NOVA
The gnawing panic returned with a vengeance once Boone told me goodnight. Paranoia wouldn’t allow me to sleep. I kept checking on the girls. Dan caught me walking between the two rooms and asked if I was okay. I only nodded before hugging him and holding on too tightly.
Dan stroked my head and offered me reassurances, but I kept feeling like something bad was about to happen. My brother sensed I was in a bad place and tucked me into bed. Rather than leave, he stood at the window until my eyes grew heavy enough for me to sleep.
At the sound of my alarm, I woke to the feel of pressure on my chest. Sitting up, I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn’t inhale deeply. Every breath was shallow. A building fear kept me twitchy.
Dan noticed right away. Lula saw his frowning face and looked me over.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I feel strange, like I can’t breathe right.”
“Should we go to the hospital?” Dan asked, startling Skylar, Lyric, and Dillon.
Lula looked into my eyes. “Are you nervous about something?”
“I don’t know.”
Dan added, “She was restless last night.”
Lula nodded and studied me. “Do you feel the urge to cry?”
“Don’t cry, Mama,” Lyric said and reached for me.
I put my hands out to hold her before a noise from outside sparked a high-pitched squeal out of me.
“What’s wrong?” Dan said, grabbing me by the shoulders and holding me still. “We should get you checked out.”
Lula insisted, “I think she’s anxious.”
“Then, we’ll get a doctor to prescribe her something.”
They looked at each other while Dan held me. I glanced at Lyric and Skylar, who were moments away from crying. I tried to smile. Whatever I did with my face wasn’t soothing, and the girls panicked.
“Mama’s sick!” Skylar hollered and jumped off the chair. “I’m retiring from school! I can’t leave!”
“I’m not leaving, either!” Lyric said and ran after Skylar.
“Everything is probably fine,” Lula insisted, winning a scowl from her new husband. “I think Nova’s having a panic attack.”
She took me to the couch and had me rest on my back. “Girls, help me find a relaxing song for your mom to listen to.”
Skylar and Lyric stopped crying and demanding “retirement” once they were given a task. They helped find a playlist on my phone.
As a GUINEVERE song played, I felt so silly resting on my back. Nothing was wrong with me.
Except maybe I was dying! My chest felt so tight. Tears burned my eyes. I stared at the ceiling, wondering if I was panicking or having a heart attack.
Dan appeared above me, looking disappointed. His frown made me cry.
“You’re scaring her!” Skylar demanded. “You need to retire!”
“Okay, who has been talking about retiring around you?”
“You don’t know. You’re retired,” Skylar muttered and slid on her sunglasses. “I’m not talking to you.”
“Exile, please, chill out, okay?” Lula said as she knelt next to me. “Nova, I get panic attacks from time to time. I’ll feel like I’m cornered and in danger, even when no one is around me. Is that how you’re feeling?”
“I want to hide.”
“Why?” Dan demanded. “Did someone hurt you? Was it him?”
Lula flashed Dan a snarly look. “Why would he do such a thing?”
“I get he’s your friend, and you want to see the best in him. But your friendship is why you can’t see things clearly.”
“Or you can’t see clearly because you nearly lost your sister. Now, you’re overly protective.”
“She’s upset. That’s not me imagining things.”
Lyric appeared next to me and handed her Goofy hat to me. “Don’t cry, Mama.”
“I’m okay.”
Lula cradled my face and stared into my eyes. “You have the right to be upset. You have the right to admit you’re upset. You also have the right to raise your daughters to own their feelings in a way I don’t think you were raised to do.”
Feeling scolded, I started crying.
“You’re retired!” Lyric yelled at Lula. “Go away!”
Lula only smiled at my frantic daughters. “I had three younger siblings with big mouths. You won’t be able to intimidate me, Lyric.”
“I want to!”
“I know, but you can’t. Sorry, baby fox.”
Lyric crawled on top of me and held on tight. “My mama needs to retire.”
Dan rolled his eyes, focusing his anger on whoever pushed the “retire” thing rather than on what might be upsetting me.
After a few songs, I was able to pull myself together for long enough to convince Skylar that she didn’t want to miss playing at school.
Lula agreed to take her to class while I got started on the laundry.
Dan was dying to give me guff over my mood.
He hated it when I got upset, but his worries only made me feel worse.
Rather than poke at me, he took Lyric and the dogs for a walk. I was left at home, where I stood in the family room and tried to figure out what was bothering me.
Boone felt too far away. I couldn’t picture where he might be right then. I worried he might be in jail again. What if someone hurt him?
I found myself walking without knowing where I was going. Worrying about Boone fed my paranoia over the girls being outside the house. They were so little and unprotected.
Wait, Lyric was with Dan. My brother could protect her, except what if he got hurt? I thought of Lula’s abduction. If Dan and his club brothers hadn’t tracked her down, I never would have met her. I’d still live in Baton Rouge. I wouldn’t know Boone existed.
Life was too fragile. People died or went away. There was no way to protect everyone.
Dan returned home to find me sitting in the girls’ closet. He squatted while Lyric and Ramen cuddled up with me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as his dark eyes searched my face for the answer.
“I don’t know. I’m afraid.”
“Did he do something?”
“Do you think he’s okay?” I asked, panicking. “What if someone tries to hurt him? Or he gets locked up again?”
Dan blinked rapidly. His expression changed a few times before he scowled deeply.
“Do you want him to come here so you can see he’s okay?”
The pressure on my chest lifted slightly, and I nodded. “I’m worried he’s hurt.”
“Why?”
“People get hurt,” I said and stroked Lyric’s head as she hugged me. “People go away.”
Dan’s expression froze in that overly worried frown he had too often with me.
I knew he viewed me as weak and in need of saving.
I got pushed around by our stepfathers’ families and then by Chris.
In Dan’s eyes, I was as much of a child as Lyric or Skylar.
He seemed to trust Dillon’s opinion more than mine.
“I’ll text Boone to come over.”
“He’s not retired,” Lyric explained to her uncle and rested her head on my thigh. “He knows how to make the boogeyman go away.”
“He’s perfect,” I mumbled.
Dan’s irritated expression made me look down and hide behind my hair. Lyric stared up at me. She was such a beautiful child. I wanted her to have everything, but the world would tear away parts of her until I wasn’t sure what would remain.
That thought turned my sniffles into sobs as my panic came crashing down on me.