Chapter Eleven
CHAPTER ELEVEN
P HOEBE STROLLED IN the autumn sunshine, slowly winding her way back to Edo’s apartment. It was a beautiful morning, with beautiful people everywhere, and she watched them all—desperately needing the distraction from her racing over-thinking. Edo had been so deeply asleep he’d not stirred when she’d left the bed. Still hadn’t stirred while she’d eaten, showered, dressed, then paced in his lounge. In the end she’d had to get out. Had to breathe. Because she had to get a grip on herself.
Yesterday had been intense , while last night had been unforgettable. He’d opened up to her. He’d held her. All night. He’d been tender and caring and more vulnerable than she’d ever imagined. He had demons and doubts and while she couldn’t wave some magic wand and make them all go away, maybe she could support him. If only he wanted her to and she couldn’t help hoping that maybe he did. She couldn’t stop that hope from growing. Maybe they could be more . Maybe they could last . Because she was more than half in love with him.
But she’d been wrong before. So wrong. So she was particularly wary of facing him. Perhaps if she just gave them more time, if she stayed near, then maybe his defences might lower… She wanted that so much, it terrified her. Her nerves grew with every step she took back, multiplied when one of the bodyguards raced up to her about a block out from his building and insisted she come with him urgently.
‘Has something happened?’ she asked, suddenly breathless.
The man didn’t answer, merely muttered something short and sharp into a discreet microphone and set a punishing pace. Her heart pounded as he escorted her into the building—past another man who held the door, another who was holding the lift doors open. He pushed the buttons but let her enter alone.
The ride to the penthouse took too long.
Edo stood right in front of the lift door. His stormy expression pushed Phoebe’s pulse higher but before she could ask what was wrong he stepped forward and pulled her from the lift.
‘Where have you been?’ he rapped.
‘For a walk,’ she said, trying not to react to the tension screaming from him. ‘You were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to disturb you.’
‘You escaped your bodyguard,’ he snapped.
‘I didn’t escape him, I—’
‘He’s been dismissed.’
‘Edo, that’s not fair.’ She snatched a breath. ‘I told him I didn’t need him—’
‘And I told him to watch you at all times. You can’t just wander off.’
He couldn’t possibly be serious. ‘I was only gone an hour.’ She stared at him, pained to see him struggling with his emotion. ‘Can I not just go out? Would you have me electronically tagged, like a prize heifer?’
He didn’t laugh and suddenly she was too strung out herself to handle him well. ‘I simply explored your very posh neighbourhood in the sunshine. Is that so terrible?’
‘It’s not safe.’
‘It’s ridiculously safe.’ She inhaled sharply again. He was upset because he’d been worried— irrationally worried—and she had to make him see that. ‘Edo, what happened to Dante was so awful, I can’t imagine it. But he wouldn’t want you worrying like this for the rest of your life—’
‘They never caught them.’ He cut her off.
‘What?’ She stilled.
‘The fiends who took him. Never caught. Dante was too traumatised to give much information and they never—’ His breathing heaved. ‘For all I know, they’re still out there.’
‘Edo.’ She leaned back against the wall, her legs suddenly weak.
‘You didn’t take the most basic precautions,’ he growled. ‘ Basic , Phoebe. When you are so vulnerable. You’re pregnant .’
She gazed at the wildness in his eyes, the pallor of his skin. Her walking in the sun for an hour had been torture for him. Because of the baby.
‘You can’t live like this,’ she muttered sadly.
His expression turned thunderous. ‘Like “this”?’
She was heartbroken for him. He was so isolated. So fearful. So burdened by the belief he had to protect her that he couldn’t enjoy even the little things in life—couldn’t let her, either.
‘You can’t control everything .’ Her emotion got the better of her. ‘Not the weather. Not random things. Not life. Not me either. And I don’t want our child to be afraid to go for a walk in their own neighbourhood.’ She didn’t want any of them being afraid to go further than three feet from a tribe of bodyguards. ‘We can’t condemn this baby to a life of fear . It’ll be damaging—’
‘You think I’ll damage our child with my concerns?’ He jerked back. ‘If that’s the case, then perhaps its best if you return to London sooner rather than later.’
‘What?’ She froze. She hadn’t meant to make him snap. But he had. Just like that.
‘You’ll be better off there. As will the baby.’
