18. Mia
Mia
M y eyelids feel impossibly heavy as I struggle to stay awake. Every part of my body aches, and the pain in my stomach is so intense it makes it hard to breathe, but Dario’s alive, looking down at me like the adorable romantic he is.
“I can’t believe I never noticed what a hopeless romantic you are,” I whisper and then reach for my throat. “Jesus, can I get some water? Why does my throat hurt so bad?”
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he mutters, quickly getting up to pour me a glass of water.
When the straw hits my lips, I close my eyes, savoring the cool, refreshing taste of it. I drink until the glass is empty, and when I hear Dario give a soft laugh and say, “Well, that was quick,” I peel my eyes open to look at him.
“What are you talking about?”
“You still have a catheter in.” He gestures to where a pee bag is evidently hanging and grins. “That has to be a good sign, right?”
“Gross,” I say, too exhausted and in too much pain to care that my urine is on full display .
He leans down and brushes my hair back, his touch so tender it makes my chest ache.
“Nothing is gross between us, amore mio .” He kisses me softly and lets out a shaky breath. “You scared the hell out of me, little viper. I thought I’d lost you.” It takes him several seconds before he can speak and when he does, he says, “I can’t live without you, amore .”
I reach up and run my fingers through his hair. The drugs still have a strong hold on me, and my movements are clumsy and slow, but being able to touch him, to feel him beneath my fingers is worth the extra effort.
“I was so scared I wouldn’t get there in time,” I whisper. “Leonardo told me he’d gotten to one of your men, that he’d set a trap for you. I was so scared.”
“You were incredibly brave,” he corrects, leaning into my touch. His dark eyes are filled with so much sadness when he begs, “But please, amore mio , don’t ever do that again. My life will never be more important than yours.”
Grabbing my hand, he presses it to his cheek, begging me with his eyes to make a promise that I will never be able to keep. Even in my groggy state, I can’t lie to him. I run my thumb over his stubbled cheek while he kisses the palm of my hand.
“ Solntse moyo ,” I whisper. Calling him my sun in Russian brings a faint smile to my face.
I’d been so adamant that I wouldn’t be like some obsessed, lovesick girl, but the truth is this man is everything to me, and I’ll jump in front of every blade and every gun that’s pointed in his direction because I’ll do anything to protect him and keep him safe.
“Please tell me that’s Russian for Of course, Dario. I’ll obey you in this one thing and keep myself safe for you .”
“Your optimism is adorable,” I say while I struggle against the exhaustion I’m feeling.
I feel his lips lightly brush mine in a gentle kiss that’s purely for the pleasure of being close to one another, reminding us both that we’re alive and safe.
“ Ti amo , Mia. Rest, sweetheart. I’ll be here when you wake. ”
I still have so many questions I want to ask, but nothing feels like it’s working as it should, and my brain can’t seem to find the words. Before I can actively think about trying to stay awake, I’m pulled into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The next time I open my eyes, I’m hit with a wave of pain, wincing before I’m even fully awake. Dario’s hands are immediately on me, gently grabbing my shoulders and keeping me in place so I can’t keep trying to sit up.
“Easy, amore . Don’t move, baby.”
When I still, he grabs a glass of water and puts the straw to my lips. The cool water soothes my parched throat and my irritation at not being able to freely move around. I drink all of it, not caring that I’m probably filling my pee bag again.
After he takes it from me, I pull back the blanket that’s covering my body, needing to see the damage that was done.
I’d been too out of it last time to ask all the questions I had, but I’m more alert now, and I need to know if it looks as bad as it feels.
Peeking under my gown, I look back at Dario and ask, “Why are my nipples taped?”
“I asked them to keep your piercings in,” he says, watching me with a cautious look on his face.
He takes the seat by the bed and leans his elbows on the mattress next to me while resting his hand on my arm.
His thumb caresses my skin and then gently moves my hand away when I start to bring it to the large bandage that covers my entire lower belly.
“Thanks for that,” I tell him.
He kisses my hand. “I knew you would want to keep them, and I didn’t want you to have to go through the pain of having it redone.”
