Chapter 35 – nate
NATE
The blood drains from Cat’s face when she meets my eyes. Icy fear fills my body, and suddenly breathing feels impossible. The worst has happened.
She knows I’ve been watching her, and now she’s afraid of me.
I don’t know exactly what she saw on my computer, but I can assume she saw the cameras outside her house. Maybe she figured out that I bought her building, or worse. There’s only one thing I can do now—admit to everything, justify my reasons, and pray she can find a way to forgive me.
“I can explain, Kitten.” She winces at the nickname, and I swallow hard. “After I got Harry fired, I felt responsible for your safety. I knew he might retaliate, but I didn’t know when or how.”
“So that’s when you started watching me?” she says quietly. “After Harry?”
I could lie, but I won’t. She deserves my complete honesty. She deserves the truth.
She deserves everything.
“No. I noticed you before that. You caught my attention when I saw you buying hot dogs for two homeless men, then sitting down and chatting with them. Now, I know they’re probably your friends from the shelter.
Once I saw you, I couldn’t look away. You were just so kind, so bright and warm.
It was like you were a break of sunshine in a perpetually cloudy world. Once I saw you, I couldn’t look away.”
I can still picture her golden blonde hair haloed in the light on that first day. Usually, it’s a thought that makes me smile.
Now, all I can see is the reality. Cat’s completely frozen, not daring to move a muscle. It’s the same terrified look she had when Harry advanced on her in the elevator, and it makes me feel like the lowest of the low.
“I’m not just some creep,” I blurt out. “I didn’t watch you all the time.
I’d just check the cameras if you were walking home alone.
Sometimes, maybe I’d check outside your apartment to make sure no one was there.
I see threats everywhere—it’s just in my coding.
My family’s been in security for generations, and it’s hard to just turn it off.
And you just seemed so…so sweet…and so trusting… even when you shouldn’t be, and I…”
Fuck, the excuses don’t sound like hold water even to me.
I should’ve told her sooner. I thought about it.
I thought about a bunch of times, but I don’t really watch her anymore.
Not with my drivers taking her home after shifts at Terrace and the shelter.
The only thing I’ve continued to do is monitor the outside of her apartment building for signs of Harry, and recently, to make sure the press hadn’t discovered her address yet.
Cat still doesn’t respond. All at once, it hits me. What it would feel like to lose her, the only person who’s ever made me want to step away from work, who can make me feel seen, who I trust implicitly. It’s my last chance to tell her how I feel about her.
“I promise, I only wanted to protect you because I care about you.”
I know she didn’t say it back in Paris, but the way she held me tighter, I knew she felt it and that was enough. I hesitate before saying it a second time, knowing that if she doesn’t feel the same, it would break me.
“Kitten, l—”
“Don’t,” she snaps. The single word hits me like a slap. It’s full of an anger I’ve never seen in her. “Just tell me one thing. What was that folder with my dad’s name on it?”
I swallow, something cracking in my chest.
“After you told me about your dad, I thought I might be able to use my contacts to find him. I thought maybe it could bring you some peace or closure if you got a chance to see him again. Speak to him.”
Her eyes widen, and I can see her anger diluted with hope, fear, and anticipation. “You found him?”
I cringe before I can stop myself. “Maybe we should talk about this another time. Some of what my team found was inconclusive. You’re already upset, and I don’t want to—”
“No, Nate. Tell me. If you care about me at all, you’ll tell me the truth now. What happened to him?”
My stomach roils. The idea of telling her makes me sick. I can still remember how I felt the day I found out about my father’s second family. The betrayal left scars so deep, I’m still finding damage from them all these years later. I don’t want to hurt her like that.
But she has a right to know. It’s my own damn fault for digging into Patrick without her permission. I have no one to blame for her pain but myself.
“I found him.”
She sucks in a breath. “Is he alive?”
“Yes.”
For a second, she breaks into a watery smile so relieved, it’ll burn into my memory forever. But when she sees the look on my face, that light in her eyes goes dim.
“There’s more,” she says.
“He got clean three years ago. He was able to join a program that took him in during his treatment, and when he graduated, he found work installing solar panels.”
Cat frowns, obviously confused. I brace myself for the story’s end. “He remarried two years ago, to a woman he met online. They have a one-year-old daughter named Hannah.”
Cat’s face is pale-white. She presses a hand to her stomach like she’s about to be sick.
“He never called,” she mutters. “Never tried to reach out. Why…why wouldn’t he…”
She looks so upset, I can’t stand to see it. I stride over to her, ready to pull her into my arms.
She darts away, holding her hands up defensively.
“Don’t touch me!” she cries. “Leave me alone. I know you’re used to using your money to get everything you want, but I’m not just some thing you can buy or control. I’m a person. I have the right to my fucking privacy, and I get to decide how I deal with my family.”
“I know that,” I rasp, my throat tightening. I don’t have any defense for the rest of it—I know how fucked up I am. All the videos, all the stalking, it was me trying to have control. But she has to know that she’s more than an object to me.
She’s everything.
Cat just shakes her head. “I knew this was a bad idea. I knew you were a bad idea, Nate. I should have known better than to think you were the real thing.”
A sharp pain rips through my chest. It’s like my body wants to tear itself apart for what I’ve made Cat feel. I wrack my brain, trying to find a way I can fix this. I have to fix this. I can’t go back to a world without Cat’s warmth.
I come up empty. I just stare at her, drinking in every detail of her beautiful face, in case this is the last time I get to look at her. There will be no more watching her through security cameras. I won’t violate her privacy anymore, not when she’s renounced every claim I might have on her.
She shakes her head. “In case it wasn’t clear, I quit.”
And her words are the final nail in the coffin, sealing me back into a world without a sun.
With her head high, she strolls out of my office. I listen to the faint echoes of her footsteps until the elevator door closes behind her.
It’s like all the strength goes out of me then.
I stumble into the living room, where I see Cat’s black coat thrown over the back of the couch.
The one I bought her in Paris. I crumple in the seat, holding the coat to my face.
For the first time since I can remember, I feel the pressure of tears in my eyes.
I don’t know whether I should blink them away or let them fall.
Part of me is still raging against reality. I’m plagued with visions of chasing her down and kissing her, worshiping her body until she has no choice but to forgive me. Showing her with my actions because I don’t know how to explain it in words.
Another part of me is itching to go right back to my office.
I know all the camera shortcuts by heart now—I can follow her path home, making sure nobody else fucking touches her.
So far, I haven’t taken advantage of the security cameras inside her building lobby, but I could access them now and stare at her door all night.
I know how fucked up that is, wishing I could go do all the things that made me lose her.
Maybe the Toronto Tea is right. Maybe I’m the toxic one, harassing and controlling people. Maybe…Cat deserves someone better than me.
If I ever want a chance to be worthy of her, I have to do better. I have to give her space and pray I can find a way to get her back.