She struggled to understand what he was saying—to be sure whether he meant it. ‘Have you changed your mind about me staying here in Italy until the birth?’ Truly—just like that?
To her horror, he jerked his head in assent.
‘You’re right, I can’t control you here. I don’t want to. More importantly, you don’t want me to. So I’ll step back. But I’ll make sure you’re safe in London.’
Wild hurt rose within her. ‘I can keep myself safe. Case in point, this morning.’
‘What you do with my security plan when you’re there is up to you.’
‘Your security plan?’ Was he really only concerned with keeping her physically safe ? Was there really nothing more to what he wanted for her? Or for their baby?
‘Yes.’ He met her gaze steadily. ‘But you also need your friends, Phoebe. Their support. You need your place.’
So he wasn’t a friend? And her place wasn’t here with him. Because he didn’t want to support her.
She reeled, desperately cut. Because, despite her best efforts, she’d still fallen for him. She’d still believed they might have a chance .
‘Why did you even bother with this in the first place?’ she asked angrily. ‘Why not just leave me and your unwanted offspring to fend for ourselves?’
‘I wanted what’s best, but—’
‘So do better ,’ she said. ‘Don’t just throw money at the problem and walk away. Are you really not going to be there for your own child ?’
Their baby deserved everything . And, heaven help her, she’d wanted everything.
‘I’ll see it when I visit,’ he muttered tightly.
It. How was he back to it ? ‘And how often is that going to be?’
He didn’t answer. But Phoebe already knew. It would never be often enough.
‘Our baby needs you.’ Agonised, her heart was shredded. ‘ I need you—’
* * *
‘No.’
Edo turned away, unable to keep looking at her. She was right. It wasn’t good for either her or their child to be around him, but not only because of his security concerns. He would let her down and he would let the child down, and it was better for her to know that now. It was better to make this mess certain.
When he’d woken alone this morning and couldn’t find her in the apartment, nightmare moments had become minutes. Honestly, he couldn’t survive another moment of that kind of agony, so his close involvement had to end immediately . He’d lost his cool with his security team, but he was irate with her. She’d shrugged off her protection so casually, so carelessly . He’d told her about Dante and she still didn’t get it. Didn’t factor in his feelings.
And why should she when his feelings clearly weren’t her primary concern. God, he’d wanted her to factor them in. He’d wanted her to care. But the emotion he’d thought he’d seen in her eyes just then hadn’t been real because she’d gone out regardless. And, even if it was real, then it wasn’t right—she wouldn’t be happy with him because at some point he would fail her. And he wanted her to be happy. But, more importantly than anything else, he wanted her to be safe. She would be safer in so many ways without him.
‘Edo—’
‘It was my fault,’ he said brusquely.
He was as bad as his grandfather. As blind. He would screw them up in an unforgivable way.
‘What?’
‘Dante’s abduction was my fault.’ He spun back to face her. ‘It was raining and we were late. I was impatient and wouldn’t wait for him. I tossed him my jacket and told him to walk. I didn’t mean it, it’s just that he was slow. Always so slow. I pushed ahead and was idling at the corner when the van swung in. They thought he was me.’
‘Edo…’ She paled. ‘And you saw it?’
‘From too far away to do anything,’ he muttered. ‘I let him down that day. Again when I couldn’t convince them to pay the ransom. And again when I focused on making money to help him instead of just being there. My grandfather was emotionally inept and I’m the same. We’re missing something vital, Phoebe. Like I already told you, I’m not fit to be a father.’
White and breathless, she looked as worried as he’d felt five minutes ago. ‘That’s not true.’ She moved closer. ‘It wasn’t your fault. None of that was your fault.’
She was wrong.
She stepped closer. ‘And you’re not alone in this. We can do this together, raise this baby together—’
No . Pain whistled in Edo’s lungs. Because he saw it then—the caring he wanted. The caring he couldn’t let her give to him. ‘You and me are good together in bed. That’s all.’
She stilled.
‘It’s all it is, all it’s ever been,’ he pushed, needing to make her want to leave. ‘Stress release. You said it yourself. It’s all you wanted from me.’
There was a sharp silence before defiance sparked in her eyes. ‘It’s all you wanted to let me have.’
That hit. Her mouth opened but he wouldn’t—couldn’t—let her say anything more. ‘I thought you weren’t going to give everything up for a guy again.’
