Chapter 6 #2
She wanted a husband to hold her at night as Reid had done the evening before when she had been wracked with cold. She wanted a home to keep up for her family. And she wanted children. Wee bairns she could cradle in her arms and breathe in their sweet, milky newness.
Something in her chest clenched with palpable longing.
It was a dream she’d spent far too long ignoring, one that had been too ridiculous to even consider before when there were so many others in her life who needed her. Which was why she had banished it from her heart long ago.
It had been better to focus on those she could tend to rather than set her focus on a dream whose lack of actualization might break her heart.
Until now…
Now, that hope bobbed to the surface.
Reid aroused in her more than carnal desire. He made her unearth the fantasy she’d once found so unattainable. Mayhap if she didn’t join a convent, if she opened her heart to him, he might do the same in return.
The idea of a small cottage with him might not be an impossibility after all - babes with his auburn hair, a loving husband who would wrap her in those strong arms every night and gaze at her as if she were the only woman in the world.
The longing for such a life was so visceral that it curled around her heart in a fierce grip.
“I dinna mean to cause offense.” Though Reid spoke softly, Clara still glanced up at the interruption to her thoughts.
She shook her head. “Ye didn’t.”
“Clara…” He searched her face with his perceptive gaze. “I shouldna have kissed ye, no’ because I regret it, but because…”
His jaw clenched and a hard knot of dread formed in Clara’s stomach.
“Because ye mean to take yer vows, and I want to respect yer wishes.” He reached up and gently stroked the back of his fingers down her cheek.
It took everything in her not to turn toward the heat of his touch, to bask in the tingle of pleasure at even such a simple caress and how it made all of her ache with need.
“I’m attracted to ye, Clara.” He seemed hesitant to confess as much but continued, “Verra much so and have been since I saw ye at market day with Kinsey before she joined William’s army.”
She blinked in surprise, and Reid gave a sheepish smile. It was an endearing expression on so strong and hard a man.
And she had been the cause.
That realization struck her somewhere deep in her chest, a place she found had been empty for far too long. If he had noticed her nearly a year ago and still remembered her now, mayhap he might someday love her.
Mayhap her dream was within reach, after all.
Her hope was so great that it robbed her of her breath.
“But…” Reid let his hand fall from her face. “’Tis more than yer decision to be a nun. I havena any desire to marry, to settle down and have a home and bairns.”
Whatever had sprung to life moments ago in her wilted.
“I’m a warrior.” Reid shrugged uncomfortably. “’Tis what I’ve always been and what I’ll always be. I canna be a husband. And a lass like ye…” He looked at her as if it pained him to do so. “A lass like ye deserves a man who will provide her with a home, with a comfortable life and wee ones.”
“What if I wasn’t to go to a convent?” she asked numbly.
His brow furrowed, and he shook his head. “I’ll no’ take either future from ye, regardless of where yer heart guides ye.”
She offered a smile to show she understood and that she appreciated his honesty rather than attempting to come up with a reply. After all, what could she say?
In a matter of moments, she had finally acknowledged her wish for a future, found hope that it might exist and then had it immediately quashed.
Outside, a massive gust of wind rattled at the thin walls of the inn, and a shiver ran down her spine.
“We should rest,” Reid suggested. “We must leave early, as long as there’s no’ any ice on the ground.” As he spoke, he regarded the floor where there was barely room for them both to stand at once.
The bed took up most of the small chamber. There wouldn’t be space enough for him to stretch out on the meager floor to sleep.
“We can both fit on the bed,” Clara suggested.
Reid cast a skeptical glance at the narrow mattress.
“But only if ye promise not to ravish me in the night.” Her words were intended to come out playfully but rang hollow instead.
In the end, he agreed to share the bed as long as they each were in their separate bedrolls, an agreement Clara hardened her heart to and complied with. He fell asleep quickly at her side, as she had anticipated due to the tea she’d had him drink before bed.
However, she remained fully awake, her gaze locked on the ceiling above her as too many thoughts raced through her mind.
His quiet breathing was a backdrop to her musings of how her future might now take shape.
There would be just a few more short days in the company of a man she found as fascinating as he was enigmatic, one who stirred in her the desire for a life as she had never even bothered to hope for.
What followed would include their arrival in Dumbarton to ensure the people knew of the attack, and then she would make her way to Paisley Abbey and… what?
Live out her life in the service to others, remembering these few days with fondness.
Aye, that seemed to be the truth of it.
Outside, the wind battered the rickety inn with such a howl that goosebumps prickled over her skin. It was then that Reid rolled toward her in his sleep and curled an arm around her, drawing her back against him and his solid heat.
She ought to nudge him to roll away or wake him and ask him to release her.
Instead, she closed her eyes and gave in, for that one brief moment, to the fantasy that he truly was her husband and that they were asleep in a cottage with their child sleeping nearby.
That her life was complete. That her life was happy.
She fell asleep to that dream, simultaneously cherishing that precious moment while also dreading the next day when she had to wake up and face the reality of her situation once more.
Because there would be no love for her in this life. Nor a husband or a family.
There had never been, and there never would be.