn eyebrow. “Removing temptation?”
“Making room for ‘healthy snacks.’” I made air quotes. “He filled my cabinets with dried fruit and granola bars and shit. So far, I’ve only eaten the chocolate-covered ones.”
She opened the closet door and, with her Amazonian height, pulled down the box. “What else is he keeping at your place? A change of clothes? A toothbrush?”
My face burned. “It’s not like that.” Though I almost wished it was. With my stomach making it more and more obvious every day that this was really happening, my brain was busy when it should have been sleeping. I’d been thinking about what I was going to do about that death crib, where my daughter would sleep when she was too big for a crib, and where I was going to come up with a college fund. Not to mention that damn end-of-November book deadline looming over me like a guillotine’s blade. The couple of times I’d slept with Danny, his arms around me were like a lead blanket protecting me from my racing thoughts. I needed that comfort.
“You’re sure it’s not like that?” Carly asked.
“No! We’re just friends. And co-parents to be. Sure, we had some fun, but we want different things.”
“What kind of different things?” Tessa asked, handing me a wineglass of something that looked like sangria. Sliced oranges and berries floated on top of a sparkling red liquid. She handed another glass to Carly, then sat in the chair next to mine, listening.
“He’s supposed to be buying the bar downstairs, but his brother’s not all in on it. He comes from a big family, and he probably wants to buy a house next door to his mom in the suburbs and raise a half-dozen kids. Which is exactly what I don’t want. I want to focus on my career.” Even though at least once a week, Mario shot a suspicious look at my belly. I was going to have to tell him about the pregnancy soon, but I knew once I did, I’d get all the shitty fluff-pieces.
“Danny’s so young,” I added. “He’s still figuring his shit out. And once he does, he probably won’t want to live downstairs from a woman who’s ten years older than he is with a kid.”
“You mean the woman who’s the mother of his kid?” Tessa asked.
“It was a mistake. I made a ton of mistakes in my twenties that I regret. Mistakes I’m glad aren’t holding me back from what I want to be in my forties.”
“How do you know that’s how he’ll feel?” Carly asked. “Just because he’s young doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he wants. Andrew does.”
“God, if I were Andrew, I’d know what I wanted, too, and that’s you,” I said with a smirk.
Carly blushed.
“Besides, your man’s a few years older than Danny,” I said. “He went to college. He’s fully baked.”
“Don’t be elitist,” Tessa said. “Just because he didn’t go to college doesn’t mean he’s incapable of determining his life path.”
“You’re right.” I gazed into my drink. “I sound like my dad.”
Tessa flashed me a rueful smile. “We all sound a little like our dads.” She stood and got her glass from the kitchen. “A toast. To being smarter than our parents and giving people a chance.”
I sipped the nonalcoholic sangria. It burned my mouth, and not in a good way. It was like I’d bitten into a raw cranberry. My mouth puckered. I choked it down when I really wanted to spray the drink across the room. “This is cranberry juice!”
“What’d you think I was giving you? Wine?” Tessa took another cautious sip. “At least it’s pretty.”
Danny would never serve me swill like that. “Come on, hand it over.” I gathered up the glasses and carried them into the kitchen. I strained out the disgusting mock sangria and refilled the glasses with orange-flavored seltzer.
I handed the drinks back to my friends. “Still pretty, and less cranberry.”
We drank, and although there was a little tartness left over from the cranberry juice, the drink was inoffensive.
“We need to plan your birthday party, Lucie,” Carly said.
“Ugh, forty,” I groaned.
“Remember, you’ll never be this young again,” she said.
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“We should do something fun like ziplining,” Tessa said, “or a trip!”
“She’s pregnant, remember?” Carly said. “She can’t go ziplining. And is she even allowed to travel?” They stared at me, eyebrows raised.
“Travel’s okay until the last month. But I’d prefer something low-key. Maybe a party at Barb’s?”
“You and that bar.” Tessa rolled her eyes. “It’s like you’re that guy from Cheers.”
“It’s true. Everybody does know my name.” And if we had it down there, it wouldn’t be weird to invite Danny. Plus, my parents would be unlikely to show up. Two points for Barb’s.
“Do you think we could get Danny’s brother to cater?” Carly asked. “His food is to die for.”
“Maybe. I’ll ask,” I said.
“Okay,” Tessa said. “When Savannah gets here, we’ll schedule it.”
A tap sounded on the door. “Perfect timing,” Tessa said. I rocked my weight forward, readying myself to stand. “Sit down. I’ve got it.” She walked to the door and opened it.
“There you are,” she said, hugging Savannah. “We were worried.”
“I, um, I got a late start,” Savannah said.
“Everything okay?” Tessa asked.
“Not really.”
With effort, I hauled myself off the chair. “Sit down. Need a little vodka in your seltzer?”
“No, thanks. I’ll drink whatever you’re having.” She hugged Carly, then flopped onto the sofa next to her. “What’s in the bag?”
“A surprise,” Carly said. “I was saving it until you got here, but it can wait until you tell us what’s going on.”
