21. All with me
21
All with me
Exton
It’s been about two weeks since I got that tattoo on my arm, and it should scare me how fast those weeks flew by. It should terrify me that I’m not feeling any of my usual restlessness at being cooped up in one place for so long. It should…yet it doesn’t, and I know why.
Because these weeks have been spent with her. To wake up snuggled into her body every morning, despite going to bed as far away from each other as we can be.
I don’t know how, but I do know when it happens. There is always a moment during the night when I feel the chill descend upon her and it draws me to her ice right away, plunging into the darkness and fighting it off for her.
But the thing is, after a few minutes of holding her, I feel her breathing even out and sleeping peacefully, so by all means, I should move back to my spot. Only I don’t. Duh.
After the fifth morning of “enjoying” my morning wood against her low back, Electra simply sighed and didn’t waste her breath on complaints anymore. She stated that she gives up and went back to sleep as I silently chuckled and did the same.
She also gave up on asking why I got that tattoo done or telling me I’ll regret it. For now, at least. But what she doesn’t realize is that it’s my favorite piece I’ve gotten.
Every minute of every day and night is spent with Electra, and for reasons still unknown to me, she is enough. Just one little touch of hers fuels me for days. One smile lights me up for hours. And the never-ending teasing, bantering, and taunting keeps me on my toes.
If the weather permits, we wake up to watch the sunrise, talking about what it makes us feel in that moment and every morning she opens the door to her soul a tiny bit wider for me. And I do the same. But never once veering into the deeper end of these conversations and for now it’s enough.
It’s enough to see her starting to live, to breathe more easily, to smile. It’s enough to see her happy whenever Aurora and Emett come over. Their last visit still brings out a smile to my own face.
After Emett and I we were done with our usual practice, he dropped to the fluffy snow and proclaimed I killed him on the ice and that he would have to turn into a snow angel now.
I swear, I’ve never met a more dramatic kid in my life, but I laughed, dropped next to him, and made snow angels. Aurora walked over to us, wheeling Electra along and asked, “What are you two doing?”
“Making snow angels,” Emett proclaimed, then added, “Mom, make one too! And Electra! We need a whole family of angels over here.” Emett then scrunched his forehead, looking around the snow-covered area. “Where is Mr. Brick when we need him?” he grumbled, and we all laughed but Aurora dropped to the ground next to her son and started moving her arms and legs.
Right away, I shot a look at Electra who was watching us with quiet envy. And the look in her eyes that said she wanted to do this too was enough for me to jump up, pull her out of her chair and lay her next to me.
All while she was screaming, “What are you doing? I’m not going to make any angels. Put me back in my chair.” And more words along the lines but there she was, still on the snow and now glaring at me.
“And how am I supposed to make one, Axe?”
“Geez, I don’t know,” I say with sarcasm. “Maybe like this?” I lean over her, moving her arms up and down. “Wow, look at that, it takes a real talent to do that,” I added with a saucy eye roll, and she cracked a small smile despite herself.
“And my legs?” Electra raised one eyebrow at me.
“Nah, you can be a solemn angel. You know the pissy uncle kind every family has and has to endure for the holidays.” Her mouth drops open in mock outrage.
“Oh, so I’m the pissy uncle now?”
“Yep,” I pop the p, but before I could go back to making my own again, a big ball of snow hit my face and Emett broke out in laugher, hollering, “Snow fight, snow fight! Auntie Electra, can I be on your team?”
Next thing I know, Electra is sitting up, and I’m covered in snow from head to toe as those two laugh their asses off at my expense.
And I loved every fucking minute of it, despite telling them their death is coming soon and shooting a few half-hearted ones back at them.
Emett also demanded we needed to decorate Electra’s chair. When we asked why he said that’s what you do when you break something and have to wear a cast.
The kid has no idea what the impact of his works was on all of us, but the next thing I know, Aurora brings over her Bedazzler, Sharpies, and ribbons and we turned Electra’s cage into a princess throne.
Electra sat through it with happy tears in her eyes.
I think that day I had more fun than in my whole life. Simply seeing her so happy filled me with giddiness that I wanted to recreate every chance I got. The snow angels were long gone since then, covered by a fresh layer of snow, but Electra still stares out toward them every time she’s in front of the living room window wearing a soft smile on her face. As soon as I spot it, she’s back in my arms until we are on that snow again, making fresh angels.
She lost her glare after that first time with Emett and Aurora, instead taking to calling me a lunatic for dragging her out without a coat, but she does it with a laugh and light in her eyes. And afterward, we warm up with blankets and hot drinks, watching the next Marvel movie on our list. Although, I’d prefer to warm up in a whole other way…
It’s safe to say, Electra is a die-hard fan now, and yes, I’ll take all the credit for that. Even though it pisses me off to no end when she sprinkles comments throughout the movie about how hot this or that guy is. Logically, I know she is playing with me, but screw logic when it comes to her. I don’t want her even entertaining those thoughts about other men, just me.
Which is irrational all on its own since there is no relationship here, and I haven’t dared to kiss her again since that day in the gym. And her lips have certainly not touched me after that night in her bed when she kissed my forearm with more meaning that any other make-out session in my life before her.
And that’s why I had to burn it into my skin, glancing, touching it, any chance I get.
Because that’s how desperate big, cocky Exton has become.
That’s not to say we haven’t become increasingly more comfortable or touchy with each other. But whenever it stirs toward more, I allow her to flip the situation into a joke.
How very chickenshit of me I know, and trust me, I don’t get it either. I’ve never been one to shy away from taking what I want, and I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want Electra freaking Monroe but maybe that’s exactly what the problem here is.