I study his face, noticing the worry that still fills his eyes and the tense way he’s holding his jaw. Something is off, and I don’t know what it is.
“What aren’t you telling me? I remember seeing Sasha earlier, so I know he’s fine, but I haven’t seen Sandro. Is he?”
I can’t get the words out, and Dario quickly stops me before I can force the question through my dry lips .
“Sandro’s fine, amore . Everyone is safe.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
His dark eyes stay locked on mine when he very slowly says, “The doctor was able to save you, amore , but there was a lot of damage.”
“How bad?” I force myself to ask, even though a part of me already knows what he’s going to say.
“Bad,” he whispers, cupping my hand in his.
The pain in his eyes is what breaks my heart when I ask, “I can’t have kids, can I?”
“No, amore .”
Before I can say anything, he kisses my hand and says, “This changes nothing , Mia. Do you hear me? I still love you more than life itself, and I still need you more than I need my next breath. We’re getting married, and you’re going to let me love you and take care of you for the rest of our lives. ”
“You want kids,” I say, and he shakes his head.
“I want you .”
“It’s not fair,” I whisper, and I don’t know if I’m talking about me or him.
It all feels like too much. I always said I didn’t want kids.
I was never like Nat. I didn’t sit around dreaming of being a wife and mom, but then I fell in love with Dario, and he made me rethink marriage.
He didn’t make it seem like the cage I’d always thought of it as, and it’s possible that one day he would’ve also changed my mind about having kids, but now that choice is gone.
“No, it’s not,” he agrees. “It’s not fair that you lost something precious because of me.”
“It’s not your fault,” I quickly say, stunned that he would even think that.
“That knife was meant for me, amore, not you.”
“Well I took it for myself, and that was my decision, Dario, not yours. And what I meant about it being not fair is that you want kids, and I can’t have them.
It’s not fair for me to be selfish and keep you from having a family.
” I stop talking because a lump is in my throat at the very idea of Dario being with someone else, but I don’t want him to stay with me out of pity or because he feels he owes me.
Cupping my face, he sits on the edge of the bed, hovering over me so there’s no way I can avoid him.
“Look at me , amore mio .”
He waits until I meet his gaze, and the love I see in his eyes has my own threatening to spill over as the lump in my throat grows bigger.
“That’s the last time I ever want you to say something like that to me.
Remember the things I said to you before this happened, streghetta mia .
Remember the way I told you I love you and that I want to marry you, and remember the way I couldn’t keep my hands off you.
That’s how I feel about you, Mia, and that will never change.
I’m not with you out of pity or because you were crazy enough to jump in front of me and save my life.
Fuck, little viper, do you still not understand how much I love you? ”
“I don’t want to keep you from happiness,” I whisper.
“Then don’t ever leave me,” he says. “I never thought I’d have a family, Mia. I never sat around wishing I could be a dad. I swear to you that all I need is you. I will be the happiest man alive if I can just have you.”
He rests his forehead against mine and lets out a shaky breath. “I just need you, amore mio .”
I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer, needing to feel his body surrounding mine. He holds me while I try like hell to not cry.
“It’s okay to be sad, piccola vipera .”
“I’m fine,” I whisper. “I never wanted kids anyway, remember?”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s still a decision that should never have been taken from you.
It’s okay to mourn that, amore. It’s okay to feel sad, even if you never would have chosen to get pregnant.
I know how strong you are, little viper, but you don’t need to be strong right now.
Just this once, let me be your strength. ”
His words tear through the wall that’s trying to build itself around my heart, and when he hears the shaky breath I let out, he kisses me and holds me tighter while I fall apart.
I allow myself this one moment, this one time to mourn what might have been, what could have been, and what will now never be.
I cry for the opportunity that was stolen, for the children I may or may not have ever chosen to have, and for the family that Dario and I could’ve made.
I let everything out until I have nothing left to give, and when I’m left shaking, eyes swollen and throat raw, Dario keeps holding me, whispering that he loves me and promising that the future we do still have is going to be so fucking beautiful.
“I love you,” I whisper, clinging to him as hard as my injured body will allow.
“ Ti amo, ” he whispers back. “More than you can possibly understand, little viper.”