Chapter 28
Jensen
I wake to a deep, bruising ache radiating from my left ankle.
Though my eyes are still screwed shut, a lot of the confusion that yesterday brought has lifted, and I find myself deeply embarrassed by my actions.
What was I thinking, going for a long walk without my phone when bad weather was threatening?
And what the hell possessed me to go that far off-road?
Who the hell do I think I am? Bear Fucking Grylls?
I feel shaken and unsettled by how quickly things went from oh, isn’t this lovely and aren’t I mysterious to oh, fuck what if no one ever finds me, and I die all alone here?
To chase those thoughts away, I puff up the pillow under my head and gingerly open my eyes a crack. My field of vision is instantly filled by dark hair, dark eyes, and an alpha wearing the distinct expression of a man who has been watching me sleep.
“Good morning,” I chirp, feeling a bit awkward but also quite pleased.
“Good morning.”
There’s a drag in his voice. A sluggishness that’s more exaggerated than usual. He looks like hell, and a single deep breath tells me everything I need to know about why that is.
The rich, musky scent that filled my rooms last night and mingled with mine is muted.
There’s nothing but a faint trace of it left behind.
The air has thinned, as though a window has been left open for hours.
Only the barest woody notes of his scent remain.
Just enough to convince me that I didn’t dream everything that happened yesterday.
The rest of it has been replaced by the cold, blank whiff of plastic. By nothing where everything should be.
The way my heart drops makes me grateful that I’m lying down. It’s a sickening plunge. A deep, painful ache and a drop that makes my eyes sting. Bone matter shatters as hope disintegrates.
“Alfie,” I say before I’m able to censor myself. There’s a fluttery hint of accusation in my voice that I make no effort to remove. “You’re back on your meds, aren’t you?”
He nods unsteadily. “I am. I—”
Fool that I am, I fell asleep last night cocooned in hazy dreams that made me believe he liked my scent.
I thought it affected him the way his affected me.
I don’t know what I was thinking. How stupid of me.
Of course my scent didn’t affect him. He’s a Casanova alpha.
This is what happens. His scent affects all omegas. There’s nothing special about me.
What could possibly make me think I’d be special to him?
Hurt feelings and heaped doses of humiliation crash into me.
“I’d like you to leave my rooms, please,” I say.
His jaw drops microscopically, and his expression twists my pain into anger.
How dare he look surprised that I’m upset?
Of course I’m upset, and when I think about it, I’m not nearly as upset as I’m about to be.
If this man had any sense, he’d get far, far away from me, and he’d do it quickly.
I raise a hand and point at the door to avoid any confusion. “Kindly leave!”
He gets to his feet robotically, his stupidly handsome face a picture of bewilderment, and takes three hesitant paces toward the door before stopping and turning to face me.
“Get out!” I yell, my voice cracking as my temper frays beyond repair.
“I want to respect your wishes,” he says quietly.
“I do. But, but.” Holy fuck, is he giggling?
Is he seriously finding anything about this amusing?
“I find that I can’t make myself leave you.
” He shrugs broadly and looks so pleased with himself that I start wondering if he’s drunk.
I’ve never seen him like this. Dopey and unhinged and happy for no reason.
“It’s not that I don’t want to give you space.
I do. It’s that I physically can’t seem to make myself move any farther away from you. ”
Asshole that he is, he’s pleased with what he’s just said. He must be because his lips crack open and his sheepish giggle morphs into a soft, frothy rumble that bounces off my headboard and gets muffled by my bedsheets.
“I’m glad you think this is funny because I certainly don’t! I had a hellish day yesterday, and I look set to have another today. I would like you to leave my rooms this instant, but if you insist on staying here, the least you can do is bring me my laptop.”
He still looks pleased, but also unintelligent now. “What do you need your laptop for?”
“I need to book a one-way ticket back to Seattle,” I say firmly. “And I need to do it now.”
He shakes his head ruefully, pinching his lips together in faux apology. It makes me significantly angrier than I already was. Sadder too.
A single sexy shoulder rises and falls. “I’m afraid I can’t do that either.”
