19. Ray
Ray
S lamming my hands against the steering wheel trying to suppress the urge to scream seemed to be the only thing that remotely calmed me down.
This morning was a goddamn disaster. It was the third anniversary of Dad’s passing, and usually I was the only one affected by it because Mom wasn’t aware enough to understand what day it was.
Even if I explained it to her, it would just result in a fit of tears for twenty minutes before she forgot why she was crying.
But this year, with Mom’s new medication making her much more lucid and less forgetful, she knew exactly what day it was. She was inconsolable.
I would be going to the cemetery alone.
But of course, nothing was going right. As I sat in the parking lot of the hospital, the snow falling around me, my engine refused to start. It wouldn’t even rev. I wanted to fucking cry.
My phone rang from my purse. I swiped away the few stray tears that had managed to slip out as I searched for my phone, slicing my finger open again as I got my hands around it. Brute lit up my screen.
I didn’t want to answer. Today was not the fucking day for him to beg me to sleep with him—again. But I also knew damn well that I was expected at work almost an hour ago, so the call was more likely regarding that.
“What do you want?” I said, my voice breaking far more than I wanted it to.
“Where are you?” he asked, concern tainting his voice instead of the irritation I expected. At least that was a single, lonesome positive in an otherwise shitty start to the day. “You were meant to be here an hour ago.”
“I’m having the worst fucking morning of my life.” I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry. I’ll be at work soon.”
“What’s happened?”
I didn’t need to explain myself. But it all seemed to bubble up, desperate for some kind of escape, and poured from my mouth before I could stop it.
“My car won’t start and I wanted to go to the cemetery before work because it’s the anniversary of Dad’s passing.
Mom is too lucid to go with me and understands everything that’s going on so she’s impossible to comfort right now.
” The backs of my eyes burned as more tears managed to pass through.
“She’s inconsolable. And my phone is fucking broken and I’m exhausted but I need to go to Dad’s grave.
I also need to get to work, and I can’t fucking breathe right because I’m a snotty mess?—”
“I’ll come get you,” he said without any hesitation. His voice was calm, soft, a cool breeze on a hot day. If only I wasn’t freezing my ass off in my car. “I’ll take you to the cemetery. Where are you, Ray?”
I didn’t want him to have to do that. I didn’t want to be a burden. But I also didn’t have any other choice. “I’m at the hospital,” I sobbed, more of me cracking from the relief. “I’m in my car.”
“Hey, hey, calm down,” he cooed, the jingling sound of keys and a door closing coming through the phone. “It’s okay. Do me a favor and go inside, okay? It’s fucking freezing and you don’t need to be sitting out there in it.”
I nodded and pushed the door open before remembering he couldn’t hear a nod. “Okay.”
“I’ll be there in ten. Do you want me to stay on the phone?”
“No,” I croaked, the little bits of broken glass poking into the numb skin of my face. “I’ll wait.”
————
By the time Wade’s car pulled up to the front doors of the hospital, I’d managed to calm myself down significantly. My eyes were swollen, my nose and throat raw, but at least the tears had stopped.
I didn’t wait for him to get out. I yanked the passenger side door open and flopped down into the warm interior, placing my bag at my feet wordlessly. I wasn’t sure what to say to him nor was I sure I could actually talk.
He reached behind into the small back seat and grabbed something before placing it into my lap. “Which cemetery is it?” he asked.
I stared down at the black box, a far too familiar logo on the top of it.
He bought me a new fucking phone.
“Ray?”
I looked at him, my breath catching in my throat as his soft gaze met mine. Just the way he looked at me tempted a sob to break through and warmed my cheeks, daring me to say thank you. I hated that I wanted to do more than thank him.
“Columbia,” I managed.
He nodded and shifted into drive.
————
The flowers I placed on Dad’s grave were getting battered by the snow and likely wouldn’t make it to the end of the day but it didn’t matter. I’d made it, I’d said my words, I’d cried my tears.
Wade stood off to the side with enough distance between us so that I had privacy. The snow had seeped through my jeans while I was kneeling, and as I stood and brushed myself off, Wade stepped over to help me steady myself. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry you got dragged into this.”
He shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Your dad meant a lot to you. I’m happy I could get you here.” His eyes stared straight ahead, locked on my father’s headstone as if it were hypnotizing. Adam Harleson. I knew the feeling.
