Epilogue
Two Years Later:
A Peek into the Future:
Sitka
“Oh no,” I say, keeping my voice light and happy as our son turns his head to look at me.
He’s still getting used to walking on sand, and when he sees me not looking scared that he’s fallen onto his bottom, he gives me a big smile, showing off his newest baby teeth and melting my heart into a big sappy puddle.
“He’s so perfect,” Damien says from beside me. We’re both still in awe of the life we created, this tiny human who’s stolen both our hearts so easily.
I laugh and clap my hands when our son presses his palms against the sand and hikes his bottom up. He’s wobbly but he manages to stand and the triumphant grin he gives us has us both laughing and closing the distance.
“Good job, Rowan,” Damien tells him, picking him up and kissing one of his chubby cheeks.
We decided to name him Rowan Vladimir Melnikov.
We wanted to give him a name that represented the spot where Damien and I fell in love.
It also doesn’t hurt that Rowan trees fill the forest that he loves to chase me in.
The middle name was my idea, and when I told my dad we were naming our son after him, I swear he cried a little bit.
Whatever lingering hesitation my dad and brothers might have had towards my husband died the day I gave birth to Rowan. I’ve never seen them so happy, and they’re determined to make sure his feet never touch the ground. If any of them are around, our son is being held by one of them.
Nyx runs over and nudges her head against Damien’s leg, and as soon as he squats down, she licks his hand as he tries to pet her.
“Nyx,” Rowan squeals while he kicks his feet. He has his daddy’s full mouth, and I often see him wear the same intense look Damien does, but the color is the exact shade of grey as mine.
I wrap my arm around Damien and lean in to kiss our son’s head.
He smiles and baby talks while we walk further down the beach.
We fly and stay here a couple of times a month, both of us wanting Rowan to grow up here as much as possible.
I love our home in the city, but it will never feel like the Pacific Northwest. Nothing compares to the beauty of this place, and a part of me will always long for it.
It’s not as painful as I thought it would be, though.
Damien and Rowan make it impossible for me to be sad about anything.
It helps that we get to spend time in the country with his cousins and their kids.
It’s not the same kind of natural beauty as here, but it’s still gorgeous and Rowan loves playing with all his cousins.
“Are you sad about leaving tomorrow,” Damien asks.
I rest my head on his shoulder and watch one of the gulls dive for a fish. “I could never be sad as long as you and Rowan are with me.”
He smiles down at me and kisses my head. “You think you’ll ever stop breaking me wide open when you say things like that?”
“Probably,” I say, making his mouth twitch.
“I don’t think so. I think it’ll always be like this.
You still make me feel like I’m drowning, besyonok.
There’s never going to be a time when I’m not lost to you, when a single look or word from you won’t steal the breath from my lungs and make me feel like I’ve lost my footing.
You ruin me, sweetheart, in the best way possible. ”
I wrap my fingers around the back of his neck and pull him closer so I can kiss him. Just like always, as soon as his lips touch mine, I lose myself to him. I open for him, and when I feel his tongue brush along mine, I tighten my grip on him and let out a soft moan.
He pulls back with a grin when our son starts letting out a happy string of baby talk with a lot of ma-mas and da-das mixed in.
I see the love in Damien’s eyes every time he looks at our son, and now is no different when he stares at him and says, “I love how happy he is. I worry that I won’t be a good enough dad for him, that I’ll fail him somehow, but every time I see how happy he is it makes me think I must be doing something right. ”
I know he worries that he’ll somehow fail as a parent, but I also know there’s no way in hell that will ever happen. He may doubt himself, but I never will.
“You’re an amazing dad,” I tell him. “And Rowan already knows it.” I make a funny face at our son and smile when he starts laughing. “You have the best daddy in the world, don’t you?” I ask, grinning when Rowan claps and nods his head. I look at Damien. “See? He already knows it.”
Damien gives me a playful eye roll and says, “Ask him again when he’s sixteen. We’ll see if we get a different answer.”
I laugh and nod. “Deal,” I tell him. “I have complete confidence that he’ll still say yes. He might not giggle and clap while he does it, but it’ll still be a yes.”
