Chapter Sixteen
London
I hold my hands up to the fire and exhale.
The sound reverberates inside my head before being drowned out by the pounding in my chest. Slowly, I shift closer to the fireplace and study the red and orange flames, leaping and dancing, the crackling sound filling the silence around me.
I stand there for a long while, replaying the scene in the office in my head.
I don’t know if going after Mason was a good idea, but I don’t regret it.
Even as shame and humiliation burn through me.
You know this is how he makes himself feel better. It’s how he exerts control, and you are no exception.
A small voice in the back of my mind tells me that it still isn’t fair.
I’m not like other people. I wish I knew how to distance myself from Mason’s anger and his frustration.
How can I show him there are other, healthier ways to cope?
How can I get him to let me all the way in?
Each time I think Mason and I are making progress, I catch a glimpse of the finely honed weapon underneath and am left doubting myself all over again.
It’s been two hours since the scene in his office, and I still have a bad taste in my mouth.
I have the urge to step into the shower and scrub my skin raw, except I don’t think it’ll chase away my disgust.
And the worst part is knowing I’d let him do it all over again just to feel better.
Maybe Noah was right.
Being with Mason is chipping away at little parts of me, and as I stand there in the quiet of the library, surrounded by shelves of books, I’m forced to confront my greatest fear.
What if, when all is said and done, the version of me that remains is nothing like the one Mason wants?
What if I become a shell of a woman, unable to recognize my reflection?
You just have to make sure that doesn’t happen. Focus on what you can control and compromise where you can. And keep one foot in front of the other.
A strong gust of wind rattles the windows, startling me. Silver moonlight pours in through the window, casting tiny particles across the hardwood floors. I rub my hands up and down my arms, but it does nothing to ward off the chill in my bones.
I’m not supposed to be here.
Katia has better things to do than lurk in the bowels of the library.
But other than a brief, bored look, she dismissed my attempts to get her to leave.
It’s been a long day. You should get some rest. Mason will come and find you soon and make things right.
Shaking my head, I step away from the fire and take in the shelves stocked with pristine hardcovers and first editions.
The tightness in my chest eases as I drift closer and run my fingers along the spines.
Then, I wander until I’m standing under a portrait, half-concealed under a dusty, worn sheet.
My heart is pounding in my ears. I reach forward and pull the sheet off.
I recognize a young Mason almost immediately by the quirk of his lips and the gleam in his eyes. Mathew is standing next to him with a scowl on his face. Opposite them is a little girl in a dress with thick auburn hair, and a little boy who is leaning away.
Seeing the Mason family in such an intimate position is unnerving.
But not as surreal as seeing Mason’s mother standing behind his father, her bright eyes tight around the edges, and the smile not quite reaching her eyes.
Shit.
“It’s uncanny, isn’t it?”
I drop my hand and wheel around, my stomach twisting into knots when I see Mathew. His shirt is half-tucked into his dark jeans, and his hair is sticking up in tufts.
Mason’s warning rings in my ears as his twin takes a step toward me.
“I’m sure you’ve noticed the resemblance,” Mathew continues. “It makes you wonder, doesn’t it?”
I clear my throat. “If you’re trying to imply that Mason is only with me because I look like his mother, it’s not going to work.”
“And yet, you came to that conclusion all on your own,” Mathew says. “I guess Mason keeps you around for a lot more than your looks.”
He’s just trying to get under your skin. Mathew might not be as lethal as Mason, but he obviously enjoys mind games. He’s trying to fill your head with doubt.
Mathew isn’t wrong about the resemblance.
It’s like looking at an older, more tired version of myself, someone who has been hardened and broken by life.
I look back at the portrait, and something hard and unfamiliar settles in my stomach.
“He’s not going to be able to protect you, you know.”
I clench my hands into fists. “You’re wrong.”
His chuckle sends another wave of unease through me. “Your loyalty to him is admirable, especially considering how much you’ve sacrificed. Tell me, how are your parents dealing with their darling daughter’s fall from grace?”
I dig my nails into my palms. “That’s not your concern.”