“Thanks.” I sniffled and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my jacket, not even caring anymore if he saw. “He was… he was a great man. All he wanted to do was make people happy, you know? That was all. Mom, me, his friends, the people that he drove from place to place. It might sound silly?—”
“It’s not,” Wade said. “I get it. I can tell it isn’t simply love for a person that helped create you. You know why?”
I shook my head and looked up at him.
“Because if my dad died tomorrow, I don’t know if I’d cry.
I don’t think I’d visit his grave every year.
” His arm came around my shoulders, tugging me toward his side.
“There would be a part of me that missed him, sure, but there wouldn’t be this all-consuming ache years after he was gone.
He’d have to be a fucking incredible human being for me to feel that way and he just isn’t.
And from the little bit you’ve told me about your father, it sounds like he’s worth the tears. ”
I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t a world I could imagine where Dad’s death hadn’t had the toll on me that it did, and maybe he was right—maybe that wasn’t just because he was my father, but because of who he was to me and to others.
The backs of my eyes burned for the millionth time as I recognized that he saw that and that maybe, just maybe, Wade had been listening to me at the ice rink.
Why did he have to be such a rollercoaster?
“He signed me up for lessons,” I said, my voice barely louder than a whisper.
“What?”
“The question you asked me on the ice, why I was so good at skating. I didn’t answer you,” I clarified.
“Dad signed me up when we could barely afford it. I wouldn’t shut up about how all my friends were taking figure skating lessons and it made my parents feel bad when they said no because I didn’t understand.
He picked up an extra shift a week just to afford it. ”
I could hear the breath in his chest slowly leave.
I wanted to push myself into it, let his warmth envelop me the way I wanted to be held, but I knew damn well that was just the grief.
When today was done, I’d be back to pushing him away.
I knew it wasn’t healthy. It was heartbreak on a platinum platter. But just for today, I’d let myself.
He rested his chin on the top of my head and pulled me in just a little bit closer.
“We’ll stay as long as you need. Work can wait.”
————
Wade’s eyes looked me up and down, lingering far too long on my body. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Toothbrush and all. I’m positive.
” I leaned against the body of my car. Wade had paid upfront to have the alternator and battery replaced and the window repaired.
I’d failed to tell him about the check engine light or that the repairman had said my coolant was leaking, but that was for future Ray to deal with.
“And everything’s sorted with your mom?” He popped the lid on the trunk of his car.
“Yep. Caregivers round the clock. But if something happens?—”
“We’ll drive straight back.”
I’d told myself for days now that everything would be fine.
It was only an hour’s drive at most in the snow, and with enough preparation on my part, I could make it back if things went south for Mom.
I’d only been away for a night at most over the last three years, and five nights felt like a lifetime in comparison.
I pulled my suitcase out of my car and pushed it into Wade’s waiting hands. His eyes looked from me to the empty trunk of my car, to my far too-light bag in his hands. “There’s no way this is all of it.”
I shrugged. “I’ve got my dress, underwear, bras, pajamas, makeup, toothbrush, toothpaste…”
His eyes bugged. “Your dress is in here?”
“Uh… yes?”
“The one you charged my card nearly seven grand for? That dress is in this bag?” He shook it in front of me as if to emphasize how light it was. “You can’t—… Ray. That should be in a garment bag. You know those long bags with the zipper up the front and a hanger?”
I leveled a glare at him as I snatched it from his hands, dropping it into the trunk on top of his two suitcases. “I know what a garment bag is.”
He blinked at me in disbelief. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t satisfying to fuck with him. “Did you even bring casual clothes? We’re going to be there for five days, Ray. You can’t be in pajamas the entire time.”
“You’re such a buzzkill.” I pulled open the back door of my car, keeping my eyes locked on him. An irritated twitch ticked in his jaw when I slid my actual suitcase off the seat along with a garment bag.
“Is this your idea of a joke?” he asked, his lips flat but the smallest hint of amusement in his eyes.
“April fools,” I grinned. I pushed the bags into his arms.
“It’s February,” he laughed, the veil of irritation slipping entirely. He placed my suitcase carefully on top of his own before hanging the bag in his backseat. “You’re positive you’ve bought enough to look the part?”