Chapter 29 Asher
ASHER
The bench outside the church I first attended an AA meeting at was damp from rain, but as drunk as I was, I paid no attention as I sank onto it and stared at the doors leading to the basement where men funneled past to attend.
I sat with my bottle of rum in hand staring, knowing that entering that meeting would be a mockery of the program I had trusted to help me thus far.
The feeling of community, the togetherness, the way encouragement surrounded me when I went, it was all competently out of reach because I threw away my sobriety like a cheap rag the minute things got tough.
I was stewing, obsessing over how Veda had hurt me so desperately.
This wasn't at all like losing Emma. That had been out of my control, something life did to both of us.
But this—it was excruciating knowing a human being could hurt another, all for money.
And to think she was the very reason I'd come to this spot to begin with.
Getting sober happened because she pointed me this direction and because I wanted to be a better man for her.
Now where did that leave me? I didn't have her, and I didn’t have my sobriety.
And with two strikes against me, I'd lose the company for sure now.
Clayton was probably raking me over the coals every day while I sat around drinking until I passed out.
"Going in?" I heard, and looked up to see Robert Lang strutting toward the bench where I sat. He looked more casual than normal, wearing jeans and a sweater instead of his normal suit and tie. I glowered at how put-together he was and sank further into my self-pity.
"No," I grumbled, not bothering to look up at him. I suddenly felt very ashamed of the fact that I was completely wasted with a bottle in my hand set to be finished in under the hour.
"Asher, you look rough… How much have you had to drink today?" Robert had tried. My God, had he tried.
As my sponsor, it was his responsibility to be there for me, but he couldn’t control me.
He wasn't going to just lock me up in a room with no alcohol and throw away the key.
I was a grown adult. I had to make the choice to put the bottle away on my own, but I had no reason or motivation to do that now.
"Enough," I grunted, sitting a little straighter. "Go on to your meeting. This is as close as I'll ever get again."
Robert sighed and sat on the bench next to me, both of us staring at the door as they shut it. The meeting was starting and he'd be late, but he sat there with me in silence for several long minutes. When the silence finally became too loud for me, I spoke.
"I just can't do this anymore, Bob." I took a swig, almost spat it out, but swallowed down the burn like an old friend.
"What, exactly?" he asked.
"This," I said, gesturing to the whole world.
"My life, my job, being sober. I quit." I was so drunk, my words were slurred and I could hear it for myself.
"I have nothing… You know?" My head swayed and my vision was blurry as I turned my head to look at him.
"Cars, jobs, houses, billions… None of it means anything.
What I had was Emma and she's dead. She was everything and I have nothing now. "
Robert's head bobbed in agreement for a second, and I turned back to my bottle where I sulked and nursed it one sip at a time. But he said nothing. It felt like either he had nothing to say or he was just letting me vent off my emotions. But it made me angry.
"I'm gonna quit and let my brother have it all." I was so angry, I couldn’t say his name anymore. "I'll retire, live off my savings, and just let my body rot now."
Robert hummed his assent to my words, but then sighed. "You could do that, or you could get sober again and fight to find something better… Make a life worth living."
Rage exploded in my chest and I lurched to my feet, ready to walk off.
I'd had enough of people telling me what to do and where to go.
I knew it was just the alcohol, but it felt better to stew in my self-righteous anger than to listen to someone tell me how I did things wrong when I was the victim here.
"You don't get it, do you?" I rounded on him and swayed where I stood.
"Help me understand, Asher…" Robert was so patient, I couldn't stay mad at him. He sat there with such a kind expression, it melted me.
"She's what made it possible, okay? I got sober because of her. I can't do it again." My head swam, and I found it hard to stay standing. But I refused to sit down and feel belittled again.
"Veda isn't the reason you got sober, Asher.
She may have appeared at that moment, but she didn't make you do it or give you some magical power. You got sober because you were ready for something new… And you can’t let the fact that you got hurt ruin that.