Phoebe flinched at his caustic vehemence. ‘I’m not, I’m—’
‘No?’ He stepped forward, his words acidic and mocking. ‘Then you’re what? What were you about to offer ?’
Anger poured from him now and pushed into her. What had she been going to offer? Everything . Because that was what she did. And you know what? That was okay. That was her and it was what she’d do for anyone—everyone—she loved. Including him.
‘I’m not going to apologise for how I feel .’ She thrust back into his space. ‘I’m not going to apologise for who I am .’
She couldn’t believe what was happening. He didn’t just struggle with loss but with guilt, and it was too much for anyone to bear. But he didn’t have to do it alone—she would be with him. Only he was determined to push her away.
‘I’m a passionate, caring person, right?’ She threw back his description of her. ‘Willing to go all in for someone.’
‘Willing to stay in my compound, surrounded by bodyguards, secreted away for ever?’ He pulled her to him, squeezing out what little breath was left in her lungs. ‘Phoebe?’
He gazed into her eyes and pressed her closer. He could mould her to him so easily. She shivered as he all but rummaged through her soul. And then—even more easily—she melted.
Yes . She was willing. She quite desperately wanted to be with him.
His sharp inhalation pierced the warmth permeating her. ‘Only because you can’t get enough of this .’ He harshly released her. ‘Chemistry. Great sex, Phoebe. There’s nothing more to us than that.’
He flipped from sizzling to stone-cold in less than a second.
‘Last night wasn’t a stress release,’ she threw back at him, sliced. Not for her. It had been connection and giving. And of course they were more than great sex. Her demanding that ‘honeymoon’ had been little more than bravado. She’d thought she could remain emotionally independent, but she’d been wrong. Everything had changed for her and honestly she couldn’t believe it hadn’t changed for him as well. Because he’d been unable to stay away from her too.
‘You’re willing to give everything up for me, Phoebe?’ he taunted cruelly. ‘Lose yourself for a man who’ll never give you what you want or what you deserve?’
She didn’t want to lose herself in him. She wanted to build a life with him. This relationship was utterly different to the one she’d had with Ryan. Because this was Edo, and he was kind and thought beyond himself. ‘You have more to give than you—’
‘No,’ he interrupted. ‘I told you, Phoebe. I can’t . I never promised anything more.’
It slapped. Hard. Edoardo Benedetti would never love her. He wanted her—temporarily—but wouldn’t love her. He didn’t want to attach to anyone. He deserved to love and be loved every bit as much as she did, but he’d encased his heart in stone. The way he’d played her just now was excruciating .
‘And you won’t even try?’ she asked even though she knew the answer. Not for her. Not for anyone. And that was not good enough for their child .
‘Why would you sacrifice everything to settle for so little?’ he said.
‘It’s not what I’d be doing,’ she said, with sudden clarity. ‘The person I’m willing to sacrifice everything for is our child.’
His mouth thinned. ‘Don’t use the baby to blackmail me into what you want.’
‘As if you didn’t do that to me?’ She shot back. ‘And for what? A piece of paper you’re going to do nothing with. You’re abdicating your responsibilities. Well, you don’t get to choose which little parts of parenting you get to perform.’
‘Actually, that’s exactly what I get to do.’
‘Not with me. Not with my child.’ She snarled. ‘ My child should have more . Not suffer a thousand cuts while trying so hard to get their father’s approval or attention, and never being able to, because you’ll never stay long enough, never visit enough. You’ll never be enough for this baby because you’re not actually interested and I don’t want my child going through that.’
‘All or nothing, is that what you’re saying?’ He glared at her. ‘Is this an ultimatum?’
She tossed her head. ‘Yes.’
His eyes were like ice chips. ‘Then it’s nothing.’
‘Just like that?’ She chilled. He would walk away from everything ?
‘Yes.’
Wow. She steeled herself. She’d suffered rejection so many times, but this was the absolute worst.
‘I got you something. Not that you’re going to need it.’ With shaking hands, she took the cheerfully wrapped present from her bag and set it on the table. She’d seen it when walking past the boutique shops this morning and had been unable to resist buying it for him. She’d been stupidly nervous about it, actually—had hoped he’d understand her intention.
But he didn’t even look at it, let alone open it. He just stared at her.
‘Get me on the first flight to London,’ she said. She wasn’t sticking around to suffer for a second longer. ‘Now . ’