Ruelle
We work through the night.
The calcium carbonate from the hot spring deposits needs processing. Magnelle shows me how to heat it over the fire pit, slow, controlled, until it becomes a fine white powder that dissolves in the sulfur solution and turns it from dark black to a muddy gray.
“The carrier enters first,” she says. “Opens the channels. Then the chelation agents follow. Like sending a scout ahead of an army.”
She looks at me.
We test the modified compound on the assay stone, pressing a sample of his venom to the crystal and then adding the new compound, and the reaction is different from my sulfur-only version. Deeper.
“Further than mine,” I say.
“Further than mine, too.” Magnelle studies the result. “Together, we’ve gotten past the barrier I couldn’t breach. Whether it reaches the deepest channels...” She shrugs. “That’s what the subject is for.”
“He’s mostly cooperative,” I say, and the echo of what he said to Magnelle yesterday makes me almost smile.
“So I heard.”
He’s asleep by the fire, the glow-stone on its lowest setting, the cave quiet except for our voices and the scratch of my pen and the occasional pop from the coals.
I’ve been happy for three hours, working with Magnelle, the push and pull of two minds on the same problem. I forgot what this felt like. Or I didn’t forget; I buried it, because remembering hurt too much.
“Ruelle.” Her voice changes, softer, and she puts her pen down. “There’s something else I came to tell you.”
I know what’s coming. My hand goes to the vial in front of me and holds it, something to grip. “Perin,” I say.
“Perin is stable. She’s living in the eastern quarter with her sister. She works in a textile shop.”
“Does she...” I stop, start again. “Does she know what happened?”
“She doesn’t remember the guild at all. The neurological damage affected her memory of the two years before the incident. She knows her own name, her sister, her childhood. She doesn’t know the guild or the work or you.”
The vial in my hand is warm from my grip, the glass smooth. “The compound worked,” I say, the words coming out automatic. “The paralytic reversal agent worked. It just didn’t work on her.”
“No. It didn’t work on her.” Magnelle’s voice is steady. “And the reason it didn’t work on her is because you skipped the tolerance check. The compound was sound. The science was sound. You were too confident to run the safety protocol, and someone paid for your confidence.”
I don’t flinch. She’s right.
“But Ruelle.” She puts her hand on the workbench next to mine, not touching, close. “That was months ago. The guild expelled you. That was just. You know it was just.”
“I know.”
“Then I need you to hear what I’m about to say, because I don’t think you’ve let yourself hear it.
” She waits until I look at her. “The consequence happened. The guild expelled you. That was just. And then it was over. What you’ve been doing since then, the walking, the closed gates, the conviction that the world is punishing you, that’s not the guild’s doing. That’s yours.”
“The cities turned me away.”
“The cities turn away every stranger with no papers and no standing. You didn’t have papers. You didn’t have standing. That’s not the same as being hunted.”
“I thought...”
“I know what you thought. You thought every closed gate was because of Perin. You thought every turned back was someone who knew what you did. Nobody knew. Nobody outside the guild even knows your name.”
The cave is very quiet, the fire low, and he’s asleep by the coals, his breathing steady, his scales bright in the dim light.
“You built your own exile,” Magnelle says. “You built that punishment because the guild’s punishment wasn’t enough for what you did to yourself. Not to Perin. To yourself.”
My hand is shaking, not the left hand with its five-year tremor but the right one, the one that never shakes.
“Magnelle.”
“I’m not finished.” Her voice is firm. “Perin is alive. She has a life she wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t tried to treat her. You need to hear that, and you need to stop carrying her as if you killed her.”
The vial slips from my fingers. It doesn’t break; it rolls across the workbench and stops against the assay stone.
“I broke her,” I say.
“You damaged her memory. She built a new one.” Magnelle puts her hand over mine, her fingers steady. “And you need to stop punishing yourself for a crime the world has already moved past, because the punishment you’re inflicting is worse than anything the guild could have done.”
She doesn’t let go. She doesn’t say it’s fine, because it isn’t fine. She says what she’s always said when the work gets hard and the findings hurt.
“Well, now,” she says. “Well, now.”