" He stood, walking closer to me, and took the bottle from my hand.
"This stuff is poison. You're killing yourself slowly because your heart is broken.
But what if life can be good for you again? "
Tears burned in my eyes. I clenched my jaw to keep from crying as I said, "I can't. What would I have, anyway? I don't have a reason to be sober."
Robert poured the rest of the rum onto the sidewalk and set the bottle back on the bench. I stared at it longingly, knowing my driver would never take me to another liquor store when I was this drunk. I'd end up passed out in the back seat until I sobered up, just like the last three days.
"No one has power over you but you, Asher. You’re making your own choices now, not Veda.
Remember when you spoke with Mike and talked him down from the same ledge you just jumped off?
That's why you do this… Because being a good human and helping others reclaim their lives is what motivates you.
Not a job, not billions, not even a woman. "
He stood there while I swayed and blinked back tears. I remembered that night of helping Mike and I remembered feeling good about what I was doing. Now I felt like a loser, broken and needy and spinning out.
"And you should know that Veda spoke to the board on your behalf.
She told us everything Clayton did." I snarled at the mention of his name, but Robert continued.
"What your brother did was despicable. Your reaction was shocking, but all of us agree that something has to be done about Clayton.
" He narrowed his eyes as he said the next thing.
"He tried to use this relapse as a way to force you out, and it almost worked.
But the board won't stand in your corner if you're going to keep drinking on the job. Enough is enough…"
My jaw worked like a fish trying to breathe and I felt stupid just standing there. When I was able to form a coherent thought, I asked, "Veda spoke to the board?"
"She did," he said, taking a step backward.
"For what it's worth, she really loves you, Asher.
And whether you like it or not, she's having your baby.
But if a woman stood before the board for me and flushed her entire reputation down the toilet like that to make sure I got the help I needed, I'd want to hang on to her. "
He took another step backward while my mind tried to hold onto the point he was making.
"I'm going inside. You’re welcome to join us.
I'm sure you'll find help even though you're drunk.
" He kept walking backward toward the door, probably hoping I'd say okay and go with him, but I had no intention of going in.
I didn't even know why I showed up here.
"And who knows… if you get your head on straight, the board might just back you up with a vote of no confidence in Clayton as chairman. But not if you're wasted all the time."
When he dipped into the building, I picked up that bottle and launched it in my fury at the stone exterior. It shattered and scattered across the sidewalk where the shards of glass made the light dance and reflect.
This was exactly why I didn't go to work for the past three days. Just hearing their names had set me off to the point of explosive anger. Now I had that much more emotion to settle and I had no rum to drown it with.
I stalked back toward my waiting limo with my head down.
Every step was a struggle, swaying and stumbling.
It was a miracle I didn't faceplant and pass out right there on the sidewalk, but I managed to stay upright.
I was only a few yards away from the door when I noticed movement on the other side of the street and looked up to see Mike climbing out of his car.
He didn't look my way, and for a second I was grateful that I blended into the darkness and shadows. But watching him strut off toward the church looking excited to walk into that meeting made me remember how good it felt to have those men surround me and encourage me.
I stood there watching until he descended into the building, and everything inside me screamed at me to just follow him.
Robert was right.
There was supposed to be so much more to life than just drinking until I passed out.
I had so many hopes and dreams, and so much to offer this world.
The very fact that I could see how life was supposed to be, even though it wasn't, proved to me that it could improve.
I had seen life improve already. And here I was, refusing to get up and try again.
Veda didn't do that to me. I did.
What she had done for me was to show me that hope existed. I was the one who had done the rest.
It made something click inside my chest, and slovenly drunk or not, I knew I needed that meeting more than I needed air. I started walking back toward the church, hoping somehow, those men could forgive my failure.
And maybe, just maybe, after this meeting was over and I was a bit clearer of mind, I'd have the patience to at least listen to Veda's story.
He was right about that too… We were having a baby together, like it or not, and it was now the one good thing in my life I knew I couldn’t mess up.