“I’m sure they’re not happy about any of it.” I can feel Mathew’s eyes on me, open and assessing. “It’s not like you can take Mason home and introduce him to them, can you?”
I frown. “Are you really that insecure about your brother?”
Mathew’s expression hardens. “Think of all the Thanksgivings, all of the holidays, all of the normalcy you’ve had to give up. On the wrong Payne man, too. If you are as smart as you seem, you’ll find someone else to throw your luck behind.”
An incredulous laugh falls from my lips. “I know you don’t mean you.”
There is a cruel calculation in Mathew’s eyes. “My offer has an expiration date, London. I’d take it if I were you.”
“You can shove your offer up your ass, Mathew.”
His expression darkens, and a muscle ticks in his jaw.
I wonder if I’ve pushed him too far.
Then, there’s a clamor of voices near the door, and we turn to it.
Jack Payne’s voice wafts in, and every muscle in my body tenses.
I take a few steps away from Mathew and glance around, fear snaking its way inside of me.
Slowly, I move toward the shelves until Mathew’s cold voice stops me in my tracks.
“It’s only a matter of time before he decides to take care of you.”
I look at Mathew over my shoulder. “I know.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Without the right Payne by your side, this is going to get ugly fast.”
“I’m sure I’ll survive.”
Mathew’s eyes flash. “You can do more than survive. You can thrive.”
“And what do Oliver and Olivia think about this?” I ask.
Mathew doesn’t flinch. “My siblings are too short-sighted.”
“Is that why you haven’t spoken to them in years? Because you’re too short-sighted to realize that you’re in the wrong?”
Mathew sneers. “I see Mason has been filling your head with nonsense. Tread carefully, London. You might have Mason wrapped around your finger, but I can wipe that fucking smirk off your face in a second. You think being here a few months has given you some kind of insight into the Payne family? You’re even more pathetic than I thought. ”
I search his face. “But I’m not wrong. It doesn’t take a genius to realize who the most powerful sibling is. I think you should be the one to reconsider your loyalties.”
I know Mason loves his brother despite their tumultuous history.
He doesn’t want to be at odds with him, but it’s obvious Mathew is too blinded by greed and selfishness to see the bigger picture.
The two of them are never going to see eye to eye, at least not from where I’m standing.
Mathew is always going to want what Mason has.
How much of this is Mason’s own desire and ambition, and how much of it is their father’s voice in his head?
I feel sorry for Mathew, but not enough to let my guard down around him.
Together, the sibling Paynes can be a force to be reckoned with.
Mathew growls. “You’re a little bitch.”
“And you haven’t learned to steer clear of her.” Katia strolls out of the shadows toward us, one hand drifting to her dagger.
I offer her a small, imperceptible nod. “Like I said, I know what you’re trying to do, Mathew, and it’s not going to work.”
Mathew throws his head back and laughs, but it’s a cold and hollow sound. “I shouldn’t be surprised that Mason’s whores are banding together. If there’s one thing my brother knows how to do, it’s collect women. Tell me, does he know how to handle both of you, or does he only watch?”
Katia fixes her gaze on me. “Do you have what you need?”
I nod. “Yeah, I’m done here.”
“It’s a shame Mason doesn’t know how to choose better. You both could use a real man.”
I place one foot in front of the other until I reach Katia, and some of the knots in my stomach unfurl. We share a quick look before she steps behind me.
“You should ask your precious Mason why Oliver and Olivia left in the first place. I might not be on speaking terms with my siblings, but at least I’m not a hypocritical liar.”
I ignore him.
“You’ll come to me sooner or later, London.
You’ll see.” His voice follows us to the door and rings in my head as we climb up the back stairs.
In the carpeted hallway, Katia glances around before unlocking the door to Mason’s room.
She waits for me to step inside before pulling the door shut behind me.
I perch on the edge of the bed, link my fingers together, and try to calm my racing heart.
Something about the certainty in Mathew’s voice stays with me long after I’ve changed into my pajamas. I sit on a chair by the window and wait for Mason until my eyes grow too heavy and sleep finally comes for me.