“Yeah, I really doubt I get the same level of exuberance,” Damien says. “Better enjoy it while I can.”
When Rowan tries to wiggle his way down, Damien puts him back on the sand while we each take one of his chubby hands in ours. We walk with our son along the beach, pointing birds out to him, already trying to teach him the name of things.
“Rowan, look,” I tell him, and when he turns his eyes up to me, I bring my free hand to my mouth and open and close my thumb and index finger twice, making the ASL sign for bird.
He smiles and tugs one of his hands free so he can try and do it.
We’ve been surrounding him with sign language as much as possible, trying to get him used to seeing it so it’ll be easier for him to learn.
Rowan loves Bran, and I know my cousin loves it when the kids try to sign with him.
Damien smiles down at our son, mimicking the sign and pointing at the birds in the sky. We take our time walking down the beach, neither one of us in a hurry to be anywhere other than right where we are. I never could’ve dreamed this is where my life would lead me, but I’m so glad it did.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for how much I would love being a wife and mom. As long as I have these two, then I’m more than happy to fly between our two families for the rest of our lives because my home is no longer a place. It’s with them.
When Damien looks over and sees me grinning, he gives me a wink and one of his big smiles, overwhelming me with love from just one look.
I squeeze our son’s hand and laugh when he lets out another happy squeal.
As amazing as my life is right now, I know it’s only going to get better, and I can’t wait to experience every second of it.
* * *
Damien
I kiss my son’s head and tell him I love him as he drifts off to sleep.
We’re back in New York, and he’s exhausted after a day of visiting family and playing with his cousins.
His head rests on my shoulder, soft breaths tickling my neck as his fingers grip my shirt and his sweet scent fills my nose.
I’m overcome with love for him, so amazed that this is my life now.
I feel his grip loosen as his breathing deepens, but I don’t stop rocking him. I’m not ready to put him down just yet.
His nursery is nature themed, and I love sitting in here with him. The underwater scene my Aunt Katya painted on the walls is filled with sea creatures, the adorable, kid-friendly kind that always make Rowan smile when he sees them.
Unable to resist, I turn and kiss my son’s head, feeling the baby-soft strands of his dark hair against my lips.
Rowan is my pride and joy, a perfect little person that I created with the woman I love more than life itself.
The love I feel for the two of them is limitless, and it never fails to knock me on my ass.
While he softly snores, I look over at the canoe-shaped bookcase that’s in the corner.
It’s filled with baby books that Sitka loves reading to him, books that I hope our son can easily read one day.
I know his chances are much higher at having dyslexia since I have it, and I feel guilty every time I think about it.
I hope it passes over him. I hope he never has to suffer through the embarrassment of being called on in class while the other kids laugh because it’s impossible for his brain to make sense of the letters.
I kiss his head again and hope for the best. It’s all I can do. If he does have it, Sitka and I will be with him every step of the way. Our entire family will help him through it, just like they did for me. He won’t be alone. He’ll never be alone.
Keeping him securely against me, I stand and walk to his crib.
Nyx lifts her head from the dog bed we put in here because she refuses to leave Rowan’s side, but when she realizes what I’m doing, she lowers her head back down and closes her eyes.
Being careful to not wake him, I lay Rowan in his crib and make sure his favorite octopus stuffed animal is within easy reach.
I spend a few minutes watching him, because I never get tired of it. After he was born, I would come in here and watch him for hours, unable to tear my eyes away from his cute little face, mesmerized by the rise and fall of his chest and the tiny fingers that were always curled into tight fists.
Even though I’m unable to see the grey of his eyes, he still reminds me so much of Sitka.
He has her nose and easygoing nature, and god help us all, I’m pretty sure he has her love of adrenaline.
I see the glint in his eyes when he tries something new, something that should be scary but instead just makes him grin like a little maniac.
It’s cute as hell, but it also has me scrambling to stay one step ahead of him and baby proof things that I probably shouldn’t have to.
“You’re worth the grey hairs you’re going to give me,” I whisper before giving him one last kiss and telling him I love him.
Before I leave, I check my phone to make sure the baby monitor is showing on it. Satisfied that I’ll hear him as soon as he needs me, I slip out to go in search of my wife.