“Please go.” My voice cracks worse than before. “I don’t know what’s happening right now, or why you’re being like this. And I don’t understand why you think it’s funny that I’m upset, but I am. I’m very upset, and, and I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Why are you upset, little mouse?” His tone is gentle and kind, and his eyes, while dull, are filled with concern.
I don’t know what’s happened to him. I can only assume that stopping his meds and going back on them has wreaked havoc on his IQ. I’m trying not to take his behavior personally, but it feels very fucking personal, so I can’t really help it.
“I’m, I’m like all the rest of them…” I cut myself off when it becomes clear that if I say more, the sob I’m struggling to contain is going to make a break for freedom.
He looks at me long and hard before his eyes soften. “You’re nothing like anyone I’ve ever met.”
My anger dissipates completely, and it’s awful because without my anger, all I’m left with is a blinding ache in my chest.
“I am,” I sob. “I’m exactly like everyone else. I’m like all the other omegas, especially the bedraggled ones. All it took was one tiny whiff of your scent, and here I am, a total mess who’s stupidly managed to convince myself that I’m your, your…”
I manage to stop myself there. Thank God.
I’m embarrassed, mortified, and soon to be heartbroken. The least I can do is try to protect what’s left of my dignity and not stoop to telling this man what my deranged mind thinks I am to him.
“Your mate,” he says, taking a few smooth steps toward me and dropping down to his knees on the floor beside my bed. He takes my hand in his, and in my bewilderment, I let him. “You think you’re my mate.”
I try to snatch my hand away from him, cheeks so warm I feel myself color all the way to the tips of my ears.
“I do, but, but I know it’s not real,” I say to save face.
“I know I’m affected by you and why, and I’m going to be completely fine.
I just need to get away from you as fast as possible, and I’ll be totally fi—”
All the amusement drains from his face, and I’m left with chiseled lines and muscular planes I try to memorize for when I’m gone. “Jensen, do you know why I took the antidote yesterday?”
“’Cause I’m an idiot who gets lost and hurt on the moor because I let books like Wuthering Heights go to my head?”
“No.” He smiles wryly. “Not because of that.”
“Why then? You, you said you wouldn’t go off your meds for anyone. You said so at the masked ball, and you meant it. I could tell you meant it.”
He nods and swipes the pad of his thumb over the pulse point on my wrist. “I did mean it. I don’t want to hurt anyone and”—he pauses—“the thought of hurting you was especially unthinkable. The further I’ve gotten from the way I used to be, the more conscious I am of how much damage I’m capable of causing, and the more afraid I’ve become of hurting anyone like that again. ”
I know all this. He’s explained it to me before. “So why did you take it then?”
He rises from the floor and sits by my side on the bed, facing me. He doesn’t let go of my hand, and I can’t seem to find a way to make myself make him.
“A lot of things happened in quick succession yesterday,” he says.
“I was afraid when I couldn’t find you. Like, really horribly afraid.
Instinctively scared in a way I haven’t been for years.
I felt…wild. Like an animal. And then, when we couldn’t find you, Sid recommended we bring in an alpha from a nearby town to track you.
” He swallows hard, like he’s swallowing something that tastes bitter.
“It was a good idea in theory, but”—his eyelids drop and he shakes his head slightly—“it made me sick. The idea of another man, another alpha, scenting you, it made me… I couldn’t do it.
“I was so afraid of affecting you, terrified of going off my meds in case I’d hurt you, but then it hit me—I wouldn’t hurt you.
I realized it was safe to take the antidote because I wouldn’t hurt you.
No matter what, I will not hurt you. Driving back to the house with Sid, I came to understand that it doesn’t matter if we’re chemically compatible because whether we’re fated or not…
you’re the person I want to spend my life with. ”
He lifts my hand, squeezing my palm and dragging his lips lightly across my wrist. It’s a pointless gesture.
I know that. He’s impaired. He can’t smell me.
Still, the action gently touches my soul.
His words land on my skin, and I can’t tell whether it’s beautiful that he’d like to spend his life with me, even though our chemistry doesn’t align, or if it’s deeply insulting.