I want her and not just for one or two nights because I no longer see my days without her.
I can’t see myself not cooking and then feeding her breakfast. I don’t see how I could possibly workout in the gym without her angry elf attitude or be stupid on the ice all by myself. I don’t see my days without going to Blade’s for lunch and chatting with half the town as if we were old buddies, or having Electra place her hand on my thigh whenever she feels me getting worked up about one topic or the other. Which more often than not is the topic about Outlaws. Or whenever my phone rings again.
She just senses it, senses that I need her calm. Maybe without realizing it herself.
I can’t imagine not coaching Emett or even having that shithead, Sava over for a dinner here and there. There is no easy explanation for the peace I feel with her, but I do and I don’t want to lose it. And I certainly can’t imagine not holding her in my arms as I carry her from room to room, because that’s where she belongs.
She’ll walk, I’m sure of it, but she will still belong in my arms like my own precious snowflake. Fragile yet a fierce one that can serve you that frost bite before you know it. So simple from afar, but when you look closely, breathtakingly beautiful with intricate design. And most importantly, cold and untouchable until she lands on my palm and melts into me.
Look at me being all poetic and shit when it comes to her. See what she’s doing to me? See how she’s twisting me into her own pretzel?
She made me want something I’ve never had. Never thought was possible.
I flick the popcorn I was about to eat back into the bucket, scowling at it like that’s where all my troubles are hiding and not in that woman who still hasn’t come out of the room. I’ve had the movie and snacks set up for the past fifteen minutes, but Electra is nowhere to be seen.
“Angry elf,” I holler, “I’m not getting any younger out here.”
But she doesn’t respond. I call out her name again and when I’m met with another string of deadly silence, a crippling chill descends upon me, and I jump off the couch, sending the full bow of popcorn to the ground as it scatters around.
It’s not a huge house, there is no way she couldn’t hear me.
She’s been doing so good these past weeks. Her panic attacks are becoming few and far between and they are not as intense as the ones she had when I first moved in. She doesn’t get that faraway look in her eyes all that much and doesn’t freeze into an ice sculpture whenever she sees me touching her legs. Electra even started talking about her early career days, giving me some missing bits and pieces but never venturing into the heavier topics, and I gladly take whatever she’s willing to give me, but maybe that was a mistake.
Maybe I should’ve kept pushing like I knew she needed me to.
In a rush, I dart into our room but find it empty. So is the walk-in closet and tremors set into my bones. There’s only one place I hadn’t checked and I’m terrified to go in there. Why do they always have to make the bathroom a site of something gruesome in the movies? Why is it always the bathroom that draws the final line in one’s life?
No, it won’t be hers. I run out of the room and slam through the bathroom door, nearly taking it off the hinges with my shoulder, only to find Electra simply sitting in the middle of the room, looking around.
“Fucking hell, Electra! You can’t do this shit to me!” I bend at the waist, bracing my hands on my knees as I will air into my lungs and steady my wild heartbeat. “Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
She’s okay. She’s alive and well. The darkness hasn’t taken over. She’s okay, but I’m not.
My breaths are shaky at best, and I feel moisture lining the bottom of my eyes.
She’s okay. She’s okay. She’s okay .
“Do you know how many things we take for granted?” Electra says calmly, as if I’m not dying over here and about to flip out on her when the tone of her voice fully registers.
It’s not the good kind of calm, not the one she usually is for me.
No, this is the deadly kind. It’s flat and emotionless. Cold.
“Say, a bath. I never appreciated it until I couldn’t have it anymore.”
A bath…she gave me a fucking heart attack because of a fucking bath? I’m gonna kill her.
“I haven’t had one in months. Did you know that? It’s not something you normally think about, is it? But it’s a luxury I can no longer afford. Hell, I didn’t like taking baths before the accident, yet now that’s all I’ve been thinking about. All I want.
“There are those that have a door and you can wheel yourself in there, close it and fill it, but then you have to sit there, shivering from cold when it empties so you can open the door again. It’s meant to be something great for disabled people but instead it makes you feel the weight of your loss all the more. It makes you feel like that cripple you really are.”
And just like that, my anger is gone only to be replaced with burning sadness for my little fallen star.
She just wants a bath.
My strong but very much defeated girl just wants a fucking bath.
Without a single thought, I stride to the gorgeous, free-standing bathtub. Now seeing how it must’ve been mocking her all these days. There, within her reach, but not. Just another tiny reminder of her current situation. Another thing that kept dinging against her armor every time she’s seen it.
I turn on the faucet until I’m happy with the temperature of the water and put the stopper in, filling the tub.
“What are you doing, Exton?” she asks as if she just noticed my presence in here, but I ignore her, looking for what I need.
“Found it,” I murmur to myself as I pull out the small bottle of bubble bath that often comes together in a set of decorative bath soaps which she happens to have.
“Found what?” Instead of answering, I walk back to the tub and pour half the small bottle in.
The foamy bubbles form almost instantly and Electra gasps. “Exton.”
“Mm-hmm?” I ask as I turn toward her.
“What are you doing?” she asks again, this time peering up at me with a look so heartbreaking, I almost can’t take it.
But I did tell her once that she could hurt with me, and I plan to honor those words for the rest of my life.
Hurt.
Scream.
Fear.
Cry.
Laugh.
Live.
Love.
All with me.
I first give her the answer with my eyes and then I give her the words, so it really sinks in.
“Giving you what you want, little star. I’ll always give you want you want, need, or don’t know that you’re missing.” I move closer, slipping my hands underneath her simple white V-neck t-shirt and taking it off her.