I brought in a seltzer topped with the remaining fruit and handed it to Savannah. Then I slumped into my chair and waited.
“Surprise first,” she said. “Maybe it’ll help.”
Carly dragged the bigger bag in front of her feet. “First surprise…” She pulled out a pink makeup case. “It’s makeover night! I’ve got nail polish, facial masks, hair dye, and makeup, of course.”
Savannah’s dull expression brightened. “That sounds fun.”
“What’s the other surprise?” I asked.
She zipped open the bag with the mesh side and lifted out something reddish brown and white—and furry. “Andrew and I got a dog. Ladies, meet Chanel.”
The dog had long ears and sad-looking eyes. She was clipped short all over, and her tail, which didn’t even wag, looked scraggly. She shivered in Carly’s arms. But she had two jaunty blue bows perched on top of her ears.
Savannah cooed while Carly held the dog protectively. “She’s a rescue, and she’s a little fearful of strangers. We’ll give her a minute to adjust and then you can pet her if you like.”
Savannah shoved her hands under her thighs as if to stop herself from touching the dog. “She’s adorable.”
“What’s up with her fur?” I asked.
“Poor thing.” Carly stroked her side. “We rescued her from a puppy mill. She’d been used for breeding. Her fur was all matted, and her tail was just unspeakable. It all had to go. But it ought to grow back, and with a good diet and lots of brushing, she’ll be gorgeous. Though she’s already beautiful, aren’t you, Chanel?” She kissed the dog’s white blaze.
Savannah gave Carly a wry smile, then held out her palm for the dog to sniff. When the dog licked her thumb, Savannah scratched her under her chin. “Sounds like a familiar story. I’m an old, used-up mother too.”
We all protested, but Tessa was loudest. “Don’t say that. Don’t even think that. You are beautiful and valuable.”
“We all love you, Savannah,” Carly said. “What’s going on?”
She took a few seconds to formulate her words. “Remember how Jason cheated on me? Well, he…he’s still doing it.”
“He’s what?” I burst out. “What the fuck?”
“He’s been using a dating app,” she said.
“He’s married. Why the hell is he on an app?” Tessa said through a tight jaw.
“He…he called it a plea for attention.”
“Attention?” I snorted. “More like a plea for a divorce.”
“He didn’t even bother hiding it.” Savannah looked down into her lap. “He used his regular credit card, the one I pay with all the other bills. To, you know, buy the subscription and pay for…” She took a shuddering breath. “Dates.”
Carly plopped the dog onto Savannah’s lap. “What did he say when you confronted him?”
Savannah stroked Chanel’s ears. “Same stuff as before. That I wasn’t giving him enough…affection. Sex, basically. Menopause has been rough on me, and I haven’t felt…sexy, you know?”
Only Carly had started perimenopause, but we all rushed to say something, anything, to comfort her. “Not being able to trust your partner zaps libido too,” was my contribution.
Carly put a hand on her shoulder. “What are you going to do?”
“Divorce him,” I said, “obviously.”
Carly gave me a warning look. “It’s not that simple. Marriages can be complicated and messy. Savannah might not want that.”
“Or she might,” Tessa said.
“I want to think about it for a minute,” Savannah said. “He promised to go to counseling this time.”
“If you decide to end it,” Carly said, “I can refer you to my divorce lawyer.”
“No offense,” Tessa said, “but your lawyer sucked if she couldn’t get you out of that awful prenup. I know someone.”
“You’re probably right,” Carly said. “Though it turned out fine in the end. I’m free of my ex, and I’m doing great. Whatever you decide, you’ll be fine too, Savannah.”
“And we’re here for you,” I said. “Whatever you need.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, finally looking up. Her eyes were red and puddled with tears. “You three are the best. I’m so glad we found each other.”
Tessa reached across and gripped Savannah’s hand. “So am I.”
“Me too.” Carly squeezed her shoulder.
“God-fucking-dammit,” I said, wiping tears off my cheeks. “I’m glad too, but stop making me cry. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Pregnancy hormones,” Savannah said. “They’re the worst. Have you had any new symptoms?”
I blinked and sniffled. “Stop worrying about me. Worry about yourself and what you need.”
“You should read The Book,” she said.
“Yeah, yeah.” My stomach tensed. But it wasn’t my stomach. It was lower, and when I touched it, my belly felt as hard as stone. Maybe I should read that damned book.
“Looks like Lucie’s hungry,” Tessa said.
“Darn it, I was supposed to bring dinner, wasn’t I?” Savannah said. “I forgot with everything going on.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Tessa said. “I’ll order delivery. How does pasta sound?”
“Carbs won’t solve anything,” Savannah said, “but they’ll make me feel better.”
“With a salad, please,” Carly said.
“And garlic breadsticks. I don’t care about the indigestion,” I added. “Carly, in the meantime, it’s time to make us gorgeous.”
“We’re already gorgeous,” she said. “But this is going to be fun.”
And it was. Getting support from my besties, and giving it right back, was just what I needed to convince myself everything was going to be okay.