Chapter Fourteen #2
“Finally, Maya and Sofia, Ramon and Izzy’s twins.” Siobhan stretched her arms to hug the last pair together, too, eyes sheening with fresh tears before she closed them. “Maya and Sofia are five, same as the cousin-twins.”
“We thought they were the last batch in the oven, then we got the big news,” Cinnia said.
Joaquin snapped a look to Siobhan. Had she told her sister?
“That’s right. Two are missing!” Siobhan tucked her fists on her hips and pretended to search around her feet. “Lettie?”
“I tried to take them yesterday, to play house,” Colette said. “Mama said no.”
“Aren’t you the killjoy,” Siobhan teased Cinnia.
“I know, right?”
“We’ll meet Gili and Kasim’s twins later. Thank you for using your best manners.” Siobhan clapped her hands. “Go back to what you were doing. We’ll play hide-and-seek after dinner if you want to.”
“Yes!” The children raced up the stairs.
Siobhan kept a smile on her face as they left, but it hardened and cracked when Cinnia wrapped her arm around her waist.
“See? They just wanted you here. We all do. You’re shaking.” Cinnia drew back to look at her, gaze widening in alarm.
“I’m fine.” Siobhan brushed her off.
Joaquin saw how pale she was and clasped her cold hand.
“We had a late night at my company Christmas party,” he lied. They’d actually left early, but Cinnia didn’t need to know that. “Do you mind if we freshen up before we meet everyone else?”
Siobhan thought she was doing a credible job of keeping her emotions in check. She wasn’t even sure why she was having such a rattled reaction. The children were all safe and healthy and happy. Their hugs always filled up spaces inside her that she wasn’t aware had run empty.
But the whole time she’d been greeting them, she’d been suffering a growing sense of doom. Of failure. Guilt.
She brought Joaquin into the mini-suite that had been hers since moving here ten years ago.
Cinnia had had it freshened up when Siobhan had left for London to live with Ramon and Izzy, so it was now a more neutral green instead of mauve.
The hard-used computer desk and worn-in love seat had been replaced with sleek, comfortable new ones.
The top quilt on the bed was no longer printed with periodic symbols.
The bedding had been converted to the standard Sauveterre issue of blue with a yellow stripe.
It was still “Dorry’s room,” though. The shelves around the parlor area were stuffed with her old textbooks.
The photo of herself with glasses, braces and a big smile, holding the newborn Rosie and Lettie, was still on the night table.
The bathroom and walk-in closet were stocked with a selection of her favorite cosmetics and clothes.
Joaquin’s things were already hanging in there, she noticed with a small double-take. That was weird, but nice.
“If you need anything, the house phone connects to the kitchen.” She pointed to the cordless extension on the desk.
“They relay messages to the drivers or security or whoever you’re looking for.
The doors to the balcony stick in winter.
I’ll show you how to do it.” She swept the drapes away from the glass and unlatched the lock.
“Siobhan.” Joaquin turned her and wrapped his arms around her in a hug that was tight enough to immobilize her. He ran his hands over her, smoothing all the fraying threads coming off her. “Catch your breath.”
A tiny sob escaped her. She clutched at him. How had he known?
“I don’t know why I’m upset,” she said in frustration. “I love them so much and I want to be here, but…”
He didn’t say anything, only closed his arms tighter around her, tucking her head into the hollow of his shoulder as though sheltering her from danger.
“You’re right,” she admitted in a strained voice as angry heat rose behind her breastbone. “I hate her.”
“Who?” He lifted his head to look down on her, gaze sparking with battle readiness.
“Dorry.” The scalding sensation traveled from behind her heart up to her throat.
“I don’t want to be her. She’s thoughtless and naive and stupid.
She doesn’t deserve to be loved by all of those children who trust her.
But I have to be her to be here.” She brushed at a tickle on her cheek and realized it was a tear. “God, I’m pathetic.”
She tried to turn away, but he kept her in the cage of his arms, holding her before him, unable to hide from herself or him.
“Why can’t you forgive yourself and let it go?” he asked.
“Because they’re innocent children!” She flicked her fingers toward the door. “I walked a wolf right into their home.”
“Did you sneak him in? I thought you said Ramon allowed you to bring him into their home.”
“Yes, but they all spoil me.” She’d been a child herself when she came here. Henri and his family had indulged her at every turn. “Ramon trusted me to have a gauge on someone I was sleeping with. Someone I claimed to love.”
