Chapter Eighteen
London
“Can’t I—”
“No.”
“But it’s just—”
“No.”
“You haven’t even heard me out.” My tone rises. “It’s just the library, for fuck’s sake. I’m not asking to step foot out of the house.”
With everything else happening, I know that any temporary freedom I’ve brokered is on hold.
I can’t blame Mason for it.
I spent the night tossing and turning and replaying what it felt like when the electricity cut off and the sound of gunshots sliced through the air.
In the morning, as I stood under the showerhead, I tried not to shudder as I remembered what it felt like to take cover in the walk-in closet in Mason’s room while Katia fought outside the door.
Mason is right about hand-to-hand combat not being enough.
What good is learning how to use my fists if our enemies don’t play fair?
You’re not there yet, anyway. Besides, with Katia around, it’s unlikely you’ll ever have to fire a gun.
There is no love lost between the assassin and me, but if the past few months have taught me anything, it’s that her loyalty to Mason runs deeper than whatever jealousy and resentment she harbors toward me.
Despite all the trouble I keep causing her.
Still, I don’t like knowing I’m back to square one when it comes to my freedom, and I’ve spent the morning pacing and eavesdropping whenever I can.
I feel guilty for not trusting the information Mason gives me, but I know something has changed.
Sometime between the attack last night and when Mason woke up this morning, there’s been a shift.
There’s tension in the air, and everyone is on high alert.
I have no idea what it means for the Paynes moving forward.
They can’t just be reacting anymore. They have to figure out how to retaliate before the others come after them again.
Katia clears her throat, and I snap back to the present. “After last night, you should be thankful he hasn’t locked you up somewhere.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “He wouldn’t.”
“Not yet.”
“Not ever,” I maintain. “Mason and I have an understanding.”
“I don’t care what lies you tell yourself, Blondie,” Katia replies. “After last night, whatever understanding you have no longer exists.”
Shit.
I know she’s right, but I still want to hear it from Mason.
I frown and move back into the room. “Can I at least have something to eat?”
Katia nods and looks away. I retreat into the room and slam the door shut.
While I’m tempted to go back out and fight my way down, there’s no point when Katia will just drag me back up. As I pace the room, I think back to the early hours of the morning, when bright sunlight poured in through the open curtains and illuminated Mason’s face.
I don’t know how to get him to be honest about everything, and I’m not sure I want to.
How will knowing how badly things are spiraling make me feel better?
I should be thankful he’s keeping me in the dark.
All those bodies, and the smell of blood in the hallways, are going to haunt me for the rest of my days.
I don’t realize how hard I’m digging my nails in until I draw blood.
I blink and stare at the crimson drop that falls to the floor.
I yank the nightstand drawer open and rummage through it. When I pull out the burner, my heart is racing. I dial the number and put the phone to my ear.
My mom’s phone goes to voicemail after the eighth ring.
I listen to the message, sick to my stomach.
Once I hear the familiar beep, I suck in a harsh breath and press two fingers to my temple.
“Hey, Mom. It’s me. Look, I know you and Dad aren’t happy with me right now.
I know you don’t understand the choices I’ve made, or the life I’ve chosen for myself, and that’s fine.
You can be mad at me all you want, but please just listen to me.
I need you both to leave the city for a while.
Maybe go abroad for a few weeks or something… .”
I stand in front of the window and take in the sprawling estate below. “I know it all sounds crazy, and I can’t tell you what’s happening. I wish I could, but things just got worse, and I need to know that you two are safe.”
I hang my head and go quiet.
“Please don’t send Noah again. It’s for his own good. I love you both so much, and you have no idea how sorry I am about everything. I’ll reach out again when I can.”
Slowly, I take the phone away from my ear and swallow past the lump in my throat. After placing the phone in the nightstand drawer, I move to the window.
How can I appreciate the beauty of this place when each step forward feels like five steps back?
It feels like one wrong move sends me back into the darkness.
There are worse places to be stuck. And at least your Mom and Dad are safe.
Tears spring to my eyes as I unexpectedly yearn for my old life, for Sunday night dinners when I sat across from my parents as we swapped stories.
In my mind’s eye, I see them seated side by side underneath dim fluorescent lighting as the waiter lingers in the background.
When I blink, Noah is sitting next to me, his hand on mine.
I exhale sharply and try to push the image away.
Longing for simpler times won’t do me any good.
I’ve burned my bridges with Noah, and although I hope he’ll understand someday, part of me knows he won’t.
As far as he and my parents are concerned, I’ve made the wrong choice.
You could’ve kept your head down and worked off your debt. Mason would’ve kept his word and kept his hands to himself, and it would’ve been just another Wednesday for you.
I could’ve been in the club, cleaning up whatever mess the patrons left behind.
And I would’ve ended the night with an ache in my bones and knots in my stomach.
Having to go through that kind of loneliness and isolation, with the crushing weight of what I had to do settling around me, still takes me by surprise now and again.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget how it felt.
Nor am I sure I want to.
It’s too late to walk away now. Even if you could negotiate your safety and your parents’, you have nothing to offer in return. Jack Payne is a businessman, and after all the trouble lately, he’ll want something concrete.
Convincing him won’t be enough.
Appeasing one enemy doesn’t remove the rest of the targets on my back.
I need to find something to offer our enemies that will make them forget about me, but I know I’m grasping at straws.
However, it’s the only thing that’s been keeping me sane since the night Mason rescued me.
You won’t leave Mason. You can’t, so why even entertain the idea? The minute you realized he came for you instead of leaving you to rot, your decision was made.
With a sigh, I run a hand over my face, surprised when it comes up wet.
I blink and turn away from the window.
In the tile-floored bathroom, I splash cold water on my face and grip the sink. Back in the room, there’s a low din of conversation outside. Then there’s a loud scuffle, and a shout, and fear coils in my stomach.
