Chapter 33 Festering Wounds
HART
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I CAN’T SLEEP.
I can’t think.
I certainly can’t sit around that campfire with the few stragglers waiting for Jade and the rest of the group to come back from the meet and greet.
I angle the flashlight downward and walk to the rear corner of the bus. Crouching beside the wheel well, I run my hand along the edge, brushing off a layer of dust and road grit.
It isn’t the first time I’ve given the bus a once-over since the blown tire, and hell, I might use it as a distraction for the rest of the week.
I need a distraction. What had I been thinking, pulling her into the privacy behind the curtain? Kissing her, touching her, and making her come right there.
I had no damn right. Not when zero plans exceed that moment.
I don’t even have space in my head to acknowledge that she went to the meet and greet with the same dancer adhering to her on the stage. Not after what we did—what I did to her.
The jealousy that had me spiraling earlier is nothing compared to the reminder that I can’t have her.
How could I?
I feel like a broken record repeating all the reasons why we could never be together, but it basically stems from the fact that I’m not worthy of her.
“You dodging everyone again?” Levi strolls over to me.
If that’s his guess, then why the hell did he seek me out? He has his Fox wife to cuddle with tonight and experiment with all new positions.
Cringe.
Even as I think it, I don’t want to be thinking it.
“I don’t feel like sittin’ around a campfire pretending like everything’s all sunshine and marshmallows.”
My fingers pause at a hairline crack in the mudguard.
Shit.
Is this new?
I frown, tracing it. Then I press a knuckle into the tire’s sidewall to test the pressure.
“I thought everything was all sunshine and marshmallows.” He leans against the side of the bus, blocking the moonlight. “You and Jade came out looking in good spirits.”
“You would think that,” I mutter, but loud enough for him to hear.
“Want to elaborate?”
“No.”
He’s the last person I want to see right now. He’s a firm reminder of everything I’ve screwed up and the bleak future it’s left me. Add in his attempt to do whatever the hell he’s attempting to do, and it only doubles my lack of interest.
“Maybe you should tell me what’s going on.”
“Maybe you should fuck off.” Shifting to one knee, I lean in and check the lug nuts, giving each a firm tug.
Levi holds out his hands. “Didn’t come to fight.”
“Then turn around. This ain’t a good time for hugs and brotherly bonding.”
It’s never a good time for either of those things.
The outline of a bug scurries across the grass as I duck lower, angling the light beneath the undercarriage.
“I’m not looking for a hug but if you need one.”
I swat his hand off my back. “I don’t need a fucking hug.”
“What do you need?”
“You to fuck off. I’ve already spelled it out.” I scan the suspension, looking for anything bent, scraped, or leaking.
Nothing jumps out.
“I ain’t going anywhere.” The metal creeks under his weight when he slouches against it. “It’s a meet and greet. Harmless.”
“Harmless, my ass. I wouldn’t put it past Josie to have paid for a private lap dance,” I snarl, but that isn’t what’s bothering me.
“Dean took Hope’s ticket, and I’m sure he wedged his way in no matter what Josie said. He’ll watch over them.” He chuckles. “And take the lap dance for himself.”
I’ve had enough of this conversation.
“Don’t you have a wife to go fuss over?” I reach under, tapping the stabilizer arm lightly with two fingers, listening for a loose rattle.
“There it is.”
“There is what?”
“That dig at my wife. You’re always digging at my wife.” Levi sticks the tip of his boot into the ground, kicking at something.
I snort. “What do you expect? Me to be more like you? Big happy family man.”
“It wouldn’t hurt, would it? To get off that high horse you’re sitting on and come back to our level.”
My inspection under here is done. Now it’s just a barrier to keep something between us.
“Nothing to say?”
“It’s best that way.” I wave the flashlight for appearance over purpose.
“Says you. So you can bottle it up inside. Play the martyr. The protector.”
“It’s better than the betrayer.” My voice is laced with bitterness.
“What the hell does that mean?”
I sit back on my heels, exhale through my nose, and rub a smudge of grease off my palm with his shirt. “Means you married the enemy.”
“I married Hope.”
“Hope Fox. The enemy.”
After a final glance around the wheel well, I rise slowly, stretching my legs as I dust off my hands.
“She ain’t the enemy.”
I press my finger into his chest. “You shook hands with the people who hated our family, and broke bread with the same guy who put a bullet in you.”
My brother says nothing.
“Hard to defend a guy who shot you, huh? And you sure as hell can’t defend pursuing Hope while healing from that same bullet wound.”
