Chapter 45
Lucy
We land at an airport in Iowa City and slide into a sleek black SUV waiting for us at the gate. This is a much smaller airport than the field we fly out of in New York. It’s dark, snow falling around the halos of light from the streetlamps.
In the car, we pass a frozen river on our right, students and people in scrubs trudging along the shoveled sidewalks, bundled to within an inch of their lives in coats and scarves.
The wind whistles against the side of the SUV, rocking it gently as we turn into the curving road in front of the hospital.
Because Auggie is fifteen, he’s in the Children’s Hospital, rather than the main building. We walk in as the driver takes the car away, shuffling through the security at the front.
“Augustus Sullivan,” I croak, when the woman at the front desk asks who I’m here to see. She doesn’t blink twice at the men with me—maybe she thinks they’re uncles, other relatives. We all get name tags and find the elevator she’s directed us toward.
Augustus is in the ICU. We pass floor-to-ceiling windows, and when I glance through them, I see the heli-pad on the roof, a red and black helicopter perched like a strange bird, just visible through the snow coming down outside the window. Did Augustus come here in that?
The nurse at the ICU check-in desk stops us.
“Only four allowed at a time,” she says, and I glance between the guys, back at her. She must see the question in my eyes, because she says, “There’s already one back there.”
At that moment, my mother emerges from the room.
Her cheeks are red, and she holds a balled-up tissue in her hand—she’s been crying. She looks up, sees me, and too many emotions flash over her face, too quickly.
“What are you doing here?” she hisses, taking my wrist and pulling me to the side of the hall, her gaze darting to the men that hover behind me. One of them must be staring at where she holds me, because she drops it a moment later.
“I’m here to see Auggie.” My voice is low and hard, and I realize it reminds me of Dane. Firm and commanding. It seems to surprise my mother, that I’m talking to her like this.
“I’m sorry, Lucia,” she says, drawing up into herself, crossing her arms under her chest. “Just because your father isn’t here doesn’t mean I’ll allow this.
He made it clear—you are not going to see your siblings while you’re…
” she looks up at the men, as though searching for the words, “…acting in this ungodly way.”
The small girl inside of me, the one who ran away last time, in Mary’s hospital room, wants to cower. To apologize, to make everything right. To be my mother’s good girl again.
But there’s a different woman inside me now.
The one who sees herself reflected in the guys.
Who laughs and cries in their arms, who’s found a version of happiness that works for her.
And she knows that small girl doesn’t deserve to have her family, her brothers and sisters, taken from her.
The woman is willing to stand up to my mother.
And so, she does.
“The only reason Augustus is here right now is because of them,” I hiss, gesturing over my shoulder at them.
“They pulled every string to get him air lifted, paid for the helicopter ride. You know that, Mom, I know you do. They’re good people, and they care about me.
That means, even though you’re being ridiculous, they care about you, too.
Without them, Auggie would have been in the middle of nowhere.
Now, he’s getting the best care in the Midwest! ”
My voice rises as I talk, and a passing doctor glances our way. I didn’t mean to turn into a commercial for this hospital, and my cheeks flush.
“Be that as it may—”
“No.” I cut my mother off, my voice back to a harsh whisper. It comes out spitting mad, each word like it’s been bitten off in my mouth.
“I’m done hearing what you have to say, Mom. It’s not even coming from your own brain, anyway. You don’t have to regurgitate what Dad says. I know you don’t want this—did you want me to miss Thanksgiving? You wanted to stare at my empty seat during Christmas?”
Her expression crumples, and she brings the tissue to her nose, sucking in a breath and shaking her head, “You don’t understand, Lucy.”
“I know you think love is control, because it’s all you’ve ever experienced. But that’s not the case. Love is about setting the other person free, even if that means they choose something different than you’d want.”
I wait and wait for her to acknowledge this, to think about the ways her dad and husband have trapped her, forced her into a shape she didn’t want to be. I wait for her to realize that now, she’s doing that to me.
But she says nothing, just keeps her eyes closed, her tissue held against her lips.
So, I’m done waiting for her, and I speak my truth.
“If you’re dead set on wanting nothing to do with me, then that’s fine.
” Her eyes open, hurt flashing through them.
“But you can’t keep me from seeing my siblings.
Mary is an adult woman, and I’m going to be the best damn auntie to her babies that I can.
Paul might be living at home, but he’s an adult, too, and I’ll help him move out, if that’s what it takes. ”
“Therese and Thomas will graduate next year, and you can’t stop me from coming to see them walk the stage.
I’ll make sure, the second they turn eighteen, that they understand the reason I can’t see them is you.
So, if you’re set on cutting people out, you won’t just lose me from this.
You’ll lose Mary, too. And Elliot, and her baby.
And each of your kids, one by one, as they get old enough to get out from under your thumb. ”
This time, I manage to keep my voice a low hiss, but I get more emphatic, hoping if I say it right, it might just get through to her.
My mother stands in front of me, wearing her Lancaster Lions sweatshirt, her hair thrown back in a loose, wild bun. I see myself in her, in the cut of her nose and her cheekbones. In her periwinkle blue eyes, turned to mine. Her cheeks are flushed, her fist tightening on the tissue again and again.
When she finally speaks, her voice is hard, and I deflate with the sense that she hasn’t heard me at all. “I do not know when you started to think you could disrespect me like this, Lucia. All for some… dalliance.”
“It’s not a dalliance,” I hiss back at her, my grimace deep and twitching with the force of my emotion. “I love them. I’m in love with them. These men are the loves of my life, and I will not give them up for you. I am done sacrificing my happiness in the name of your approval.”
With that, I push past my mother and barrel down the hallway, determined to see my brother, even if it means I might be dragged out by security after I do.