He flinched, but only said, “You didn’t let him betray you, Siobhan.
He just did it.” There was a ragged edge in his voice that told her he understood that type of pain at a soul-deep level.
“Is it really Dorry you hate? Or how badly she got hurt? Is turning your back on her your way of hiding from that?”
A pulse of anguished discovery shot through her. It was the jump-scare of catching her own reflection in a mirror. More of those stupid, stupid tears rose in her eyes because one word was lighting up her brain. Yes.
She was deeply hurt and deeply angry that she’d been hurt. Her life had been one where she had been smothered in love. She had opened her heart to Gilbert as innocently as those children opened theirs to her. Having her heart stomped on and tossed away had been shocking. Unbearable.
“You’re not the villain here.” His graveled voice stirred her hair.
“I know, but…” She had to bite her lips to keep them from trembling.
Her chest felt full of pins. “How could I love someone so awful? I feel foolish. I thought we were going to get married and… I keep thinking that I let it happen because I was in a hurry for this.” She drew back to wave a hand at the room around them. The house and the family within it.
She began to shake again because she was laying bare more than her hurt and her heart. She was telling him what she wanted from him. And she already knew he might not be able to give it to her.
“I want a partner in life. I want children. Not just this baby.” She touched her abdomen. “But siblings. A family. I want big gatherings and silly arguments over holidays and all the love—”
This wasn’t supposed to be a test, but she sensed the way he withdrew a little, hiding his thoughts while she cleared her throat and continued to speak.
“—that I see when everyone is together like this. I always envied Cin for having this when I lived here. That’s what I feel like I don’t deserve after bringing Gilbert into their lives.
I thought he was going to give me this and he didn’t.
” The scored sensation behind her sternum deepened. “He showed me why I couldn’t have it.”
“Do you still love him?” Tension entered his body, as though bracing for a blow.
“No.” The irony was she had hated Gilbert for so long, she couldn’t remember why she had thought she loved him.
He’d been a master at witty observations and charming compliments.
He had claimed to want what she wanted—travel and a concentration on career, then a family.
It had all been a lie, though. He hadn’t even been good in bed! Not like…
Don’t. The fact that Joaquin gave her orgasms didn’t mean she ought to fall for him.
Don’t fall in love again, she warned herself, but the layers of her defenses were peeling away like broken eggshells.
Joaquin wasn’t even trying to get under her skin!
He was only being himself: honest and honorable and protective.
Holding her when she was upset. He didn’t see through her. He saw her.
It was deeply perturbing, not because she didn’t feel safe with him, but because she did. What if she was setting herself up for another grave disappointment?
The more time she spent with him, however, the more her turmoiled emotions around Gilbert became flaky remnants she was happy to discard.
Letting go of her hurt and anger and guilt made room for this: for Joaquin and the things she felt for him that were already far stronger and sweeter and hotter and more enduring than she’d felt for anyone else ever.
She was falling in love with him, she realized with a lurch in her heart. And she wanted him to love her back.
Was it even possible for him to love, though? Was it possible for him to love her?
The yearning in her was so strong, she could only stare at the tab on his quarter-zip pullover, trying to hold back the burst of emotion that was threatening to crest again and spill over in fresh tears.
“You were young, Siobhan. You made a mistake. We all do that.” He smoothed her hair and pressed it against her skin as he tucked his hand against her neck. “But the way you’re punishing yourself puts me in an impossible position.”
She frowned up at him. “How?”
“I won’t tolerate anyone being cruel to the mother of my child.” His thumb caressed the edge of her jaw. “So I must insist you set your anger aside, carino. Be kind to yourself.”
“Or you’ll do what?” she asked on a chuckle of reluctant humor.
“Distract you. Coax you into a better mood.” He dipped his head to graze a light kiss against her lips. “Remind you that you deserve to be treated well.”
A spark of sensuality flew directly into her center and began to burn. He was distracting her. He was making her feel cossetted and appreciated and understood. He was making her feel hope.
And maybe, just maybe, she was lucky that Gilbert had disappointed her so badly. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be here in this moment with this man. Maybe fate really had had a plan.
That thought was a jostling turn of a kaleidoscope, rearranging all her dark, jagged thoughts into new, colorful patterns. Something that dazzled.
“How well?” she asked as she stole her fingers into his hair. “Teach me a lesson.”
“That would be my pleasure.” He claimed her mouth with his own and reached past her to yank the curtain back into place.