But none of that is what really angers me. The deeper anger is that I didn’t pursue. He had the balls to fight for her, bullet wound and all.
I did nothing.
I walked away.
Like a fucking coward.
“That’s what I thought.” I stalk around him.
“That feud is over, Hart. We’ve all moved past it, and it’s time you did too.”
“Yeah, well, not before it killed my shot at happiness.” I don’t mean to say the words, but they’re so fucking true.
“You’re killing your own shot, man,” he says, like he knows what I’m referring to.
I’ve never told him about that year with Jade—never told anyone. And I’d bet my life that Jade hasn’t either. So, he’s grasping at straws and thinking he knows something when he doesn’t have a damn clue.
“Every glare,” he continues. “Every snarky remark and insult.” His tone drips with the same snarky and insulting tone. “You’re nailing your own coffin shut.”
I nailed that coffin shut years ago. He doesn’t understand. This isn’t some story about me falling for a Fox and wanting her from a distance. This is the story of how I fell madly in love with her, loved her with the deepest parts of myself—then hurt her beyond repair.
“Don’t pin your guilt on me,” he says.
I inhale a painful breath as I lift the fuel cap and twist it to make sure it’s securely fastened, the beam from my flashlight illuminating the area.
“You bulldozed your way through the feud like consequences didn’t apply to you.” I run a hand around the rim of the fuel filler, making sure no dirt or debris clogs the seal.
“I was exactly where you are, man.” He sounds like he’s convinced himself of that. “I know the guilty feeling you’re harbouring. And that inner battle of what to do, I get it.”
He doesn’t.
“I hurt her, too. Hope. I hurt her just like you hurt Jade. All in the name of the feud.”
“You don’t know shit.”
I shine the flashlight around the fuel filler area. The beam flickers as I check for any rust or signs of wear. Which I’ve already done, and I know it’s peachy.
“You know I do. I was in the same house.” His voice hardens as he pushes off the bus. “Heard the same lectures. Same threats. I walked away, too.” I don’t like him trying to peel back the layers of my defense.
“You fucking married her!” The words come out sharper than I intend.
My chest tightens.
My fists clench at my side.
“And I’d do it again.” He exhales a slow, irritated breath. “Dude, why are you so mad at me when even our fathers have laid the feud to rest?”
Because he fought for Hope, and I didn’t fight for Jade.
“Because you’re a selfish bastard.” The words cut through the space between us, thick with bitterness.
I can barely hold his gaze.
“Okay.” He tilts his head, his eyes flickering with something that looks a whole helluva lot like pity. “Maybe we can have a conversation when you’re not insane.”
“I’m insane?” I take a step forward, too close. “You upheaved our entire family.”
“This isn’t even about me. It’s about you.” He moves closer, his eyes never leaving mine. “Let’s be real. You have a choice with Jade.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You could fight for her, but you choose to walk away.”
I shake my head sharply, the anger simmering under the surface. I won’t let him have the satisfaction of breaking me.
“You chose to treat her like shit for all these years.” His words land like a slap.
But it’s not just the words, it’s the quiet finality in his tone that gets under my skin.
“You don’t have a fucking clue.” My hands shake now, my chest tight with the weight of everything unsaid.
“And now, even with me tearing down the only wall keeping you two apart, you’re completely screwed by your own selfish actions.” He points at me. “Don’t try to rewrite that and push that on me. You didn’t fight for Jade, and that’s on you.”
I charge at him.
I tackle him hard, shoulder-to-shoulder. The shock of the hit ripples through my body. Then we hit the ground. Gravel scrapes my elbows, but I don’t care.
He grunts. “For fucks sake, Hart.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. Staying away, protecting her.”
We roll through the dirt, wrestling for control, grappling, and throwing punches like we’ve done since we were kids. But mine is laced with unresolved pain.
Our hands lock together, fingers slipping and grasping. Each of us is trying to push the other off balance. Every sharp rock under me seems to jab straight into my spine.
“Protecting her? Or protecting yourself?”
My elbow slams him.
His knee drives into my side.
I swing at him, wide and angry. I barely miss his jaw, but my fist keeps going, hitting empty air where he was.
“Look, you wanna fight? Fine. We’ll fight all night if you need to, but don’t sit here rotting and wondering if you even remember her laugh.”
When did he get so sappy?
“I remember her damn laugh.”
“You need to face the mess. Stop running.” His accusation hits me worse than a punch to the gut.
We grunt and curse.
A solid punch lands. Another.
“I ain’t fucking running.”
I pin him down, knees on his arms, and he stares up at me with a look of pity and heartbreak. I don’t know which one I want to destroy more.