Chapter 37 – nate
NATE
Cat tries to be subtle when she brushes a tear away. She’s trying so hard to keep her dignity that it breaks my fucking heart.
My so-called friends better have their affairs in order. When I’m done with them, they’re going to wish they were never born.
I don’t know what kind of power play Beau was getting at, making her work at our game. I should have insisted he send her home the second she arrived.
But I didn’t. Because deep down, I’m a selfish bastard, and I wanted to soak up every minute of having her close. Especially since this might be the last time she lets me anywhere near her.
I haven’t been able to stop obsessing about Cat since she left my apartment.
I miss her so much, it physically aches.
Every time I get news about the Edmonton acquisition, I want to update her.
At lunch, I want to ask her what she’s serving at the shelter.
This morning, I drafted a dozen “good morning” messages that I never sent.
Because Cat isn't mine. She made that crystal fucking clear, and the kindest thing I can do right now is give her the space she wants.
I look back at her beautiful face, those wide amber eyes still shining with tears. She looks fragile, like I could break her apart with the brush of a finger. So different from the spirited, cheerful Cat I’m used to.
She shuffles quickly back to the bar. She’s not hidden there, but she can turn around and prep ingredients at the counter and pretend we’re not here.
Every part of me wants to follow her there, take her in my arms and comfort her. I want to stroke her hair and tell her how strong she is, how sorry I am, how well she dealt with everything tonight, but most of all…how much I miss her.
But I can’t. So I turn on the assholes who did this to her.
“You’re lucky I don’t kick all your asses,” I growl in a low tone so she doesn’t have to hear me. “I get that you’re trying to piss me off, rubbing my breakup in my face. But I’m not the one you’re hurting here. This stops now.”
Ryan whistles. “Whoa, Nate, you’re fucking scary when you want to be.”
“Dude, we’re not trying to piss you off,” Beau says. “We know you, Nate. You’ve obviously been shoving your feelings down. We didn’t know if you even let yourself feel how much you missed her. We’re trying to fucking help you, not hurt you.”
“We thought if we made sure you saw each other, you’d realize that you have to win her back,” Luke says.
James shakes his head when I look at him, holding his hands up. “I told them it was a bad idea.”
I glance back at Cat, making sure she’s not listening. She’s busily chopping lemons, obviously as an excuse to stay far away from us.
“Of course I want to win her back, you idiots. But Cat broke up with me, and she had a good reason. I have to respect that and leave her the fuck alone. I need to be patient and wait for her to be ready to come to me. You motherfuckers better do the same.”
They all exchange glances.
“We’re sorry, man,” Ryan says. “We promise, we’ll tip her extra to make it up to her.”
I glare at them, letting them know that they fucking better.
Luke nudges the cards toward me. “Your turn to deal, Walsh.”
I grab the cards and start shuffling. It’s good to have something to do with my hands to ground me. Cat sniffs quietly, making me wonder if she’s still crying.
If she’s still upset, does that mean there’s any chance she might miss me, too?
I thought that accepting the breakup was the only option I had. But what if the guys are right? Am I supposed to fight for her?
Is there any way she can get past what I did?
The game goes by in a haze. I keep my eyes fixed on my cards, trying my best not to look at Cat. I play every hand till the end, bleeding chips as I lose, over and over. I have no idea how much time goes by.
Then, a flash of golden curls moves in my peripheral vision. Cat’s streaking past us toward the elevator.
“Where are you going?” Beau asks.
“My shift’s over,” she says tartly, pressing the elevator button, and I realize as I’ve been hemorrhaging money, she’s been hemorrhaging patience. She obviously can’t stand to be in the same room with me for another minute, and I don’t blame her.
The energy in here is downright suffocating.
The elevator opens immediately
The doors slide shut, and she’s gone.
No. Fuck, I can’t let this happen. I can’t let her go without at least trying to apologize again.
I push to my feet and tear toward the stairwell. If I move fast enough, I can still catch her before she leaves.
“Hey, the game’s still going!” Ryan yells behind me.
I don’t bother answering. They can have my fucking money.
I take the stairs three at a time. I have no idea what I’m going to say when I catch her. It’s only been a week—will she even be ready to hear another apology? She’d have every right to tell me to fuck off and leave her alone.
But that can’t be the last time I see her. We can’t leave it like this.
My muscles burn as I take the last staircase and shove through the heavy door that opens into the building lobby. Cat’s standing just outside the elevator, and relief rushes through me. I’m not too late—she’s still here.
Her face is still pale and tear-stained, but she brightens when the front doors open. Pippa rushes in and pulls Cat into a tight hug. Judging by her sweatpants and her giant hoodie, Pippa came straight from her couch to pick up her friend.
“Cat, wait,” I call, jogging up to them.
When she hears my voice, Pippa turns to me and I practically see steam coming out of her ears.
“No!” she snaps. “You, get out of here. She doesn’t want to see you.”
I ignore her—she’s not the person I need to listen to me. “Please, Cat. I’m sorry, I know I fucked up—”
“Cat doesn’t need apologies. She needs you to leave her the fuck alone!” Pippa turns to Cat. “The Uber’s waiting outside. Go. I’ll deal with him.”
Cat’s eyes meet mine, and for a moment we just stare at each other like we want to spend forever drinking each other in. For a second, my chest fills with a bubble of hope.
It pops when she lowers her head and walks away.
Pippa crosses her arms and glares at me, and I remember a hundred other times she glared at us as teenagers who wouldn’t let her join our poker games in Ryan’s Dad’s basement. But this time, it’s justified. I deserve it. “Go back to your stupid apartment. You’re done here.”
I shake my head. I’ve hardly said two words to Pippa in all the years I’ve known her, but maybe if I can get her to understand…
“I can’t just let her walk away, Pippa. I can’t lose her like this.”
“That’s too goddamn bad, Nate. Cat’s the best person in the whole fucking world. So no, you don’t get to be the victim now that you’ve lost her.”
I hang my head. “I know. I ruined it. I fucking ruined everything. I should’ve just told her. I should’ve told her I was keeping an eye on her. About her Dad. God, I know I fucked up, but I care about her. I…I love her.”
Pippa stares at me, blinking, and I realize I might’ve just shared something with Pippa that Cat hadn’t even told her. Maybe she wasn’t ready to tell her best friend what I found out about her Dad and I just fucked up, yet again.
Fucking idiot.
“Do you even know what that word means?” Pippa asks after a moment, her tone deadly calm.
My answer gets stuck in my throat.
I know now. I know because Cat taught me.
Cat showed me over and over what it means to love someone. To give unconditionally, not just money but time and affection. To open up and bare your soul to another person.
Meanwhile, I tried to control her. I followed her, bought her apartment building, figured out how to make her work for me.
I manipulated her into spending time with me, because that’s what Walshes always do.
We take what we want, and if that hurts someone else, then that’s too fucking bad.
I should have taught myself to do better.
I didn’t.
Nobody had to teach Cat how to love. Her parents let her down just as badly as mine did, but she learned to love anyway, intuitively. Because she’s better than me in every conceivable way.
So maybe I should just let her go. She deserves someone who can love just as freely and naturally as she does.
Pippa shakes her head, and I hate the pity I see in her expression now. “It’s time to leave Cat alone now, Nate. If she wants to forgive you, it’s going to be if and when she wants to, not because you talked her into it. Okay?”
She walks away, leaving me with the small comfort that Cat has someone like Pippa in her corner when I can’t be.