Chapter 32 #4
I glance around at the giant wall of windows and see a smattering of people hanging out inside in full view of the deck, though none of them are facing our way.
Still, we’re too exposed here not to be seen if we started kissing.
The impulse is there to just say fuck ‘em and grab Luke by the neck anyway, kissing him stupid until all of his worries have disappeared, and I want so badly to give in to it. But my body won’t obey the command in the face of such a potential audience, the fear ultimately winning out.
Instead, the moment passes, and I just let out a heavy sigh, cursing my continued cowardice. The fucked-up thing about this is that I know the only thing stopping me is me. I’m too weak to do what I know I should, and that thought kills me.
Luke gives me a knowing smile that tells me he sees what I’m struggling with and is okay with it.
It’s kind and compassionate and very Luke.
But I don’t deserve it. Not right now. After a moment, he lifts our joined hands, the safety of our bodies shielding the motion, and he kisses the back of my fingers before letting them drop.
“Let’s go back in,” he suggests, standing up with a stretch. “I daresay people will start to talk if they see us out here like this.”
He gives me another smile, seemingly brighter than before, but I can still see the cracks hidden behind it.
It’s definitely an act. One he’s likely perfected over the years to the point that no one else could see through it.
I don’t know exactly when I got to the point where I could tell the difference, but it’s plain as day that he’s still unhappy.
And now I’m worried I may have added to his suffering.
Once we find our way back into the house, I make a point to drag him to a secluded corner with no prying eyes at the first opportunity I find, and I push him against the wall so I can kiss him properly.
His eyes widen in surprise at my brazen action, but he quickly melts into the embrace, wrapping his arms around me, and I can almost feel the relief coming off of him like a physical release.
That alone is enough to make me wish someone would catch us so I can finally stop dicking around and kiss him like this any time I want, regardless of who sees it.
The need for his lips upon mine is an addiction, and his kiss lights my soul ablaze.
Undeniably, he feels it too by the way the tension in his shoulders drops.
Only after we part does Luke’s smile feel genuine again.
He cups my face in his hand, brushing his thumb over my cheek, long fingers scraping through my beard, and I can sense the sea of thoughts behind his eyes as he searches my face.
He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.
I can feel it all in the air between us, a deep understanding that goes beyond words. We stick together, no matter what.
And we do. For the rest of the evening, I stay as close to him as possible without making it obvious that we’re together.
If we do touch, we keep it to a simple brush of our shoulders or a hand on each other’s backs as we move to get by one another, but each connection is enough to send warmth through my belly.
Part of me knows it’s the only way I can express my affections for now, but another part of me is afraid to let him out of my sight again—afraid that the moment I do, that unfathomable sadness will return.
The party eventually dies down by about eight, most of the guests dispersing by six or seven. Now, only the closest of us to Marcus and Tiff remain, and we’re hanging out in their sunroom, drinking and laughing as we reminisce about what it was like when we were kids.
Ryder and his friends have migrated down to the basement to play Fortnite and overindulge on pop and candy, and even his boyfriend, whose name I eventually learned is Justin, was allowed to stay the night.
However, it was under the condition that only sleeping is involved.
Marcus laid a very firm ‘no sex in my house’ rule, but by the deep shade of red both kids turned at the mention, I’m not even sure they’ve gotten to that stage in their relationship yet.
Still, it was cute watching Marcus get to act like our dads when we were younger and hanging out with our first girlfriends.
That slightly domineering attitude felt like such a firm hand at the time, but now I realize it was probably just as weird for them to have to say shit like that to us when they didn’t mind what we did, as long as we were smart about it.
At least with Ryder, there’s no fear of teenage pregnancy, so I suppose that’s one thing knocked off of Marcus’s plate of worries.
Throughout the rest of the evening, Luke and I sit on the floor with barely an inch of space between us.
I can feel the warmth of his body radiating against mine, giving me quiet comfort in having him so close.
I’ve been so tempted to reach out and put my hand on his leg the longer we’ve sat here, the desire feeling somewhat predatory, like a need to stake my claim on him in a way that tells everyone he’s mine.
But I haven’t had nearly enough alcohol to strip me of my inhibitions, so instead, I sit with my arms folded tightly across my chest like they’re too untrustworthy to be left alone.
Eventually, the effects of my lack of sleep the night before catch up with me, and my whole body crashes by nine o’clock.
I start yawning, and my eyes begin to lose focus.
The longer the night goes on, the harder it is for me to stay awake.
The others’ conversations meld together, and I can’t follow along with the words as they shift between coherence and a garbled mess.
I don’t feel myself slumping over or realize I’m leaning heavily into Luke’s side until my head’s entirely on his shoulder, and my eyelids feel so heavy that I lose the fight to keep them open.
By that point, the effort to sit back up is too monumental to accomplish, so I don’t bother trying.
I’m too tired to even be concerned about what this might look like to the others.
Instead, Luke’s warmth beside me acts like a balm to my exhaustion, luring me deeper toward sleep.
Eventually, I lose my grip on reality, my consciousness fading.
I might have dreamt of the touch of someone’s hands guiding me down to the floor, or maybe it really happened.
All I know is that I want to keep Luke’s body close to mine, and I reach out in my delirium to find him.
Only when I feel his long fingers cover mine can I fully relax into oblivion.