I glance from the door to the nightstand, willing my feet to move.
The door creaks open, and I throw myself across the room.
My hands are sweaty as I wrench the gun from the drawer and grip it with both hands. Then, I wheel and find Mason’s sister, with her long, auburn hair pulled into a braid. She glances at my gun.
My feet are unsteady as I force myself to stand and clear my throat. “I know you.”
“Do you know how to use that?”
I lower the gun. “No, but I probably should learn.”
Olivia glances over her shoulder at a scowling Katia. “Aren’t you in charge of her training?”
“I’m not comfortable holding a gun,” I say quickly, throwing it onto the bed. “She’s a good teacher.”
Olivia steps further into the room. “You must be going crazy being kept up here. Why don’t we go and sit in the library?”
I blink. “Katia said I wasn’t allowed.”
Olivia waves dismissively. “We’ll be fine.”
I reach for my shoes and hurry after Olivia. She takes the stairs two at a time, pausing at the bottom to tilt her head. She motions to me, and we creep forward, and the pounding in my chest grows. We stop outside the library, and Olivia presses her hand to the door.
She then leads me to the armchairs by the fire.
I sink into one and look over at Katia, who is scanning the room intently.
A few moments later, she shifts and disappears, and I turn to find Olivia stoking the flames, the light casting shadows across her face.
She turns to me once she’s done, and a tense moment passes.
Then, she takes the chair next to me and crosses her ankles.
“I thought it was time you and I met and talked.”
I square my shoulders and exhale. “Okay.”
“When I first heard about you, I thought you were made up.”
I stare at her. “Oh.”
Olivia chuckles. “When your brother is Mason Payne, and he has the preferences he does, you learn not to expect much.”
I’m not sure what she expects me to say.
She leans forward, and her expression turns serious. “I know about the contract you entered into with my brother in exchange for your father’s life being spared and his debts being paid off. I think what you did is brave.”
My throat is dry as I nod, and tears sting my eyes.
My contract has been called many things, but this is the first time I’ve heard anyone refer to it in glowing terms.
“I’m not sure I would’ve done the same,” Olivia continues, “but my father and I have a… complicated relationship.”
I swallow and link my fingers. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you can love a person and still want to keep your distance,” Olivia tells me. “Sometimes, love isn’t enough.”
I press my lips together and say nothing.
“I know you were aware of who my brother was before you agreed to his terms—or at least you had some idea—but it’s different to experience the reality.”
I exhale. “It is.”
Olivia leans back and tilts her head to the side to study me. “No one would think less of you for walking away, London. Not after everything that’s happened.”
I suck in a harsh breath.
She’s not here out of curiosity.
Olivia Payne is here to size me up and see if she can make the problem go away.
I’m a nuisance, and that realization hurts more than it should.
I don’t know why a part of me was hoping to find a friend within these walls.
It’s pathetic, and it makes me feel ridiculous.
Why would Olivia want to be friends with the woman who helped ruin her life?
I wouldn’t like me either if I were in her shoes.
“I’m not going to offer you money or make threats,” Olivia continues. “I’m sure you’ve already thought of all the reasons why you should go.”
“I have.”
“I’ve never seen my brother act like this,” Olivia murmurs. “I want him to be happy, but I’m not sure either of you knows what you’re getting into.”
“We’re well aware. I didn’t make this decision lightly. I know what I’ve given up, and I know it won’t get easier.”
I am not going to sit here and let her pass judgment, no matter who she is.
I don’t need her to understand what Mason and I are to each other.
Olivia looks as if she’s seeing me for the first time. “I wasn’t trying to imply that you didn’t.”
I lean forward. “What are you trying to say?”
“He was right. You look a lot like our mother. I wonder… well, anyway, look, I know this must seem like I’m trying to ambush you, but I just wanted to meet you.”
I frown. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”
I wonder if coming down here with her was a good idea.
She’s not plotting something like Mathew is, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t up to something.
I hate not knowing how I fit into the bigger picture, and which of the Payne siblings are willing to sacrifice me for the greater cause.
I take a deep breath and lean back into the chair. “I’m sorry about how everything’s turned out. I know your lives have been affected, too, and I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
Silence stretches between us as I gather my nerve.
“But I’m not sorry about how I feel about your brother. I wish things could’ve gone differently, but I can’t control any of this.”
Olivia nods.
“I’m sure you’ve made some bad decisions too,” I continue. “But at the time, I’m sure it felt like the right thing to do.”
Olivia’s expression hardens. “You don’t know anything about me, or the decisions I’ve had to make.”
I level her with a pointed look. “Exactly.”
Olivia stands up, but before she can say anything else, Mason’s voice drifts in. He strolls into the library and stands in front of his sister. A glance passes between us before she walks away. He turns to me with a look that would scare anyone else away.
“Good chat?”
My arms fall to my sides. “She came to me.”
“We were careful,” I add without looking away. “Were you going to tell me about the security changes?”
Mason’s eyes flash. “Yes.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Like you were going to talk to me about the fact that I look like your mother?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m sorry you couldn’t save her, but I’m not your mother,” I say. “And if that’s why you’re keeping me around….”
I’ve danced around the topic long enough.
I need to know the truth.
Mason’s hand darts out, and his fingers close around my wrist. “I won’t dignify that with a response. You should know better.”
Then, he tugs me out of the library and up the stairs.
The protest dies on my lips when I see the look on his face.
Once back in the room, I perch on the edge of the bed and turn the information over in my head.
Still, I can’t keep my thoughts from wondering.
Am I a substitute for Mama Payne?
Is Mason trying to rewrite history by protecting me?
My heart aches at the thought that what he feels for me might be based on a lie.