While I wrestle with that, Alfie scents my wrist again loudly, like an addict seeking a high when he’s jonesing.
He looks up at me and his eyes dampen. “It was beautiful, Jensen.” He presses my hand to his lips, stamping my palm, my wrist, and each individual knuckle before pressing my hand to his cheek. “It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.”
I gasp softly as what he’s saying takes hold. My legs go lame and my arms break out in goose bumps. My heart starts to beat like it’s brand new. An organ that’s bigger than me. An organ that beats for someone or something other than me.
“It was everything I imagined it would be.” He kisses my hand again, and his expression turns dreamy as he strokes the side of my face. “And it was better because it was you.”
I lean into his touch, my head lolling to expose my throat. The subconscious gesture makes him pause momentarily as the hand on my cheek cups my jaw and traces a line down my jugular. When he speaks, his voice is as soft as I’ve ever heard it. “You smell like home to me too, my mate.”
My heart soars and tears spill down my cheeks. “Your mate? I’m your mate?”
“Yes, you’re my mate, and I’m yours. You’re the safe place where I belong.
You smell like shelter and warmth to me.
Four walls and a ceiling. Home. You smell like home to me.
” His lips part. A hint of a shiny incisor glints at me as fondness and raw sexual magnetism spill out of him.
“Like sex at home. Like sex when the door’s locked and no one can hear us.
Sex in a safe place where nothing bad ever happens. ”
I’m so happy and shocked that I can’t breathe, and sweet Jesus, my heart is beating out of my chest.
“But, but, then why did you take your meds again?” I cry.
Alfie’s smile fades, and he strokes a lock of hair from my face.
“Because I want you to have agency over your body and your life. I want you to decide when, or if, you go into heat. I don’t want it to be something that happens to you simply because you’re close to me.
It’s important to me that you make that decision with a clear head because”—his voice deepens, gravel mixing with velvet—“when my knot swells inside you, and you ask me to bite you—”
“I won’t do that,” I tell him. “I won’t ask you to do that. I’m not like that. I have self-control.”
His nose crinkles, and he smiles woefully. “You will, my mouse. It’s not a matter of self-control. It’s a matter of biology. It’s a matter of my genetics and what I am. You will ask me to bite you. All omegas do. They beg until they’re hoarse, and so will you…”
I bristle, letting go of his hand and leaning back against the headboard. “You think an awful lot of yourself, Alfie. Have I ever told you that?”
“No.” He smiles. “But that’s not the point, and don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of time to tell me things like that later.
The point is, when you ask me to bite you, it will be different for me.
When you ask, I won’t feel any dread or fear.
I won’t hesitate at all because when you ask, the part of me that was born wild will take over.
Before the words leave your mouth fully, I’ll act.
I’ll do it. I’ll bite you.” He cups my cheek in his hand, stroking his thumb gently over my bottom lip.
“I’ll sink my teeth into your flesh, into your gland.
I’ll do it without thinking, without pause or a second’s doubt.
I’ll hold you in my arms and thrust into you.
I’ll break your skin as I bite down and leave my mark on you. ”
He nods thoughtfully, eyes glazing over.
“The first time you ask, Jensen, I’ll mate you for life…
and there’s nothing that could stop me.” He takes a deep breath to steady himself.
“I took my meds to give you time and the cool head you need to think about the future you want because I promise you, baby, the heat I bring on will be unlike anything you’ve ever felt.
There won’t be a rational thought between the pair of us. Only instinct.”
“Jesus,” I mutter as my dick stiffens.
Alfie smiles at me, seemingly aware of the reaction I’m having to his words, and I swear, it’s a smile laced with such hot sex that my vision is tinged with red.
I lean forward and rest my forehead against his.
His skin is warm, his body big and solid as his arms wrap around me.
My lips find his as if in a dream. A lazy haze where my body and actions belong to me, but also to something outside of me.
Something that feels a lot like the hand of fate.
It’s a kiss that starts slowly, a sweet stamp of flesh against flesh, a gentle exploration of his lips and mine. One that gradually heats. Our lips part at the same time, and both of us moan as our tongues find each other and the rest of the world fades.